Messages By: darlynn82

I've been seeing this really great guy for about two years. Its a long distance relationship where we get to see each other every second weekend. We have talked about moving in together and getting married and such things. He's a super good guy who would never do anything to hurt me. He was raised to believe in loyalty, trust, and commitment. He calls me everynight just to say he loves me and wish me sweet dreams. The problem is I won't trust him. I've never trusted anyone I've ever been with and have destroyed relationships because i'm so insecure and jealous. I don't want to destroy what I have with Scott but as hard as I try to not be jealous, I continue to push him further and further away. He'll go out with his friends, all of which i know and are men, and i sit at home not sleeping until he calls me and says he's at home. I always feel the need to check up on him or interogate him about where he was and what he was up to. I try not to because I know it doesn't help the relationship but i don't know how to curb the habit. I've been cheated on and molested as a child so trust has always been a big issue. Does anyone have any advice for how i can change? 

I know exactly what you are going through. I was with a guy for 3 years, two of which we lived together for. In the end, he dumped me for another woman and when he moved out of my place, he got an apartment and she moved right in with him, no more than 2 weeks after we split. It absolutely sucked and was the worst feeling that I ever had to deal with. I had all the same thoughts and it didn't help that he was a complete and utter jerk and had the balls to even tell me that I wouldn't ever make anyone else happy. It was hurtful and agonizing. I was in complete misery. There were two very important factors in my recovery: 1. Support from my friends who wouldn't let me forget all that I had going for me, and 2. Time. I know it sucks right now but slowly and surely it does get better. Start getting involved in things you enjoy. I rejoined a soccer team, learned to play guitar, and pushed myself to define my authentic self by reading Self Matters. Do things for yourself and you will see that your not a loser. This is an oppertunity for you to live how you want to live. If he couldn't see the greatness that is you, its his loss. Out of the deepest pain of my life came one of the best gifts I had ever recieved. It lead me to the greatest and most fulfilling love of all - the love of myself. Also, its opened the door for an even greater man to waltz into my life and sweep me away. Don't sit at home - get involved in things and distract yourself. And most importantly, move out soon. If you have to continually be reminded of it, it will prolong your suffering. There is a sunny side past the pain. Learn from it and accept that you must go through this but it will be better. Have faith. 

I am a 24 year old woman whose suffered through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse at the hands of my older brother and father. I really didn't have any where to turn to at the time because my mom was in a deep depression and I didn't want to burden her with my problems. Over time, I learned to bury my feelings but to this day, carry a deep resentment and anger primarily towards my father. My brother did come to me one day years afterwards and apologized. He was easy to forgive because he was so remorseful. Today we have a wonderful relationship and are very supportive. Unfortuenately, my father is the type who doesn't believe he's ever done wrong. He emotionally abused me primarily and only touched me twice, relatively minor in comparison to my brother's transgressions. But there are occasions when he still looks at me and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable. It scares me and brings back horrible memories of the past. In the last year or so, I have begun to come to terms with my past, through the books Life Strategies and Self Matters. But forgiveness to my father just will not come. I know I have to forgive him to set myself free but because he behaves as if he's done no wrong, its so hard to forgive him. He simply does not deserve it. Does anyone have any helpful hints as to how they've moved past their anger to find forgiveness?

I just wanted to pass along my thanks for everyone being so courageous to speak up with their stories. For years, I hid mine. Molested by my dad twice and my brother numerous times from age 10 to 13. It devestated me and I hid it for years. My brother apologized and I forgave him, although forgiveness for my dad has come with its difficulty. But to me, the most freeing thing was speaking up about it, so it was no longer a "dirty, little secret of my past". And to hear other people's stories and what they've done to move forward has brought me more peace then anything because I no longer feel alone. Be strong everyone and remember, you have friends here - you are not alone. Its a long journey but we will get there -to happiness and peace.

I also have suffered through abuse and the failed relationships and low self esteem and everything else you've explained. For help, I did do Self Matters as well. While I learned alot and would like to go back and do it again for the same reasons as you would, I also found his book Life Strategies to be very beneficial to myself for loving myself. It gave me an action plan for any goals I had in life, and I used what I learned in it to love myself more as well. And Love Smart is really good for helping you realize what you really want and deserve in a man too and to not settle for any less. Give them a read - I learned from them and I hope you will too. I'm much furhter along in my healing now then I was a year ago and I credit a good portion of my success to my dedication to what I've learned in the books I've read.

Take care. God Bless. And never forget  - you are worth it and you are special.