Messages By: peachiejw

This show could have been about my ex-husband and myself...........emphasis on the word BEEN!!!  My ex and I were highschool sweethearts and married in his senior year of college.  I worked full-time supporting us and he "furthered HIS education" to include a degree in Psychology..........and numerous affairs.  I  "knew" but decided that "denial" was the easy way out.  When I was in the hospital having our second daughter - he was at the zoo with our 2 yr. old and HIS girlfrield and her daughter.  We spent a total of 23 years together - a fact that still makes me shudder today.  We were a couple from the age of 13 until 36 years of age.  Then he told me I was "old, boring and ONLY had a highschool diploma".  I had spent years supporting him and HIS dreams of becoming a psychologist with his own practice.  He reached HIS goal and then wanted me to let him "do his thing" .........saying it would STRENGTHEN our marriage.  Being the type of woman I was........with NO self-esteem and a fear of being alone..........I accepted the terms.  The pain and humiliation that followed was in large part --- my own fault.  I ALLOWED IT.  But after a trip to Florida (which he took with "her")..........I turned the corner so to speak.  I picked myself up and with a strength I NEVER knew I had.............I stood my ground and told him NO MORE.  He never thought I would "really leave him"..........................but I did!   I was to embarassed to tell my family about all the years of humiliation and pain that had been a big part of my marriage - but when I finally developed a backbone ---it all came out.  After 9 months of therapy - I developed the skills to PUT MYSELF FIRST.  I gathered "evidence" consisting of letters, postcards, photos of HIS affairs and got myself a lawyer.  It was a very painful process but one that needed to be done.  Two years later I was free and had survived my nightmare in tact and with my daughters.  I NEVER looked back once I made that decision and there was nothing HE could do to convince me to "try again". As far as I was concerned I HAD been trying for the past 23 years. His affairs, the fact that he had given me an STD (compliments of his current gf) and taunted me for years with the "You'll NEVER make it without ME" finally struck the right nerve.  I took a big leap of faith and told him to leave.   Fast forward..............he remarried (and is the 4th husband of his present wife).  They are miserable - a fact that  brought a smile to my face for many years.  But I have moved on.  I remarried myself - something I pledged NEVER to do again.  My husband and I just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary and we have a good life.  I went back to school after my divorce and received my nursing degree.  I am recently retired and am now enjoying what I consider to be a very good life filled with children, grandbabies and lots of love with a man who not only "cherishes me", but RESPECTS ME..  As for my ex???..........he is still "trapped" in his own ego and sense of self importance.  He has been in rehab for alcohol and drugs, his present marriage is a total farce, he has destroyed his relationship with his daughters !   

When I was watching Tracy on the show all I could see was the doubt and the fear in her eyes.  She is trying desperately to convice herself that Charles has turned the corner.  Tracy......there can be life after an affair but NOT WITH THIS MAN.  He will do it again..........trust me.  Charles attitude and "wordy" explanations of his feelings stuck a direct nerve with me.  It could have been my ex-husband sitting in that chair. 

I have one piece of advice for you Tracy.........................the best revenge is to LIVE WELL and that won't happen if you stay with this man.  Staying in a marriage "for the children" doesn't work if the RESPECT is gone and ...........he has NO respect for you!!   Your nervous smiles during the show and underlying fear was very obvious to me and that is because I HAVE been in your shoes.  I AM the voice of experience.   Charles is still convinced that he can have it HIS way and he WILL settle back into HIS previous pattern ............trust me.   He may not reconnect with his latest mistress --- he will move on to yet another and you will be right back on the rollercoaster. 

You need to make the decision that YOU deserve better............that your son's deserve better.....and then start from that point.  Show your son's that they have a strong mother who has every right to be loved and respected!!  Don't be afraid Tracy, you have many, many, many women who have walked in your shoes.  It is time to UPDATE the wardrobe and get yourself SOME NEW SHOES!  You WILL be happy someday..............but only YOU can make that decision.   YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS!!! 

And as for YOU Charles................you may be able to fool Tracy............but remember.........PAYBACK is a bitch.   And the best payback would be for Tracy to stand on HER OWN TWO FEET and MOVE ON...........WITHOUT YOU.  He will always be your children's father.............but he doesn't have to be the husband for YOU to have a fulfilling life.  Good luck...... 

If a man does NOT want the responsibility of a child -- physically, emotionally or in ANY WAY - then HE should make sure that there is absolutely NO WAY he will impregnant his partner.......PLAIN & SIMPLE.  If you "play you are responsible to pay"..........no further discussion.  The only way to make sure that this doesn't happen is to NOT  have sex with a partner unless you are open to the POSSIBILITY that the birth control method you have chosen to use - MAY not work.   If you take that risk - then you are as responsible as the mother.   It takes TWO to make a baby and it takes TWO to make sure that the child has the financial and emotional support it needs to grow into a responsible adult.  I am sick of men that try and avoid child support etc. because "I NEVER wanted a child and she refuses to get an abortion!"  If you DON'T want children -- then keep your male member in YOUR PANTS!! 

I became  a "stepmom" to an 11 year old boy and his 5 year old sister 20 years ago.  It is 20+years later and I have absolutely NOTHING positive to say about either of them.  From day #1 their mother was determined to make sure she drove a wedge between them and their father - as well as with me.  She used Family Court and her family's money to keep us in a nightmare for many, many years.  I had 2 daughters from my previous marriage and they were only a few years older then my step-son and step-daughter.  It got sooooooooooo bad on the step-kids visitation weekends that I would pack my bag and my kids overnight bags and head to my mother's -- just to get away from them.  They lied, they stole, they wore me down after years and years of on-going turmoil...................which their mother instigated and kept going.  When HER second marriage fell apart -- she "stepped things up" because our marriage was strong and fulfilling.  Her weapon of choice again -- her children. I was able to overlook the negative things they "brought to the table" for years because of their ages......but when they reached their teens and older I couldn't ignore it anymore.  They were rude, selfish, manipulative and hurt both their dad and I very much.  I finally backed off completely - thinking that if my husband (their dad) could deal with them alone, that they could somehow find themselves back to each other.  That never happened.  His children are STILL attached to their mother at the hip.  His son is 30 now, a gay adult that refuses to come out of the closet (because his mother cannot handle the "Shame") and his sister is 25, still in college and living with "mommy".   She has never worked and is the "spoiled princess" her mother raised her to be.   My husband has tried

for years, begged the courts for intervention requesting therapy and for hisex-wifeto be banned from her constant interference.  Nothing has worked.  She gets a "wrist slap" from the courts and my husband lost his relationship with his children.  I have NOTHING good to say about them and frankly am happy they are out my life.  My husband has a strong bond with my daughers (who are now grown also).  We have 2 beautiful grandbabies and in spite of his ex-wife and his biological children -- we have managed to move on and not get stuck with all the drama.  I must be honest when I say that I think most step-parents get the raw end of the deal and I would never encourage anyone to marry someone with children from a previous relationship ---------- the price is extremely high. 

My husband did this to me when I was 34............. brought a teenage (14yrs.old) PATIENT to live in our home the summer of 83'.  She was being placed in a child care institution in the Fall and he and her therapist worked this little plan out!  He KNEW this was wrong but he was always very good at justifying his actions.  It was probably the worse summer of my life and dealing with this "adoring teenage girl", who pranced around in babydoll pj's and cutoff jeans that left nothing to the imagination!  My own daughters where 4 and 6 years old and fortunately not old enough to realize what exactly was going on.  But they did "sense" that something was not right with mom during that horrible summer.  When this young girl FINALLY went into her new living situation it took less then 2 weeks for her to cut her wrists.  Of course my husband was certain that she was depressed and upset with her new situation............meaning she was not seeing my husband on a daily basis. 

For me............that was the beginning of the end.....  We had been married almost 13 years at that point and this was the 3rd time that he had become involved with another woman.  He always swore that there was no sex between them but they didn't have to actually have the physical act as far as I was concerned.  He flaunted (but was very cunning the way he did it) this child's adoration of him and it was humiliating and very, very upsetting to me.

It took another "affair" with yet another woman 2 years later that was the straw that broke the camels back.  She was another woman who he became involved with as a result of his "work".  He is a psychologist!  Again.....it was a woman that was quite a bit younger then he was.  I was done!!!

I was raised Catholic and when I got married I felt it was for the rest of my life.  We dated for 8 years before we married.  I put HIM thru school and helped get his private practice started.  At 34 he told me I was old and boring and I couldn't take anymore. 

It was difficult and scary and the unknown was terrifying to me but I moved on.  Got my nursing degree, and remarried when I was 40.  I learned that the best revenge is to live well and that is what we are doing.  But women need to know that this happens all the time. Sad but true.  And it works both ways --- with husbands AND wives!    And if there is one thing I have learned..............if they do it once...........they will do it again.  That is my opinion and from women I have talked to over the years......this is more common then not!!!