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Messages By: darlynn82

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frustrated
March 26, 2006, 1:03 pm CST

I'm sabatoging my relationship

I've been seeing this really great guy for about two years. Its a long distance relationship where we get to see each other every second weekend. We have talked about moving in together and getting married and such things. He's a super good guy who would never do anything to hurt me. He was raised to believe in loyalty, trust, and commitment. He calls me everynight just to say he loves me and wish me sweet dreams. The problem is I won't trust him. I've never trusted anyone I've ever been with and have destroyed relationships because i'm so insecure and jealous. I don't want to destroy what I have with Scott but as hard as I try to not be jealous, I continue to push him further and further away. He'll go out with his friends, all of which i know and are men, and i sit at home not sleeping until he calls me and says he's at home. I always feel the need to check up on him or interogate him about where he was and what he was up to. I try not to because I know it doesn't help the relationship but i don't know how to curb the habit. I've been cheated on and molested as a child so trust has always been a big issue. Does anyone have any advice for how i can change? 

  

 
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March 26, 2006, 6:07 pm CST

Moving on

Quote From: lisarowe

So my live in boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me.   ok, so I've accepted that we're breaking up, I'll be moving out soon and looking forward to the next chapter of my life.  It's very sad, I'll be going through the usual break up grieving process, etc etc....sigh... what I'm most hurt about is that he's already moved on.  He's already seeing someone els and says he wants to be with her.   (I found out that they're waiting for me to move out so that they can both be together)  THIS hurts more than anything.  I keep having the "she must be better than me" thoughts....  I know all that I need to do to move on.  I keep telling myself  'f*ck him', Logically I know what I have to do, BUT it still hurts.  It hurts immensely and I'm worried that this break up will be harder for me to get over now that I KNOW he wants to be with someone else.  I simply feel like I'm not good enough.  I've been feeling really low and depressed,  It just hurts and I simply want the pain to go away.  Is there anyone out there that has gone through this?  I know what needs to be done to move on and forward, BUT my mind can't stop the 'I'm a loser' thoughts going on in my head.  I'm so tired of crying...

I know exactly what you are going through. I was with a guy for 3 years, two of which we lived together for. In the end, he dumped me for another woman and when he moved out of my place, he got an apartment and she moved right in with him, no more than 2 weeks after we split. It absolutely sucked and was the worst feeling that I ever had to deal with. I had all the same thoughts and it didn't help that he was a complete and utter jerk and had the balls to even tell me that I wouldn't ever make anyone else happy. It was hurtful and agonizing. I was in complete misery. There were two very important factors in my recovery: 1. Support from my friends who wouldn't let me forget all that I had going for me, and 2. Time. I know it sucks right now but slowly and surely it does get better. Start getting involved in things you enjoy. I rejoined a soccer team, learned to play guitar, and pushed myself to define my authentic self by reading Self Matters. Do things for yourself and you will see that your not a loser. This is an oppertunity for you to live how you want to live. If he couldn't see the greatness that is you, its his loss. Out of the deepest pain of my life came one of the best gifts I had ever recieved. It lead me to the greatest and most fulfilling love of all - the love of myself. Also, its opened the door for an even greater man to waltz into my life and sweep me away. Don't sit at home - get involved in things and distract yourself. And most importantly, move out soon. If you have to continually be reminded of it, it will prolong your suffering. There is a sunny side past the pain. Learn from it and accept that you must go through this but it will be better. Have faith. 

  

 
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July 23, 2006, 1:33 am CDT

I know how you feel

Quote From: 4ptsake

Hello,First time I've been on a message board in a long time. It's nice to see people supporting each other and sharing their stories...I've missed that.I'm not even sure where I want to go with this except to get some reassuance that someone out there understands and I'm not really alone in how I'm feeling. I was sexually/emotionally abused by a brother who was 4 years older and, until after he came back from being in the military for 4 years, was much bigger than me. The first time I remember it happening was when I was about 5 or 6 and he showed me off to a couple of his friends and the last time (sexually anyway) was when I was about 13...though I have a feeling the emotional abuse started much earlier, that's just the first time I remember being aware of it. I was also abused by several doctors over the years and was involved in an emotionally/verbally/sexually abusive relationship in my late 20's and early 30's. I've had quite a few "traumatic" events in my life besides the abuse including a fire when I was 16 that took everything my family had, have basically been emotionally ignored by most of my family as far back as I can remember (I've never told them about the abuse and I'm not sure I ever could), have been with several family members when they died (no regrets in being able to say goodbye but it was very difficult emotionally) the last one being my uncle who I lost last September 11 (ironic, huh?) to cancer, being caught up in my parents ugly divorce for more than 10 years and my mothers attempt at suicide a couple years after my dad left. I managed to get through it all with my basic sense of right and wrong/justice intact (at least I think it is), my compassion for others still alive, and my ability to function, most of the time, in a reasonably normal way. The last few months I've been getting, a little more each day, to the point of feeling as though I've been knocked down so many times I'm not sure I can get back up again. I quit my old job because of an injury, from which I still have back and muscle problems, and started a job I thought I could handle much better physically. It worked out fine physically but I was let go three months into my probationary period (last month) because I couldn't handle it emotionally. I've never been fired or had so much trouble learning a job in my life so it was a major blow to my ego...I'm currently 44. Now, with job hunting and having to worry about money, my insecurities and feelings of uselessness and stupidity are rearing their ugly heads worse than they ever have and I don't know how to get past it. Right now I'm feeling totally lost in where I want (or need for that matter) to go with my life and I don't know if I have the strength to get through it all this time. How do all of you deal with the guilt, shame, and feelings of being worthless and/or stupid...or do you have those same feelings? How do you deal with the setbacks? I can feel my heart and soul getting a little harder with each passing day...and I think that's the hardest part of all for me. I feel as though my spirit is being drained...or maybe crushed would be a better description. I don't want to end up bitter and angry and cruel but I feel like it's happening in spite of my best efforts to stop it. Thanks for listening, sorry I rambled on for so long, and I hope all of you are doing OK.
I came on here tonite becuase i just wanted to know that someone out there understood and just got me and the first message i find is yours.  Kinda ironic. I was sexually abused by both my brother and my dad on different occasions growing up from the ages of 8 through until 13. My dad was also an alcoholic who physically abused my mom, which sank her into a deep depression when i was about 10. It was devastating because i felt truely, truely alone. The only person i was close with was my grandfather, who died two days prior to my thirtenth birthday. Believe me, I know how you felt. When I started high school, i was in a dark place and contemplated suicide more often than i care to admit. But i meet an amazing group of friends who gave me hope for a future. Unfortunately, i ended up in a very poor relationship in which he used me and treated me like all i was good for was sex. After three years, i got up the courage to leave the jerk and settled into a loving relationship. James and i fell in love fast but it wasn't long until my insecurties crept in and it was like world war three was raging. Two years into the relationship, i lost my job and bounced from job to job until i decided to return to the trade i was fired from. After three great years, James walked. He couldn't handle my jealousy and insecurity. I can't say as i blame him - i'm not the easiest to get along with because of my enduring pessimism. I am with another really good guy now and have been for two and half years but again, my jealousy and insecurities are driving him away. I never look positivly at anything because i instantly believe i will be hurt. I'd rather be a miserable pessimist then a miserable dissapointed optimist. Tonite, Scott and I had a huge fight and the most frustrating thing for me is I desperately want to know that someone understands me and gets me. That's somehting Scott can't do and won't even attempt to understand.  So my frustration only makes matters worse. I feel so unloved and disrespected. I feel so alone, like no one understands. And its ruining another glorious oppertunity for love - which only compounds to my feelings. No-you are not alone. And thank you for reminding me that i am not alone either.
 
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August 27, 2006, 8:25 pm CDT

Any advice on forgiveness?

I am a 24 year old woman whose suffered through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse at the hands of my older brother and father. I really didn't have any where to turn to at the time because my mom was in a deep depression and I didn't want to burden her with my problems. Over time, I learned to bury my feelings but to this day, carry a deep resentment and anger primarily towards my father. My brother did come to me one day years afterwards and apologized. He was easy to forgive because he was so remorseful. Today we have a wonderful relationship and are very supportive. Unfortuenately, my father is the type who doesn't believe he's ever done wrong. He emotionally abused me primarily and only touched me twice, relatively minor in comparison to my brother's transgressions. But there are occasions when he still looks at me and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable. It scares me and brings back horrible memories of the past. In the last year or so, I have begun to come to terms with my past, through the books Life Strategies and Self Matters. But forgiveness to my father just will not come. I know I have to forgive him to set myself free but because he behaves as if he's done no wrong, its so hard to forgive him. He simply does not deserve it. Does anyone have any helpful hints as to how they've moved past their anger to find forgiveness?

 
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hopeful
August 28, 2006, 2:50 pm CDT

relief

Quote From: jerrigri

I've written this on a message board before but I don't remember where.

 

I have no idea why people want to hurt innocent young children.  I'm not even sure if they know of the lifetime impact that they have on these children.  I believe that these children form lifelong beliefs of themselves and of others that may stem from just one event, let alone several. 

  

The anger that you hold is only hurting yourself.  Those abusers (emotional, physical, sexual) do not feel one iota of your disgust, shame and anger.  Be pissed all you want, you're still the only one that feels it.    It's not about getting the abuser to admit their wrongdoings or to apologize.  You already know that the truth.  Forgiveness is not to let them off the hook.  It's the letting go of the energy that has been created within you, for the purpose of taking your pain away. 

 

AFTER READING THIS, stand and close your eyes for a meditation.  Picture yourself in a park or somewhere else that you feel is tranquill and safe.   Hold your arms down to your sides and visualize a bucket in each hand.  The disgust, anger, and shame are poison in your body.  Starting with your toes and working your way up, visualize the bad feelings flowing up through your body.  Check everywhere that may have been abused.  Check your feet, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, genitals, buttocks, anus, abdomen, back, breasts, neck, eyes and ears (seeing and hearing), mouth, head, arms, hands, wherever.  Let it all flow up and out your fingertips into the buckets.  Do a double check to make sure that you got it all.  Take your time. 

 

When the buckets are full and your body is empty of the bad feelings, visualize your abuser off in the distance sitting on a park bench.  Walk up to him/her.  Hold your hands out and give the buckets to your abuser.  Tell him,  "Here, these belong to you.  They do not belong to me.  Give them back to whoever gave them to you so they may pass it back to whoever gave it to them."

 

Turn and walk away and know that you are now safe from your abuser.  Feel how much lighter and more confident your body and spirit feel.  Acknowledge your courage.  Hold your "inner child" in your arms and let her know that you will protect her and will never let these things happen to her again.

 

I originally made the mistake of trying to visualizing all of my abusers at once (molested by 5 diferent men and my adopted father was physically abusive) but was getting too confused.  I had to do the visualization for each one.  Letting go takes practice and time.  Be patient and gentle with yourself.  It's been 13 years since the first time I did this exercise and I still do them on occasion when I feel the shame and anger creeping back in and I feel that it is affecting my relationships (I have difficulty trusting men in authority...go figure).

 

 

  

 

 

  

 

Thank you so much. I do feel more confident but I know I still have alot of work to do. I will continue to meditate and use your advice. I've never had anyone put it that way before and I do feel lighter and I feel less hatred and anger. Thank you for your help.
 
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sad
September 1, 2006, 8:53 pm CDT

I really hope this helps

Quote From: angienickel

I need some advice!  A lot has happened in my life, but my greatest joy has been my two little boys.  I must admit, though, children were never a part of my goals in life.  I wanted to graduate from high school and join the Navy, and then the ranks of law enforcement officers, but that never happened. I quit school on the first day of the second semester of my 12th grade year, moved out of my home state, found a good man, got pregnant and got married.  All of these things took place in that order!  The day we married, which also happens to be my birthday, we moved from Florida to North Carolina, overnight!  Three years after the birth of our first son, we were, again, surprised with a second son.  On September 20, 2001 my life and body was changed forever.  My husband, oldest son, and I was hit head on by a drunk driver.  My family, thank GOD, made it out of that car alive and well.  I wasn't as well as my son and husband, but I was alive.  The motor of our car actually crushed two bones in my right foot.  I belive that it is unfixable, and I have developed advanced osteoaurthritis.  My foot is not reliable, and I fear that my passion for law and law enforcement will be extinguished because of the actions of someone that drove while entoxicated.  I need facts and words of encouragement.  Please help, if you can.
I'm a big beleiver in the saying that if you believe in something, it will come true. I am a mechanic by trade and the most amazing thing I've ever seen is a fellow mechanic (not one I've had the good fortune of working with) confined to a wheel chair. His story is that at somepoint in his life time, he lost both legs from the knees down to some freak accident (i'm not sure of all the details) but still was a sucessful mechanic whipping around a shop in his wheel chair. He was my inspiration in continuing in the trade when I was ready to bail. I am  a woman in a male dominated field and have had to put up with some pretty pig headed people. But i thought, if this guy can do it from a wheel chair, why can't I? I can't possibly imagine how hard it was for him to adapt to his career. I find it difficult to do standing on my own two feet at times. I feel deeply sorry for your terrible accident. I hope you continue to invistigate ways to pursue your passions. I'm not familiar with law and law enforcement and all it entails but I'm hoping you can find your place in that world, even with your foot. If i learned anything from my wheel chair bound hero, its that anything is possible if you set your mind to it. I truely hope this has help lend some inspiration to you.
 
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angry
September 1, 2006, 9:02 pm CDT

Manager Causing me stress

We got a new manager at the auto repair shop where I work and suddenly I hate my job. I am a licensed mechanic and pride myself on doing quality repairs. For far too many years, my trade has been dominated by hacks that have ruined the trade's reputation for honesty. I pride myself in being as open with customers as possible, showing them old parts, before and after repair showings, and constant diaglouge. I refuse to short cut or hack something just to save someone a few bucks. I don't want hte customer coming back in a short period of time. I'd rather have a quality repair done that will far outlast any hack. My new manager, though, is all about the quick buck. He doesn't care about reputation, as long as he's making money today. So, now he's asking me to be a hack, just to make stuff work. It makes me so angry and frustrates me. And then head office gives my apprentice a raise to more money than I make!!! Unbelievable. Unforetunately i'm terrified of moving on. I've been with them for 3 years and like the job security, benefits, and holidays. I'm scared that others won't hire me cause I'm a woman. AHHHH!!! Its enough to make me scream.
 
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September 29, 2006, 11:00 pm CDT

I just wanted someone to understand

My boyfriend and I just had a pretty big fight. I was molested continously over a three year span by both my brother and my father when I was a child. It devastated me then and continues to hold power over me today. For numerous years, I didn't deal with the emotional baggage I carried. But when I met Scott, I knew I had to deal with it. All the painful parts of my past that I never sought help with were (and still are, to an extent) causing me to lack greatly in the trust department. I'm just now starting to win my self esteem back after 2 and half years of hard work and focus on myself. I definately feel like I've come a long way because I see myself in a more positive light. But I'm still having problems with control and trust. I'm still terrified that Scott (my boyfriend of over 2 years) will hurt me, though he's given me no indication he will. I believe it still stems from my past and since I've not sought proffessional help, I feel as though I'm not moving through it as fast. I've read Life Strategies and Self Matters and done all the excercises and I know that's where I've found my strength and I began to believe in myself again. But tonight, Scott and I were fighting about my lack of trust. He knows of my past and I told him tonight that I'm trying and I'm working on it, its just taking some time. Then he spits out "I thought you'd be over it by now. Just think of something else." I'm so hurt. I just want someone to understand that you don't "just get over it". I was wondering if maybe I'm in the wrong. Should I just be over it by now, even though I never dealt with my feelings for over 10 years? What am I do wrong? Or is he just on the outside because its never happened to him?
 
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naughty
October 3, 2006, 9:44 pm CDT

Be Strong

I just wanted to pass along my thanks for everyone being so courageous to speak up with their stories. For years, I hid mine. Molested by my dad twice and my brother numerous times from age 10 to 13. It devestated me and I hid it for years. My brother apologized and I forgave him, although forgiveness for my dad has come with its difficulty. But to me, the most freeing thing was speaking up about it, so it was no longer a "dirty, little secret of my past". And to hear other people's stories and what they've done to move forward has brought me more peace then anything because I no longer feel alone. Be strong everyone and remember, you have friends here - you are not alone. Its a long journey but we will get there -to happiness and peace.

 
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October 3, 2006, 9:48 pm CDT

Just a suggestion

Quote From: littledragon25

I was molested for six years by my cousin who lived with us. From age three to nine when he finally moved out. I have never told anyone in my family. And I don't know that I ever will. I too have had intimacy problems. I am overweight, seem to fall for the wrong guys, or guys who know the victim role and are still playing it. I have to watch how I argue, because I do fight unfair, and make myself the victim.

I haven't been in one succesful relationship in my life. Most of my relationships have been with women. And they have been meaningless. The one time I found myself able to be with a man (and subsequently lose my virginity to him... earlier this month no less) the experience was unfulfilling because I couldn't open up and just let go and allow myself to be with this man, who I love. This incident was one of the main reasons he and I couldn't make us work out.

I am 25, and I know I have a long time to find someone, but I've been shut up inside of myself for so long. I'm tired of being hurt. I recently wrote a letter to the man who hurt me, and I told him he was forgiven. And he's fogiven because that is freedom for me. And I told him I was no longer afraid of him and he no longer had any power over me. I sent it out in the mail, and I felt some release of pressure and some relief, but not enough.

I still live a life in fear, yet I want to open up and let someone in. It seems everytime I do, he's no good for me or I sabotage it somehow.

I've had no therapy, but I did read Dr. Phil's book Self Matters, which helped me a lot as I did the exercises. However, I feel like I need to go back and start all over again, as situations have changed since then. And I have new priorities as well as new goals and new problems.

 

The silver lining for me is that I know I am who I am today because of all that I have endured, even the abuse. And despite my problems, I would not trade my life for anyone's. I love myself- flaws and all. :)

 

Blessing to all my Brothers and Sisters out there!!

 

LD

I also have suffered through abuse and the failed relationships and low self esteem and everything else you've explained. For help, I did do Self Matters as well. While I learned alot and would like to go back and do it again for the same reasons as you would, I also found his book Life Strategies to be very beneficial to myself for loving myself. It gave me an action plan for any goals I had in life, and I used what I learned in it to love myself more as well. And Love Smart is really good for helping you realize what you really want and deserve in a man too and to not settle for any less. Give them a read - I learned from them and I hope you will too. I'm much furhter along in my healing now then I was a year ago and I credit a good portion of my success to my dedication to what I've learned in the books I've read.

Take care. God Bless. And never forget  - you are worth it and you are special.

 

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