Messages By: understand

I've been wondering for some time now if my husband is bipolar.  Our marriage counselor says it sounds like his mother definitely is.  He does many of the crazy, hurtful, and senseless things she does.  I don't know where to draw the line between him being "senisitve",  and not as strong emotionally as I am, and having a lot of "baggage", etc....between that and him truly having a mental problem.  He doesn't physically abuse me or my children (although, one drunken night he threatened to), but he does emotionally.  He will "disown" me for days at a time, over little things that should be able to be worked out in decent conversation.  It is always and emotional roller coaster with him.  When he snaps out of it and is finally willing to "talk", it's like I have to always point out to him that his behavior is hurtful and unhealthy.  He agrees at the time, but will do it again when his emotions are out of control.  I wouldn't put up with this same type of "tantrum" behavior from my  6 & 7 year olds!!!  But, apparently I have to "accept him" as someone who demonstrates that kind of behavior.  His responses always seem to be geared towards how things are my fault.  Just when I think he is growing up, and getting better, he slips back into his old dysfunctional ways!  It's maddening! 

I'm so torn between being "comitted" to my marriage and being committed to the well-being of myself and my children.  I'm afraid he's really sick, won't get help, and will only hurt me and my children!  I just don't know what to do! 

-A scared military spouse in Ohio 

Your message compelled me to leave you a message. 

I know Western well.  Perhaps we have crossed paths at Vic. 

I am 42, female BP, in the Forest city.  

Your profile sounds like you are doing ok.  Every day is a struggle for me.  I progress ahead and then unexpectantly get knocked on my backside.  I too, want to have a better, more quality life.  It is so easy for others to say just set a goal, work towards it, and it will be completed.  

I must take life one day at a time.  After a year I can reflect and see progress.  And I think family needs to understand the difference between being supportive and being controlling.  

Best of luck to you. 

hey there -  

I just want to say that I am really sorry for what you have been through with your father.  My husband was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder.  As with most bipolar cases, he has gone 10+ years of periodic relief with anti-depressants, only to sink lower the next bout of depression.  There is nothing worse in this life than having to watch someone you love suffer these symptoms and know you can't say a thing to make them feel better.  I know I am very lucky because he is a GREAT man and wants so badly to feel "like himself" again.  With his illness, he is only hateful and mean to himself, so I can't relate to what you have gone through.  I have been doing a lot of research on bipolar though and it seems that, as with anything in life, there are those who choose to play the victim and use their illness to manipulate others and excuse bad behavior.    I don't know your father and I am not an expert on bipolar, but it sounds like he has certainly done that to some extent.   

One very important thing about being a family member of someone with bipolar is that we have to take care of ourselves too.  I want to encourage you (if you have not done so already) to seek some professional help and support.    I know there are organizations that offer help for family members.  Maybe check out www.nami.org or www.dbsalliance.org to see what they offer in your area.  www.healthyplace.com also has some great info for family - in the bipolar community, click support.  Bipolar is a horrible and debilitating illness, but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with abuse from your father.  You have the right to set boundries and to have realistic expectations in any relationship!  And if other members of your family choose to stay and put up with his manipulation, then that's their choice.  I wish you the very best!   

• I just wanted to point out that I feel  the show did not show the "highs and lows" with bi polar or the many other symtoms affiliated with the disorder other than rage.   
  

You have got to be kidding me! It is VERY clear that you are one of those people who don't really understand bipolar disorder and its manifestations and consequences. Imagine not being able to trust your own thoughts because you're not sure if you really feel that way or if its the bipolar disorder talking...imagine having so many amazing ideas and goals and not being able to put them into motion because you can't maintain focus on that one thought long enough to make it happen...then imagine feeling so helpless and hopeles that you don't even want to wake up anymore...it's too hard to face another day feeling like this...you don't want to feel this way anymore... 

Trust me sweetheart, family and friends do not suffer more than the person with bipolar disorder...and if people like you could understand it, we wouldn't suffer as much. 

I thought it was interesting that you asked about family support.  I should have asked if you are Bipolar.  Or are you dealing with another's illness?  I have more in common with Bipolars my age, so they are all I really know.  Some enjoy their family's support.  Others are like me, pretty independent and self-supporting. 

Take Care, c_y_wallac