Messages By: killerb255

It is true that many things you do in your life affect others.  Does everything?  No.   

Doing drugs alone affects the people that care about the addict: that is, they're afraid of the consequences of the self-destructive path that person's chosen.   

Some can argue that it's none of their business, self-destructive or not. 

However, let's take this one step further: the drugs affecting their behavior.  If the drugs influence the person to get hostile and violent, whether verbally or physically, then it IS everyone's business!   

Dr. Phil went for a happy medium that could possibly work for both parties. 

And Dr. Phil did his thing.  However, Dr. Phil is well-aware of his own saying: "you can't change what you don't acknowledge."  She wasn't willing to acknowledge what she was doing as a problem.  Dr. Phil doesn't "do his thing" just to attack people and exact revenge on people.  He "does his thing" to give them a wake-up call.  Maybe Dr. Phil realized that he just couldn't wake someone like that up, and he had to shift his focus on getting the daughter to cope with the situation? 

Sometimes the bigger victims are the people being hurt by the one with the self-destructive behavior, and they should be a bigger counseling focus.   

This was a RED FLAG right here: 

"He tells me that he does not have a problem, but it is me with the problem.. " 

This is the NUMBER ONE statement from ANY ADDICT!  Drugs, alcohol, gambling, you name it!  You hear that, you have an addict!  No exceptions, no excuses, no mercy! 

What your husband did is something called "projection".  Google it (along with the word "psychology").  Basically it means that someone has a problem, can't bear to own up to it, so they "project" it on someone else.   

Unfortunately, the booze is tied with his family as being the most important thing in his life right now (and something as self-destructive as alcoholism shouldn't even be CLOSE to being that important).  Even more unfortunate is that the only way people like that have a chance in the world of changing is to hit rock bottom? 

The reason why he won't change is because he knows he can have the booze and he can have his family at the same time.  Why?  Because you're enabling him to think that way.  The more mercy you have on him, the more you enable him.   

You need to put your foot down and say "it's either us or the alcohol!"  If he chooses the alcohol, then (as painful as it is) be ready to accept that choice and work towards the next step of dealing with divorce/separation. 

If he begs to come back, accept him back under one and ONLY ONE condition: he goes to rehab.  If he drops out of rehab, then you kick him out or leave him again.  No excuses! 

Are you lumping all men into the same category?  If so, that's the wrong way to handle this, and you've basically become a sexist.  (Sexism doesn't just refer to men stereotyping women, ya know...)  I'm a guy, and I'm actually offended by that statement.   

I understand that your husband was a jerk, but don't use him as the absolute benchmark for all men out there.  Not all of us judge women solely by looks.   

...then again, from what I've seen, the few men, such as myself, that aren't so shallow are often depicted as "dorky," "unattractive," or "weak-spirited," as opposed to "agressive," "popular," orotherwise "attractive." 

On one hand, I want to thank you.  It's nice to know that at least one person here doesn't have the complete, unshakeable perception that all men are jerks. 

On the other hand, because of what you just bolded, I'm going to fault you for one thing, but it's something we're all guilty of every now and then: prejudice. 

Classifying men in one category, or women in one category...there's really no difference between that and racism, anti-sematicism, agism, or any other form of prejudice. 

Saying that men earned the dog name is no different than my own experiences of being in ghettos that are primarily African-American (and I'm half African-American myself), and those visiting me saying that "black people earned the 'hoodlum' name."  If you want to go back further in history, you can go back to Nazi Germany and say that "Germans earned the 'Nazi' name" (and I work with a German woman who told me of that kind of prejudice in surrounding countries).  All of those statements: 

"Men earned the dog name" 

"Blacks earned the hoodlum name" 

"Germans earned the Nazi name" 

...are false. 

On the other hand, we do this kind of thing to make larger groups of people easier to understand, for better or worse.  The human population is so huge that are brains are just not big enough to see the individuality in every single person.  Heck, it's hard for us to fathom the number of people in our individual states...perhaps our cities! 

From my own experiences, the men who were unpopular and depicted as unattractive and 'dorky' never really developed their social skills and never knew what it was like to be accepted.  Once they're finally accepted by others, they felt like they were kidnapped by aliens and flown to another planet!  Social acceptance was just so new to them that don't know how to use that acceptance responsibly.   

A lot of this is because, the less social skills you have, the more you resort to thinking only in "black" and "white."  In other words, these people, after being accepted, thought they became popular and, ultimately, became what they've been fighting against all their lives (hence the ego boost you were talking about).  So they were given a loaded gun without knowing how to use it! 

I was in that boat at one time.  I'm just glad I jumped out of it, swam to shore, reevaluated my life, and saw that there was a such thing as a happy medium.  Just because I was treated unfairly early in life does not give me the right to treat others that way.  If I do, I'm shortchanging myself, provoking others to treat me the way I'm avoiding being treated! 

A friend of mine wasn't so lucky.  He's 30, still lives with his parents, has no intentions on moving out or getting a job relevant to his potential.  His room is like a child's room, a church or sanctuary dedicated to him alone.  He gained a huge ego boost from people accepting him without him having a clue how to responsibly handle it, which eventually revealed a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   

It is hard to trust other people without having the coping skills to deal with certain forms of negativity.  When dealing with people like that, remind them that in order for others to accept them, they need to take the initiative and show acceptance in return.  Otherwise, they are shortchanging themselves and making themselves the "bullies" that they had to deal with in their pasts.  If they're still belittling and demeaning to you, then you may just have to cut communication from them, but don't let it affect you personally.  You're not responsible for another person's coping skills, unless you directly belittle them and get into petty fights with them.   

Unfortunately, the majority of businesses do whatever it takes to sell their product.   

Sex sells.  This has been true since the beginning of time.   

Movies, commercials, music, video games, sitcoms, you name it.  They all have avenues with some form of sex appeal in them.   

To businesses, it's like "What better way of selling our product than to use something that has come natural to human beings since day 1?" 

When it comes to sex, most men warm up like microwaves and most women warm up like crock pots.  There's nothing horribly wrong with either method: it's just human nature.  I'll be the first to admit, as a man, I do warm up like a microwave!  However, just because I warm up that fast, it doesn't mean that this is the only way I perceive women.   

Anyway, businesses should perhaps be careful not to send the wrong message when using sex appeal for advertisement. 

I've seen it both ways, but I will admit that your observation seems to be more the norm. 

My cousin and her husband are an example of the woman that let herself go to somewhat of an extreme and a man that has a below-average build.  However, I've never heard of any real complaints from either end of that couple (although I've heard them fight over damn near everything else!) 

Once again, I see someone clumping all men into the same category (although I do understand the reasons behind it--see my previous posts).   

There are women out there that do the same thing to an extent.  Some women do want their Brad Pitt and 1990's Tom Cruise over looking at deeper levels in men.