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Messages By: ydelaluz

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February 21, 2006, 2:00 pm CST

help.....going crazy

I am a 30 year old married women with 3 kids 14 (girl), 11 (girl) and 3 (boy). I have always been unhappy with him (husband) because he would never agree with me going out with my friends, or dye my hair, wear certain clothes etc... etc... I got pregnant at an early age 15 and have been with him since i was 14 yrs old. he was verbally abusive and was physically abusive a couple of times. he always did what he wanted whenever he wanted and he had a slight drinking problem, he never spent time with us his family, he lived for his bro. and sist. he sometimes would even tell me that " I was jealous because he loved his family more than he loved me". I can honestly say that his verbal abuse never got to me and I thank my daddy for that. 4 years ago he enrolled in the Army Reserves and i had no clue until he was going to boot camp. He never took my kids or my feelings into consideration when he made this decision, i thought that was really wrong! So when he left I didnt care i actually wasnt home that night, I was hurt because my children were hurting my two daughters at that time and so...I went out. I now know i handled it the wrong way but anyways,...he went off to boot camp 7 weeks he called whenever he got a chance and would say he is sorry, he knows where he did wrong, and he saw his mistakes. O kay I accepted, things were good we had another child which is my boy 3 years now, but then he started doing all these things again calling me fat that noone is going to want me with 3 kids now.,that i am what i am today becasue of him, just awful things , he was again never home he would say as long as he had a job and brought home the bacon that is  all he needed to do, hell i also worked (i'm a teachers aid) after i had the baby and  sometimes during my pregnancy he still continued and i said that is it ! I am done! well around 2 years ago he went overseas. during the first  couple of months I did not miss him at all, i was actually comfortable not having to hear his mouth, there would be no yelling all of that stuff. My children and I were able to things as a family that were never done when he was around. I liked my freedom, sounds kinda funny him being a soldier you think he would know this. But..... during those 2 years i met a man .....at a club who really caught my eye gorgeous!!!! we started talking and i was honest with him since day one about everything and we still kept in touch went out a couple of times very sweet, caring, lovable,  affectionate, and great in everything else if you know what I mean something I did not get from my husband I wasnt sexually satisfied I hate to be harsh but its true. Keep in mind that when my husband was going overseas I mentioned "Divorce" and that i did not love him anymore ......his exact word were whatever, well i am still seeing this man and my husband has been back for about a year now . I dont know how to tell him becasue i dont want to hurt him anymore because he says he loves me and misses me that him being overseas made him see what he had back home was precious and should be treasured and he wishes he could take all the pain and hurt he caused me and his kids. I understand that but for me it is too late. Recently my dad past on January  of 2006, and he got along great with dad, he made all of the arrangements and I am greatfull for that but since my dad passed he has been staying in my apartment (I sleep in my daughters bed with her) for what reason he says for the kids to be there for them I feel bad telling him to go back to his place becasue he did everything for my dads funeral and my family had his support all the way. He goes through my things and questions me all the time he says I am still his wife and that i owe him that respect, the reason i am still his wife is becasue he wont give me the divorce, i have moved on although i dont plan to marry or be serious with anyone until i get my life straight first and become financially stable i am not ready for a committment with anyone, but hey....as a women I have needs. well I dont know what to do I need some advise how should i handle this situation i am tired of being "nice" 

 
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February 22, 2006, 8:05 am CST

Infidelity

Quote From: srbluvslab

You took vows with someone. You made 3 kids with someone. Then because you aren't "satisfied" and you aren't having your "needs" met, bam, you are off for greener pastures.  

  

I think you need to grow up, get you and your hubby into counseling and see if you can save this marriage. It amazes me how 25, 30, 35, 40, 45 and older year old women can act so much like little school girls with their "crushes" and he is so "gorgeous". Oh, and he is so sweet and caring and lovable and blah blah blah. I don't care if he is Don Juan HE ISN'T YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU ARE A MARRIED WOMAN!!!!! 

  

My guess, you came here hoping people would tell you to leave him and to validate the way you feel. Nice, you are about to split up your family because some other guy gave you a few orgasms. Nice standards. I'd take a million dollar bet with you. I'd bet you a million dollars that if you divorce your husband and go be with this other guy you'd be in the same situation with him as you are with your husband in just a few years. 

  

Now I will be nice and not say the rest of what I think. 

I respect your opinion, but my husband and I have been to counseling, we've been to marriage retreats that the military has provided for us, i have been the one who has seeked this help all the time because  I dont agree with divorce (although we are just married by court)  because I did not grow up in a broken home my parents were married for 42 years (until my dad passed in Jan. ) they had a beautiful marriage the whole time, and i want the same thing maybe not the same but more understanding to my opinion and my feelings and my choices within this marriage. But i have tried for 12 years that him and i have been married.... How much more can I take ? I believe I have reached my limit my own children even tell me mom daddy is not fair, why do i put up with so much? i in now way want my kids to think it is okay to be treated this way  or that they have to put up with it because no one should  I dont care if there is 15 children involved  the way he is with me is unacceptable and i have repetedly brought that to his attention. But look at it this way I have been married for 12 years during those 12 years he has never spent time with me or the kids if he aint is some training which that i understand (cuz he need to handle his businesss) he is with friends or family, he does not even go with me to do laundry, groceries, pay the bills or help around the house or financially he has another apartment and all his money goes to that and his personal bills, he dont buy anything for the kids. I also have a full time job I provide for anything my kids need I do everything on my own even my car note, I take my kids to their school activities, to the dr. , to everything they are involved in.... then I get home and cook dinner, pick up, help with homework, get up super early and get everything ready before school, take my son to the babysitter etc..., etc... And he is not around to help becasue he is having fun like if he was single, so you tell me "honestly" Why do I need him around? This thing about this other guy is not important and you are right all men start off like that in the beginning i've learned a lot from my friends w/ kids trust me. I have no intention of .... or have i thought when i dvorce my husband i am going to persue a serious relationship with him, HELL NO!!!! the last thing i need is another headache, and he was just lets say .....something i should of never messed with in the first place. We remained friends, he has his fiance now . I still have the same issues so I know he is not the reason why I wanted to do all of this, I wanted to do this years ago, I am not splitting up my family because of another man he is splitting it up. i wanted to try and work things out and have some professional try and make him see things, but to me it has just been a waist of time because he is still the same person. So... tell me what else is there for me to do????? I've ran out of solutions because the Marriage retreats and the counseling has not helped.
 
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February 23, 2006, 9:32 am CST

Infidelity

Quote From: teresac

Sounds to me also like you want someone to tell you to leave your husband and get a divorce.  In this last post you say you "don't agree with divorce"...and in a previous post you are angry that your husband won't give you a divorce.  Hmmmm  I'm confused.  If you came looking for sympathy....you are not going to get it from me. 

  

It takes two to make a marriage.  Your marriage did not get this way by your husband's actions alone.  You put up with his uninvolvement and his put downs and so this is where it has brought you.  You are just as guilty as he is.  You have taught him how to treat you.  You allowed it to happen and so it goes on.  And sadly your children are witness to a disfunctional marriage.  You are both to blame equally.  And so to mend your fractured ego you begin a relationship with another man while your husband is deployed defending his country.  Defending the rights of the very man you are screwing.  I actually feel more sorry for your husband than I do for you.  That to me is the lowest form of betrayal.   

  

Your children deserve better than this.  They deserve to see their parents (the very ones that brought them into this world) working constructively at repairing their marriage....not tearing it down.  You say your "tired of being nice".  What is THAT supposed to mean.  By being "nice", and loving, and forgiving, and holy, you will get through this and be a better person.  I'm not quite sure I agree however with your definition of "nice".....aldutery is not "nice".   

I dont agree with divorce...... but else is there for me to 2 if he wont reason, still wants to control me, still does what ever he wants when he wants. Honestly it is like if I am a single mother, i take handle all of my responsibilities without him anyways, 1.he does not help financially 2. he is not involved in the kids lives. 3. he is living the single life girls calling my home telling me they are pregnant and he is with them (her) now but I know they are not pregnant because he had a vesectomy. I am not the type of women that is going to be checking his phone, following him etc..., etc... I have 3 kids to focus my attention to. and it makes me angry that he wants to still be married to me regardless of how he treats me. I can honestly say that i was always the one who would try and talk some sense in him about his behavior and what he is exposing to my girls and now my 3 year old son. He wont listen. The first year things were great  i am not going to lie... but then things started going down hill why???? I dont have an answer and he wont tell me, and i have reached the point where i dont care anymore.. I dont need anyone to tell me to leave my husband or to get a divorce I know how much my kids and i can take but....my kids see him every now and then and they talk to him on the phone everyday although he aint home. I am just afraid my kids will get really screwed up when i tell them i want to divorce there father. I know what i want i actually got a chance to go back to school to finish my nursing career. something i couldnt do before because i would get that I was neglecting my "job" at home with the kids and chores. That makes me mad because i supported him with his career being a police officer, i dont get the same from him... never, no support at all. I am not happy being married to someone like this who wont respect me, love me the children, have family time, in other words be a family. I know "respect" i didnt respect him when i did what i did,  i understand that was not the way to go about it. And i corrected my error by cutting all ties with him. I have tried for many years like i said before Marriage Retreats that the military provided, counseling alone, with him, and my children. Even my boss got involved doing something nice for us, so we can get away for 3 days what did he do the whole time gamble.... tell me is that someone who is willing to try at all? One thing that i disagree with you is you stated i am guilty two by allowing him to treat me this way, no one deserves to be treated this way... so I am guitly for trying to make him change by seeking help, so your saying the minute it started i should have left and divorced this man???? Now that wouldnt be fair, at least i have proof that i seeked prof. help and that i wanted to work out my marriage. this is just a man that is not going to change, I cant take it anymore, I am tired of trying for the past 11 years. How much more do I need to try before i definately throw in the towel?
 
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October 2, 2006, 12:57 pm CDT

Help... confused

Hi Dr. Phil I am a mother of 3 children 14, 12 and a 4 year old, i have been seperated from my husband for 3.5 years. my relationship was physically and verbally  abusive and controlling. that i would never amount to anything, no one will want me with 3 kids, that i was fat and ugly, that the man i do meet will only want me for one thing and that is SEX. He was a drinker during the weekends every weekend him and i were always argueing and hardley around each other. I always for 14 yrs did the laundry, grocerie shopping, errands, house cleaning alone it was allright for me to do that on my own other than that i was not allowed to have a social life with my friends, but he would be out all of the time go to school, hang with friends, join sports, go see his family, be out drinking in other words have a life. i was completely tired of it so i just lived day by day with my kids going out with them to the zoo, movies , go to birthday parties with them while he would be out somewhere else or home sleeping recuperating from a hangover. Well 6 years ago he joined the military which i didnt approve of because he did not sit to talk to me about it, and the way i found out was he was packing and i heard a seargant knock at our door picking him up to go to Fort Lenardwood, I was so furious that he did not take into consideration our kids feelings and mine. Well while he was in boot camp my children and i went to visit him i did it for the sake of my children not for mine of course. Well during that time i was enjoying my freedom enjoying things that i was unable to do when he was around spend time with my friends , go out every now and then it was  nice well i started noticeing that i was so peacfull and calm I lost weight, and was much happier with myself felt more confident i was able to dye my hair, where what i wanted, shop and buy us things we liked etc... etc... Well he had gone over seas 2002 he was there for 1 yr and 1/2. When he was scheduled to return my kids and i went to the welcome home thing and i spoke to him a week prior to that , that i didnt want him to come home, he said fine he was staying at his sisters home, I know this is mean and cruel but that is just the way i felt he put me through so much pain cheating , physically abusive and verbally. Well we have been seperated ever since he wont do nothing for his kids ,pays no child support, wont see them, unless i nagg about it. I had to take up two jobs to provide for my kids. Well two years ago i met someone amazing, sweet, caring and supports me in everything i do he has done more for my kids than their own father. My kids dont know much about him becasue i dont bring him around. this past week my back went out i couldnt walk, i called their father if he can take me to the hospital his remark was i have to work and have other things to do. So i called him if he can do me that favor, he took me to the hospital , stood there with me the whole time, and stayed with me Thurs - Sunday at my place and helped me get around, he cooked , cleaned, did the groceries for me and my laundry  and was attentive to my and my kids every need, he was the best with my kids my younger ones liked him but my 14 yrs old was with attitude and everything. He is interested in pursuing something further with me but i'm scared becasue my soon to be ex gives me a hard time that he will take my kids away from me, he recently called the cops on me because i took up a second job and went to work and my two older daughters stayed home alone but grandma lives upstairs and other family my younger son was with his uncle and was spending the night at his home. since my soon to be ex found out about this other person he has been more of a jerk, he dont want this person to come near my kids well he never did until this past week. I dont know what to do i do like this other person but i dont want my kids to be taken from me since i am technically still married to this other jerk and i cant afford a divorce right now. i had to take up anthher job just to pay my bills. this other person offers to help but i just cant take it, i feel i am taking charity although i know he does it from the kindness of his heart, and just wants to make things easier for me. but its hard for me to accept help i have to much pride. i want to do this alone but i am afraid he might get tired of waiting and walk away but yet i am scared of moving foward becasue i dont want to get hurt again. what should i do? if i dont get this divorce (lack of money) is there a chance of him taking my kids from me if i get involved with this other person? I have been seperated for 3 years now and he does nothing for them kids. I dont plan to move in with him or start a life with him, just date and get to know each other and take it from there. i have to make sure all my 3 kids are comfortable with it first, but then again what if they never do then what? they are okay cuz they just met him and they dont know his feelings towards me and mine toward him. please help me i am so confused and stressed out. Oh and let me add I am no longer in love with my kids father. i realized that 4 years ago.
 
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October 3, 2006, 7:53 pm CDT

10/03 Ask Dr. Phil and Robin

Quote From: chloe1626

I think you are an amazing woman to be so strong and to get out of this relationship. I have so much respect for you yet don't even know you.  I think you did the right thing. You and your children are better off without him. Even if he didnt abuse the children, seeing it happen to you will hurt them in many ways too. Its sad that he thinks so low of himself that he would try to break you down like he did. In the end there it sounds as though he's jealous because he even relizes that your better off without him.  Your kids reaction to this new man aren't surprising.  This has probably all been hard for them too watching what has been going on for years.  They could just be scared of this new man possibly "taking you from them".  I bet if you sat down with them and discussed it so they could understand how important he is to you, they may be a bit more understanding.  As for him, if he doesn't already know the whole story, I'd just lay it out for him.  If he does care deeply for you he'll realize the situation your in and  he'll wait until your ready to commit. I would go for it though, taking it slow like you said. You have to follow your heart and keep opening it over and over again.  I've learned the best lessons in the worst relationships. And it may take a few men like your ex before you find that great one, and alot of times its well worth it. Unfortunately I dont know any of the legal end of things but i can't see the courts giving him custody when he doesn't take care of them now.  I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your children.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE IT MEANS A LOT TO ME BEING THAT I GET LOTS OF NEGATIVITY FROM MY FAMILY THAT I SHOULD TRY AND WORK THINGS OUT, AND THAT IS SOMETHING I REFUSE TO DO. IT IS GOOD TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE UNDERSTANDS ME. THIS OTHER PERSON I CALL MY FRIEND THAT WOULD LIKE TO BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH ME KNOWS THE WHOLE STORY AND HE IS THERE FOR ME AND UNDERSTANDS ME SOMETHING I DID NOT GET FROM MY HUSBAND ,HE IS VERY PATIENT AND I CAN RELY ON HIM FOR ANYTHING ALTHOUGH FOR ME IT FEELS VERY WEIRD ACCEPTING HELP I KNOW IT SOUNDS DUMB BUT THE ONLY ONE PERSON I EVER ACCEPTED HELP FROM WAS MY FATHER SADLY HE PASSED AWAY IN JANUARY AND THIS HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON ME BECASUE WE WERE CLOSE AND HELPED EACH OTHER OUT HE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME CANT SAY THE SAMEABOUT MY MOTHER WE DONT GET ALONG VERY MUCH ALTHOUGH I STILLLOVE HER CUZ SHE IS MY MOM BUT IT JUST ISNT THE SAME FOR ME DEALING WITH MY DADS DEATH THIS DRAMA MY KIDS FATHER IS GIVING ME IS JUST TOO MUCH MY KIDS AND MY FRIEND AND MY DEAREST COUSIN IS WHAT REALLY KEEPS ME GOING. ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE AND GOD BLESS YOU
 
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October 3, 2006, 8:10 pm CDT

10/03 Ask Dr. Phil and Robin

Quote From: soldout4god

If you believe in God... He can still save your marriage. You do sound like you you have had it rough, but God can use you and your husband in a mighty way. That other guy sounds really nice, but the realationship you have with him is not Godly. If you leave your husband for him, how can God bless that? As for doing it on your own... do what you have to. I know that MY GOD, can provide your EVERY need. But you have to step out on faith and trust him. My God is a God of the impossible. And if you  choose to follow Christ, He will give you the peace that passes ALL understanding.

        You say that your husband is threatening to take your kids away... I promise if you learn to depend on God and not on a man, He will protect you and show favor on you, and He will take care of your situation.

         I want to say I'm not trying to judge you and your situation, I'm just trying to tell you what the REAL answer is. Its not another man- its God. Focus on being the good mother you are, and let time tell for your marriage. I know God can change your husband to be the man of your dreams. Will you let him?

        You know God loves you so much!!! He hurts when you hurt. He wants so much more for you than what you are going through right now. But He allows us to go through these bad things to make us trust Him. I say you can't get your blessing until you go through Hell first to get it.

       God bless you.- pray for wisdom

I UNDERSTAND ALL THAT YOUR SAYING BUT HE HAS DONE SO MUCH DAMAGE TO ME AND MY CHILDREN AND I JUST DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE, I DONT FEEL ANYTHING THAT MIGHT JUST SAVE MY MARRIAGE. THIS OTHER PERSON I AM NOT SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH HIM, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN SEPERATED FOR 3 YEARS I AM NOT READY FOR ANY OF THIS, I COULD ADMIT THAT I AM HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR BUT THATS IT. HE HAS NOT CHANGED CONTINUES DRINKING, BEING ABUSIVE WHEN HE HAS THE CHANCE AND I WILL NOT PUT MYSELF IN THAT SITUATION AGAIN, HE HAS TRIED GOING TO AA MEETINGS AND WE TRIED NUMEROUS MARRIAGE RETREATS THAT THE MILITARY HAS PROVIDED FOR US BUT HE TAKES NOTHING SERIOUS, OH AND MIGHT I ADD THAT HE IS INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMEN THAT I GET HARRASED BY, I AM TOO OLD FOR GAMES AND I DONT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO ANY OF THIS I HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON IN MY LIFE TO TRY AND LET SOMETHING SO CHILDISH AGGRAVATE ME OR BOTHER ME, I DO BELIEVE IN GOD AND THE MIRACLES HE CAN DO FOR US IF WE LET HIM BUT I ALSO BELIEVE THAT GOD ALSO DOES THINGS FOR A REASON AND IF NOTHING HAS WORKED OUT FOR US BY NOW THEN THAT IS GODS WILL AND THAT IS THE WAY GOD WANTS IT TO BE . CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR OPINION ON THAT. I COULD BE WRONG BUT THAT IS WHAT I WAS TAUGHT WEN GOING TO CHURCH. 
 

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