Messages By: psalm18v2

I'm a little slow in responding because I just registered today.  But here's my $.02/worth on moochers: 

My last long-term relationship was with a moocher.  He is a very nice man, or so it seems -- but he has become an expert at using his "niceness" to play the victim, to get people to feel sorry for him so they will enable him.  He says he "can't find a job," but he won't accept a job unless it is sit-down work during normal business hours -- and I have been working an on-your-feet job on third shift for 13 years!!!  It took me a long time to see through his victim act and to discover that he is very lazy but also very clever in how he manipulates people.  I dumped him and a mutual friend actually gave me a hard time for "kicking him when he was down."  Well, sorry buddy, but this guy has "been down" all of his life and he's not about to change.  I am through enabling him.  Bye-bye.  When I saw Sarah's story, I could only give thanks to God that my eyes were opened before I married this loser...and I did come close! 

Dr. Phil was right on the money when he said that stuff about us being lazy for being with a moocher.  Moochers have little to contribute, so they demand little.  My man was very easy to live with in every area that didn't involve work.  He never complained or criticized anything I did, but I guess he knew better than to bite the hand that was feeding him. 

A friend of mine, however, married a moocher.  He was working when they got married, but he lost his job soon thereafter and hasn't steadily worked ever since.  They have 3 kids, but to her it feels like 4 because hubby sits home on his duff, selling stuff on eBay to make some pocket money but doing little else.  He doesn't even help much with the kids.  My poor friend is working all kinds of overtime so they don't lose their house.  Personally, I'd kick his lazy butt out, sell that house, and move into the trailer park if I had to, just so I wouldn't have to work 80 hrs. a week and could have some time at home with my kids! 

I realize that if I had married my Mr. Mooch, my life would be like my friend's.  And Sarah, so will yours if you marry your man.  Get out while the gittin' is good -- and it might help to go to Al-Anon to work on your codependency issues.  Good luck and God bless. 

Last summer I declared my retirement from dating, and it was a liberating experience!  To prove my point, I donated my old bed (which I had shared with more than one loser-guy) to the homeless shelter and replaced it with a new twin-size bed.  The cat doesn't like it so well, but it suits me fine and I have so much more floor space in the bedroom now! <g> 

Part of my decision to retire springs from my mid-life review.  My 50th birthday is coming up soon, and I'm sorting through many things in my life, deciding what to take forward with me into the next decade and what to leave behind.  One of the first things to go was this business of trying to be something I am not in order to please someone else, just so I could have a man in my life. 

I keep odd hours (third shift) and I'm not one to stay home doing traditional "female" things.  I fill my evenings with a variety of activities which are enjoyable to me and that I'm not willing to give up in order to make myself more available for dating.  I guess I'm getting set in my ways... 

I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my father when I was growing up, and as a result, I chose a string of wimps and mamma's-boys who I knew would never abuse or reject me.  I married two of them, one in my 20's and one in my 30's, and neither marriage lasted long.  By the time I had enough insight into this to change my ways, the "good ones" were all taken...and even if they weren't, a good man would have reservations about taking up with a double-divorcee who comes from a history of abuse.  Yeah, my life was pretty screwed up, but I'm finished with the craziness.  I can't change the past, but I can accept it and try to learn from it and to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.  This is the hand I was dealt, and now I'm trying to play it the best I can...even if it turns out to be a game of solitaire. 

What's the big deal, anyway?  At least the foo-foo-dressed kids are covered!  If we are going to have an attitude toward what people wear to church, I'd vote for gently educating the younger set in matters of modesty, esp. during warm weather.  I'm glad that the scantily-dressed youth are in church, but I don't think they get it about how distracting their skimpy outfits can be or how their excessive displays of skin are tempting the opposite sex into lustful thoughts when their minds should be on godly things.  

I'm not taking sides for now, except to take Kaylee's side!  Why?  My brother was falsely accused by his now-ex-wife of inappropriately touching his step-daughter, and they made his life a living hell for months until his name was cleared and he was proven innocent.  Granted, Kaylee's dad has done some weird things and is slow to respond, but he admits to a long history of drug abuse.  He may well have been stoned out of his gourd when he took Kaylee into the bathroom, supposedly to change her diaper, and when he did or did not slip her a tongue full of birthday cake.  If he has fried his brain with drugs for years, no wonder it takes him a long time to think of what he's going to say!  And he may truly not remember some of the things he might have done while he was stoned.  If he is using drugs around Kaylee, he needs to have his visitation cut off even if he is completely innocent of molesting her.  My question to Krista is, why on earth did you get involved with this loser in the first place?  And to Bonii, what were you thinking, letting Krista start dating a much older man when she was a young teen?  Everyone has made their mistakes in this situation, and poor Kaylee is paying the price.  God knows the truth, and whoever is the guilty party had better pray for His forgiveness and mercy, change their ways, and do everything in their power to undo the damage they have caused this poor innocent child.

Lori, bless you for having the courage to go on the show, sharing your hoarding behavior, and trying to change before it ruins your marriage.  My ex-fiance was a hoarder (notice the word "EX"), and I came from a family of hoarders who grew up during the Great Depression.  My ex-f's house was so filthy and cluttered that the last time I went in, I had to leave because the dust made me have an asthma attack.  But we weren't married yet and I wasn't stuck with him!  To those of us in the non-packrat world, it seems as if the hoarders care more about their stuff (which we see as junk) than about making a comfortable environment for us to live in.  Keeping a FEW things on hand "just in case" is fine, but excessive hoarding is irrational and self-defeating.  You wind up wasting money on duplicate things because you can't find the originals in the heap of clutter, and you force your family to live in a pigsty.  Just ask any of us who have cleaned out the houses of Depression-era relatives after they pass on, and we can tell you about that! 

A few things to consider:  when you have things around the house which are not being used, they are going to waste anyway...it's just that the dump is inside your house instead of at the county landfill.  IMHO, God will provide.  If you pass along those unused extra clothes, shoes, and household items to someone less fortunate who can use them, your good deed will be returned if you ever find yourself in need.  So have a little faith, get some counseling, and set yourself free from this prison of clutter!  Good luck and God bless.

The thing that struck me about both couples was the imbalance of power and the lack of teamwork so evident in their interactions.  Marriage is about forming a partnership, and that requires communication and compromise on the part of BOTH people involved.  If either partner isn't mature enough to get over their need to always have their own way, they have no business getting married.  If someone controls or openly defies their spouse-to-be over wedding plans, what are they going to be like once a baby is on the way?!  Heaven help the child who will get caught in the middle of that mess.