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Messages By: exfactor33
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March 23, 2006, 8:44 pm PST
 Hi
First of all I just want to say that I have been reading most of the messages posted on the message board and I really admire and respect the advice that juball gives. I am hoping that I can get his words of wisdom on this situation.
I recently ended a one year relationship with a "charming" young man. We started dating while working together about a year ago. Things were ok at first but then I noticed he became distant. He hardly ever called me except when he wanted to see me. I would call him and he wouldnt answer his phone and he wouldnt call me back for days. When he called he always had an excuse saying he Was "busy with work". He was always breaking dates with me and the few times that we did go out he always chose where we would go. He was not very sensitive to my needs, didnt seem emotionally committed to the relationship, and I felt there was no connection between us besides the sexual relationship. So finally I ended the relationship 6 months ago. We saw each other once in January he apologized for his bad behavior said that he was soo distant in the relationship because he had been hurt before and has been calling non-stop since then saying he wants to see me again, and get back together. However, based on his past performance I dont think it would be in my best interest to give him another shot. What do you think? |
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March 26, 2006, 11:12 pm PST
Quote From: juballl I think you have the right answer. Maybe he was involved in another relationship at the time, and gave you the only free time he has at the time, but here is what I am looking at in this situation. This show you how he can treat someone when in some type of relationship. Even if he didn't treat you the way he did in the past, you will know he has the ability to disrespect you when he feels like it.
Let me say up front, I am an easy going person, but when someone does me the way you describe, I can forgive, to the point of not holding a grudge, not even thinking about the offense done to me, but I rarely give that person a chance to do it again. I guess in a way, most of the time I live by the saying, that George W attempted to say, but could not remember who was supposed to get the shame... "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!"
This being said, sometimes a person can show true remorse, and show/prove that they have changed a certain behavior. Sometimes love truly is wonderful the second time around. I know this is not an answer, but hopefully it will be enough food for thought, that with all the variables you know that we don't, you will be able to know the right thing to do.
Again, thank you for your faith in my advice, and good luck Juball, Thanks for the advice. This will really help me to put things into perspective before making any drastic decisions to take this man back by taking a closer look at his actions and not so much what he says. God Bless |
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March 27, 2006, 9:22 pm PST
Quote From: sunsweet1 I have decided to leave my fiance after a year in our relationship. When we first met and began dating, it was wonderful and I was sure I had met the man God had intended for me to spend the rest of my life with. Everything changed when we moved in together 9 months ago. His "evil twin" emerged. He started drinking too much and he would go into rages over seemingly petty issues. He started calling me names: big fat cow; stupid f-ing bitch, etc. I walked out one night when he was particularly bad and spent 3 days away from him. He begged me to come back, said how sorry he was, and promised he would never call me names again and would treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Well, the name calling did stop, but he uses other passive aggressive means to hurt me. He lies to me about things that are easy for me to prove or disprove. He told my 14-year old son (who lives with his father), that he could not move in with us because we don't have room for him. He did this without even discussing it with me. Or he will act as though he can't remember the names of my children and refers to them as some other name altogether. This is just selfish and childish. So, I decided to leave. I wanted to be able to plan my move since almost all of the belongings in the residence are mine. I didn't just want to leave everything behind not knowing if he might destroy some things. So I am moving out in a single day while he is at work. I'm not telling him, although I plan on leaving him a letter of explanation. I do love this man, but sometimes love is not enough. I have suffered over whether I am doing the right thing. I pray and pray for a miracle. The only solution I can see is to get away and get on with my life. Am I wrong just to leave without letting him know? If I told him in advance, he would make the remainder of my time with him miserable. I don't know what else to do. Well first of all let me ease your pain a little bit by telling you that you are not alone. Myself and many women know what you are going through because I was dating the same guy (well maybe, not that guy) But I know how it feels to be treated soo bad by someone that you care soo much about. It sounds to me like this guy (like my guy ) has some deep issues for some reason maybe they are not happy with theirselves, or maybe they have some unresolved things that happned to them in their life which makes it hard to interact in a relationship, maybe they have a drinking problem, I could sit here for hours going over the Maybes. I spent a whole year trying to figuire out why my ex boyfriend acted the way he did and in less than 10 minutes I realized this: Whatever problems he has is just that HIS PROBLEMS. You cannot change someone. So with the help of a very wise man I decided to leave that man and his problems behind and to move on with my life. Best decision I ever made. By the way something else I learned. YOU DONT NEED HIS APPROVAL TO TERMINATE A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU. If you feel its necessary to give a letter of explanation then thats fine but theres no rule of thumb that says you have to. This is an abusive relationship and you do well to GET OUT NOW!. Abuse takes on many forms and sometimes one form of abuse may lead to other forms of abuse also. One thing all Abusers have in common is that they want to control you and they do this by sowing seeds of fear and they attack a persons self worth. That is what he is doing slowly. So If you decide to stay in this relationship just remember that things will not get better with this man and you will be leaving yourself open to more abuse from him including violence. Its not worth it! The only solution is to Get away from this man and do it NOW! I know that you care about this man but its not your problem or your job to fix what issues he has. I applaud your courage and wisdom to get away from this man. I wish you luck! |
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March 27, 2006, 9:45 pm PST
Quote From: keepgoing Yes this does help- I truly believe that everything happens for a reason but come on I can't keep thinking that he was the one. I really did. I wasted a year and that is a bad thing to say but if I would of just said enough then I would of had a little more dignity going out of this roller coaster with him. There were many attempts I tried to walk away and somehow he talked me right back into a great relationship of nothing.
My best friend called me today and told me that she saw him talking to someone on the side of the road. I really was doing alright and after she said that all I could do is think about him nd why isn't he calling how pathetic is that. I asked her never to tell me that again- I said if you see him great just don't let me know about it.
I am glad that he is alright at least I know nothing happened to him but I truly would like to just make it seem that he never existed. He really hurt me. I know he didn't mean to but I am sure he had his own agenda and all I can think is that I was that stepping stone for him to find someone and probably get over his commitment phobic stuff and give someone the life he promised me. Then I think about his pattern and then I am not sure. Of course I would love to think that he would be lonely forever but he jumps from relationship to relationship.
I just finally wanted to be done doing that and what if he ruined my chances of finding MR RIGHT. What if I can't trust a thing that he says? It is just very disturbing that he can just let go after the time we spent together. Just have enough respect for me at least as a friend. I mean come on there had to be something there to hold on for that long. I am really ticked off at him for this crap.
I haven't been in love with him for a long time but I did really love him and the saddest part is I would of held on for dear life. I just realized that morning that there is something really wrong with us and it was more sad than disturbing.
This man has been dedicated to a job for 18 years and he can't make a relationship work what is wrong with him. He simply adored me and made no bones about it when we first got together ( the honeymoon) I deserve better and I really think that I shouldn't have contact at all with him and closure will happen when I am ready- I don't need to talk the same broken record over and over I have to make my own closure and get my self esteem and respect back because I think he sucked that right out of me. I will go on believing that he will regret it one day and he will be sad that he let me go. Even if that is not what is going to happen.
I will love again I just need some good ole me time. ' Thanks for the advice I am always looking for that. I think that was good thinking on your part to ask the friend not to mention the ex and his activities around you. That is a sign that you really want to move past this and get on with your life. I think as you said it will take time to heal. I wish there was some magic pill that we could take that would erase all memories so that healing could happen sooner but alas, that only happens in storybooks. I can tell you that while you may have exhausted precious time in this relationship and missed out on some possible opportunities to find someone who is right for you. Its never too late. This experience has taught you alot. In the long run it will make you stronger and much more wiser. When you finally meet Mr Right you will be thankful that you got out of this situation and meeting Mr Right may happen much sooner than you think. I wouldnt spend too much time or energy worrying about if he will ever regret anything because waiting for him to close this deal out you may have to put your life on hold for God knows how long maybe forever. Regardless of what happens to Mr. Pathetic YOU have the power to close the books on this and to start again. Even though he controlled this bad situation you are a FREE woman he no longer has any hold on you or your life. Whatever he took from you self-esteem, dignity, respect it was only temporary you can get all of it back and more and you will. The beginning of your life starts right now today and guess what whether or not it has a happy ending doesnt depend on what Mr. Pathetic does or who he does it with. Its up to you. Its all in your hands now. I know its going to take time. But little by little you will start to feel better. Take care of yourself |
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March 27, 2006, 10:24 pm PST
Quote From: class2003 Seems like my ex has been spending time with this other girl when he said he is not looking to jump into another relationship right now. Funny thing is when the last time i talk to him he said that she was not allowed to come over and she is on a tight leash i guess it is not that tight of one. Her truck is over there and his truck is gone so is his moms car who knows might be a family outing or they might be off doing what ever. And making me the butt of their jokes I not to happy right now. I getting real sick and tried being lied to when he said that he would not lie to me because he wants me to stay his friend. But he still has my stuff and everything who knows maybe i am reading to much into this or maybe I not. I NEED SOME ADVICE I NEED SOMETHING TO GET MY MIND OFF HIM and whatever he may or may not be doing. When he calls again to see what i have been up to should i tell him i have been out just having the time of my life meeting all different types of people or guys which ever and make him jealous. He never really like me talking to guys or guys getting to hugey on me. I wonder what that would do to him. I wish i could think of something that would make him jealous and make him stop and think the thought he might lose me forever. Because one night i went out bowling with some of my brothers friends and my ex called wanted to know what i am doing who i am with this that and the other. Interesting for someone is not suppose to care what i am doing anymore hum. But this week is spring break so the other girl is out of school and she is up here so his focus is on her i guess. i wish i could think of something to make it shift. I know this is not easy for you to deal with. You no doubt feel betrayed by this relationship that your boyfriend is having with this young lady. You feel shocked, humiliated and confused about his actions. You are thinking to yourself he is with someone else but still is having contact with me so he must still have some feelings for me and you are holding out the hope that he will regret his actions and come back to you. Im guessing that you are finding it very hard to do anything else besides think of him and this relationship and your pain and this is your way of dealing with it by talking about here on the boards and thats what the boards are here for. So that people like us can find comfort in each other and I hope that you are finding some comfort here. I cant tell you what you should do if you really love him and want to hold out hope that he will come back to you then that is up to you but I strongly suggest that if you really want to help him to make up his mind, that you completely cut off all contact with him. He needs to know that he cannot have the best of both worlds. If he chooses to be with this girl then NO you will not settle for being just his friend. He has to make a choice and he will never do this if you continue to talk to him and interact as if everything were fine. Everything is not fine He betrayed your trust, he deceived you and It was him that chose to be with her so that when he quit hanging out with you he totally gave up BOYFRIEND RIGHTS. Meaning: he no longer has the right to know where you are, and who you are doing it with EVER. I repeat : he no longer has the right to know where you are, and who you are doing it with EVER.
So that when he picks up the phone to call you the only thing he should be hearing is Your answering machine or someone elses voice telling him that "You are not home". and ...You need to pack up his stuff and put it in a box and leave it on his doorstep or have someone else drop it off to him. Then you need to call up a few girlfriends and get out the house. GET MOVING! Go to the mall, go shopping, go walking, go out to eat. Go to the movies! Whatever just get out! You need to send a clear message to him and actions speak louder than words. He knows that you are home waiting on him and that is why he made the choice he made. He knows that you care about him enough to wait around while he sows his wild seeds of love with Ms. Young thing. What he wont be counting on is that you wont be sitting around in the house waiting on him but will be out living it up. What he wont see coming is when you dont pick up your phone when he calls you or that big brown box sitting out on his porch with his junk in it and what will really mess his head up is when he sees you out with that handsome guy you met who really is a "GREAT CATCH". I know this is all easier said then done but life is way too short, and you are still young. Be careful how much time you invest in this situation. Good luck |
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March 28, 2006, 8:53 am PST
Quote From: class2003 You have great advice. And you are right about one thing he knows I am sitting here doing nothing or waiting around on him to sow his wild oats. Because I messed up and told him I still cared about him and you know all that other stuff. And I have kicked myself for it to because know he knows and he knows I will be here. So it is time for me to give him a huge shock like he did to me. I will start going out with people and maybe catch my ex out and about and have some hot guy with me. I know my ex will be jealous all exs are I dont care what they say. I think that is the best thing to do and his stuff I really like your suggestion because he would never expect it. But how do I get my stuff back is the question? And your right when he broke up with me he lost the boyfriend rights of knowing who what when where and why. And he does not deserve the best of both worlds so I think the next time he calls I might be busy or I might just be sitting there ingoring it. Who knows. Life is short and I am young and in the end he will regret it because what he does not know that i know already is little miss thing is playing him big time. I guess I wont tell him just let him figure it out. Well it looks like the bad Karma that your boyfriend dished out is finally coming back to him compliments of Ms. Young thing. Good for him. Eventually when he comes down off of that stupid LOVE high that he is on he will smarten up and see that then again maybe he wont. but Why should you be the one to spare him any pain and tell him that Ms. Young thing is playing him? That's HIS problem. He made a choice to leave the relationship he built up with you, he didn't spare you any pain when he did what he did and he did so without remorse or any regard for your feelings. That says a lot about HIS JUDGEMENT, CHARACTER, and MATURITY level.
Since he is so used to being the player he probably is not counting on the fact that one day he will be on the receiving end of it. But again, He made that choice and that is HIS problem let him deal with it. Your problems are for the most part over now that you are rid of him. As for getting your stuff that is a good question. If the stuff that he has of yours are things that are valuable maybe you could call a good friend or family member to go with you to his house and the same day that you make your drop- off you can also pick up. You are not going there to settle things with him. You are not going to be confrontational with him. You are going to seal the deal. He made a choice and you are there to show him the consequences of the very unwise choice that he made. Letting go of his stuff will send him a message. Don't argue with him. Don't discuss your life with him or what you are doing with yourself. Don't ask him any questions about his relationship with you know who. Just tell him that you are there to get your stuff plain and simple. If he asks you any questions just simply repeat that your purpose of the visit is to "get your stuff and to give him his" that's all. Gather your stuff together and hand him his box and then bid him and Ms Young thing a very happy existence together. After that go out and celebrate your freedom. Good luck to you |
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March 28, 2006, 9:21 am PST
Quote From: gadgetlove Hi all, I have a huge problem and i'm so far in over my head I just don't know what to do anymore and could use some guidance. Due to my actions I managed to fall in love with 2 different people and I will have to end it with one of them in the next few days. Some background information first, to try and get the setting right. First of all i'm engaged to one of the 2 guys(Scott) and have been with him for 3 years now. The other guy(Adam) I've been seeing for a year and a half after what started off as harmless flirting. Things progressed quickly with Adam though and I fell in love with and had an affair. My fiancee Scott found out that I had cheated on him and we moved out of our apartment together and I moved back in with my mom. Scott forgave me and said we would work things out on the condition that I never have any contact with Adam, and I said ok. Even though I said I wouldn't have any contact with Adam again I never quit seeing him, I can't stop seeing him. Adam, knowing all that he does still wants to be with me, says he loves me and that he would do anything to be with me. The problem now though is that Scott wants to get another apartment together and if I do that even though he loves me Adam will have to end things with me, he won't put himself through that and I will lose him. If I tell Scott though that i've still been cheating on him he will leave me for sure this time, and I don't know how I would be without him, i've been with him for such a long time now. I just don't know what to do, I know I shouldn't keep what i've been doing from Scott and that he deserved to know but I can't bring myself to tell him, I don't know what I would do without him. The same goes for Adam though, I can see myself being with him and I know he would be with me after all we've been through but I just don't know how I would handle a life change like this. Theres a lot of details that i've left out but this gets the main idea across. Please help me, I am so confused and I just don't know what to anymore. Well the first thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself about this situation and your feelings. The fact that you are in this love triangle may be a sign that you are not ready for such a committed relationship that Marriage would bring right now. That is your choice but again you need to be honest and open with Scott. Secondly, you need to think about the other people involved in this love triangle and how this is affecting their lives and not just think about your own wants and needs. You say you love both these guys. But this is not true LOVE. True love is not associated with selfishness, deceit or lies. If you really love someone you don't keep secrets from them that could affect their lives just so that you can keep a relationship going with them just because you cant live without them. Scott thinks soo highly of you that he is considering spending the rest of his life with you. Such an honorable man deserves to know whether or not you are able and willing to be committed to being with him in that relationship BEFORE he makes his decision. You need to put your own feelings aside for one moment, think about this man and be honest with him and tell him the truth. I think he at least deserves that.
This is not just about making a choice of who to love. This is about integrity, honesty, character, and doing the morally right thing and that is to be honest with Scott about everything that is going on. |
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September 8, 2008, 4:33 pm PDT
I am a 34 year old black female and I dating a 30 year old white man. I have never been happier in my life. Before I met him I never believed that it would be possible to find someone who I could share everything with. He is so loving, geniune, and sweet. Despite the color differences we have soo many things in common. We both feel as though we are each other's soulmates. The problem is that I come from a very religious and conservative Christian family background. I called my sister up to tell her about him because her and I were really close, and she has always been very supportive of me. I thought maybe she would be happy for me. However, when I told my sister about him she seemed shocked and taken back. She even made comments along the lines of " I really hope you are not serious about continuing to see this guy". I have not told my boyfriend what her reaction was because I don't want him to feel hurt. He is a very sweet sensitive guy. I have strong feelings for him and regardless of what my family thinks I am going to stick with him. However, I am not even sure if I should tell my boyfriend anything about what my sister thinks and I don't know what will happen to the relationship between me and my sister. |
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