Messages By: isabeaur

So let's summarize this 17-year old's "relationship": 

1.  He's 30 years old and is molesting a child (oh, yes you are a child still, Alysia, legally and quite obviously emotionally as well). 

2.  He's in jail - a convicted felon. 

3.  He's an abuser, of both women and drugs. 

4.  He's already gotten one woman pregnant and doesn't support that child - even if it was a one night stand (which we have a only convicted felon's word for) he takes no responsibility for his actions and the consequences of those actions.  

5.  He has unprotected sex with Alysia, exposing her to disease and teenage pregnancy, and cheats on her. 

6.  He has coerced Alysia into staying with him by threatening suicide - a classic tactic of a controlling abuser.  Clue:  He hasn't changed. 

7.  She thinks that as a "nurturing" person, she can do some good in his life.   

8.  He tells her what she wants to hear so she will continue to allow him to use her. 

Dr. Phil, thank you for trying to talk some sense into this girl, but I would have like to emphasize the following to truths Alysia: 

1.  You can't save him. 

2.  You can't change him. 

3.  He won't change himself because you are wonderful and loving and giving.  And it's pretty arrogant to assume that you are so fabulous that he will be cured by your love and "nuturing".  No one, not even you, is that good.  He WILL take advantage of your wonderfulness, and already has. 

4.  Your brain is still growing and you probably won't even realize you are mortal until you are 25.  You don't have the ability to discern between infatuation and mature love, any more than a 4 year old has the ability to tell the difference between movies and reality.   

5.  You are NOT mature.  Mature people deal with reality, not fantasy, know their limitations, and carefully listen to people with more knowledge and experience.  You are not doing any of this. 

6.  Turning 18 is meaningless in terms of maturing, so don't think that you will be magically all grown up in a few months. 

7.  Your mother loves you and doesn't want you to end up beaten, pregnant, diseased and dumped.  Hint:  she would be one of those people with more knowlege and experience than you.  Dr. Phil would be another one.  Listen to them. 

8.  It CAN happen to you, you ARE fooling yourself, and your judgement in this case is flawed.  Drop the loser who is mooching money off of you, endangering your life and health, cheating on you, and using emotional blackmail (suicide threats) to keep you near him so he can use and abuse you more.  If you are as mature as you think you are, this would be a no-brainer.   

and finally, 

9.  You are worth so much more than this.  Don't be so desperate for a boyfriend that you are willing to settle for such a low-life.  Find someone your own age, in the same stage of life as you, who isn't willing to you at risk.  Bad boys are bad news - it's time to raise your standards and upgrade to a better class of men. 

This show is not about poly-amorous relationships.  It's about an arrogant, selfish man having a mid-life crisis and not really caring if he hurts his wife and family while he tries to reassure himself that he's still the "alpha".  It's time to grow the hell up and either honor the vows you made, or leave the relationship to pursue your lost youth (futile though this would be). 

And will all of the monogamous people stop frothing about polyamorous people - your approval is not required and not every polyamorous relationship is based on adolescent fantasy and immaturity. 

And will all of the polyamorous people stop implying that monogamous people are sexually repressed and insecure and that polyamorous people are somehow more enlighted than those of us in more traditional relationships.  The decision to commit to one person is not necessarily based on insecurity and the need to control others.   

So it's the wife's fault that you had an affair with a married man?   So if she does kick him out and you pursue a relationship with him, will it still be her fault when he pulls the same stunt on you?   

Life is too short to put up with unrepentant people who bring chaos and pain into your life.   This is not to say that we should be rigid and unforgiving - we all do stupid hurtful things sometimes and we need to be understanding of each other.  But we all have to draw a line somewhere if only to preserve our own health, and if someone is continually hurting you, doesn't really care about the hurt they are causing, is unwilling to try to change and blames you for their bad behaviour, then drop them from your life.   Even if they are close family members.  You can't make them happy and you deserve better.  You will still feel pain at the parting of ways, and regret, but it's better than living a lifetime of misery and guilt.   

I gave up on my grandmother years ago.  She's a vicious drunk who delights in the pain and failures of others.  No effort is ever good enough to please her, and everything is everyone else's fault.  She thinks she's perfect.  The perfect grandma that wouldn't let her grandchildren call her grandma because it made her sound old, who indulged in drunken rages that put holes in the walls of our home, who called my mother up constantly to tell her what a bad mother she was (my mother is fabulous, actually), and who would only call me when someone in the family had made a mistake of some sort (she likes to gloat over people's mistakes).   She never hesitated to complain to either one of my parents about what rotten kids they'd raised, or to let the kids know what sorry disappointments we were.  It's hard to see your little brother, all of five years old, dissolve into tears because his grandma told him that the Christmas present he got her was lousy.  I finally decided that I wasn't going to waste the one life I get on this earth trying to please someone who wants to be miserable and take everyone else down with her.  I don't call her, write her, or see her unless I happen to be at my dad's house when she makes the rare supreme sacrifice of visiting her only son.  My dad isn't happy with me on this, but my efforts to try to forge a relationship with the woman were continually rebuffed.   

There are so many wonderful people in this world that I can spend my time with - I'd much rather try to make them happy then waste the effort on a harridan who doesn't want to be happy.  And my life is much better for having taken that step. 

Grant, you just don't get it.  You keep expecting this interaction with Dr. Phil to fix your wife.  There is nothing wrong with Kelly.  She's a busy mom with three small children who desperately loves her husband.  She is doing a fine job.   You are the problem.  You want something you cannot have - perfection.  It does not exist.   Especially not in you.  You say you are trying to change the situation, but you are failing miserably because you keep assuming that Kelly is the one who ultimately has to change in order for the marriage to be a success.  You treat her like a child and criticize the decisions she makes about seemingly everything - how she chooses to decorate, how she chooses to spend her time. So what if it's not exactly as you would do it?  You aren't right about everything, and on some things It's just not that important.  Children don't go down the wrong path in life because the house is a little disorganized.  They go bad in life because they know they cannot live up to their parents' expectations.   After all there's no point in even trying if you know that no effort is ever good enough, no effort is ever appreciated.  That's the lesson you are teaching those children of yours every day. 

Kelly, please think long and hard about staying with this control freak.  He doesn't respect you or your abilities, clearly.  And yet you seem like a terrific mom to me, and a very devoted wife.  Too devoted to a man who I doubt will ever appreciate you or love you for who you are.    If the way you organize your closets means more to him than your feelings, it's time to think about how this will affect your children.  I come from a home in which mom oh-so-bravely put up with hyper-critical dad for years, staying with him for the sake of the kids and trying to hide the conflict and hurt and anger in their marriage.  But kids, even very young kids, know when things aren't right.  They might not be able to articulate the problem, but they know it's there.  They tend to blame themselves, and it causes unbelievable pain for the kids, which can in turn cause all of the social ills Grant says he wants to avoid.  My parents went back and forth, splitting up and getting back together, and having lived through all of that, I can say unequivocally that I was much happier living in a peaceful, small house with few materials goods than in a big fancy house full of tension and pain.  It was a relief when they finally divorced.   

I hope Grant gets a clue and starts giving you the respect you deserve.  But if he just can't make that leap in personal growth, please don't make the mistake of staying together for the kids.  What kids need isn't spotless counters, but parents who are happy in their marriage. 

Have you told your aunt everything you've done wrong in your life?  Have you circulated a list to your entire family about all the mistakes you've made?  I'm betting you have a few moments you're less than proud of that you don't advertise - we all do, and being truthful does not require broadcasting private mistakes.   

There is a huge difference between lying to your family, and not telling them about a painful event in your life that you might feel ashamed of.  Your aunt is right - the fact that she had a baby when she was young is NONE of your business.   She wasn't trying to hurt anyone in your family, she was trying to keep a private matter private, probably to protect herself from an extremely judgemental family.  If you can't see the difference between her actions and the hurtful lies that were discussed on the show then you have a hell of a lot of growing up to do.   

Broken Hearted you certainly must be.  You've give your husband 10 years, 5 children, and your faithfulness.  You deserve a faithful husband.  No one is perfect and we all do very stupid things sometimes, but if he is not willing to even try to correct his mistake then what have you got to lose by kicking him out?  Let's see how this stacks up:   

1.  You THOUGHT you were both devoted to each other, but then you found out he had been carrying on an affair.  Was this the first slut he'd been with, or just the first to demand that he dump his wife? 

2.  He walked out IN FRONT OF HIS CRYING CHILDREN - what a hero.    

3.  He calls his mistress from the office of the marriage therapist.  How thoughtful and considerate of HER feelings he is.   

4.  He only came back to you after the bimbo dumped him - apparently he needed a place to sleep? 

5.  He's told you straight out that he would leave if the bimbo wanted him back because he "loves" her.   

6.  Your therapist told you that there was no hope - what spark of hope do you see exactly? 

So if you let him stay, you will be sitting aroung, cringing, afraid of asking for what you want (deserve), afraid of making a mistake, afraid of making him mad . . .  waiting for the next little bimbo to come along and allow herself to be lured into his bed.    What kind of life would that be?  Is it one you want? 

Loving someone is not enough to sustain a marriage, and you have to love yourself and your children enough to demand that he either be as devoted to the relationship as you are or to get out and go after what he wants (if he can figure that out).   Please do not teach your children that is acceptable to be treated like a consolation prize (oh, well, I can't have what I want so I guess I'll settle for my devoted family until something better comes along).  All of you deserve better than that.   

So kick him out and tell him to decide what he wants - refuse to wait in limbo.  If he gets a clue, don't let him back into your home until you've been through further counselling.  If he doesn't get a clue, then move on and find someone who knows what he wants.   Life will absolutely suck for a while because it will be hard, emotionally, financially, every way.  But you CAN get through it, you ARE strong enough, your kids WILL be better off, and you DO deserve better.  None of us get a "do-over", so make this life count. 

Several people have stated quite firmly that no one should try to discipline another person's child, or pass judgement on their parenting techniques.  Wisdom isn't bestowed upon parents at the moment of birth in a beam of light - they start out in blissful ignorance and get on-going on-the-job training and hopefully read up on a few things.  But event the most conscientious and well-meaning parents are going  to make mistakes. 

1.  If no one can speak up about those mistakes, how are the parents to learn how to do things better or get any other perspectives or ideas?  Or even know what their kids are doing behind their backs? 

2.  Aren't family members are in a position to make comments or suggestions for the good of the children, especially if they see something drastically wrong?   

3.  Or are family members just supposed to shrug their shoulders and let the kid suffer the consequences later in life? 

I can't see scolding strangers in public places, but I think the "not my kids, not my business" attitude is irresponsible at best.   If you are expected to interact with the kids, you have some right to tell them to stop kicking the dog or jumping on your furniture or screaming at you.   And if you are related to the kids and love them and want the best for them, how can you keep silent?