Messages By: patches23

Michael - you are an intelligent person but like you say, out of control.  I was married to a man who had the same rage as you show.  My kids and I never knew when he was going to blow up - we walked on eggs every day.  He made our lives pretty miserable.  He didn't use foul language but he was loud, he scared our kids when they were little with his booming voice.  He took the joy out of so much of my life from playing cards or games - he always had to win; he complained about spending money at holidays, going to a movie - he'd complain about the cost of popcorn. I dreaded having him go with me anywhere, I just wanted to enjoy myself.   

He passed away very suddenly 9 years ago.  My kids are all grown and in their 30's but they are still dealing with issues that weren't resolved when he was alive.  We all loved my husband/their father but we didn't like him very much.  A friend of his asked me why I stayed in such an abusive marriage.  I told him if it bothered  him so much, maybe he ought to tell my husband how he was behaving because it didn't do me any good to say anything.  My husband had a way of making everything someone else's fault, usually me or the kids.  I threatened to leave him 6 months before he died - that opened his eyes and he did start to change.  I felt so much anger after he died because after almost 30 years of marriage, he was finally being nice to me and I felt cheated that we didn't have a chance to enjoy each other and appreciate each other more.   

My daughter recently asked me about my favorite Christmas.  I told her about several and asked her what was her favorite. She replied "I don't have any, dad (my husband) took the fun out of everything".   How sad that was to hear.   

Please Michael, change your ways and appreciate and love your family. If you were to die tomorrow, all these unresolved issues will eat at your wife and children as they have my family.  They will wonder how it could have been if you made the effort.  Please, please make the effort and make their life worth living. 

There are many reasons I stayed in this relationship.  My main concern was for my children's welfare. Their father could have provided for them much better than I could but I was not about to leave them in his care for any reason because of his impatience and temper with them.  I did work part-time when they were older, I babysat, sold Tupperware, worked in a fabric shop, worked at the school they attended, worked in a store - but none of them paid enough for me to pay for daycare.  My mother was very much like my husband, a control freak - I guess I figured that was the way most marriages were because I was used to it.  Fortunately, I had a father who loved me and showed me that there were kind people in the world.  I could never please my mother or my husband - I was never good enough.  And I truly thought things would get better.  Yes, that was very naive on my part, but I kept hoping.  I wasn't married very long when my husband turned into a tyrant and control freak.  Because I loved him I more or less accepted his behavior.  As my children grew, I was the buffer between them and him - the peacekeeper.  I don't really agree that because a child is abused he/she will turn into an abuser IF that child makes an effort to be a better parent when he/she becomes one.  Maybe it's because I had a better temperment  - my children have told me many times I've been a great mom and they are thankful that I was there for them.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was abused all the time - we did have good times too.  I did have therapy after he passed away to deal with my anger and my therapist thought my husband might have been bi-polar.  He was never on an even line - he was either way up or way down and could change in a moment - that kind of person is very difficult to live with.   

I am living a fulfilled life now. I own my own business, make all my own decisions right or wrong and love the feeling of freedom.  A few months after my husband passed away, my daughter told me she hoped I'd never marry again because she knew how unhappy I was and she didn't want anyone taking my freedom and happiness away .  I'm sure not all marriages are like mine was but I have absolutely no desire to go down that road again.  There are worse things than not being married!!!!  I truly hope Michael and Bridgette work out their differences.  If not, they would be better off divorced.  I worry about their children.  No one should ever talk to their children like Michael does.  His behavior towards them is shameful and disgusting.  He needs to clean up his act.  Bridgette needs to get her own life and so something constructive and meaningful to her.  I hope the family gets into therapy together and can resolve these issues.