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Messages By: mikelina

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February 21, 2006, 4:06 pm CST

I think you nailed it...

Quote From: hotdog123

I am in the technology business and I am home because of an accidental injury.  I have had the unusal opportunity to view Dr. Phil today.  I think this issue, especially with this couple, cannot be resolved on air.  The husband speaks and thinks like an engineer/technologist, in very concrete logical terms. To me, it seems he cannot see the forest = higher level, but loves to dwell in the weeds-such as performance measures!  He cannot grasp the idea of feelings, emotional impact and effect on his kids and his wife.  To him, the project of marriage is done if it can be monitored by a Microsoft Project time chart and items/details checked off. Staying on the level of him exploring his emotional connection with himself is not on the project work breakdown structure (tasks in a Microsfot Project chart).  Unless he is given objectives with measures, you will lose him. Unfortunately, for example, he does not see spending time alone with my wife on dates as a priority, but for fun, he claims it is dancing and he breaks it down into specific dances he wants his wife to learn.  Next will be timelines for planning and executing and performance measures.  He cares more about the brooms not being in the way of the pantry door, than actually going to the pantry and cooking one night to help his wife out.  He has a "It's all about me... deal with it" attitude.  Today, when Dr. Phil provided some guidance, he was obviously lost thinking to himself, "that does not compute", is not on my project (marriage) plan for executing the perfrect marriage. I would recommend he with his wife go to counseling, of course, but maybe a couples getaway with just his wife to reconfim and remind him of why he got married in the first place.  I would ask him that on air.  "Why did you marry her?"  When did these incomplete tasks become a problem? And where is raising your kids on the project plan?  He did not have his "family" on his list of 75 things to do... that's a hint!  If someone doesn't intervene quickly with him, my fear he will be controlled by a court ordered separation, child support, visitation and divorce order that "will not compute" with him either.  I predict you will soon see him saying, "I understand how you feel, I just don't care" because without dwelling in the weeds, he really does not care about anything but implementing, evaluating, and performance metrics.  Good luck, Dr. Phil! 

While there have been some really good replies in this thread, I think this post said it best on how Grant relates to life, the universe, and everything:  strictly in analytical terms.  Anything in the emotional realm of human existance "does not compute."  Thank you for putting into words the impression I had gotten after seeing the show and reading Grant's posts here. 

  

Grant, there is more to life than schedules and "to do" lists.  I hope, for the sake of your wife and children, you can get in touch with the irrational and emotional sides of life and become a 3-dimensional person. 

 
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October 18, 2008, 1:10 pm CDT

This will be interesting....

I'm 43 (almost) with 2 kids that are with me pretty much year-round.  My ex left me for a woman 7 years younger than me and moved 1/2 way across the country last year to be with her.  Divorce has been final since this spring.  Besides being too busy to get back out on the dating scene because I'm the sole parent, I'm not feeling my prospects are all that promising.  I've been told I look younger than my age, but if a woman who's 30 is having trouble getting dates what are my chances looking like I'm in my mid-30's?
 
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October 25, 2008, 6:10 pm CDT

Past behavior....

Dr. Phil used to say something very often that I remember back to his appearances on "Oprah':  "Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior."  That is definitely the case if a person doesn't want to do the work necessary to keep their marriage going.  Brian has a problem, and that is blaming his bad behavior on his wife's long hours at work and her previous alcohol abuse.  Whatever happened to taking responsibility for your own actions?  I guess I shouldn't be surprised because my husband used to blame me for the problems in our sex life and, with low self-esteem at the time, I was willing to take the blame.  But when I got healthy through counseling and my own husband helping me realize that my self worth isn't dependent on him or anyone else, I stopped accepting the blame that wasn't mine to take and made changes in my life for the better.  Unfortunately, my husband wasn't willing to change his behaviors and eventually, after almost 6 years of dating and 18 years of marriage, left me and our two children for another woman.

 

I hope Brian and Deanne can work things out and rebuild trust, but it's going to take years not days to do.  And both have to be willing and repentant for their past mistakes.  If only one is willing or if they're both unwilling, then they might as well go find lawyers and save themselves from anymore pain in a marriage that has reached the breaking point.

 

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