Messages By: amillman

It sounded to me like Mom was overwhelmed at the time with a pending divorce, lost her job, bankruptcy and losing their house (so obviously some serious financial issues), a daughter who was getting removed from school due to problems and skipping class and she was very ill on top of it.    While I would like to think she could do more, I have a teen and I don't know what she should be doing. I think she did the best she could at the time and is regretting how it all played out and her role in it...which was pretty fast to...this didn't happen in months or ever weeks...but like 12 days.  I think Chuck was good at reading her and what her weak points were and used them to easily make her  believe he was a concerned father trying to help out (the kids were friends after all) and with all that was going on her judgement probably wasn't what it should or maybe normally would be. Look at how he is with Michelle...he does know how to use people and play on their weaknesses. Lets also not forget at 17...you can't MAKE a kid do anything especially one that is getting in trouble in all areas of life. I have a 16 year old and last year was hell with him.  He got kicked out of school, tried drugs, and it was just all bad.  My husband and I were doing anything (grounding him, heart to heart talks, taking away stuff, and anything else we could think of and nothing worked...NOTHING...until he found football this past year and it has turned his life around.  He was on a team that went to State Championship here in Wa State, had a perfect season and now works out daily with a trainer, gets b's and c's and truly has turned it around.  Its not because of my husband and I...its becuase of him. 

 

Anyhow...I'm just saying...there are so many factors here and its not all mom's fault.  If the law isn't broken in their state what do you expect her to do?  LIke she said...she can drag her home but she'll just run away again. Sure its easy to say...I'd do anything, tie that kid up, press charges etc...but lets get real.  None of that is going to work or is legal.  What Chuck is doing is legal as messed up as that is. I don't know what mom should do but I know the helpless feeling you get when nothing is working and noone has answers.  They may not have money to do alot of legal actions either.  Its not all free!  Unless you have had a teen that is rebellious you really can't pass judgement...it can be an impossible situation and its not because the parents aren't there, paying attention or trying.  Sometimes it is simply out of your control no matter how much you love that child, how much you are hurting or wanting to save them from themselves. 

 

I just hope this doesnt further mess Michelle up  when he dumps her.  It will happen.  I agree with what one person here said ...it creeped me out how fatherly he sounded.  Not like a man in love..its an authority figure he's portraying.  My husband doesn't talk about me the way he does her or even look at me that way.  And don't even get me started on the "Friend first, parent second" comment.  That's what is wrong with so many families in my opinion...especially single parents  ( I was one for 12 years).  We have to be parents...take charge...we're not suppose to be these kids best friends...they have friends...we're suppose to be the people that love them unconditionally and give them rules to live by.  I just hope Michelle wakes up soon and really grows up.   

AJ

The world is full of losers...if we could only figure out how to protect our kids before they get hurt.

My hubby and I met online on March 20th, 2003.  We lived near each other and met in a public place with friends after talking on the phone for a few weeks.  Three nights later had a date and have been together since.  We didn't sleep together immediately either.  Neither of us wanted to complicate it so early becasue we had pretty intense feelings almost immediately.  We were both 39 and knew what we wanted.  We never went a day without seeing each other and we married on May 31, 2003....and are about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary.  I don't think this would work for everyone, but we both were working at what we wanted in life and it just all meshed with us...right time, right two people, etc.  Everyday proves once again we were right.  My family loves him and they are very picky after some of the losers I had been with.  I think I surprised them when I got it together and went after what I really wanted...a man with morals, ethics, integrity, honesty and a love for life.  He's the best and I hope everyone married is as happy as I am in my marriage! 

 

So I do believe "time" isn't really the issue...its what the package offers...and if we're paying attention to the things that are important and matter in the big picture...not just our lust or quick fixes.

I did a college paper once...on whether living together before marriage made your marriage more likely to work and stay happy.  I found that most people (not all) ended up splitting up and not getting married...which is not what I expected to find!

 

Wow...thank you!  I never looked at it that way.  Its been a long difficult road and I am so proud of my son right now.  He's still got moments...LOL  But maybe I need to worry less and keep focused on him seeing me do and act the way I want him to...maybe that is in there and as he matures it will come out stronger and stronger.  He is a good kid...and someday he'll understand what we have gone thru and it will finally click that we really do love him and want the best for him. 

I got married two months after meeting my husband...one thing you mentioned I believe is super important!  TALKING!  We didnt mix sex in until we had spent weeks and hours just talking about eveyrthing under teh sun.  I mean EVERYTHING.  I learned more about him that I knew about all my previous boyfriends together.  I think so many get married because they are in love with the idea of marriage, being a couple and don't really plan what happens after marriage.  I read alot of comments here about how hard marriage is and I agree.  My marriage isn't perfect but its happy, its real and it feels right...even when we're so pissed at each other we can't see straight (which isnt very often).  We both brought baggage and have worked hard to eliminate it and see if for what it is...that alone has created alot more security in our relationship and less stress.  Its hard to face though at times because we all want to believe we left it behind long ago. 

 

My biggest advice to people wanting to jump in....make sure you've talked till you have nothing to say (which has yet to happen to us!) and be honest with what you want. Don't think you'll change something you don't like after you get married.  I fyou don' like it now...you'll hate it even more in 6 months.  Women want to nuture...lose that idea when you're deciding what is right for you.  You don't want to be the guys mom either.  The more honest with yourself you are..the better choices you will make...so listen to that little voice you try to ignore.

 

AJ

I loved what you said.  I agree 100%.  We established before our big day what things were important to us.  I brought a son into the picture and my husband a mother that is a bit out of it.  Its not always easy to deal with these other things...marriage isn't just about the two married but the entire family....  Love is a feeling in my book but it doesnt mean anything if it comes without honesty and commitment.  That is True love.  I am so in love with my husband but I'm also in love with our life together.  Its heathly, its happy and its constantly growning and maturing.  Should we have waited more than 2 months...maybe...but I still today and I know he does too because we talk alot about things, that we did the right thing for us.    Congrats on your 21 years...I know we're going to make it too because we both want it and are committed to making it happen.  I also have to say he's the most awesome dad to my son (who was 13 when we met).  Dr. Phil is wrong on that one area regarding step parents shouldnt discipline...for us it really has helped because my son adores my husband, thinks of him as dad (his dad has never really been around) and respects the hell out of him.  So if its the right man and the right discipline...it does work for a step parent...especially when you're a single mom of a boy... they do need a man figure to emulate in life.

WOW...I thought I was reading something I wrote....I told my husband the same thing...I am clingy and was afraid I'd scare him off in the beginning...so I warned him...its also why we didnt sleep together right away. The first time we met after he left me (we met at a bowling alley with some friends and were there about 1/2 hour) he went to his friends and said...she's the one.   LOL  So we both knew right away but did like you said...TALKED, and talked and talked.  He owns a semi truck so we would talk for hours on the phone in those first months when he'd be on the road (he drove Canada to Portland alot then and would be gone late afternoon to the next day...(I'd go see him before he'd leave).  I also was only getting married once and I didnt wait to be 39 to mess it up!!

 

AJ

Abuse is the intent to cause great bodily harm for your own sick pleasure.  Spanking is done without the intent of causing harm but to bruise the ego a bit. I grew up and was spanked as was all my friends.  We (1964) aren't the generation of gang bangers, violent juveniles that run wild today.  We didnt bring guns to school, we didn't attack teachers, we didnt disrespect authority like today.  We weren't perfect but we sure were not as violent.  I had a heathly fear of my parents knowing if I didnt do right I'd pay the price.  A tap on the butt is alot better than a dead kid.  I think in my son's life he's been spanked twice...both for serious issues.  Its all about balance and making sure the punishment fits the crime.  No one who spanks, at least in my book, would get enjoyment from spanking their child...people who abuse do get enjoyment...  Why does everyone think its better to have kids that don't have parents that care where they are, what they do or who they hurt.  I'm a responsible parent as are my friends.  I've never seen spanking used in excess...its the last resort when you need to get attention.  Its a swat on the butt...not a beating...not anything damaging.  It didnt damage me or my sister.  It damage my husband and it sure hasnt hurt my son or neices.  I am yet to be convinced time outs and saying no are the way to go...Seems to me they are the kids that run wild in stores, have no discipline and rule the house...its not a good thing.  (and I do realize there are exceptions to every rule)

 

And if a child has had enough of being spanked and it ends up with the cops called..that wasnt getting spanked..that was getting beat...  I've NEVER beat my child...spanking is one or two swats on the butt and made to go to his room or whatever. 

 

AJ

I agree...I think this girl needs Don...but he needs to deal with his grief and then work with her on rebuilding a shaky past.  It seems to me she hasnt had it that easy and is acting out in frustration with situations she cant begin to know how to deal with.  I'm sure if she felt the relationship changed when the son died, she took another step backwards in her own self worth.  Don seemed like a good guy or that he could be but he's not working thru the grief. My mother in law has done that with the death of her daughter about 6 months before I met my husband.  She now 3 1/2 years later still acts like it happened yesterday.  For anything to change with them, one thing is Don HAS to deal with the grief and not confuse the issue with resentment toward his stepdaughter.  She deserves that regardless of her behavior.