Messages By: heyjude3

Apologize for the poor spelling.  I am dyslexsic.

  

 

 

  

 

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar when I was hospitalized several years ago.  I went to my internist and told him that I was severely depressed, could not sleep, and was concerned about my drinking as well.  A broken engagement, 2 parents (divorced), who had died after 4 1/2 years of suffering.  I was the only one to take care of them.

  

 

 

  

 

 My doctor, sent my to a shrink, who admitted me to the mental unit in the hospital.  My excessive talking and unclear thinking, led him to believe that I am bi-polar.  After release from the hospital, I saw him for about 2 1/2 years.  I have been on various medications, over the years.  In the beginning they helped with sleep.  Then, they no longer helped for sleep.

  

 

 

  

 

Having always worried about my weight (yet I am of normal weight), I landed up in 1 month on the last medication going from 102 lbs. to 139 lbs. Being 5'2" and petite, this was not acceptable to me.  Weight gain, made me totally miserable and depressed.  Ironically, my shrink, said I seemed well.  I in formed him that I was in misery, and depressed.

  

 

 

  

 

I am not even sure the type of bi-polar I am.  I wish I had the 'happies' supposedly associated with the manic state.  Sadly, my mania manifests in various upsetting ways.  Difficulty in concentrating, racing mind, coupled with the need to 'catch' up on the things I have ignored and neglected.  Back in 'reality', I feel the need to take care of neglected matters immediately.  I start one thing, and then remember other things that require attention as well.   I often can rush around to the point of forgetting what I was about to do.  Starting and stopping too many things at once, and feeling overwhelmed.

  

 

 

  

 

I found that the shrink did not help. 

  

 

  

 

I had a great therapist.  She helped me with my OCD (obsessive compulsive).   I have a fear of fire.  My OCD manifested itself in my repeatedly checking the stove top. My therapist helped me get a control of the OCD.  She had me learn to calm myself down, by stopping everything, and breathing and clearing my mind. 

  

 

 

  

 

Primarily, it is the constant feeling of anxiety that really does me in.  I feel anxious, nervous, and fearful most days, and almost in all endeavors.  After 9/11 (I worked by the World Trade Center ), I felt constant fear.  I still suffer from it to a lesser degree.  For several years, I was terrified to travel anywhere.   Frankly, I did not want to leave the house.   I still suffer from it to a lesser degree.

  

 

 

  

 

My therapist, made me force myself to leave the house, in ‘baby steps’, going further away from home, taking the subway, as I always had.  Eventually, I took a distant trip via Amtrak.  I am doing pretty well with the traveling now.  I would even take a trip via an airplane now.  I am sure with anxiety.  But, I would be OK.  The belief that I will be OK traveling makes a huge difference.  I accept that I will always have more anxiety that other people, without my mental health issues.  And, that is OK.  As long as I feel in control, rather than the disease controlling me, I feel OK with accepting my mental illness.   

  

 

  

 

 I could no longer afford the therapist.  I lost my job, and am still unemployed.  I feel I do need therapy.  I wish that there was a place for free, or minimal cost therapy.  I do not know of any such options available.   

  

 

 

  

 

Currently, my sleep is OK.  I use the over the counter unisom or sominex.   That seems to do the trick.

  

 

 

  

 

I stopped taking the bi-polar medications, as I felt they ultimately did not help me.

  

 

 

  

 

I would consider, reluctantly being on meds again.... if there was one that did not add on weight.

  

 

 

  

 

Any suggestions on how I can find out what type of bi-polar I have?  Should I contact the hospital? 

  

 

 

  

 

Suggestions are welcomed. 

  

 

  

 

P.S. My nephew (7 years) has Asberger syndrome.  I wonder, if this is related to my bi-polar problems.