Messages By: lbhat67

I was a little disappointed in yesterdays show.  I really thought Bi Polar would have been examined a little bit more in depth.  I too suffer from this horrible disorder.  I too, am not medicated.  I stopped taking my meds just about 2 years ago, not because I thought I was cured, but because I wanted to find a more natural way to focus on recovery.  (it's not working and I 'probably' need the meds back).

I know about the rage.  I feel the rage on a daily basis.  Do I act on it?  Not always.  When I am in a rage, breaking something helps bring me back to reality.  
Thoughts of not wanting to exist haunt me on my extreme low days.  
My high days, I am on top of the world.  Spending money was one of the ways I used to make myself feel the highs.  I just want to keep feeling that 'high feeling' all the time and you find yourself doing the strangest things to get that feeling.  Driving fast, going out, drinking, doing drugs, sex, the list goes on and on.
I quit work with no reason or explainations.  I am now on my 8th job in the last 5 years.  I just walk out.  I stop showing up. 
I would have periods of mania which would keep me up for days, cleaning and organizing.  And the depression would send be to bed for days, crying so hard that it's hard to breathe.
I have felt an increase in sexual feelings that have lead to extramarital affairs and exteme promiscuity .  With no thought or conscience about it. 
Feelings of over confidence, feeling fearless, reckless enthusiasm, with no thoughts of repercussions.
We have been in bankruptcy twice, I can't say it is all due to my spending sprees, but I am sure it had alot to do with it. 
I have been married for 20 years.  I have children.  I know how hard it is for them.  They have no idea how hard it is for me.
I really believe I have been in some type of remission for the last two years with little or no episodes, but this past January something happened and BOOM, it's back like it never left. 
The feeling of hopelessness overwhelms me. 

• I just wanted to point out that I feel  the show did not show the "highs and lows" with bi polar or the many other symtoms affiliated with the disorder other than rage.   
  

Thanks so much for reading. 
~lbhat

 I only know from my experiences.  I love my husband with my entire being.  I respect and admire him.  I have been bipolar since I was 12.  I am now 39.  I have had many affairs.  Do I try to hurt my husband  on purpose?  Absolutely not!  Do I care if I "catch" something?  Not at the time of the indiscretion.  I care about how that person makes me feel just at that moment. There are no fears of unpleasant consequences, reckless enthusiams takes over.  I have no conscience about it.  I hate that.  I have lied for years.  I continue to lie.  I can't hurt him like this.  He only  knows about 2 of my affairs (one in '95 in which I became pregnant and one in '97 in which I became pregnant).
 I would like to recommend a book or at least take a quote from the book, "Bipolar Disorder-A Guide for Patients and Families"  by Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D.
Here is a quote... "The feelings of exuberance and overconfidence that characterize mania can lead to several pattens of behavior typical of the manic state:  spending sprees, sexual promiscuity, and overuse of alcohol and other intoxicating substances....Increased sexual feelings can lead to affairs or promiscuity, actions that can be life-threatening."
I am sorry for what I have done.  If I could change it I would.  I can't.  I just want to feel normal again. 
~lbhat