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Messages By: ceildh1

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March 27, 2006, 7:36 pm CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Okay, I'm reading through these posts and it seems to me there are way to many Stepford wives out there, who are just ready to jump on the whole "I'm doing it, keeping the Martha Stewart Home, while being with a half dozen children, and MY man has me eating out of his hand because he works outside the home."  Ladies, please give me a break. 

First of all, post partum depression, obviously you perfect housewives have never suffered from it, or kept it secret so your wonderful husbands didn't have to deal with it, can last for YEARS after a birth, her second was only ten months, yes, we know the cause , cure , and prevention of pregnancy, but too late for that. So you deal with it, BOTH OF YOU, did anyone, stop to think she was suffering from this, of course not, after fifteen, well okay not even, minutes you all know her and can judge her as lazy ?   Did any of YOU wonderful wives who don't complain and accept your lot in life, ever think that she has high blood pressure ? Or maybe some other pregnancy related illness that makes her more tired than normal, guess not you are looking at the Escalade in the yard, she said she would give that up, and yet he is being the wonderful man who NEEDS a clean home? 

How much actual outside contact ( not family, but girlfriends ) does she get ? Does she get to go to the park and socialize with other moms, or is she going to stay home and make sure her MAN is comfortable ?I loved my MIL to death, but she was really different from having a girlfriend to talk to. 

Is she stuck listening to ( loved my kids but let's face it, there is only soo much of Barney anyone could hear about ), toddlers and prescoolers all day with I might add no break ? 

You know what, I've had three, and I refuse to be a STEPFORD wife, my first I was sixteen, but that's anothe story, I went to school and finished my education, My SECOND was the pregnancy from hell, you know what, I wasn't allowed out of bed, much less vaccuum after my husband, my third, well I had a condition that required rest and NO heavy house work, plus a two year old on top of that. 

My husband, well I'll say, he was raised right, he was loving and supportive, yes my mother and MIL helped me out with thigs I could NOT do, my other children, yes had babysitters, because of DOCTORS orders, not because I was Lazy, who are YOU to JUDGE especially if you do NOT know the people in question. 

But to those moms who would rather be known for their care and attention, and for those of us who CHOSE to leave the dishes and the beds, and went to the playground, single, married, working, Stay at home, being a mother is the hardest job we will ever have yet the most worthwhile, so shouldn't we support, and not judge one another for an eight minute segment we see on TV ?  C'mon ladies, this debate is old, and as promised maybe this show could get onto what makes a good husband 

  

  

 
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April 3, 2006, 6:18 pm CDT

Missed the approach

Quote From: loopdlu212

During the first segment, I kept waiting for Dr. Phil to do his thing ie:  "TELL IT LIKE IT IS"  to the crack-addicted mother who sat there with her head held high, her chest puffed out, and her righteous attitude exuding - but he never did. 

It seemed to me as though he walked on eggshells with her. 

I was especially disappointed when his advice to the daughter was "perhaps she could visit with the children for an hour a day if she sounded rational"... 

Are you kidding?!!!  She shouldn't be anywhere near those children!!! 

The mother sat there argumentitively, justifying her behavior, while I felt as though Dr. Phil really let her daughter down terribly by not "doing his thing". 

Unfortunately, he probably knew, like others who have dealt with addicts, it wouldn't have done much good at all, her mind was tooooo fried, though I did NOT agree with her seeing the children for even an hour.  The problem is, addicts are great actors, it is a skill they learn to develope early on, manipulators would be a better name I suppose. 

Also, with the way she was acting, he might've been avoiding a violent outburst (violence is NOT what put the Dr. Phil show on television ) she looked like she could've gone off at any moment, yes I would've liked to see his no nonsense approach, but I think like the viewers, he realized there was nothing he could say or do to make that woman see what she was doing to her family. 

I'm sorry, I sound blunt, I don't mean to, but that is my two cents 

 
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April 4, 2006, 7:42 am CDT

04/04 "I Want My Ex Back"

Okay, here it goes, 

Love does NOT, I repeat NOT conquer all problems in a relationship, if anything, sometimes we are so blinded by the good feelings that the emotion brings, that the red flags are too often ignored ( and as much as many will hate to see this, it seems it's women who choose to ignore them most often ).  This is the reason for abusive relationships, and controlling relationships. 

What I want to know is this, are women today THAT desperate that we have to settle for the first thing that bats his eyelashes at us ?  I mean let's get real here, the signs are there at the beginning of any relationship.  If he was acting like a sex starved teenager while you were dating, unless you set him straight at the beginning, guess what, and here's the SUPRISE, it will continue after you get married. 

My advice to anyone contemplating taking someone back would be, understand you cannot change him/ her, they HAVE to be willing to change themselves, and I would not take them back until they have proven they have taken the proper steps to change themselves, if it takes a year, so be it, if you choose to stay in contact great, well with the children you kind of have to, but the separation might be better for all, if you can get along. 

My next bit of advice would be to upgrade your job skills, make a positive change for yourself, so you don't feel a need to have someone look after you, that gives you leverage, so if the changes were only superficial, you have given yourself the tools to stand on your own two feet, and the confidence to say, I can look after myself thank you. 

I think a marriage can survive the " Almost, but not quite Divorce, " but it takes the efforts of both parties, and the commitment to yourselves, and you own sanity, and I think we have to start teaching our daughters, that marriage and children are NOT the only option out there for her, we should be teaching them to value themselves, and to stand on their own, and maybe we will have a generation of strong women, who don't NEED to be taken care of. 

  

 
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April 4, 2006, 4:37 pm CDT

Please Think about this

Quote From: lindalm727

Hello all, 

     I'm going through something similar. I want my ex back too. Only I was nevered married to him, but we have a beautiful daughter together. We were together for 1 year and half. He says he is done trying and I want us to try one last time. I want us to get counseling and try. We have never tried that, he said he would but never got to it, cause he moved on to another female. I hate the fact he has a new girlfriend. He says it's not his girlfriend and he only sees her ocassionally but after a week of being apart he had already found someone. And now has been seeing her for 4 months. He raley sees his daughter. He only saw her 3 times last month. He plays these games with me....a couple of weeks ago we got together intamtley then the next day wanted nothing to do with me. we fight all the time....now i won't let him see the baby unless its around me in a public place. what do i do? 

Why do you want him back exactly ? is it for your daughter ? Trust me she will not thank you for forcing her to live with a father who obviously is too immature to realize that SHE should be number one in his life, and belive me she will thank you less for being brought up in a home with parents who are constanly fighting, or are living with pent up resentment toward each other. 

If he says he's done, then he's probably done, and no amount of nagging or tears will bring him around, as hard as it is, you have to move on for your own sake, get a lawyer and get child support, again, get an education, and give your child a life not to mention, you sound young, you deserve to be happy. 

He's playing games because he can. He has obviously learned if the latest kicks him out of bed, he's got another one to go to, there aren't too many games out there that can be played with only one player. 

Yes, I agree that breaking up is NEVER pretty, and it is hurtful, and it can leave you feeling like garbage, but you know what ? There was life before this jerk, and life will go on after him, but it is up to YOU alone to embrace life and find a way through, if not for yourself, than for your daughter, he obviously wants to break from you, but he wants to see how far YOU will allow him to string you along, to be blunt, it is now YOUR problem, he's having some fun with a willing partner.  Sorry about the ramble, but I hate to see young women end up settling for just anything. 

It will be hard, but not impossible to get the education and job skills you need, if he cannot be trusted with the child, then you are right to have him supervised, but do it through the courts so he has nothing to hold over you and so you have legal recourse if he tries to break it, but for your sake, you need to break completly, and think of yourself and child. 

 
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April 7, 2006, 7:12 pm CDT

04/07 Social Taboos: Is This Normal?

Guess for this one I'll have to list it off, all of the guests on today's show really had me peed off. 

1) The sexual education of our children is needed, masturbation is NOT a dirty word, unless you are telling the world about it and subjecting your child to public humiliation.  Keep your sex life to YOURSELF, the children DO NOT need to be involved, nor do they want to be.  A fourteen year old should NOT be having sex, I don't preach virginity until marriage to my kids, but I always told them, wait until you are old enough to deal with the cosequences, and yes the good doctor was way too easy on those women.  Being brought up in an unternative home is not necesarily a bad thing, but those children were exposed to things that I at thirty- six wouldn't want to be exposed to.  And yet they continue to reproduce ? And the idea that it is a PRIVATE blog, NOTHING on the web is private, how many teenage boys are now hoping the daughter is just as easy as mom ? 

2) Buddy, grow up.  Cursing in every sentence is a sighn of a weak , and yes uneducated mind, if you have nothing nice to say then please shut up and stop subjecting the rest of us to it, I'm no saint, and yes I have said things I shouldn't, but it's not a habit, and I am sesitive to the other children around me, wait until your son says F*** you to his teacher. 

3) And as for the mom who dressed young, I think you were the only one today I could say YOU GO GIRL, I  have always said you know what, I'm thirty six, have had three children and I am still a size four, the other soccer moms are jealous, or at least the ones I'm exposed to are, if I want to show my midriff I will, but not at PTA meetings or parent teacher night, there are limits. 

4) GET A LIFE!!!!   Are you that weak and helpless that you cannot lift that massive bar yourself, and separate your groceries ? Are you that important, maybe the cashier should just roll out the red carpet for you ? 

I'm wondering too if doctor Phil is taking his examples from another talk show ( will remain nameless but I think most people will get it) that seems to deal better with this type of thing, except no chairs are flying around 

  

 
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April 13, 2006, 7:58 am CDT

Canadian Law

Quote From: dunnie06

If he is so in love with you,why couldn't he marry you before impregnating you?Love means COMMITMENT!!

Just to clarify, for the American public who may or may not be familiar with the laws in Canada, and for obviously the Teens in Canada who like to twist the law to suit their own ends and to justify their behavior. 

The Age of Consent in Canada is indeed ( as horrible as it sounds ) fourteen years of age, meaning a girl or boy of this age group can consent to sexual intercourse, BUT....... 

If anyone older than two years older ( Which means over the age of sixteen in this case, Sorry but some of these kids are having trouble with the math here ) has sex with a fourteen year old, it Statutory Rape, obviously there are parents out there that should be looking into this as well. 

Canadian Parents, if you are concerned, your fourteen year old brings home a twenty four year old, Daddy and Jounior should have a talk, and the local police should be called, you HAVE options 

 
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April 13, 2006, 7:18 pm CDT

04/13 Engaged Too Soon!

Quote From: judyblue22

I think the difference is the difference between people who choose to only cohabit once they marry and those who are more casual about cohabitation. Most of the people I know who have been successfully married did not cohabit with anyone but the person they married.  The people I know who lived together with someone and then married didn't marry the first person they lived with.

I agree, many of my friends who married successfully, did NOT live together before marriage, but I know many who have NOT lived together, and were divorced in a year.My "Husband " and I have lived together now for seventeen years with two children, and yes both children are his.  Do they know mom and Dad aren't REALLY married like their friend's parents, sure they do, we've never hidden that from them, and yet funny, they've never questioned our love for them, or the stability of their family, no big deal for us or our REAL friends, so it was no big deal to them.

My husband and I thought it was better to provide a stable happy home, and to look after our kids together, no matter what, whether we stayed together or not, that was our focus, not what family or friends thought, and you know it was funny, they did come around, maybe they didn't like it, but it didn't matter.

Now, that being said, My friends that went ahead lived together, then got married,well yes they are divorced, but why ?  In one case, once he figured, " great, she signed the papers, she can't leave, I now own her."  In another case, she thought "well we're married so NOW he MUST toe the line. "

I have nothing against mariage, but we have no plans to change things, and I think I worry less than my actual MARRIED friends.

Marriage just isn't my thing.  My advice though before planning to live common-law, here in Canada or in The United States, check with your provincial or state courts to find out if you need to register your status, especially if your plan on owning property or having children together, if for no other reason than to protect your own and the childrens rights.

Whether you choose to marry, or live common-law, it IS a commitment, and either way, both parties should do their RESEARCH into their local  laws and find out the ins and outs of both options before deciding, no regrets here about my decisions, so I don't need anyone preaching to me, or trying to change my mind.

 

 

thank You

 

 
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April 13, 2006, 7:58 pm CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: phoenie

Hi there! Im 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now.  I am currently a student and my boyfirend works.  We have been sexually active for 3 years now, and I want to know if u think we are ready for a baby.  I really want one now and have been trying to get pregnant even though my boyfriend doesnt know this.Please. . . . . . . I really need some advice. 

  

Phoenie from South Africa 

Are you REALLY willing to bring a child into this world to be resented by it's father ?  Why would you start your lives together with a lie ?

Having a child is a MUTUAL decision, or at least it should be.  If you are scared of him leaving you, guess what a child won't keep him there, and you know what else, if he dosen't WANT a child right now, bonding may NOT take place, and not only the child suffers, but so will you when he looks at you with contempt for trapping him into a situation he DID NOT WANT at the moment.  Twenty One, your biological clock is far from sounding alarms yet, you are a student, get out in the world, get a carreer first.

No I don't belive if you want a baby, just have one, it should be with the mutual consent of BOTH parties concerned, after all it is a LIFETIME commitment for BOTH parents, its not ALL about us ladies.

 
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April 24, 2006, 7:32 pm CDT

04/24 The Final Ultimatum

Please permit me to play the Devil's Advocate for a moment in defense of Ed. 

First off, men tend to be wired differently than women when it comes to child rearing.  They marry quicker after widowhood, especially when there are children involved, why ? Because they really don't know how to care for their children. 

Now before fathers ( and mothers) get up on their soapboxes, permit me this, I see MANY more women pouring over childcare books, or reading up on child behavior and potential problems.  The majority of the time, Mom is the primary caregiver of the children, Dad isn't ( and that IS NOT to say that fathers are not involved in their children , I am merely stating the reality of life , there are more stay home moms, than there are stay home dads ). 

So it is painfully obvious, no one chose to read, or seek the advice of a professional, on dealing with grief in children, this child had no time to grieve for the breakdown of her family, and then the car wrek and being thrust on a woman who was obviously harbouring resentment toward the child, then for this woman to be beating her ? 

But, Ed NEEDS to get out, and bring his daughter home with him, he NEEDS to learn to be a parent, but that being said, he NEEDS to work out his own issues of guilt, and grief BEFORE he can expect to be an effective parent to her, she needs him, but he is no good to her if he is going to blame her for the breakdown of his second marriage. 

At least Barbara was honest enough to admit on national television that she beat the child, and that she hated the child, maybe he needed to see that, who knows, but to her I would say, a six year old cannot vocalize her feelings effectivly, CHILDREN ACT OUT !!!! Behavior and temperment all suffer when a child is under undue stress, BEATIN A CHILD WILL NOT HELP, it will only make the situation worse, GROW UP, a child will repeat everything you DON"T want them to repeat at the worse times, you have a child of your own, you should know that, but I caught the comment about what a great disciplinarian you are, and I can only assume, your own child has felt the sting of the belt as well. 

To Ed I would say, what in god's name is wrong with you, and why the hell didn't you press charges for that ?Why did you not INSIST that your child be treated like you treat your wife's child ? She made it cleatr she wouldn't tolerate it, then why do you ? 

Because, men are scared of being alone, we women usually have other friends and family slose by to offer support and help, we are the ones who will seek out the doctors and books to help us, men are scared of asking, or have this naive notion that any woman is happy to raise a child from his first marriage, not all women are going to be thrilled with that, though with a second marriage, it might start out being just weekends, but as this case shows, tradgedy can and does strike, one has to prepare. 

Sorry for the ramble, just my thoughts on the whole deal, but the one who suffers most for it, is that child, she neither deserved it, nor did she ask for it, and it's about time someone took a stand for her, HER FATHER!!!!


 
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May 26, 2006, 9:11 pm CDT

Please Think about this

Quote From: khelifa

 Hello Dr phil 

my name is habiba, I'm a new comer in canada.i miss my family very much 

  

last few weeks, I had very hard experience.I gave birth of a little girl after a hard labour, forceps, c-section...I did not find my family who take care of me....I drawn in the post partum depression for 04 month......Now I start to feel that is mandatory to  stand up..to take care of myself, I always watch your show, it is very inspiring....you 'll notice that my english is not so good, but I try hard to undestand what  do you say..I hope  to regain my shape prior to the pregnancy... because the  bad body image lead to low self esteem and that one lead to more depression.... 

I was born here, and so I don't know how it feels to have no family in the country, but even different provinces can feel like a lifetime away. 

Go to your Doctor, we do NOT pay per visit in Canada, our provincial medicare covers that, assuming you have your provincial medicare is active, go and talk to your doctor. Post Partum Depression is NOTHING to ignore, please,I suffered more and more with each child, my first was bad, my second, after the last three months being bedrest and forced into breastfeeding twenty four seven, was alot worse and my third, I finally smartened up and made my own choices, and spoke to my doctor BEFORE the birth, was much better, well I just want to offer my support to you, Please seek out help, your body is secondary right now to your mental well being, when you feel good about what you are doing and who you are, then the weight will come off because you will be able to focus better, if you want to talk, contact me at cuddlecat6@hotmail.com, I really would like to see an episode of Post Partum Depression, because it is STILL not being taken seriously by some of the medical community, and by the public at large, for some of us having a baby is NOT the most joyus moment in our lives, and for some, the aftermath is NOT what they expected, added to that the extra weight and stretch marks, or a critical husband, well its a wonder we have any more. 

 

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