Messages By: tripleh

I don't know if you have been in the military or not, but my guess would be that you have not.    The point I think a lot of civilians don't get is that this guy is not doing this on purpose!  He is going on 22 years of training and a lifestyle that worked for him.  He didn't know how to raise teens- he'd never had any before!  More than likely when he married his wife he felt that he could handle it because he had trained young airmen, many of who are 17 and 18.  To him, he was going into a familiar setting.  I am sure it was quite a shock when it didn't turn out to be like that at all. 

Do I think he should keep up what he is doing?  No.  He is going to have to re-learn how to deal with the people he lives with or else his marriage will suffer or, worse yet, end.  The man waited until later in life to marry his wife- clearly he loves her or else he'd have just stayed single.  I think he will try very hard to learn how to deal with his family in a new and more productive way, but it won't be easy.  On the other hand, he is a carreer miltary man, so he is accustomed to doing and accomplishing things that are not easy.  Therefore it is my guess is that they will all come out of this fine.  It will take work, but they will be Okay. 

I do understand wanting to take the tactics that work in the military and use them in your home.  I am former Air Force, and rules and regulations to me represent predictability and security.  I love rules, so I really get this guy.  I have even made lists of rules and responsibilities for the family to follow, thinking it would clear it all up, just like he has.  I love lists!  They enable me to go down them, check them off, and know that I got everything done and done and done correctly.  However, we have seven kids, four of whom are teenagers.  I am telling you that they do NOT think the same!   It just doesn't work because, unfortunately, you can't stick kids into a box and expect them to conform.   They won't:  They didn't sign up for this; They were born or married into it.  They didn't volunteer!  Dr. Phil made a very good point when he pointed this out to Jeff.  It took me a while to figure this fact out, and I birthed four of these children myself!    

The curious thing is that my husband is the carreer Air Force person, whereas I only spent a few years in, yet he is much more laid back and pretty much leaves the Air Force at the military base.  I think a lot of it has to do with personality. 

Having said that, I am totally "hands off" with discipline when it comes to my step-kids UNLESS my husband has to leave and hands the discipline baton over to me (this is figurative, not literal!  I'm not beating on kids, here!) in front of them.  In that case, I handle it for the sake of harmony, but drop the baton as soon as he walks back in.  And he does the same with my children.  We basically take the same disciplinary position when we are alone with our step-kids that a babysitter would.  As a step mom I am his wife, but not their parent.  I learned this the hard way, but it has made for imporved relations with both my husband and my step-kids.  I try to be their advocate with their father, and I think they (and he) appreciate it. 

Anyhow, that's my two cents.  Jeff, if you are reading this, I understand where you were coming from and I admire you for prostrating yourself in front of the entire nation to talk about your family issues.  I pray that your family is able to work past this, because I really do believe that you have some great kids and a wonderful wife.  I am pretty sure you will, tough.  You seem like a man who wants to do the right thing. 

My two cents, anyhow. 

Nancy Anne 

i  hate a man thats controling!   things can't work for couples if they are like that..  you got to beable to trust each other!  if theirs no trust, then you should  leave each other. find someone else...