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September 9, 2005, 7:32 am PDT

Smart kids meshing with peers--or NOT

My daughter is in a similar situation--not AS advanced, but she is extremely smart and in school with kids her age. You know who she hangs out with? The autistic kids. Being physically in the same place with people her own age has not made her any more socially competent than hanging out with adults (with whom she is MUCH more comfortable). Dr. Phil mentioned the absent minded professor stereotype and cited it as an argument for making sure kids get the necessary socialization. It's bull. The ability to socialize well is primarily HARDWIRED. For most kids who lack the hardwiring, high school years are pure torture. I have huge doubts of the value of torture in contributing to the child's emotional wellbeing and functionality as an adult.
 
September 9, 2005, 11:24 am PDT

09/09 Ask Dr. Phil and Follow-ups

Quote From: momakababe

socialization from nature (hardwired) or nurturing (taught behaviors)?  I wouldn't discount either as being "bull" but rather I believe both would play a part.  I believe we're certainly hardwired for a great deal of our personality but I also believe the influences around us can have a huge effect on who we are & how we behave.   A child of abuse may very well continue the pattern in their adult life & yet they may not & I believe that's part of the "hardwiring" but for the children that do repeat the behavior if they hadn't been influenced by abuse in their life, regardless of the hard wiring, there would be no abuse influence to repeat.  So yes it's hardwiring but the influence (IMO) still has to be there.  A person can be born shy, or some people can be taught through ridicule to become shy.  I've fraternal twins & while they're both friendly & outgoing 1 is that much MORE outgoing.  Among even identical twins where they have the exact same "hardwiring" there will still be differences in personality & while we have the same parental influences as they grown up the influences change with different friends & schools etc.   I believe that's part of their personality development.   

   

I think it becomes a problem when a child is unable to be social with their own group because they are going to miss their childhood.  Intellegually smart or not I think we're all intitled to each different phase of our life & all that it should bring with it.   

   

I think to say that someone is simply hardwired is to wash our hands of being able to give them the skills to be a positive part of society.  I don't believe there is a mold we all need to fit but social skills I believe are important.  This isn't only for the children who are shy but for the agressors in school who may have their behavior explained away as "That's just their way & it's hardwiring".  We can & should teach kindness & to have emptahy for others.  This would help cut back on a LOT of the misery of the kids in all levels of school.  just my opinion of course.   

There are certainly environmental factors, but the example Dr. Phil gave is not one that falls into that class. Most of the very intelligent people I know have been disfunctional socially not out of shyness or abuse, but because they just plain do not relate to people in the same way most people do. They either have difficulty reading social cues (hardwired) or have no interests in common. Having no interests in common is less of a problem for them than it is for the people they're trying to mesh with. More commeraderie is found with other eccentrics--people who don't EXPECT others to necessarily share their interests.
 
October 11, 2005, 8:16 am PDT

Rat Bite Fever

Rats are wonderful pets!  I love them.  We had a pair, and they are far more intelligent and personable than hamsters or gerbils or guinea pigs.  There are some cautions you should take with them however, particularly in what can be a chaotic environment.

Depending on whom you ask, up to 99% of captive rats carry bacteria for Rat Bite Fever in their mouths and feces.  It's usually not a huge problem, because pet rats really don't bite often and when they do they seldom break the skin.  Our daughter, however, managed to catch it, probably through a scratch on her abdomen.  She used to let the rats tunnel into her shirt and  squirm around.  She did not keep the rats' cage terribly clean, and it's likely there  were bacteria on the nails which entered her bloodstream when a scratch broke the skin.  Another way people have contracted rat bite fever is by eating or drinking food or water which has been sampled by rats.  I've known many people who thought it was fun to have their pets drink from their glass or give them kisses.  Not a good idea.  Apparently the microorganisms are robust enough not to be destroyed by the digestive system.

Rat Bite Fever usually starts out seeming like the flu and is accompanied by joint pain.  The symptoms can go away and you think you're all better only to have them recur after a few weeks.  You can also get a rash which looks very much like Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.  That's what they initially thought my daughter had, except it wasn't quite the right season and then they discovered the scratches.

So as I said, rats are wonderful pets, but keep their cages clean, don't share your food with them, and if you have any rat inflicted wound (bite or scratch) that breaks the skin please go see a physician to get some antibiotics.
 
November 20, 2005, 4:42 am PST

I think Becky's family needs to grow a pair.

If there is a social situation where her foul mouth will be a problem DON'T INVITE HER!  She has to understand that there are some consequences for her attitudes.  Of course you love her and want her to be a part of your life, but apparently she has no consideration whatsoever for other people's sensitivities if it does not affect her personally.  If she is required to be polite to get a desired response (i.e. to land a job) she has stated she will be.  She has stated that under many circumstances she can and will hold it in.  Apparently she does not consider her family's comfort to be important enough for her to be willing to do so in their presence, but has this "If you love me you'll accept me for who I am and let me do what I want" attitude.

If you don't want the behavior, don't let her get away with it.  Giving her "that look" isn't enough.  It's like punishing a child by sending him to his room. . . with the gameboy, and the tv, etc.  You have to give her consequences that are unpleasant enough for her that toning it down is less unpleasant than the alternative.

If someone asks you why your beloved family member isn't there for an important occasion, be blunt:  you love her dearly and wish she could be there, but she has a potty mouth and no self control. 

If you really can't bear to leave her out, then suck it up.  Accept that she has control over you in this regard.  Accept that she has no sympathy for people who aren't willing to put up the effort to upstage her, no concept that there are situations in which it is inappropriate to even try to upstage others, or that other people's feelings deserve respect. 

People go through all kinds of embarrassments to  have loved ones involved with social functions.  The elderly father with incontinance and alzheimers.  The autistic child who throws loud violent tantrums.  The schizophrenic who spends the entire evening in a heated vocal argument with a punch bowl.  These are conditions which the afflicted have little or no control over.  Some folks will leave these loved ones at home, some will bring them everywhere, and some will pick and choose the situations.  It doesn't mean these people are loved any less for their ailments.  How do you want to view Becky?  As a person who makes a choice to behave the way she does or a person with a disability which has to be accommodated for?
 
April 21, 2006, 7:36 am PDT

Is there another reason for wanting another child?

Could there be more to the issue than the father just wanting a big family?  I have a similar issue going on at my home.  I also have 4 kids, and my husband who when we got married originally said he only wanted 3 is now dogging me for a 5th. In our case, however, I have suspicions it's not simply a matter of him wanting kids.  I know he is feeling unfulfilled in his job and that he isn't having a permanent impact on the world.  He feels helpless at so many other things, and this permanent creative endeavor makes him feel he is making more of a difference in the universe.  Really, the more insecure he feels in his employment and other matters the more desperately he seems to want another child.
 
April 21, 2006, 7:47 am PDT

Birth control of any variety is not infallable

Sexual intercourse evolved/was created as a method of procreation, and it is very good at it.  Any time a young man engages in it he has to be prepared for the possible consequences.  If he had worn a condom and it malfunctioned he would still be liable for the outcome.  Leaving it up to the girl is just plain stupid.  People do stupid things all of the time, and they have to face the consequences of their actions.  If he had slept with the girl and had contracted AIDS from her, saying it was her fault would not  cure him.  She would not be liable for his medical bills even if she swore up and down before intercourse that she was clean.  If he could PROVE she knew she was infected he might possibly be entitled to some damages, but if he can't prove the girl was actively engaging in deception he's up a tree.

 

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