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Messages By: fuzzy123

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January 16, 2006, 1:02 pm PST

This is me

I am 24yrs old... Female
I have delt with Bulimia for the last 4years.
I have always been overweight and I have tried exercising and diet and nothing seemed to help. I tried to be anorexic but didn't have the self control and couldn't hide it from my family. Being bulimic was sooooooooo much easyer and combined with exercise I could still be "part of the group" but not have to worry about wieght gain because of my slow metabolism... I went from 170lbs to only 130lbs (in about 8months)... Still another 10lbs to go before I was my "ideal" weight. 
I started going to a pentacostal church near me and that was when I realized I had a problem and needed to deal with this...It was not what God wanted me to be doing.. He loved me too much to have this happen. It took me another 2 years, very supportive friend/sister in law, a huge amount of prayer (and a bad case of bronchitis) before I was able to get a foot up on the step of recovery..    

I am now 5'4 and 150 lbs... It is still sooooooo hard to deal with. My body and my weight is an obsession... I have been "clean" for about 1yr...unfortunately there have been times when I "slip"... but I am trusting God to get me through this... He has put in my path friends and websites like this to help me through...  
I just want to send this out to all who feel like there is no help and they are at their wits end... I have sat by my bed crying feeling like there was nowhere to turn and there was only darkness ahead with no out... TRUST ME!!! There is a light at the end of the tunell... don't give up... Please... there is a better way
 

 
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January 16, 2006, 1:12 pm PST

Bulimia

Quote From: hisjewel

i live in an invisalbe world where i feel so alone.......  i put myself here in this invisable world i guess so maybe it is only my fault but i do not know how to get out of this invisable world i live in the world only i know the world hmmmmmmmm yeah.........  buried deep down somewhere is me the one who wants to fight but she can hardly come up with the strength to yell as loud as she can please no i am down here help me help me..........  how can she cry out really to anyone but me when not only is she pushed down buried, abused and weak but now she is in an invisable world where she does really seem to .......... hmmmm yeah anyway. 

invisable and alone 

hisjewel 

  

in feeling so alone i know that God is right there but that does not keep me from feeling so alone!! 

I have been there where you are now...
You feel as if there is nowhere else to turn as if no one would understand...
Just please keep remembering Gods promisses... He will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you...
He has a plan for you...
This may sound like a bunch of blah blah blah..... but I am not saying this like it has been years before and I am all better....
Just last night I sat at my church crying over the exact same thing you wrote.
A friend of mine just kept reminding me that God thinks I'm beautiful and that this will end... Just put your faith and trust in God 

 
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January 16, 2006, 1:26 pm PST

any more help?

God has been a strong support for me BUT if anyone has any other ideas...it would be MUCH appreciated... 
My weight is a huge obession and can't seem to let go... I haven't gotten "Sick" for a few months... so my wieght is skyrocketting 
I eat healthy and don't really like sugars or  junk food... I keep my "splurging" to a minimum and I do exercise... but it doesn't help...
The simplicity and efficacy of bulimia stares me in the face... but I can't go back.... I just can't... I've made it so far... but how can keep from slipping..... just once.....
 
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hopeful
January 17, 2006, 7:19 pm PST

Bulimia

I wasn't a christian when I first became "bulimic"... I knew that God was there... I had him as my personal savior... but that was it....
I felt so condemed when I became a christian and had this "addiction"
I thought I was alone... That no one would understand and that I was the only "Christian Bulimic"  

I am still trying sooooo hard to stay strong... but to see that I am not alone... having Jesus as my personal savior but to still have a problem... To know in my head how much God loves me... but to still have no control and hurt myself like this...
God has sustained me... but I will say this... It is/has not been an easy battle...
Thank-You soooo much for your kind words HISJEWEL. You are definately a kind spirit and allthough I've never met you.... I feel like I know you... Thank-you again... You honestly don't know how much your words have helped me... Gave me a little more strength.
 

 
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January 19, 2006, 9:38 pm PST

Triggers

They say when you know your triggers it helps.... ya... NO!!!!
Mine are a bad day at work, a wedding, times when I haven't seen people in a long time... I don't want to be the one they talk about...."Boy, has SHE gained weight"....
Today... a BAD day at work (I am an AHT---thats what they call us in Canada... an ANIMAL HEALTH TECHNICIAN...otherwise known as a "Vet Assistant)
It was all I could think about on the commute home.... I almost had to pull over because I was crying so hard... Couldn' t see the road...lol
I couldn't help but think that... The satisfaction and release I'd feel would outweigh the guilt I'd feel (especially with God) 
So instead I decided to come on the computer and type... get all the anxiety out before I went anywhere near the bathroom...
My birthday is on Saturday... January 21...I'll be 24yrs old.... I try and think about all that I've accomplished in my 24yrs on this earth.... and what I COULD have been...... SIGH!!!!
Just another trigger... Went to bible study last night... talked about SELF WORTH.... ya.... don't need a bible study to tell ya... MINE SUX.............................. 
 
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anxious
January 19, 2006, 9:45 pm PST

Bulimia

Tick tock tick tock.... Its 10:45pm in my dear Edmonton City (Alberta Canada)
Trying to avoid the inevitable... Addicts have relapsess... Friend of mine has a daughter recovering from drug abuse told me that is what the conselor told them.... I did when my brother got married (I was the maid of honor) had to fit into the dress... desperat times calls for desperate messures right????? BUT NOT NOW..... I.... JUST..... CAN'T......................... 
I have to be up for work at 6:20am.... the stress builds and builds.....  Too much to try and sleep......
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH
 
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January 21, 2006, 4:33 pm PST

one day at a time

Ok... well... Thursday was a bad day at work...
All I could think of was trying to gain controll... I was spinning out of controll and there was only one thing I have control on..............
I guess I realize now.... that the reason I'm ON This site is because I don't have control... that I want help... and not feeling like a freak.... 

BUT.... I did it.... I got through.... I went to bed.... didn't sleep too well.... and felt soooo sick in the am...... but I did it.....or should I say I DIDN'T do it..... I just got off the computer.... brushed my teeth.... read my bible.... and stayed in bed......
One day.... sometimes one second at a time....... 

 
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January 21, 2006, 4:45 pm PST

hisjewel

I have faith you will....
God is faithfull and YOU WILL BEAT THIS.... and WOW.... what a testimony you will have :D I can see it....
It took me 2.5yrs before I even started to get on the road to recovery.... it hasn't been easy... oooh Boy.... It hasn't been easy.....
Thanks for the support and prayers....
I will keep you in my prayers.... :D and you know I mean it
 
 
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January 21, 2006, 5:38 pm PST

Music

Quote From: hisjewel

i want to hear about your church worship team.......  i only dream that one day i will get to be on a worship team i love to sing!!!  I love Jesus!!!  I love worship music!!!! 

Ya.... God speaks to me through music... even when I was younger...I love it....
And he has always put the passion to play the flute into my heart... eversince I was 5yrs old and the local high school came to play for us... that was when I heard it..... and in Grade 8 I learned how to play. And about 2yrs ago I gave the gift back to God and started playing on my church worship team... in a way a blessing... in a way a curse....I am the ONLY flute player...puts a lot of focus on me... they can see every pound I gain.... :S
But I love to do it.... I would love to sing back up... maybe some day... when I have the confidence to stand up and do it... It takes a lot more self worth to sing like that... its easyer with a flute infront of me...
 
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January 22, 2006, 3:49 pm PST

close

Quote From: blazes06

I had a rough nite last nite. i purged. stupid thing to do. I was anxious and just did it. Cant seem to stop doing it. Has anyone on this board over come it completly. and how?

Hi...
I have to agree with HISJEWEL.
Everyone has a diffferent way of dealing with Bulimia.
Mine was realising that I had a problem and understood that I wasn't only hurting myself but my family, my friends, and the worst was God... To just sence that He was hurting... just imagining the look on his face...when he saw me...his preciouse daugther... His jewel ;) hurting myself....
I am not better.... I think about purging EVERYDAY.... but I am SLOWLY gaining the strength that I need to overcome this. I have the hope and faith that this is NOT THE END...
People never thought that I was bulimic... unlike most bulimics I'm overweight  

By the time I was purging 4-6 times a day I went from 170 to 130 (I should be about 120)
NOW... I have had "episodes" since I stopped...but for the most of it... well....I hurt my metabolism..... I am 150lbs.... and it hurts.... I still HATE how I look... and I HATE trying to shop for clothing....
BUT the point is.... I am on the road to recovery....I got a lot of prayerand got one of my best friends as an accountability partner...She was GREAT... she would come over and just flat out ask me if I threw up today... I didn't want to lie.....
Please don't give up...
I will say this too.....
It doesn't matter if you are only 80lbs or 250lbs (or more) God thinks you are preciouse and loves you with all his Heart...just release your hopes and dreams unto Him....HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN... 

 

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