Messages By: jm2005

Hi everyone, 

I am new to this but I needed to share my feelings and ask for help.  My story is a long and very sad one so I will try to be as concise as possible.  I am 28 and my husband is 31.  We were just married in may 2005 and had our first son in october of 2005. (no we did not get married because I was pregnant)  My husband and I have known eachother for over 15 years (he went to high school with my brother) and had been dating for 4 years before getting married. I thought that I knew him but I guess that I was very wrong. I found out that my husband had been having an affair with someone from his work when my son was only 2 weeks old.  I found out that the affair started in July (I was 6 months pregnant and we had only been married less than 2 months) We had been fighting a lot, he was going out all the time with friends late, his phone suddenly had a code to access messages and recent calls,and he started spending a lot of time on the phone.  Also, Emotionally and physically my husband was not there for me during my pregnancy. We had stopped having sex and he told me that it was because I was pregnant and he could not do it.  I thought it was odd but I guess I believed him.  Whenever I expressed a concern, he claimed that it was just me and my "pregnancy hormones" So we fought and I was left alone.  In the end I found out that the fighting, temper, erratic behavior, and all the rest started around the same time that the affair started.  The affair was with a lady in his office who was also I also married with kids as well.  I couldn't believe it and I was truly destroyed by what had happened.  I mean, how could he-we had just had our son.  I had suspicions but I guess we never want to think the worst when it involves the ones that we love.  I guess I kept attribiting to waht I beleived to be the normal insecurities you feel while pregnant.  But eventually, I broke the code on his phone and discovered text messages that they had written back and forth while he was lying in bed with me since he was sick.  The text messages spoke about hugging kissing but the last one was the worst "I am lying in bed saving my energy for the next time that I can have you" When I confronted him, he denied it. he claimed that it was text messaging gone to far and that he knew that it was wrong.  I broke down and eventually kicked him out of the house.  He later admitted to having kissed her but cliamed that was the extent of it. To this day, he claims he did not sleep with her but I know that in my heart I do not believe him.  Anyway, after many fights and conversations with my stepmom as the buffer between us we decided to go to counseling.  Due to the advice of the counselor, I let my husband move back in and we would try to work on things.  I know that the only reason that I am doing this is due to our son.  IT is so hard because eveyr day I think about what he did.  We still have not had sex and it has been over 4 months since our son was born.  He claims to be emotionally blocked and not ready for us to do anything.  I know that I cannot go on without first forgiving him.  At this point I do not trust him.  I find myself checking his phone, his pockets, his computer to see if they have been using IM.  I just do not know how to deal with this and I just keep praying to god for strength.  I do not know why I did this but I thought someone out there might be able to say something. 

Thank you 

Hi everyone,  

I am new to this but I needed to share my feelings and ask for help.  My story is a long and very sad one so I will try to be as concise as possible.  I am 28 and my husband is 31.  We were just married in may 2005 and had our first son in october of 2005. (no we did not get married because I was pregnant)  My husband and I have known eachother for over 15 years (he went to high school with my brother) and had been dating for 4 years before getting married. I thought that I knew him but I guess that I was very wrong. I found out that my husband had been having an affair with someone from his work when my son was only 2 weeks old.  I found out that the affair started in July (I was 6 months pregnant and we had only been married less than 2 months) We had been fighting a lot, he was going out all the time with friends late, his phone suddenly had a code to access messages and recent calls,and he started spending a lot of time on the phone.  Also, Emotionally and physically my husband was not there for me during my pregnancy. We had stopped having sex and he told me that it was because I was pregnant and he could not do it.  I thought it was odd but I guess I believed him.  Whenever I expressed a concern, he claimed that it was just me and my "pregnancy hormones" So we fought and I was left alone.  In the end I found out that the fighting, temper, erratic behavior, and all the rest started around the same time that the affair started.  The affair was with a lady in his office who was also I also married with kids as well.  I couldn't believe it and I was truly destroyed by what had happened.  I mean, how could he-we had just had our son.  I had suspicions but I guess we never want to think the worst when it involves the ones that we love.  I guess I kept attribiting to waht I beleived to be the normal insecurities you feel while pregnant.  But eventually, I broke the code on his phone and discovered text messages that they had written back and forth while he was lying in bed with me since he was sick.  The text messages spoke about hugging kissing but the last one was the worst "I am lying in bed saving my energy for the next time that I can have you" When I confronted him, he denied it. he claimed that it was text messaging gone to far and that he knew that it was wrong.  I broke down and eventually kicked him out of the house.  He later admitted to having kissed her but cliamed that was the extent of it. To this day, he claims he did not sleep with her but I know that in my heart I do not believe him.  Anyway, after many fights and conversations with my stepmom as the buffer between us we decided to go to counseling.  Due to the advice of the counselor, I let my husband move back in and we would try to work on things.  I know that the only reason that I am doing this is due to our son.  IT is so hard because eveyr day I think about what he did.  We still have not had sex and it has been over 4 months since our son was born.  He claims to be emotionally blocked and not ready for us to do anything.  I know that I cannot go on without first forgiving him.  At this point I do not trust him.  I find myself checking his phone, his pockets, his computer to see if they have been using IM.  I just do not know how to deal with this and I just keep praying to god for strength.  I do not know why I did this but I thought someone out there might be able to say something.  

Thank you  

HI, 

I read your message and could not help but send a reply.  I know exactly what you are feeling.  I am 28 (soon to be 29) and my husband is refusing to have sex with me as well.  In 2 years we have had sex 3 times, once which resulted in my 4 month old son.  We are newly weds (married May of 2005)  Every time I have approached him he gets angry,brushes me off ortells me that I am stupid for getting so upset over sex "its not everything"  UNfortuantely, I also found out that my husband was having an affair which lasted for about 5 months which started when I was six months pregnant and we had only been married for 2 months.  We, as a couple, have been going to counseling and me on my own.  The one thing that I am learning is that it has nothing to do with us.  It doesn't matter how skinny we get or how pretty we make ourselves.  I am not saying you shouldn't try but rather I hope you are doing it for yourself as well.  I know that my self esteem has taken a blow over all this so it leaves us wondering what can I do.  I know that I do not want to live in a sexless marriage.  It isn't just the lack of the physical act but it embodies so much more.  It is truly a time that we are completely vulnerable.  I guess my advice is to go speak with someone professionally if you can.  I am still dealing with this and what I am having to face is what is it that I really want?  What are the real expectations if I stay in my current situation.  I know that I cannot answer that for you but I just wanted to let you know that there is someone else out there that is in the same situation and that you are not crazy.  What I am discovering is that sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that we cannot change everything for the better.  OUr jobs is to try our best and if there is no change can we live with it. 

Thank you so much for your response.  I sat here and cried when I read what you had to say.  My son is truly my angel and my biggest fear is that somehow this is all going to have an affect on him.  I sit there and think about  how my husbands family upbringing has impacted him and I knowhow devastating a cold marriage can be.  Right now, the question that I need to ask myself is what is it that I want-what would make me happy and can it be accomplished with this man as part of my life.  I have recently thought that I should write him a letter explainign all my feeling but I am not sure it will help.  I I wanted you to know that I am seeking professional help once a week.  I agree, it is absolutely amazing how helpful it has been.  I think that if I wasn't going I would have surely lost it at this point.   

Hi everyone,  

I have posted this before but I had not heard anything so I figured I would put it out there again. . . . .  

I am new to this but I needed to share my feelings and ask for help.  My story is a long and very sad one so I will try to be as concise as possible.  I am 28 and my husband is 31.  We were just married in may 2005 and had our first son in october of 2005. (no we did not get married because I was pregnant)  My husband and I have known eachother for over 15 years (he went to high school with my brother) and had been dating for 4 years before getting married. I thought that I knew him but I guess that I was very wrong. I found out that my husband had been having an affair with someone from his work when my son was only 2 weeks old.  I found out that the affair started in July (I was 6 months pregnant and we had only been married less than 2 months) We had been fighting a lot, he was going out all the time with friends late, his phone suddenly had a code to access messages and recent calls,and he started spending a lot of time on the phone.  Also, Emotionally and physically my husband was not there for me during my pregnancy. We had stopped having sex and he told me that it was because I was pregnant and he could not do it.  I thought it was odd but I guess I believed him.  Whenever I expressed a concern, he claimed that it was just me and my "pregnancy hormones" So we fought and I was left alone.  In the end I found out that the fighting, temper, erratic behavior, and all the rest started around the same time that the affair started.  The affair was with a lady in his office who was also I also married with kids as well.  I couldn't believe it and I was truly destroyed by what had happened.  I mean, how could he-we had just had our son.  I had suspicions but I guess we never want to think the worst when it involves the ones that we love.  I guess I kept attribiting to waht I beleived to be the normal insecurities you feel while pregnant.  But eventually, I broke the code on his phone and discovered text messages that they had written back and forth while he was lying in bed with me since he was sick.  The text messages spoke about hugging kissing but the last one was the worst "I am lying in bed saving my energy for the next time that I can have you" When I confronted him, he denied it. he claimed that it was text messaging gone to far and that he knew that it was wrong.  I broke down and eventually kicked him out of the house.  He later admitted to having kissed her but cliamed that was the extent of it. To this day, he claims he did not sleep with her but I know that in my heart I do not believe him.  Anyway, after many fights and conversations with my stepmom as the buffer between us we decided to go to counseling.  Due to the advice of the counselor, I let my husband move back in and we would try to work on things.  I know that the only reason that I am doing this is due to our son.  IT is so hard because eveyr day I think about what he did.  We still have not had sex and it has been over 4 months since our son was born.  He claims to be emotionally blocked and not ready for us to do anything.  I know that I cannot go on without first forgiving him.  At this point I do not trust him.  I find myself checking his phone, his pockets, his computer to see if they have been using IM.  I just do not know how to deal with this and I just keep praying to god for strength.  I do not know why I did this but I thought someone out there might be able to say something.  

Thank you