Messages By: understand

Quote From: peaceful64

I have a mother with bipolar disorder only she refuses to admit it.  She has most of the symptoms shown on Dr. Phil's website.  This has been an issue that everyone in my family discusses only not with my mother.  I have made several attempts to address this with her only to end up not speaking.  My father asks me constantly to say something to her. I recently made the choice to walk away be it right or wrong I had to for my own piece of mind and for the sake of my husband and kids.  My mother has created so much anger and frustration throughout my entire life I just couldn't be a part of it anymore.  I'm sure there is someone else out their going through the same situation and I would love to hear from you. 

Searching for a peaceful solution>>>>> 

Quote From: superm0m

Sorry I've been so slow to answer you! I have been looking and looking for a post I found about something called Family to Family, a free class you can go to, I think through NAMI. If I find it I'll post again to you. I was also trying to look up a book I loved, "Bipolar Disorder: Rebuilding Your Life," that includes help for family members.

You ask if there is hope, and there is always hope, but it is a long, hard road. Sadly, you can't force your ex to take his meds. It took my mom over 10 years to realize she couldn't be righteous enough to be cured of this illness, she physically needed to have meds alter the chemicals in her brain so that her body can manage moods infinitely better.

She actually posted, and so I'm going to copy her post below, I thought it was helpful. Here it is, titled "Life is Good"

Life is good

I was diagnosed with bipolar illness 22 years ago, just after my fourth child was born. I am lucky that lithium works for me with no side effects. I also take only 20 mg of Prosac. The lithium left me still struggling to get out of bed each morning. Prosac filled in that gap. My mother was an unmedicated bipolar and I experienced the sad childhood that many of you have talked about.

Then, after 13 years of marriage, my husband was diagnosed bipolar as well. When one of us is down, the other can give support. But if we both are down together, things are not good. So here we are--two peas in a pod!! We also have two children that are bipolar, both unmedicated at this time. They admit the problem, but will not take meds. Our daughter is doing fairly well because of a very patient and loving husband. But our son is an alcoholic and has struggled his entire life.

I also have two sisters and a nephew and niece. It's in the genes! I can't say that life has been easy, in fact, it seems unfair that some things are so hard for our family. Like so many of you, we have had far too many challenges to deal with. But we have learned some good lessons and they have been extremely helpful. We are now a functional family and we feel that we can even say a successful family. Our children are grown now, so we have had many years to hone our skills for dealing with an illness that we call the "dragon."

I would like to share the ten things that have helped us the most.

1) Take your meds. This is an obvious solution. But it was 12 years after diagnosis that I finally realized that no amount of "being righteous" was going to cure me any more than it would cure diabetes or heart disease. Being consistent with meds has certainly made my life easier to handle. My husband still struggles to be consistent, mostly because he forgets. If your meds aren't working, have your doctor try another--there are lots of meds. The same thing with a psychologist, if you don't "click" soon, find another.

2) Get exercise. Lots of it. It really makes a difference. I can actually tell when I have missed a day of walking. I am far more level when I exercise

3) Eat nutritious foods. I have learned that I do not handle sugar well. Chocolate is the worst. My moods can be almost charted to what I have eaten during the day.

4) Read all you possible can about bipolar illness and self-talk and self-control. It really helps to understand your illness. My favorite book is called "An Unquiet Mind" (I forget the author) It is about a clinical psychiatrist who is bipolar. Excellent! Dr. Phil's books are great too.

5) Just like in AA, get support from your "higher power" be he God, Allah, buddha or another. This gives me more strength than can come from just me.

6) Be creative. Use all that extra energy to take up a new talent. For me, it was piano and organ and singing and art. I've even dabbled in writing. We BP's are really talented people. Bipolar folk are incredibly creative and can often handle bigger projects and productions than others. I read that many CEO's of big companies are bipolar, they just keep it hidden during the difficult times.

7) Write down your feelings. I keep a journal and I noticed that I was only writing in it when I was "down". So I have been focusing on also writing when I am "up." I don't want my children and grandchildren reading it later and thinking that I was never happy. Writing is theraputic for me. I have become my own psychologist in a way through reading and rereading my own thoughts.

8) Have a good bipolar friend to confide in. I found mine by chance. It's nice to know that someone truly understands. I do have my husband, but he often forgets that he understands! :) I am very careful who I let in to my thoughts. When I was first diagnosed, I wanted to tell all, because I was so glad to know what was wrong with me. This backfired and caused me and my family incredible pain. Now I choose with care who I will tell. I had an employer that was very understanding after I explained to her why I had a "panic attack" during an important meeting. (She confided in me that she, too, was bipolar.) My present employer does not know. Just be sure that enough people know about your dragon so that they can be there to support you during times of crisis.

9) Be positive. Life is tough, and for us, is can be tougher. We have challenges that others do not. We have a hidden handicap that must be dealt with. I believe that no one knows what difficulty self-motivation can be unless they deal with bipolar illness. This is our life's trial in many different ways, and we can look at it as a challenge that can be managed instead of a tragedy to drag us down. We can be better people because of what we have conquered on a daily basis.

10) Love yourself. We will make mistakes. We cannot, even on medication, stay completely level. Even normal people cannot do that.

Once in a while the dragon is going to drag us into his lair and we have got to get ourselves out, and not berate ourselves for having been there! When the dragon gets ahold of me with his claws, my first thought is always "the only way out is through." I have to take a look at my life and the previous steps I have just given, and find out which one I am not doing. Then I must do that step immediately and persevere until I am free. It works every time. I am a good person, I just have an illness that takes extra effort to manage. I have a favorite quote that I have hanging on my bathroom mirror:

" I will control what attitude I take toward this situation. I have the power to choose my perceptions and reactions And I will exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of my life. " --Dr. Phil

I hope these suggestions will be helpful to someone. They have been like magic for our family. We have learned from our experiences that we can have some control over the dragon himself. Love to you all!

Quote From: gateangel

Living with bipolar disorder has been a living hell. It's not the disease so much that is the problem, but how family and society treat one that has this disorder. Living with this for years, I have been to therapy regulary, taken my meds as perscribed, gone to 12 Step programs as not to be involved in addictions (sober almost 20 years). I have never been in trouble with the law and there is one thing that a therapist advised that has never been forgotten. "You are responsible for your life and what you do." 

  

There is help out there and even if a person can't pay for it...doors get slammed and one keeps on trying. What is sad is that there have been so many changes lately in Medicare/Medicaid programs that people with this disorder are being hospitalized because they can no longer afford their meds. In January I lost my Medicare/Medicaid and I did get another insurance policy to help me. There was only two weeks notice to do this. I felt relieved to have new insurance and that my meds could get paid for. In the process though, I went to where I normally have had therapy for the past six years and was told they do not accept that insurance. Now I have lost my therapist, Shrink, and a DBT program that I was involved in, all within a few moments. I was dismissed like a piece of garbage. No one cared...no one offered to find me any where else to go. Just C-YA! Being devastated I thought I could handle this. All my specialists were also gone with this new  health insurance. I was blessed in getting a decent doctor. The thing is now I may lose my apartment due to me losing all of the above mentioned. It is unbelievable what we have to go through. I have lived alone for years, raised  a son (who is also bi-polar) and did every thing that I was supposed to do and can't win. I live alone and my best friend is my dog. My God who can one trust?  

  

What ticked me off about Dr. Phils show is he always has people on that have all of this family support. Fred for instance is forty and lives with his folks and and has a sister who loves him. My family could care less. My brother thinks I am a failure because I am too physically ill to work and have a mental illness to boot. My Mom is elderly and forgiven for not understanding the disease, but it is so hard to live like this. This dude "Fred" on Dr. Phil's show wants to live on his own? He has no idea how lucky he is to be in a home where he is loved. He needs to take his meds though and go to therapy as he is supposed to. Many families just dump people with bipolar disorder. They don't understand that it is an illness just as any other and is being considered as a seisure disorder. I have been in therapy for 30 years and have lived a spiritual life to get  me through the worst parts. It has been a lonely and heart aching existence, but I survive. Survive...what a word.  

  

I can't sleep tonight because I am wondering will I have to sleep in my car again...because of a government error...not mine. Taking responsibiliy is the most important thing we can do for ourselves with this serious disease, but I have to say it is not easy. I don't think the Dr. Phil show has really even begun to explore this. It's a shame instead they rather deal with the middle class or upper class Drama Queens like he had on todays show. Oh they are in debt....oh they spend too much money...oh she doesn't work....Oh puh-lease....GET A THERAPIST INSTEAD OF SPENDING 600 BUCKS ON YOURSELF AND THEN YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT CUTTING ON YOURSELF! 

  

Let's see, yeah I cut on myself too....when there isn't enough food to eat, or I may lose my meds or I may have to live in the street again. Even though I am an author and artist (starving), I still have my integrity. I don't have to use any man to survive.  

  

The good thing about this disorder is that most of us are very intelligent or creative people. The down side to that is if there is no way of getting help for this disease most of us either commit suicide or end up living in the streets without medication.  We aren't the disease that people care about. We aren't the ones that there are tele-thons about.  Many of us suffer. Some of us get along...in hell...but we suffer. I do hope that Dr. Phil does more shows on this illness. There are so many people in this country with this disorder---It's truly an epidemic. One that is hidden more in closests than any other disease out there. No one cares.  

  

I try to tell myself that just because I have a book published and another coming out this year that I am worth something? Finally, in this bipolar life there has been an accomplishment? No because hell is always waiting, right around the corner. 

  

Gate Angel 

 

 

  

  

Quote From: c_y_wallac

I am sorry to hear about your ex husband.  I have never had to deal with a family member's mental health so I can't say I truly understand what you have/are going through.  However, I certainly have compassion for you and your children.  I am going to toss two ideas around and you decide if either fits.  Perhaps one or the other might give you a new perspective as to why your ex husband, and his family, won't comply with the neccessary therapy he needs. 

Was your ex husband raised by a family that believes mental illness occures in another's family, but never theirs?  Do they act like ostriches - their comfort zone is having their heads in the sand.  What they don't see does not exist.  Or, are they quite religious? 

I have known Bipolars that did not get support from their families.  Their illness's were not accepted  

by their families.  It was as if they were viewed as being defective.  Their parents would have prefered a brain tumour diagnosis over Bipolar Disorder. 

The other idea I came up with was involving religion.  You would be amazed how many people I have known that stop taking their meds because they or their family said God would not approve. They believe that God will save them and make them healthy.  Think of Tom Cruise and his attitude toward psychiatry and Scientology.  If your ex husband was raised in an environment that held any of the views mentioned, he will not be encouraged to seek proper therapy.  When I am not well, I can sink deep into a depression or high into mania.  I know I am not well, but there is something seductive about losing control.  I go to my psych and he can see instantly that I need help.  Your ex husband needs someone in his family to get him to a doctor for help.  Would having a heart to heart with them/him and discussing my idea(s) help? 

With the right meds, a Bipolar can live a good life.  I compare Bipolar to having arthritis or cardiac problems.  I have limitations, and I am not as successful as I could have been.  However, I live independently, and within my means. I consider myself retired, so I pursue hobbies now instead of the corporate ladder.  

A lot of the medications have side affects.  Some are quite tolerable while others are awful.  Sometimes impotence can occure, so men quite the meds right away.  Some meds cause excessive hunger.  It is a struggle not to put on weight.  I have put on 30+ pounds.  I hate buying plus size clothes, and being rejected by men.  But what is the alternative?  Dr Phil never talked about side affects and why people go off of medication.  This could be a show in itself. 

You mentioned the word "force".  In Canada, a person can be admitted to hospital for up to 72 hours if 1) He is a threat to another - such as verbal threats or physically assault  2) he is a threat to himself - such as suicide attempt  3) he is incapable of taking care of himself and the neglect is causing him harm - such as an anorexic person or an elderly person with Alzheimers.  This is where medicine can conflict with the legal system.  The admitting physician must truly believe the individual needs to be in the hospital because it is similar to arresting someone and keeping them in a holding cell for 3 days.   I mentioned in an earlier email that if an individual is 16 or older, no matter how much the family/spouse wants info, they can not receive it unless the patient gives consent.  I have heard that some states will give info to families without patient consent. 

I have written a lot of information.  I hope it helps you.  I check the message board occaisionally.  If you would like to share any more thoughts, I'll get back to you.   c_y_wallac 

  

Quote From: superm0m

Ok, found you lots of help from two different posts, one on page 66 (sorted 10 posts to a page). One post from dhermann said that if you go to the NAMI site, in any state there is a 12 week program f or family members of people with a mental illness called FAMILY to FAMILY. That seems like a huge amount of time, but think about the amazing education you would get, anything to not be in the desperate position you feel now.

In the same post dhermann mentions a PEER to PEER class for those with Bipolar who are willing to go.

The second post I can't find, but I pasted part of it for my records. It gives help for family members:

* One is www.nami.org - national alliance for the mentally ill. They offer free classes in every state for both bipolar patients and their family. they also have support groups you can join both in your area as well as online like this one.

* Another good one is www.dbsalliance.org - depression and bipolar support alliance. Similar groups and support as nami

* The third one I like is www.healthyplace.com. This site contains information for several mental illnesses, and if you follow the bipolar links and click support, there are 15-20 articles compiled discussing how to support a loved one. They are really helpful! like what to say or not to say to someone with bipolar, how to care for you while trying to help your daughter, that anger, denial, confusion, etc are all normal reactions to this terrible disease, etc.

Quote From: dragonfly12

I could be wrong, but I heard that Finland and Sweden have more Bipolars per capita than other countries.  If this is correct, perhaps this is why Geoff's family isn't taking his mental health as seriously as you are.  Bipolar Disorder may be viewed differently in Sweden so they don't react to it the same as we do here. 

You mentioned that his mom is a nurse; my mother is as well.  In fact, she became an RNA through a nursing progam offered at a psychiatric hospital 35 years ago.  Her thoughts on psychiatry are as outdated as her nursing shoes.  She is from the school that believes the mentally ill must be institutionalized indefinately and be force fed meds. Back in the day, these practices were the norm.  But now, no one in Canada can be forced to take any medication for any reason - even in prison.  My mother heard the Margot Kidder - superman's Lois Lane - went off all her meds.  Margot now advocates herbs and feels 100% better.  My mother has suggested I go off mine and give herbs a shot.  I just wish my mother would take the time to Google Bipolar and actually learn something about the Disorder.  I can certainly empathise with you when you are trying to reason with Geoff's mother.    

His family sounds like they are gulty of something, so they are not forcing him to be an adult and be responsible for himself.  Is he a product of a broken home?  Was he mistreated/abused as a child? Did a sibling pass away?  Anything that might have happened that they feel badly about or responsible for Geoff having had to experience? 

Is it that he refuses to start takiing meds or will he stay on them until he feels they are no longer necessary?  Many Bipolars fall into this trap.  If they are like me, they will start to feel unwell within a few days without medication.  Other Bipolars will go off their meds and not become sick again for a few years.  

I know this is so frustrating for you because you know the true potential of this man.  

What does he value the most in this world?  Can he be bartered in order to stay on meds? 

Dr Phil says that every child has a toy/doll dear to them.  It can be used as leverage if they misbehave. 

These are just a few more thoughts I have come up with.  Take care c_y_wallac   

  

Quote From: dragonfly12

I have been focusing on finding out why Geoff rejects his diagnosis and subsequent therapy.  I believe that once you receive an answer from him, not anyone else, the remaining who, what, where, when, and how can be identified.  Until Geoff tells you why, you will forever be frustrated. 

I would also advise not to talk to anyone in his family unless it is an emergency.  They are enabling him and will defend/protect him.   Similar to a wife defending her alcoholic/abusive husband. 

  

His reason(s) for why may not make sense to you but they are very real to him. 

Once you know why he is neglecting his mental health, you can propose ideas that he may consider for not neglecting his illness.  Examples: Having a healthy relationship with his children.  or Leading by example.  

Are the children old enough to understand that their father has an illness?  Perhaps they can ask their father to stick with therapy.  Maybe he and the children can attend family therapy so they can remain close and the children can understand their father and his illness. 

  

 A side note, local chapters of the Canadian Mental Health Association have a program for children up to 14.  It is available for youngsters to meet with other kids and talk with social workers about their parent's illnesses. 

  

Always remember that Geoff is not well.  You need to meet Geoff on his "turf."   Just as you adjust your vocabulary when talking to a child, you must communicate with him on a level that meets his needs. 

Does Geoff's parents see the children?  Do they want the children to have a healthy relationship with Geoff?  I appears that his parents are enabling him out of guilt.  Similar to a divorced mother never disciplinging her children and giving them whatever they want.  She is full of guilt over the divorce from her husband and separating the children from the father. 

  

What you want is for Geoff to take responsibility for his mental health.  This means medication and therapy.  I am from the school where a good game of hard ball is occaisionally necessary. 

Start with being as firm as possible and stay away from his parents at all costs. 

I hope my advice is usefull to you.   c_y_wallis 

Quote From: thumpalina

I know what you are going through on a different level. My mom is a compulsive liar and she is an alcoholic and a drug user. so it is a different situation but. My Dad always wanted what was best for me and so he introduced me to his Church when I was 12 after I had stopped living with my mom and well I would visit my mom but it got to the point where I decided that I wanted a chaperon because I didn't want to be there while she was doing drugs and having parties with her friends and she blamed every thing onto my dad and still does because I have stopped talking to her on my own decision. so it is kind of the same for me and you daughter the only difference is the the drugs and alcohol over the bi polar and I am now 21.I know that you have it worse than I did but the only thing you can do is help your daughters realize what is going on and let them make there own decisions which I am sure you are already doing. I just have one question for you. Has he ever tried using nutrition as a way to help him not be as bad with his bipolar? well I wish you all the best and I don't mean to pry keep doing what you are doing. I am very proud of you . 

  

Thumpalina