Quote From: coneven4uMy sister is 34 years old with 4 kids. She is going through her second divorce. Recently, she has been diagnoised with Bipolar. I am also Bipolar, diagnoised in adolescence. Anyway, my sister's attitude and priority system has competely changed since she started dating a much younger man; he just turned 20. She used to be ultra conservative, afraid to live outside a box of political correctness. Now she's having a scandalous affair with a man 14 years her junior, and it began before she filed for a divorce. She used to be very family oriented, but now she just comes around when she needs money from our parents. She used to put her children above herself, now her youngest says that she is nobody's baby anymore. When we try to talk to her and warn her that her in-laws might be putting together a custody case against her she just looks off into space and grins like she's not hearing a word of it and she's proud of rebelling, not listening. Today my father even told her that she looks like she's on drugs. Her eyes were glassy and her demeanor was worse than is usual as of late, but she might have just been tired I guess. When i tell her that I love her lately she just makes some off handed comment like "Someone needs to."
I can't find words to describe it but both of my parents sense it too. She's not acting like the same person. There's a self centeredness about her and apathy towards the feelings of other people that wasn't there before. She used to live her life worried about what others think of her, now she's being indiscreet with her dateing tof his young man. She's even had him over to her trailer and it sits on her in-laws land; they've called the law to have him removed from the property before but she persists in inviting him--calling the trailer she lived in with her soon to be ex "her home."
As aforementioned, I'm Bipolar myself. I know all about mood swings and impulsive recklessness. But I'm still the same person in the core of my identity. My entire priority system doesn't do a complete flip-flop, and I'm a recovering drug addict to boot. What I'm trying to say is her personality change is more than moodiness or depression. It might be an extreme case of mania.
This situation might not sound serious to you, but it's got our family on its head. My father is refusing to give her money to help her get another place to live because she's not thinking clearly and he really doesn't have it to spare. My sister thinks that my father would loan it to me, but not for her. All she thinks about is the young guy, and it really bothers my parents since they're old fashioned and she's still married. I used to think it wasn't that huge of an idea if it kept her from getting depressed and suicidal through the divorce. After all, it is what it is. But something is changing my sister, and I don't like it. It shakes me up. The young man can't be a good influence on her if her priorities have changed so much since he came in the picture?
My question is, can I expect to see my old sister again--maybe after the divorce is over and the inevitable custody issue is resolved? Will she ever be the preschool teacher conservative person whom I know and love? I miss the dependable sister; I didn't realize how much of my foundation was built on her stability and responsibility. I was always the scapegoat, the one who needed extra attention because I have problems. Come to find out, she has one of the same diagnoises as I do except I have about 17 of them. Do you think it's just the stress of the divorce and she is utilizing him as a "transition" person between relationships? She states that she's not the type of person who could ever live alone.
I JUST WANT MY BIG SISTER BACK!!! Any ideas?
I can identify with your sister though I am not sure it if is for the same reasons. I am about to go through a divorce myself and have been separated for quite a while. I met a younger man though not twenty not long after I made the desire to divorce known. I know it wasn't right and much more so please don't point a finger at me for that. I think a part of me wanted to feel loved and worthy of someone's love. I wasn't on drugs or anything like though with your sister that might be a part of the problem going on. I hooked up with the younger guy and we were engaged to be married. I felt like I wouldn't survive if I didn't have anyone in my life especially someone who cared or loved me. I felt unworthy of that emotion. It was not the best decision in the world for me to make or the best time to make it. He is Bipolar/Borderline with severe PSTD from serving in the war in Iraq. At first i got the attention and I felt alive and beautiful. So maybe sis feels something missing in her life, or she is afraid of not only be alone but being lonely at the same time. I am sure there are tons of reasons why people do what they do. If i was to give any advice A) talk to her and tell her what you see and ask honestly what is going on. Hopefully it will make some impact especially since you share a close bond. B) i agree talking to the doctor and saying this is what we, the family, are seeing. They need to know that things are off base. C) I think in time when it wears off (the novelty of his age and all) that things will slowly return to the way they were and as long (if she is using) that the drugs stop. D) Don't lend her the money to obtain them no matter how much you think you might be helping her. I know you know that but I wanted to say it anyway. I, too, am a recovering drug addict and though I want the pills so bad I know they are a road to death and destruction for me. E) This is probably going to come off weird or cold hearted though I don't mean it that way at all. So don't take it that way please. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Meaning you can only do so much for her. You can love her, support her, and care for her. But you can't live her life for her and sometimes sadly people must learn the hard way. I hope things get better for all concerned especially the kids. They don't deserve this but neither does she.
It sounds like with the abandonment thing that she might have Borderline Personality as well. Which because of the additional stress factors a divorce brings might be making that worse as well if she does have it.
Deb
