Messages By: susanpear

I have friends across the board in terms of looks.  My worst experiences were with the most outwardly beautiful or handsome. 

"Beautiful friend" #1 - Guys often commented on how good looking she was.  Ended up sharing things I told her in confidence with someone I didn't want them shared with.  Dumped her old friends (which included myself and my aunt) because we weren't new age spiritual leaders.  Decided to only hang out with famous new age spiritual leaders.  No one else was good enough for her. 

"Beautiful friend" #2 - A slim drop-dead gorgeous blonde.  Guys turned their heads when she walked by.  Although single, wore a wedding ring because so many guys would hit on her.  She was in a bad situation with a boyfriend who was physically abusive.  I lent her money for a down payment for an apartment and arranged for 4 guys and myself to help her move while her boyfriend was at work.  She lost her job and I lent her more money help her avoid eviction.  Finally after lending her about $3000, I politely told her I was no longer comfortable lending money.  She dumped me like a hot potato. 

"Handsome boyfriend" #1 - Best looking boyfriend I ever had - 6'4", blue eyes, nicely built.  Ended up cheating on me, being emotionally abusive and burning me for $700. 

I have had many friends from all walks of life, but my worst experiences came from hanging out with these drop-dead gorgeous people.  I don't think it was a coincidence.  Unlike most of the rest of us, these three people got by on their looks all their life and never had to develop their characters or personalities.  They were successfully able to use people and them dump them when they no longer got what they wanted or tired of the people.  There would always be a long line of people they could easily "befriend."  After these people lose their looks, they will not have much in the way of character or personality to fall back on. 

I watched this show when it originally aired, and it bothered me then.  I didn't realize that it was going to be on again today.  Ya'll just don't get it.  I am Ashlee's Mom.  I was molested when I was a teenager, and when I told my parents, they did NOTHING about it.  It was my Uncle, and my Mom did not want to "ruffle any feathers", so they did nothing.  They NEVER confronted my Uncle.  I am now 50 years old.  My kids were raised with me being overprotective.  It was not something I could control or do anything about.  I actually was probably worse than Ashlee's Mom.  It hurts me deeply that my kids could not be raised in a "normal" kid environment.  Meaning, you teach them all the important things about strangers, safety, who to hang with etc.  My kids had to be in a home where Mom was freaked out all the time about their safety.  If we were at the mall, they had to be holding my hand, and if I was at the mall with my boys, without my Husband being with me, they had to go with me to the ladies bathroom.  I could not let them out of my sight. 

When they got older, I would wait outside the men's bathroom.  I was thinking that if I waited right outside the men's bathroom door, if I heard screaming or detected anything wrong, I would be right there to kill anyone that tried to hurt one of my kids.   Everything with my daughter was the same way.  They are all grown now.  I have apologized to them many times over that I could not let them be normal kids where safety was concerned.  They all totally understand and just see it, that Mom loved them more than life itself and could not help what was done to her as a teenager.   

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please don't judge Ashlee's Mom.  I understand and sympathize with her so much.  She is not sick, it's just that when something bad happens to you, it changes your whole life.  I still to this day, have anxiety if I try to call and they don't answer right away.  I always imagine the worst.  Please understand that it is something I cannot help because of what was done to me.  I HAVE to be the parent to my kids, that my PARENTS were not to me.  That's what parents are suppose to do, protect their kids.    If I had a chance to make life for my kids different when they were little, I would have.   Until you have walked in the shoes of us that have been abused, please don't judge us.  It's out of our hands to do anything different.   

Normally I pretty much agree with whatever stance Dr. Phil takes on a topic, but not on this show.   

 As parents,  we are responsible for the SAFETY of our children, be they 2 or 12 or 16, no ifs, ands or buts.   Yes, teenagers need freedom, but they also need boundaries and supervision.   Research has shown that the part of a teenager's brain that involves making rational decisions remains under-developed until early adulthood.   That's why so many teens make seemingly stupid choices.     And that's where parents come in to play.   We have to be there to rein in our kids when they want to make the dumb decisions, because some of those dumb decisons have dire consequences (ex. pregnancy, drug abuse).       

Thankfully my daughters don't have to ride public busses, or even walk to school.   They are the lucky ones.  Countless children are harrassed every day walking to and from school, and most of it goes unreported.   We live in a world where children are viewed as targets, as individuals to be exploited.  Just look and see what goes on on the internet.   Internet stalking of children simply mirrors what goes on in the "real world".   So the last thing I'm going to do is close my eyes and pretend the world is a safe place for my teenagers to explore on their own without reasonable restrictions.   That simply is not true.        

It seems as if we're d*** if we do and d*** if we don't.   If we give our teenagers freedom and they get into trouble we're asked why we weren't supervising our children, and if we supervise our children we're told we're not giving them enough freedom.  Where's the middle road here??    

Just FYI my children attend public school, they go away to camp for weeks at a time in the summer, and are allowed to sleep over at friend's houses, go to the movies & the mall with their friends,  provided I know where they are.   But they are not allowed to simply walk the streets or go wherever they want without asking me first.    I'm sorry.   I have my standards.     

I can't believe that spoiled girl who wants  a  lexus! It could be how I was brought up, but I've never been impressed by brand names. I'm not sure if her day on the farm is going to get through to her as much as when she doesn't get stuff that costs nearly as much as my rent for free! A purse for 350.00? That's gotta be one damn fine purse, indestructible. Heck, for that price, it should come with money. 

I agree w/ Dr. Phil that it's not all her fault, she was brought up this way, spoiled rotten. SHe has no idea how hard it is to earn money.  It may sound very sheltered of me to say this, and it may be the truth, but I never knew people like that existed aside from Paris Hilton, and Simple Life esque television shows. 

I am 27, and have paid for my own vehicles, gas, ect for my entire life. My parents helped me out when I needed it, and since then I have helped them out when they needed it. Its what family does, and part of what family is about.  True, I do have some nice things, like my truck ( used), and my rings I've rec'd as gifts. I do not mind paying money for something of quality, something I really want and am willing to work for.  

I just don't get it that people can be so materialistic. They are insane to give a girl that young a lexus. Imagine the insurance on that thing? The insurance payments alone would be more than what most people have as a monthly car/truck payment.  

Where am I going with this? I don't know, more or less venting, and using this show as a primer on what i do not want to instill in my future children. 

... 

On the topic of the jock godfather and his band god daughter. Having been in band for many years, I was always made fun of and teased for it. I can be athletic, but I do not enjoy team sports. In my experience, it's way to competitive with in the team itself and not the team working together. Not all athletes act the way that the godfather did on the show, but many of them do. It's a bad stereotype, but it does have some truth. I'm glad that he changed his tune ( pun intended). It was definitely a flashback to watch that segment, and it makes me wonder how many people who made fun of me still feel the same way about band people. Sports can be very taxing, both mentally and physically, but so are many other persuits.  

Hi!  

 I have an overprotective,overbearing, controlling, demandin, everything must meet her expectations and sometimes irrational mother.   

I'm almost 30 (EEK, ok not really that focused on my age), happily married (he's a great guy even if he forgets to scrape the dishes before placing them in the dishwasher), mother of a 7 year old girl (who my husband calls a little me) and soon to be mother of another baby girl (anytime now). 

Growing up with a mother with the aforementioned traits was no picnic, especially when you count in that my Dad was in the military and was gone for months at a time out the year and we moved quite frequently. So he never really got to see her at her worst, or he ignored it. 

I'll start around age 12-13, when I believe the worst of it started.  I was always expected to act like a little lady, put other people's feelings and wants before my own (even if it meant to hurt myself in doing so, being assertive was a boy thing) and to most importantly, always obey and never question anything she did or said.   Which I didn't know any different before then so it was ok, or so I thought. 

When I turned 13, my best friend and I decided that I didn't want to be that anymore and the war began. Not that I wanted to disobey my mother, I just wanted to figure out who I was like any teen. 

When she gave me the "talk" it was filled with all her horror stories of what happened to her when she was growing up with no real basis on what sex was to figure out what rape or molestation was. She also detailed how terrified she was of my Dad on her wedding night  and that it was never ever a pleasure like some people say. She also informed that if she ever found out that I was pregnant, no matter if was 13 or 30, she would take my children away because she knew I was going to be a bad mother. 

I was  blamed for my mother trying to commit suicide in our car because I had called a girl at school a bad name and she found out.  My mother began to get the idea that I was problem teen, and doing things that I wasn't or never even knew you could do.  

 Since my ideas and thoughts were different than hers, I was horrible and she didn't miss an opportunity to tell me or other people so. She was constantly telling me that SHE did not act like that growing up and SHE always did what her mother said and was what her mother wanted. When I told her it was because she was afraid of her mother and afraid to let herself be herself. I was slapped and grounded and told I was a B. amoung other things. 

My mother idolised my brother, he could do no wrong, and when he did it was I who did it, no matter what I said or anyone else said to the contrary.  

When my Dad was away the insanity intensified, even on my birthday, I was told I didn't deserve everything she went to give me a birthday party(which if you call blowing out your candles with just your brother there a party) and that she was only doing it because I was daddy's little girl and he wanted pictures of my birthday since he missed it. When my Dad asked why none of my friends were there I wasn't allowed to say that I wasn't allowed to invite them. My mom told him that I didn't have any real friends, and none of them showed up and she felt so bad for me, and then she cried and told him that she wanted to move again.  

So growing up a nightmare, I'll fastforward a bit(although I will say, there is tons more that my mom said or did between then and now which is worse that what I mention) 

When I turned 18, I wasn't allowed to pick my college, and since we lived overseas at the time, I could only leave the country when my Dad got military orders for me to do, so I had to go to where they wanted if only to get away from them.  

I met my husband online when I was 21, came to TN to meet him, and left a message with my parents saying I was going to TN for a few days to meet a friend and go on my vacation from work.  

Two days into my trip I get a call from the Police in OH, asking me if I had kidnapped, or was otherwise indisposed to say of my situtation with the man I had met and that my parents were worried because I never told them where I was going. (I left another message when I had gotten there!!!) 

Before my husband and I married, we found out we were pregnant with out first daughter. My mom threatened to take her away from me, right after she was born, if I didn't do what she said. ( I ignored her, and married him anyway without her in attendance) When my daughter was born she thought it was her right to stay with me for a month in my inlaws house without asking them. She also told me that I was to never say no to anything either grandparent wanted to do to help and that she would take the baby while I cleaned house since I didn't know how to be a mom.  

When my daughter was 3 we became pregnant again, and to hear my mother tell it, it was the most horrible news she could ever recieve and she knew nothing good would come if it and that I ought to terminate or give it away.  I can't imagine how bad she must've felt for saying that when 5 months into the pregnancy we found out that the baby was not going to survive long after birth due to a neural tube defect. Which she mistook for something treatable, then told me to go ahead and get rid of the baby and that I would forget the pain, besides my daughter was there.  I DID not and could never do that, so I had the baby boy, and he lived an amazing 4 weeks longer than they said he might and I briefly got to know my son. The day after he passed away my mother told us to not worry so much about making plans and that they would let us make them in peace. yeah right. The next day I had finally drifted off in a somewhat sleep state and was woken up to her banging on the door demanding to know my plans for my sons funeral and what we (my husband and I) were going to do. She pulled us both into the living room, and sat us down and told us that they (her and my dad) needed to know our plans NOW and that we had better come up with some, or she was going to do it for us. I told her that we really hadn't discussed it yet and that it hurt too much to think about it. She then turned to my husband and asked him what he wanted to do and he said "I don't care." (which if you know my husband, means whatever my wife wants to do, I'll support 100%) She flew off the handle yelling at him for not caring about his son and the funeral, and that she wished he had never gotten me...I didn't let her continue from there. I told her that he does care, and that he means whatever I want to do is fine and to leave us alone. Thankfully she and my Dad went away in a huff with her shouting that they would stay in hotel and if we didn't tell them our plans by tomorrow she was going to do it, even if it was against my so-called religious beliefs. 

Now 2 1/2 years later, I'm pregnant with a healthy baby girl ( so thankful and ecstatic), and my mom still had the same reaction as with both my previous ones. Except this time she demanded that she be the first to hold this baby after it's born, since all her other grandchildren have been stolen from her and live in different parts of the country. She is also telling me that she will be staying in apartment for about a month to "help". This only when 4 months ago she was yelling at me because I refused to move my family to NH to live with her so that we could have a better life like the one she planned for me, and that my Dad had gotten my husband a decent job and I could go back to school and they'd pay for it. (which I find ironic, due to the fact at one point I had to borrow money from them, which I refuse to do unless it's for my kids, they gave it to us, but later told us that if we didn't move to NH they wouldn't have anymore money for us and they would have to cut us off to which I responded that's fine we have our own anyway, like I ask all the time like a worthless sponge. )  When I adamently refused, she told me that if she found out that we've lost the apt or are staying with my inlaws she would take my children and she meant it this time. I hung up on her and balled (at 5 months pregnant it didn't take much to get that response). My husband called back and gave my dad hell for both of them treating me this way. ( go hubby) 

Wow, that felt good to get that all out (well most of it).  

Needless to say it's been turmoil around here. So wish me luck when I call my mom and tell her that I'd feel more comfortable without houseguests...so if you see a mushroom cloud over New England....it's just my mom. 

And for all you others out there with a similar problem, take care of it sooner than later, it only gets worse. I wish I had taken care of this and talked to her about her problems and then I would have less (not gone if I know her) of a problem now of letting her do that. 

This sparks a question for me.............  IS ANYONE IN A MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE ? 

I would like to hear from anyone who is currrently or has been in the past, in a marriage of convenience.   Not necessarily just for the sake of the children, but for ANY reason.........finances, 

it's just too damn hard to be a single mom,  to have someone to share household responsibilities, to have a Mr. Fix-It on hand at any given moment.  You know, you've stayed married just because it was the easier way to go.  I'm not saying that's a bad way to go, I'm sure it can work out well in many instances.  

I'm guessing sometimes that if both parties have fallen out of love,  you just become roommates. I'd like to hear any stories...........good endings, and bad endings.    

I'm a stressed-out mother of a 9-year-old, 3-year-old and 49-year-old husband. 

I work at my husband's office - quit after 20 years in the newspaper business in 1999. Things were pretty OK until after I came back to work here in 2003. 

I've never been so depressed in my life! I've gotten help - on antidepressents & therapy - and even got over a dependency on drugs! Thanks to Dr. Phil's shows on housewives like me who used pain meds to cope, I got help before it took over. 

Things aren't any better. Everything is on my shoulders that doesn't have to do with the addition my husband's building, yard work or fixing copiers. I pay the bills, I get the kids up and get them to school/daycare, I do their after-work swimming stuff, I put them to bed (the majority of the time), I do the housework and work up here too - dispatching, inputting, doing bookkeeping and company taxes. I'm pretty stretched. 

Speaking of stretching - my waistline is doing just that. I eat and spend my distress. I've gotten the spending out of control now that my husband has said that'll be the end of us if I don't stop. Hell, I have nothing to stop with! It's all gone. I tried to talk with him a year ago - two years ago - and he's just blown me off. 

He treats me like an employee and he doesn't treat his employees very well. I feel like I'm a bad mom, bad wife, bad worker, and I'm feeling fat and angry to boot. 

I tried to talk to him about how his temper has affected the kids and myself. In the past, he said he'd consider counseling (we've been talking since, oh, about 1998) but now he said he's just "tired of hearing about it." I'm just losing it here! 

My husband's business partner doesn't pull his own weight. Because of that, my husband pulls twice as much. He doesn't think that affects us. I told him that, yes, it affects the children and me. He's angry all the time, always popping off about some political thing or traffic or how idiotic someone is. He reads the newspapers every day, I swear, to make himself miserable. It's like he can't function without griping about something. 

I feel like I'm living with a toxic substance, not a husband. He's a great provider. He's an OK dad. He's a really crappy husband. 

So, I took the test here that determines whether your marriage is messed up. I scored a 47. We're in pretty big trouble and my husband is clear that he doesn't want to do anything to fix it. 

Now what? 

Move out? I've been fantasizing about moving out for 2 years now. How nice it would be to relax and not be criticsized for that! It would be wonderful to not have him come into the house and immediately treat the kids with impatience - yelling and going on like they're little adults. I know that when he travels without the kids and I - guys fishing trips or an occasional business trip - I feel a HUGE sense of relief. My anxiety goes through the roof when he walks into the house. I feel guilty for sitting down because he does nothing but work! 

He's coming to work now. I'll write later. 

Thanks for being here! 

Becky