Messages By: melodyl

You say that you have taught your five year old to hide when he thinks he is in danger.  I think you are totally wrong and I'll tell you why. You should NEVER put any of your kids in any kind of danger whatsoever. The fact that you have an explosive 11 year old (i don't care what the diagnosis is), well, it's not very responsible of you.  How can I tell you this?  I am the mother of a 24 year old with aspergers. I watched the Dr. Phil show. I knew it was going to be on and I told everybody about it. My husband and I could have been the parents of that kid Alex on the show. Can you imagine if these parents had other children?  Can you imagine what living in that household is like?  I can because I did. My son was once 15 years old. My husband grabbed a fishing pole once and my son just went crazy. He threatened my husband's life and my husband had to call the police. My husband refused to press charges. My son just blew up and then deflated like a balloon. When I came home I had a good talk with my son. He had no clue why he behaved like this (we did not know about the aspergers until he was 20 years old and had already moved 3000 miles away. 

We have been in therapy, my son was in therapy all his life. It did no good because no one knew he had aspergers. They need a specific kind of therapy. They don't think like the average population and god forbid you should say "no" to them. If they are the explosive kind, well, you take your life in your hands.  I know exactly what these parents are going through. I lived it. We took my son to tough love, to the scared straight program at Rahway prison. We went to a therapist once when he was 9. The therapist (who didn't know about AS) told us to use a hairbrush on his bottom when he had the next rage. Did we want to do this?  of course not. When my son had his rage (and it was a beauty), my husband used the hairbrush. Did my son have another rage?  (NOT UNTIL HE WAS 15).  I once asked him "how come you never had another rage after the age of 9, at least not until you hit 15 and my son said to me "i didn't want to get another beating".  Now do I advocate beating your child? Of course not, I think it's disgusting. But in my son's case (and we did this under the advice of the therapist), it worked. My son figured out that if he didn't control himself, he would get hit and he DID CONTROL HIMSELF. My son knows exactly how to manipulate everybody around him to get what he wants. After the rage when he was 15 and we threatened to put him away, he never had another rage in his life. He graduated college on a full scholarship, and made the dean's list.  the only symptoms of AS during his college years were that he never left his room or the computer, and he had no friends. He never socialized. He went to school and came home. There were absolutely no more rages. He was calm and focused. He just preferred to be alone. Then at age 20, he left home (because as he put it, you wanted me to get a job and I don't want to work). So he moved away, got on SSI and now he is happy as a clam living alone and being on the computer all day and all night. He is on depakote, buspar and zoloft and trazadone and recently we found out he has hypothyroidism so he is Armour thyroid and doing fine. 

Now don't all yell at me because my husband hit our son. he did this under the advice of our therapist and it worked. My son never had another rage after 9 until he was 15 and then he went nuts (and no, we didn't him when he was 15 because we were afraid he would kill my husband) But my son was afraid that we would put him away so he straightened up. he went to high school (sure he got into scrapes but I went to the school and made him apoligize to anybody he pushed around. The school actually liked me and thanked me for making my son accountable. 

No one feels they should make these kids accountable for their behavior. No one feels that they should say no, or as they put it  (I'm afraid to be a trigger for their explosions). 

This is how I feel. you should never, ever put any of your other children in any kind of danger. If you have an asperger child in your home and if he even once, explodes and scares your other children to the point that you have to make them hide in fear for their life, THEN YOU ARE NOT BEING A RESPONSIBLE PARENT. What should you do?  Take the kid with the explosions and make sure you have done all that you can do, gotten him in therapy, perhaps put him on a mood disorder medication, whatever you have to do. then, after you have done all this, if the behavior then continues and he acts out in a way that is a danger to your other kids, then you should investigate a group home. Do you have any idea what growing up is like for your other children?  Believe me, when they grow up (if they do indeed grow up), they will look back and resent you for having them live in a miserable environment.  

you can judge me all you want.  I know what I'm talking about. I lived it. 

Oh, just so you know, my son was my little buddy all my life. He was my only child. He had a good childhood with loving parents. It didn't matter a hoot.  Last week my husband had  a heart operation. My son knew about it. When I called my son 5 days later and said "why didn't you call your dad and inquire about his health?" my son said "I don't see you guys every day so I don't have you as a priority in my life".  It's not that I don't love you, I do love you, but your problems are not my problems because I don't see you" 

How would you like to be told that?  I was a good mom, my husband was a good dad. yes, we were not aware of the AS but we did get him therapy and it did no good whatsoever. My son had to learn on his own how to control his temper and he did. 

He is doing fine now. He lives on his own, takes care of his own needs, comes and go as he pleases but does not need family around. 

I have to live with this. 

I will tell you one thing.  If I had had other children, when my son was 15 and went off on his dad, he would have been asked to leave immediately, if not forced to. I would never jeopardize any member of my family. 

You can rant at me all you want. I lived this so I know what I am talking about. 

mel 

To; mygirl41: 

  

I agree 100% with you. A lot of parents are in denial. They say their children are angels and gifts from god. Sorry, i don't feel that way, and I am entitled to my opinion. I went though hell. I did not get a diagnosis until my son moved out at age 20, moved 3000 miles away, became a compulsive gambler, then told everybody who would listen that he was suicidal and he knew somebody would rescue  him and give him a room and bed for the night. he did this in 23 cities until he got tired. 

Of course he was misdiagnosed.  They said bi-polar, then not bipolar, they said OCD, yes, he has this. The best was something called ANIME disorder (look that one up why don't ya)  As a child he was put in special ed, put on ritalin, taken off of ritalin. We went crazy. he was kicked out of every after school program. We were told he had oppositional defiant disorder. he was in therapy, we were in therapy. Completely ruined my health. Only after he moved away and finally one of his psychiatrists (he was a specialist in AS), said to him "I know exactly what is wrong with you, you have Aspergers disorder). I learned to become an expert in this disorder. 

My husband recently had a angioplasty, and  stent. he was hospitalized. My son knew all about it. He never called to see how he was. I phoned him and asked, "how come you were not thoughtful enough to call your dad and see how he was doing after his surgery?" This was his reply: "mom, I don't think about you or dad very much. You are not my priority. It's not that I don't love you, but because I don't see you every day, you are not first in my mind". It's just the way it is". 

Oh, really???  This guy was my little buddy growing up, even with all the horrible meltdowns. He was my only child. My husband drove the group of kids to school (even though my son was thrown out of every single school). He stopped the meltdowns in 3rd grade and was mainstreamed in the 4th grade. Never had to go back to special ed. he told me he knew how to act and how to control himself. And he did. He graduated high school, went to college in NYC on a full scholarship, and was brilliant. We thought he would have a future in web design. He was very good at it. Instead, he got on a plane, went to Arizona and told us he would be permanently moving there. he came home, spent christmas with us 4 years ago, and on January 2, moved away, 3000 miles away. He has never worked, and never will work. According to him, why should he. We never sent him a dime. We did not enable. He told me "all I have to do is go on SSI, and I'll be set. "   And he did it. I don't give a crap about the AS diagnosis. My son uses this to get everything he has. he has an apartment, a new tv, a new vcr, and dvd player and a brand new computer with a dsl line. I don't even have a dsl line. And he has the gall to tell me that "we are not his priority". 

Give me a break. Some of these children are less impaired, some are more impaired, some are violent and some are not. But all I know is what I went through and I WOULD NEVER GO THROUGH IT AGAIN.   

Absolutely ruined my marriage and my health. My husband and I are just now getting close because we always thought he would grow up, find a job and find an interest in being close to his family.  Well, it didn't happen and it won't. 

I love to read the posts about how these parents describe their children as "little anges", etc. etc. 

Who are they kidding?  They have no clue what is in store for them. 

You can reply to this post and give me hell but believe me, I know from what I speak. 

...liz 

i don't know if anybody tapes Dr. Phil.  I tape him every day. 

I was just watching the tape. My eye caught something funny.  It's about the girl with the one eye. 

I ran the tape 3 times and called my husband in and he caught it right away. 

In wone scene it was her right eye that was damaged (she was speaking to the camera). 

In another scene it was her left eye that was damaged (she was speaking to the camera). It's not like this was a photo that can be flipped. 

  

This was a video of her speaking. One time it was her left eye and the other time it was her right. 

  

I would love for anyone from the Dr. Phil show to explain this. 

If you still have the tape, watch it. you'll notice it right away. 

melody 

I watched today's show and when they aired the part about the girl being addicted to the Virtual Reality world, I just had to post this warning.

Do not allow this in your homes. It has ruined our family.  There is an online world known as Second Life. I guarantee you that the girl on this show, well, when she turns 18, she will join Second Life. And once a young person joins these online virtual world games, well they lose their whole Real World Lives.

I have a 26 year old son who I haven't seen in 6 years. He moved out when he was 20. He was a college graduate and made the Deans List. He was my only child. He never drank, or smoked or did drugs. He went on the computer. He moved out, telling us he was going to go to Game Design School in Arizona. Forget that, it never happened. He was ultimately diagnosed with Aspergers Disorder. People with Aspergers do not like to socialize, they like to be alone, and they love the computer. They are whizes onthe computer and Second LIfe is perfect for them. They have no responsibility. They have no one to account to for their behavior. You can have sex on Second LIfe. You used to be able to gamble, but gambling itself became so addictive that they banned it in Second LIfe. How about that?? A virtual reallity world that actually banned an activity??

I have read online where Second LIfe addictions have destroyed marriages, broken up families, (I know it broke up mine). My son has told us 'I love to gamble and I love to go on Second LIfe'. My son is on SSI, has never worked a day in his life, and never will. He has the computer and that's all he knows. He lives Second LIfe 24 hours a day.

I am posting here to warn all of you parents out there.  If you see your kid on the computer, in a virtual reality world, limit their exposure to one hour a day. Make sure the kid gets fresh air, exercises and does their homework.  I read on other message boards that  mom tried to take the computer away from her college student son, asking him 'Can I please have my computer back'. He threatened to hit her if she didn't leave him alone.  Virtual Reality online gaming is so addictive I fear what will happen to our next generation. Just google Virtual Reality Addiction and you'll see exactly what I mean.  My son has told me 'you are no longer a priority of mine'.  This 26 year old young man was the light of my life, and now, well, he is no longer our son. I don't know who he is. He lives 3000 miles away and has no friends, no nothing. Just the computer and Second Life.

I am sharing my story with all you perspective parents out there and with all you who are now parents of youngsters. The computer, if not monitored, will take over their lives.

It has destroyed my health. I have lost my son. There is nothing I can do. I have been supportive, have spoken to social workers, to psychiatrists on his behalf. There is nothing I can do because he is over 18. He says 'why should I work, I'm on SSI'.  I have even been told by a psychiatrist  'let me tell you something, it might even be a good thing, that your son has found this because it has changed his personality so much that if he had to go into the real world now, he might even commit a crime'. Can you imagine being told that by a psychiatrist.???

I cannot reach my son. He will only discuss computer stuff. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is extremely well read, intelligent and quite articulate. He is also not the child I gave birth to.  This has affected my life to such a degree I cannot begin to tell you.

Thanks for letting me vent. I could not give up this opportunity to share my story.

I was so grateful that Dr. Phil had a show like this. I have not seen my son in 7 years. He moved out at age 20, telling us he was going to go to game design school. That never happened. He discovered gambling, and then, when the money ran out (he never worked a day in his life), he found Second Life (which they used to allow virtual gambling). They have since stopped it inside Second Life but my son told me "we found a way around this.".

My son has several avatars. My son literally lives inside Second Life. He used to do Worlds of Warcraft, and Everquest. He obviously has an addictive behavior personality. He's also been diagnosed wih Aspergers. He is on SSI. He has an apartment, a computer, dsl line, and does nothing but play this game night and day.

We can't do anything, but if any parents out there own playstations, or watch as their kids are on the computer, don't let them near a role playing game.

I am sorry that the 21 died. This is horrible.

I actually never knew that this game can cause such depression that one can die from it.

My son has depression, is on all kinds of medication. He is lost to us.

If I had known about the potential addictions of video-gaming, I never would have bought him that nintendo set when he was younger. NEVER!!!

Then came the playstations, the game-boys, the X-boxes, and most dangerous of all...VIRTUAL REALITY GAMING.

What a shame. and what a loss!!!!

Thanks for listening.