Messages By: lisaann88

I went thru the same horror with my own son. He is now 15 and although not exactly perfect, he has come along way. Soo many people will offer all kinds of crazy advice and your brain gets boggled. I can tell you what helped us. The brutal truth has to hit him.  

First off, he needs your love and support always, always. I sent my son to live in a government run (I live in Canada) facility for four months. During that time, they had a staff of five adults that forced him to understand basic and simple rules of life. They had night shifts so it was a 24 hour watch. There was no cruelty but simply scheduled meals, clean ups etc. that the children HAD to abide by. Even though sending him away was the hardest thing to do ever, he learned that people have boundaries and that he there are some rules he MUST follow. He was always very loved and he knew so that the fact that "even people that love you will draw the line at some point" came home clearly to him. he was closer to me than anyone in the world, yet I had to make him understand that even I ,his mother, would separate myself from him when his behaviour became so far out of line as to constantly distrupt our families entire life. Your son needs to understand this or he will end up in jail when he is older as he will function in society as he functions in your home...doing what he pleases. I know that trying to accomplish this task yourself (the firm discipline) is overwhelming and probably unaccomplishable for you. It was for me, you can't be a 24 hour monitor and a person of your own at the same time. People would say that I needed to be firmer but I have another child and try to have some sort of life of my own (grocery shopping and everyday things) so it impossible to do this on your own. Medications won't solve your problem they will only delay it, if they do anything at all. I don't know what is available in your state and I don't know the laws. investigate calling the police on him, and any child protective agencies. I don't mean he needs protection from you but maybe they can place him an alternative care facility if available. I know that is the hardest thing to do but if you don't help him now, he will only get worse. He is young enough that you can still retain some control over him and keep him from  landing in jail when hes older. I talk with my son all the time now, everyday, i reinforce good moral behaviour constantly and he actually listens to me. He appears to be blowing me off BUT his actions tell me that he has heard. He actually makes better decisions than alot of his peers today as he has been through the ringer when he was younger and he learned earlier than other teens. His biggest issue with me today and forcing me to listen to HIM, his point of view is often squewed BUT i force myself to sit down and hear him and respond at his level. This will show him how to respect others and he will learn it by your example. 

I feel for you because you have a long road ahead of you and at your sons age, he is not going to "get it" anytime soon, unfortunately.  Best thing- if he breaks any laws (and eventually he will)   call the police at the first sign (which hopefully will be a minor infraction) with court dates and probation or the like. When he sees that the justive system can put him in a cell and lock him up for crossing society's laws, he will come to understand and begin to follow some rules. Again, check the police and laws in your state as they differ from mine in Canada BUT whatever you do..don't cover for him and let him get away with things that are extreme. As for the small stuff...let it go..."pick your battles" is one of the most important quotes for any parent. With a child like yours you can't sweat the small stuff or he will not pay attention to the big stuff and you need him to pay attention. 

God, I wish I could help you more but hang in there and don't give up. Don't  listen to those people who tell you to give up. So many people spoke to me like I was an idiot and I should just ground him or take away his toys etc, they had no idea how hard it is to force a strong willed child to pefrom to your will when they don't want to.  

Anyway hang in there and hopefully someone from your own town can offer you some good resources. Get someone to help!!! 

Hey, not sure how old you are and it may be that your young, I'm not sure. Do you have a best friend? Imagine the man in your life being your best friend. Imagine if he looked forward to any time he might get to spend with you and would gladly forgo every weekend at the bar because he'd rather hang around with you and the kids and actually like it. Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to be agrown up and maybe finds you and the kids to be a responsibility that he'd rather escape. Stop being the crazy stalker wife who spends all her time chasing around someone who doesn't want to be with her. Get a life of your own and interests of your own. While hes gone, take the kids to the zoo or join classes - hey whatever your thing is. Be too busy to worry about him. It will make him wonder where and when you became a person without him. And you are, you know, a person with or without him. If your problems lie in doing the same old dance...this may help find you more interesting and improve your situation. On the other hand, you may find that you are far more interesting than you thought you were and you really won't care if hes around or not. Interesting people attract others and looks often don't have anything to do with it. I bet you will be surprised by what you learn about yourself once you get looking for interesting things about your self.  

Rather than say " Leave the bum - right here and now" I thought you could use some tools in getting to that point. Remember your children are watching and they're learning, show them how to be a person.....all on your own.   Good luck!!!! 

OMG, thats got to hurt. Sounds like your still dreaming that he is going to feel sorry for what he is doing and want to come back.  I guess if I were you I'd ask myself..."Am I really that desperate or I am a stronger person than that?" From an outsiders perspective..you sound kind of wishy washy and weak and sad. I bet deep down...your alot tougher than that....Look deep and find out for yourself. 

 Wedding vows are words you spoke when you both were in love....all things change...and you have to change with them. Your using these vows as an excuse to be clinging to a man that doesn't want you. Hyou needto ard and cold truth. Your husband cares a great deal about himself....and obviously no one else. This other woman satisfies only his need to gratify himself. Reach around yourself and give yourself a big hug if you can. I mean it, physically do it. It feels quite good.  

I had a friend that was in a similar circumstance as you and she never quit hoping that her husband would come back and be sorry. She eventually starting drinking etc. and became nothing but an empty shell that spent all her time focused on her bitterness for this man. Deal Lord...don't do that to yourself. This man doesn't want to be with you.....its nothing wrong with you (look at Prince Charles choosing Camilla over Diana??) it just means the fates want to learn more about yourself. 

Repicture this whole event...make it all about you and not him. In fact start making your own life all about you......what can you do for yourself? Go find out girl!!!! get your self busy with other things and leave him to rot in his dark hole of selfism. Even if he does want to come back one day (which I doubt) you need to be in a position, at that time, to make that desicion based on your own self esteem. If you have a library in your area..go and read about self esteem and raising it. Your husband and this other lady are moving forward together and without you...maybe it will work...maybe it won't ....but who cares!!!!! make today the day that you do something special for yourself and don't even allow him to be in your thoughts...just for one whole day...then work on tomorrow. 

 I think you need to slow down...your acting like he went out and had an affair and you caught him.  The replies I have read seem to think this man is some kind of terrible person, he's not at all and you, of all people, should know that. One thing I read in the replies that I found true was that men don't talk...but they're actions do. 

You said you have been pretty much happily married for twelve years I think, as you said your the one who always felt safe that your husband was loyal. Your gonna toss that all away because he wanted to look at girlie pictures. My take on the whole thing......he's a bit bored with things..think about your sex life is.....is it exciting anymore...happens to all of us so don't fret.  Seems to me...he didn't talk...your probably busy alot with 3 kids and night school etc....so he decided to find some "safe" excitement of his own.  Doesn't sound like he went to a hard core porn site..he's just looking at naked girls..........FACTS OF LIFE...Men like to see the female body naked............absorb the news....its totally okay ...your husband chose to do it in a way that was private - no humiliation for you thru friends and family....he didn't go have an affair...he just tried to spice things up by himself. He should have talked to you about this BUT MEN DON"T TALK rememeber.......... 

Try being a good friend to him and recognizing that somethings missing in his life instead of making this all about poor you. Then go and make some special time for the two of you...buy some lingerie or something that you think he might like and you might like that fits into your moral code..go as far as you can...its your husband and theres nothing dirty about a healthy sex life.....after all it was God who gave you the parts for it anyway......I think it would immature to walk away based on the facts you've presented. I also think you might have alot of fun yourself and he probably won't be interested in the girlie site anymore because the real thing is now alot more interesting.   Go girl!!! 

I didn't condone what he did, and the whole point of my quote WAS that something is wrong with their realtionship. The fact is - from these facts - it could be something small and repairable. it doesn't need to become a deal breaker that you cry all night about. I was simply trying to show her that people are people and we all behave poorly at some time....her husband was on the very low end of poor behavior considering some of the stuff you see and hear.  I stand by my first quote . What goes on in peoples heads is there own business and no one should ever demand something different. As for the people in the pictures, providing that there are NO children ,obviously, ---of course they have personalities and familes etc. BUT they've put themselves out there to be looked at....its part OF their personality and doesn't take anything away from them. For whatever reason they want to be looked at. C'est La Vie.....its not a perfect world....I can't imagine living in your perfect world and still getting through it, with your strigent...lines that MUST never be crossed. 

To the original writer of the problem.......go and have some fun!!!! 

Throw away twelve years of marriage....the guy is a total dirt ball....take the three children and leave...because this guy made a mistake and didn't share the fact that he looked at girlie pictures. LOOK at her response to it when she found out he did it!!!! Would you confide in someone who totally cried all night and freaked out about it. Eventually you'd learn not to. Sharing means accepting...flaws and all my dear....its great that you have a great relationship with your spouse and maybe her husband could learn from yours...but don't waste him because he isn't. You also said your spouse would share with you that he had looked at the pictures AND you wouldn't have freaked out...thats exactly why he would share with you and can share with you. Not everyone, including our writer is so lucky. I'm like you, my spouse could tell me anything, we're lucky but don't tackle this womans marraige because she hasn't got there yet.  

As for the full blown affair...your way too far ahead...HE DIDN'T DO THAT so don't plant seeds of things that haven';t happened...its not gonna help this woman heal her relationship .She asked for help and advice...sounds like she was totally in love until this one episode...think about it and remember when your giving advice...not everyone stands in the same shoes as you do....