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Messages By: kade0710
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February 28, 2006, 2:28 pm PST
 I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with my partner. But, it seems the more the more he wants it. I feel there is no intimacy whatsoever-he disagrees when I bring that up however he will come in naked from the shower and stand by the side of the bed in the morning just waiting for me to get ready to get up for work so he can make his demand. He also seems as other posters have said to have devolped an interest in anal sex out of nowhere. He makes everything my fault even when it is that time of the month it is like I made it start to spite him. Recently I found out on our like split he was intimate with a family acquaintance. I know we were apart so it wasn't cheating, but i don't seem to be able to put it out of my mind. And, if I cry during sex (because i wonder if he did this or that with her) he says "how long are you going to punish me" I just feel like his is more interested in the act and his satisfaction then me. But, when I don't enjoy it - it makes him more angry. any advise for me??? |
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March 2, 2006, 10:05 am PST
I have been with a man for 11 years. I know he is a control freak and only cares about himself TRULY. I have left the relationship several times, but have not been strong enough or smart enough to stay away. He controls all the household money, even requesting change and receipts from groceries. He makes me feel like I am absolutely nothing. And over the course of those 11 years he has made people believe "i am just crazy"...I freak out and move out or whatever. Noone knows the real him. And, since they just see the effect of me leaving they think it is me. I am always on the defensive. I am always on eggshells. And, even though I try to make sure I do all I can so I don't set him off. He will find something unexspected. I don't even begin to know who I am anymore or what I want from life. It seems so unobtainable. Please give me some advise. I have noone to talk to. I am hoping by talking to you all. I can figure my life out. |
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March 6, 2006, 9:20 am PST
Quote From: skinms2005 i have some questions for you... do you have any friends or relatives? do you have your own car? do you have a job? your own money? Get out while you still have a chance at life! you are not crazy!! people think you're crazy because you move out and come right back. he thinks so too. he knows exactly what hes doing. over the course of these 11 years he has broken you down, manipulated you into being what HE wants and not caring about your feelings. your spirit is broken. you are not you anymore. i dont know your whole situation...like whether hes physically abusive or not but what hes doing is a form of abuse. ive been where you are many times. i hate to admit that stupidity has consumed me more than once but it has. with more than one person. theres a reason you have put up with this. if you dont fix it within yourself youll only move on to another abuser. you have to realize that you are worth the life god gave to YOU. You have the POWER to change it. you say you dont know what you want from life but i think you do. you're just afraid to go after it. dont be. you are afraid of the unknown. just like i was. break out of the box!! leave him for good. then you will truely find yourself..then you will breathe again. and youll wonder... What took me so long!!! i hope ive helped at least a little. would love to hear more from you! good luck and god bless on your journey of you!! My problem is I have no friends or relatives. I was raised by my grandmother who was my father's mom. my parents both started new families when I was young and neither claim my existence both of my grandparents have passed. not that-that made a difference he had forbidden my contact with my grandmother for the past 7 years. she disowned my after returning to him 7 years ago also. i didn't even know she had passes until almost a year later when a christmas card i sent was returned ..with deceased on it. I do have 3 children from a previous marriage. their father terminated his parental rights and moved on to a new relationship when they were very young. so they also see this man as their father. even though they see the negative effects it has on me they also believe i always leave with the best of intentions and always return. at this time however they are now reaching ages where (21, 19, and 17) where raising them all on my income won't be as difficult. Since one is on his own, and one will be graduating this spring. I am employed but at this time. But, I work in the same building he does. I also have lost a good paying self-supporting job due to my relationship issues being brought into work. His threating calls when I move out, my returning, etc. I obtained a job in our building because he referred me to an employer in the building when I was let go from that job. And, it is not paying nearly what I need to make. In addition, my credit is awful because of trying to make things meet when I have left. In addition, when I am there his bills come first. Mine are not important. I do not have my own money. Because my paychecks are deposited into his account- "because I can't handle money" and he needs my income to make ends meet. As long as I have a place to leave, food to eat, and utilities -I don't need money. I am very scared because in the past. I always knew his actions were wrong. I just was'nt strong enough to stay away. But, this last time I left he had my oldest son believing I only left because the two younger ones didn't want to follow his rules. (which are completing unrealistic-mind you) my oldest son didn't talk to me for nearly 2 months. He also told several people in our building things about me our past etc. including my employer- who I think believes now I am unstable. (He has worked in this building for 14 years I have a little over a year-they all think he is this wonderful, funny, helpful person and I am some nut case who takes advantage of his niceness). I used to be able to hold my head up at my work, and know it was really ALL me. But, now I find myself dropping my head when I meet people, which I know makes them believe he is right. I do have transportation, but he is trying to sell it. And has the only set of keys hidden either at his place of employment or somewhere. So I can't leave. I don't want to discuss this stuff with my children .. because I think they think I am the stupidest person on the planet for living this way. But, they don't want to leave anymore because I come back anyway. So if you have the time to talk to me occassionally and give me someone to talk to and some much needed advise. I would appreciate it more than I can express. It really helps that you have been through it and understand what is happening. There has been a couple impulse choke holds or pressure point holds. A few threats of violence threating to blow your head all over the kitchen, or punch in the face, etc. But primarily is EMOTIONAL. Which is why noone believes it's him and not me. Thanks again for listening. |
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March 7, 2006, 1:42 pm PST
I have been searching the internet trying to find a chat room or support group to talk to. Unfortunately, every site I have found..says send money. I am just looking for someone to talk to in my situation. I did have a response from someone on this message board which I am greatly thankful for. But, I was hoping to find someone who I can discuss things with. Does anyone know of any forums, chat rooms, etc??? |
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March 9, 2006, 8:41 am PST
Quote From: skinms2005 I have plenty of time to talk to you anytime you need. I don't know that anything I say will be very helpful to you. But i'd love to try to help. I have been stuck so to speak in the same type of relationship most of my life. Moving from one abusive partner to another. That sounds sick I know. I felt so victimized all these years. But I really realize now that it had become a comfort zone. The normal life, whatever that was scared me. Most of the people I dated were physically abusive as well. Im honestly shocked that you say he's only threatened to hit you. Usually abuse begins in small steps or stages and escalates into the physical. Btter believe if you push your luck with him he will do just what he has threatened. Thats why i think you should leave. Emotional abuse is just as bad as the physical to me. There have been times when I wished my ex would've punched me in the face rather than say some of the things he said to me. But there is nothing...nothing worse than when they make you feel crazy. Especially when they are the true crazies! The worst part for me now is the physical pain I feel all day everyday. I have been beaten on since the age of 13. My body hurts all over. My neck and back are the worst. My ex tried to break my neck and actually caused the vertebrae in my neck to slip out of place. You know the really sad thing about my story is that I was never the one to walk out on these men. I put up with all that abuse and all of them eventually left me. Either I was too crazy or I was too insecure for them. Funny, they contributed to that...seemingly on purpose...then they were through. I just want you to realize that no matter what decisions you make..this is your life. You are entitled to be happy. You are entitled to money..especially if you earn it!! You are entitled to have nice things and go nice places. Most importantly...you are entitled to love. Get to know you...love you. Cause sometimes you is all ya have. Just take baby steps. No one can disrespect you if you don't allow it. Loved hearing from you. Hope to again real soon!! I said there was no physical abuse because there have been no black eyes or bloody lips. But, there have been times he has choked me, or threw me on the bed and put his knees in my chest. He has shoved me or pushed me just not slapped or punched me.
I think the worst thing is you already doubt yourself, and then after you keep returning people who aren't or haven't experienced it think. If he was really that emotionally abusive she wouldn't go back. So, you have no support in leaving. And helping you stay out long enough to go through the hard struggle to free yourself.
You aren't a bad person for never leaving them. If we didn't love them or have this desire for them to love us we wouldn't be there, in addition I think they have a sick sense that we feel the love we do for them so they keep us where they want us.
I am afraid what will happen if I try to leave, and I am afraid what will happen if I don't.
Hope to hear from you again |
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March 9, 2006, 2:06 pm PST
Quote From: skinms2005 hi! glad to see you again. I guess out of all of this i just want to be an example to you. I want you to know that you can walk away from any situation and be ok. The sun will still shine tomorrow!! I have been through alot in life. Just as you are going through alot. I just don't want you to lose hope. It's never too late to start over. I don't know how you feel about god...but it took me a longtime to believe that he is there. That he does love us. He will never put more on you than you can handle...i don' t mean handling the situation you're in either. You are not meant to be mistreated. When you decide to leave, lean on the lord..I promise you will do just fine. What you've been through and are going through is a testamony to that. It shows me you're a strong person. You cannot fix him. And if he isn't willing to change, you are throwing yourself and your life away. If you leave and he sees that he really does love you, he'll make the effort to becoming a better person. But he'll never do that if you don't take a stand for you. Trust me, you'll live through it. I have and I'm happier now than I've ever been.
Hope to see you again soon. I am so anxious to get to the point where you are now. Unfortunately, I am not there quite yet. Maybe, with out continued communication..I can finally get there. I think one of the hardest things about leaving is...you finally get where you say enough is enough. If he loved me he wouldn't...he couldn't...etc. I've told myself hundreds of times. If he believes even 10% of the things he says about me to myself ( and others when apart) why would he want me there. One of the most bizzare things I find is..when you are gone. Suddenly, they have this realization of how much they love you, how you are their only real friend, how you are all he has. He knows he was wrong about this and that. He won't do this and that. You want to believe so badly he has finally seen it. He finally wants to fix it. Or maybe, I should say work on it. Because of course I have faults of my own. But, you walk in that house, and whether is hours, days, weeks, or if you are lucky a month or two...it always returns. This time much worse than before.
I do believe in GOD. I have prayed many times for answers, for help, for a way out. I've even questioned whether past mistakes in my life are being paid for ...you know is this my punishment for not being what GOD wanted me to be. I don't understand how even if I am making mistakes and bad choices at times. Why it seems all the bad things continue to pile on me. While he is cruel to me constantly, manipulative to my children, and has nothing positive to say about ANYONE his family, his job, friends of his, or strangers on the street or television. Yet he seems to constantly get what he wants...when he wants it. And, I am as guilty as all of giving in. Trying to avoid the conflict.
I question myself constantly...he was such a nice man and funny person when I met him. Is it me??? Is it something I did???? Is it something I bring out in him???
He takes responsibility for only the good things in life. All bad things are my fault. I should've done it different...stopped it from happening. He constantly wants me to control things beyond my control or within my control. But, doesn't give me the control or ability to do what I need to ...then holds me responsible when it's wrong, bad, or not the way he wants it.
I feel like a real baby right now. But, I just have all these many questions in my head. Things I have went to professionals to answers for (when I was out...to help me from going back). And, one fell asleep- nothing makes you feel more unimportant then that.
That's why I really value your communication. I just need to know someone knows what I am feeling, and understands my confusion.
I am very inspired by your success and the happiness you have found. I just need your help in getting there. You know there are those nights when you are alone, and noone knows...noone understands...your kids see you cry so immediately they become angry with you..because crying means you are going back. And, even though you reassure them. In your heart you know. I have no one to talk to ... no where to put these feelings...I am ALONE. They are right I am afraid of being alone. I will probably go back. I am sure you have had those moments.
I am at a point..where I don't want a relationship. I want to find myself. I am tired of being miserable constantly. I would say from the minute I wake up, but I wake up several times during the night with thoughts or anxiety attacks. My body aches from top to bottom, and I don't know why.
I am very sorry you have went through all of the bad times you have. You are right noone deserves it. But, the fact that you were willing to reach out to me. Speaks louder than you can imagine. You are willing to help a total stranger for no other reason then you knew I needed your help. You are a compassionate, caring person who deserves many good things. As Dr. Phil's friend Oprah has said many times on her show - when you give to others you shall receive back two-fold. The caring you have show me I can only pray with be returned to you by myself and others in your life.
I appreciate your time. |
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March 27, 2006, 12:56 pm PST
Quote From: skinms2005 When I saw the first letter you had posted on here it was almost like reading something I would write myself. My heart really goes out to you. I see some very similar things between you and I. I am thankful ...in many ways you have helped me too. I am a stubborn mule..I've never listened to anyones advice..Never was any good at taking my own either!! LOL!! And at first I was fearful of responding to you for that simple reason. But then I figured that even if you were as stubborn as I at least I could try. I just wanted you to know that there are still people that care. Sometimes it might seem they are few and far between, but there are. Sometimes I think it's just better to give in to life rather than fight it. There's a whole world out there that we have missed! When you wake in the morning, walk outside, look around you at all the beautiful things god has created, take in a deep breath..smile and know you are a part of that. Sometimes just stepping out of the normalcy of the everyday routine, helps us to see things in a whole new light. I really do enjoy talking with you and hope things are coming around for you. See you soon! Haven't been on here for couple of weeks. Really in a downward spirial. I know I have to take responsibility for my own life, and correct mistakes from the past. But, right now that just doesn't seem possible. Everytime I turn around something bad seems to be added to the pile. And, it seems the more depressed I get the more he piles more added stress on. Of course, he always tries to make it sound like he cares-but I am certain he doesn't. It really feels like I have no possible way of acheiving happiness. When you have no way of escaping. I feel myself ending the end of my rope. I find myself looking for ways to end everything. |
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April 11, 2006, 1:51 pm PDT
Quote From: skinms2005 How are you? Sorry I've not written in a while. I had to go out of town unexpectedly. But I've kept you in my thoughts and prayers all along. I know you don't feel like there is any way out of your problems...but there is always a way out. I won't say it's not painful because it is. When something ends, whether it be a relationship or the loss of your home ect...it can feel like a death. You will/can mourn things like a death. You must realize that's how you are feeling to some degree right? You know this has to end at some point. And it's possible you are already grieving the loss. And who wants to welcome the pain of a death? NO one. You choosing to stay in a place with no love is the death of you...more and more everyday. If you are talking about suicidal thoughts..well I'm not sure what to say to that. I've been down that road a few times myself. I ended up with 26 stitches in my arm. But I was very young. That's not the answer! God put us here for a reason. Don't allow yourself to entertain those thoughts. Don't entertain any negative thoughts. That's what causing you to stay down. If you think everyday is going to be bad...it will be. You are training yourself to look for the bad..in this world, you'll find it. You can continue to listen to his deciet or you can realize that maybe you deserve your own life. But it's up to you to make you better. Just like it's up to him to change. He's not going to! The way he has you is the way he wants you. Beaten down and afraid of yourself and your life. I wish I could say something that would really empower you and make you realize you are somebody...you are not alone. But I can't change you either. As for the past...maybe it should just be that...the past. Look forward, start your days with a new outlook and frame of mind. Tell yourself your going to be the person god wants you to be despite how other people act. What sets you apart from everyone else?? Be someone you would want to live with. A good person. You will reap the reward in the end. Hope you have a good day and I hope to see you soon. I know that everything you said above is correct. But, how do you begin. The 10 years of leaving and returning have devastated my credit...my finances. I have no money of my own. As we speak today a judgement was placed against me for money owed for a rental car I used to get back and forth to work the last time I left. I do not have the ability to leave because I have no where to go. He has my three children ages 21, 19, and 16 believing that everything that makes our household miserable is because of my leaving. And, then returning due to wanting to believe him or financially not being able to support myself and my kids. And, what has added to my feeling of worthlessness today is that people you want to pay and can't think you are a LOSER that you don't want to pay your debts. But, when you have no money to do it because he controls all of it, and doesn't care what happens to you or your credit because he has made sure his stayed perfect. It is not a matter of not wanting to. And, when I've gotten out. I have been trying just to survive and eat. And, haven't gotten ahead then either. I know the only way to get this all resolved is to leave and pay those I owe something even if it's $5 a month they will know I am trying. But, I can't leave. I don't have anywhere to go??? I can't save money to leave because I don't have any. People look down at you. They think you made it up, and poor him for putting up with this crazy woman who moves in and out. Before, I could leave at least when it got this bad. But, I've burned all those bridges. As far as being suicidal. I tried that back in 2000 because I truly believed if I was out of the picture everyonelse would be happy I am the cause of all their pain. But, I wasn't even successful at that. I know you are right- God does have a purpose for all of us. But, I am really struggling right now to find that purpose. I truly feel as I have noone. I went and saw a counselor and she commended me for being a survivor. But, really what am I surviving. And, what am I surviving for? There is absolutely no happiness anymore in my life. I love my children more than life itself. And, I know somewhere through all their frustrations with me they do love me. But, there is so much friction in the household, and his constant telling them all my faults and wrongdoings throughout each day..they are begining it is all my fault I believe also. I don't have the courage to take my own life. So, I will just gradually fade away into nothingness. But, I do appreciate all the help you've tried to give me. It helps to know others have survived and moved on. And, I would give anything to be able to do that. But, my options right now are ZERO! Good luck and keep moving forward with your life. I am proud of you. That you have seen the other side of this. |
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April 20, 2006, 1:13 pm PDT
Quote From: lisamari65 OOOOOOh I have so been where you are and to some extent I still am. My financial portfolio is in the dump now that I am remarried to a wonderful man I cannot contribute as nobody will touch me with my bad credit with a ten foot pole. I feel so unworthy at the fact that I cannot contribute. The depression I am dealing with is so overwhelming lately I can only cry because I have nobody here with the exception of my husband but I don't want to burden him with my problems and inadequacies (sp?). Three years ago I was a single mother of 4 and no help from my ex with these kids...as his drug habit and crazy lifetsyle is more important than anything else. I met my husband to whom I am married to now and we were married in Feb of 2004. Shortly afterwards, three days, we packed up and moved from California where I lived and grew up to the Coast in Oregon. I love it here as it is beautiful but my family and friends are all still in So. CA and I feel lost, stuck, and so alone here that at times I want to just scream and run...but then there is no where to run so I end up coming back home. I have and continue to attend church but it isn't the same...as we are in a SMALL rural community and if you didn't grow up here you are not readily accepted and I feel so on the outside. Some days are better than others and I can make it through with minimal tears and feelings of fear and anxiety but almost everyday at one point or another I am in full blown panic mode and have to remember that things will be alright. I trust that God has me here for a purpose but I so want to belong...am so tired of feeling all alone! I don't know how to explain this feeling I have, but I believe in some strange way GOD brought us together. Two women sharing similar circumstances. Yet no one to confide in or talk to. I am not saying you cannot talk to your husband. I was referring more to myself there. But, what I mean is..we both feel alone and isolated. Ashamed of allowing ourselves to be in our current situation financially. Because we didn't use our best judgment. We used our emotional judgment. Or at other times due to desperation we made choices we knew weren't in our best interest. To get by or survive.
I am sure what drove me to join this site, and what caused you to respond was something outside of our control.
It means alot to have someone who doesn't judge. Someone who listens and gives honest feedback.
I can understand how you are feeling about not being able to financially contribute. Of course, in my current situation I am reminded daily..who pays the bills, etc. But, I also know that in a good relationship even though you may not feel like you are contributing - YOU ARE. Your husband chose you because of the person you are. Not because he wanted what you had in your bank account-RIGHT. You contribute to his well-being, you nurture him, and help him with his daily needs and desires. THAT IS CONTRIBUTING.
So many times I have seen couples who you can tell have nothing financially, but they are truly happy with each other. I often wish I was in their place instead of my own. Where love & friendship are just as if not more important then monetary things. I believe our lack of self-worth at times leads us to believe the things we can do are even more important then they are in reality.
We will get each other through this...and if we are truly blessed. We will turn into good friends at the end of all this.
Waiting to hear from you. |
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