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Messages By: violetmay
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March 28, 2006, 12:24 am PST
 I don't know what to do.
My husband is addicted to porn. We haven't had sex in more than 6 months and when I approach him, he gently...but firmly...rebuffs me. We have a "nook" space in our bedroom where I have put a large antique mahogany secretary that I inherited from my aunt. He sets up his laptop there as soon as he comes home from work and spends the evening in front of it. The glass doors on the secretary act like a mirror, so if he sees me approaching, he quickly clicks over to a financial management page and tells me he is "monitoring our investments." But I'm not an idiot...I can see the "Hot Babes" icon in the task bar.
He recently went on a business trip and when he came back I found two porno DVDs in his briefcase and another six in the boot of his car. I'm sure you can imagine what that costs...but his birthday is next week and I don't have enough money in my household budget to buy him anything more than a cheap gift...a Tshirt or belt, maybe.
We've discussed this before, most recently in January, when I walked in on him masturbating in the shower. He agreed to stop, to dump the porn off his computer and turn his attentions towards me. Needless to say, he lied.
Two days ago, he took a nap and forgot to turn his computer off when he laid down. I checked it. He had porn sites in his "Favourites" folder and the history is just a huge list of porn sites going back to when he last cleared it. When he woke up from his nap, I brought up the topic.
We ended up having a huge fight. He agreed to take all the porn off his computer...and proceeded to start writing it to DVD!!! I am not ordinarily a person to scream and yell, but I did a lot of it that night and he ended up mad at ME because I was making him "waste money" because I would not allow him to copy the DVDs that he was agreeing to get rid of! At one point in the argument I asked if he had any idea how it felt to see that your husband preferred his hand and the images of a stranger over being intimate with his own wife. He replied "maybe you're right...maybe I do prefer my porn over marriage. I'll have to rethink this marriage thing." (We've been married 2.5 years, together for 4.5).
Today it is the elephant in the living room. He acts like nothing happened. He says he'll go to a therapist but I have to find the therapist and make the appointment (and I know him...if I don't do it, he surely won't).
I feel absolutely crushed, demoralized, hurt beyond even my own comprehension. I am ordinarily a strong, upbeat, positive kind of person, but now that feels like someone I used to know but may never know again. And I have no idea how to proceed from here.
Vi
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March 28, 2006, 1:33 am PST
Quote From: spiritwind Hi Violetmay ( and other interested persons ) :
As someone who provides advise on several antiSPYWARE forums, I have seen people who visit Porn sites get very bad spyware ( or worse ) on their computer . You should inform your husbands that this seriously jeopardizes the "health" of the computer and could be very expensive to correct . I just heard today in a computer security-oriented newsletter that a very bad malware is about to be released and people will get "infected" by going to "suspect" sites; even heard a "golf" site was a place to get infected, but the newsletter did NOT give the name of the site ( www.pcmag.com ) . Depending on how bad the "malware" spreads, Microsoft MAY release an Update earlier than Apr 11 !?
My husband is an engineer and he knows this very well. He's got all kinds of detection and cleaning software on his laptop to find and eradicate this stuff. He doesn't seem to care that there could be (probably are) malware programs that can evade his protective software.
But, after this weekend and finding out how little he cares about anything except his porn, doesn't really surprise me. Apparently, to him it is worth the risk. |
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March 28, 2006, 4:35 am PST
Quote From: kimikomine One thing to hold on to, and hold on tight, is to yourself. I know you feel like you have lost your strenght, upbeat, and positive way of life, but you have not. She is still in there and it is really important that you try your utmost best to surround yourself around people that honor and love you right now or you will sink into the throes of depression. And for what??????? Because your guy likes to look at porn? Think about how ridiculous this is?????? I did the same thing you did, immediately felt angry, jealous, turned off, and questioned myself ad nauseum.
The reason guys look at porn so much is because they have been told and conditioned to believe that it is normal and healthy to do so. They will swear up and down that it does not affect who they are or how they view women, especially the ones that are home waiting for them. They will tell you that they can go out with the guys and spend hours at a strip club checking out hot babes and then walk out as if it never happened. It seems to have no affect on them, or does it?
Porn has ruined many many marriages. Just like affairs, drinking, gambling and drugs, porn has the same potential. In your case, your husbands comments about wanting porn more then the marriage? My husband said the same thing. And you know what?????? I should have walked right there because it didn't only tell me he really likes porn, what it did tell me is that he has no care, none what so ever, about how I was feeling. Yours is doing the same thing. Don't let this emotional abuse change you. Let it make you stronger. Keep coming back. Kim Leaving is not an option...I would have to leave the country because I am here on a temporary residence visa and can't get a permanent one for a couple of more years. Even if that wasn't the case, I still would rather put up a fight than throw in the towel, but I just don't know where to begin.
I don't actually have anything against porn, in the abstract. Like alcohol or guns, it's not the object that is the problem here, it is how people use them. I feel like he is having an affair...he spends all of his non-work, non-sleep time immersed in the computer (he also plays porn DVDs on it, wearing headphones so I won't hear, and switches to a finance website when he sees me coming) just like a man who is having an affair would do with his mistress. He doesn't want to have sex with me but I have seen him masturbating in the shower! I find myself blaming myself...what is wrong with me that he doesn't want me anymore? What has changed? We used to have a very active, very imaginative sex-life...I can remember being barely able to keep my eyes open at work, he'd kept me up playing all night! That was only 4 years ago. yes, there was porn in his life then, too, but it wasn't a substitute for (or worse, preference over) a real live woman!
I just wish I knew what to do, where to begin, what to say? He told me today he'd rather be married and he'd swear off the porn, but that's not good enough. He's said that before and gone back to it when he thought my guard was down, and it doesn't address the real problem...he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing, he discounts my feelings (he keeps rolling his eyes when I tell him how hurt and rejected I feel) and when asked ANYTHING he either answers "I don't know" or just clams up. And as long as he fails to be able to touch the pain this is causing me, I don't see a permanent change in the future.
And I just don't know even where to go for help.
Vi |
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November 22, 2006, 11:13 pm PST
Quote From: lettiecs I am not sure how I feel about "unschooling". We know of only one family who are unschoolers, and those children are not doing too well on any level. The children place no value on commitments or deadlines; However, I don't believe that is indicative of the majority of unschoolers.
I am homeschooling my daughter for a number of reasons,but will detail only the major points. She did attend kindergarten in our school district and then we saw the need to do something different.
Our daughter was tested at a 2nd grade level when she was admitted to kindergarten. The teachers called me to a conference and said that my daughter actually tapped out the 2nd grade charts, but legally they could not test her any higher, nor were they allowed to place my daughter in the 3rd grade, which they believed was the level she should be placed at. So my child was in kindergarten where she was sent to 1st and 2nd grade classrooms for math, and reading. In doing this, she would miss out on field trips and recess time, which were scheduled for the times she was in the other classrooms. My daughter felt left out and lonely. She was never with other children as she was getting her teaching from a couple of para educators in the classroom,and not actually mainstreamed. She began to have severe asthma attacks and would be sent home from school. My daughter missed alot of school due to asthma and the need for a nebulizer machine, which the school could not administer to her.
Currently my daughter is on a 6th grade level, and if she were still in the public school, she would only be in the 3rd grade. This is a very social child. She has taken dance classes, gymnastics and is in taekwondo. She is also involved in a youth group at church.,and there is also a homeschoolinging organization in our area, which organizes sports activities and field trips as well as art and science cooperatives. Our daughter has many advantages over children who are in public schools. She does her studies in the morning and is usually finished by lunch. Then she helps me with the daycare children, and helps bake and clean, and of course, she gets to spend alot more time playing. She is getting hands on learning as well as book studies, and will most likely graduate at age 16.
The most important change that has taken place, is that my daughter no longer has asthma. She is a socially and emotionally well-adjusted child.
Whereas public school is not the right option for my daughter, that doesn't make it wrong for someone else. Each child is an individual with specific needs. Education is important and the options should be researched and weighed very carefully. Each parent has the responsibility to do what is best her their own children.
"Our daughter has many advantages over children who are in public schools. She does her studies in the morning and is usually finished by lunch. Then she helps me with the daycare children, and helps bake and clean, and of course, she gets to spend alot more time playing. She is getting hands on learning as well as book studies, and will most likely graduate at age 16. "
You say this like it is a good thing. As one who graduated early...in fact, I was skipped a grade in primary school...I can attest to the fact that it is not. We adults tend to forget (or ignore) the fact that children have their own society and there is precious little we can do to change it. To a kid, one year is a HUGE amount of time and represents a HUGE amount of difference. To be a year or more younger than your classmates can be an enormous dividing factor, especially in the teens. When your peers are taking driver's ed, you aren't old enough to get a permit. When the dating game starts, the girl two years younger than her classmates is perceived as a "baby" rather than a peer, especially if the parents give priviledges based on age rather than grade level. Worst of all, kids hate to be shown up by those younger than themselves...if you are 14 in a classroom of 16-years olds and you're making the best marks, you can just about count on being ostracised.
So your daughter may graduate at 16...then what? Think about what you are dooming her to (in my case I missed a lot of fundamental math when I was skipped a grade, a problem that haunts me well into adulthood) just so you can crow about how smart your daughter is. Then sit down with your school, work out an Individualized Education Plan (every school is mandated by the government to give each child a free and appropriate education...the IEP is the vehicle, worked out by parents and educators together), find ways to supplement her education at home if necessary, BUT PUT HER BACK IN SCHOOL WITH KIDS HER OWN AGE!
If you don't, she's the one who will suffer the consequences of your pride.
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November 23, 2006, 2:11 am PST
Quote From: laderrick It's really not surprising that most people today don't understand how anyone can learn what they need to know without schooling. It's also not surprising (to me) that most people don't realize how dangerous and insidious a notion it is that all of us need to be institutionalized in order to be successful, to get along, or whatever. That's one of the lessons schooling teaches best - and more successfully than almost anything else! Fortunately, it's simply not true. People can and do learn what they need to know without schooling. There are many successful, sociable, joyful people who are unschooled. I am the mom of two unschooled teens . We have never done any formal schooling. I didn't sit them down and teach them to read, or to write, or to do basic math, yet they learned, because those things were part of our lives. I didn't prescribe history or science lessons, yet they delved into both with a passion, because they found them interesting. We have played games for hours on end, watched oodles of television and videos, spent much of our time with friends, gone places, done all kinds of things, and just generally created an interesting, fulfilling life for ourselves. Both of them have found ways to make money, and have found mentors in areas where they especially wanted to focus. Best of all, they have enjoyed being free human beings all of their lives. So, for all of you who believe that children should not be allowed to follow their own path, or that the adults in their lives are irresponsible or abusive for choosing to unschool, what would you say to my two happy, healthy, successful unschooled teens? Do you hold it against them that they have been able to do whatever they wanted, and yet turn out just fine? "So, for all of you who believe that children should not be allowed to follow their own path, or that the adults in their lives are irresponsible or abusive for choosing to unschool, what would you say to my two happy, healthy, successful unschooled teens? "
I would say "I hope you aren't planning on being lawyers...or doctors. I hope you don't expect to get jobs as engineers or accountants or stock brokers. I hope you are prodigies in something creative, like piano, so you don't have to spend your lives working at jobs that do not require some kind of proof of education before you can be considered for employment. I hope a life as a blue-collar worker in an economy in which those kinds of jobs are rapidly dwindling, is in your life plan.
"Most of all, however, I hope you don't come to resent your mother when you finally realize that she did an utterly non-existent job of preparing you to be able to compete and succeed in the world you will be adults in, that instead of helping you get the credentials that will open the doors to your future, she sacrificed that future for the short term gain of giving you an irresponsible and "free" childhood."
And to you, Mother, I would say that with freedom comes responsibility and you have egregiously shirked yours. Your children cannot be considered "successful" because they have not yet flown the nest and succeeded in the unsheltered world that requires certain criteria...like a certain level of education...before even an interview will be granted. They have not yet taken their unschooled selves into the real world and found jobs that will independently support them...and eventually the families they will someday have.
Check back in 20 years and let's see just how successful a couple of kids become when they have no education and lack the credentials that employers require before they can be seriously considered for a job. And if you're going to try to tell me that there is more to life than jobs and money, don't bother...you well know they can't eat esoterics. They will need jobs to survive in the real world and the people who control those jobs want proof of the very education you have denied them. |
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December 9, 2006, 11:21 pm PST
The story hasn't aired yet, but I can sort of relate to Joyce's situation as described in the blurb about the show. Maybe something happened in the first Christmas of her marriage that turned her off to it? I was married to a man who berated me mercilessly for the money I spent (which was well within our ability to afford) on Christmas ornaments and a tree for our first Christmas. He insisted Christmas was "just another day" and often refused to buy presents and only joined in the festivities when seriously prodded to do so. I did Christmas every year for the kids, but his attitude permanently ruined the holiday for me. After 13 years, I divorced him (20 years ago) but to this day, I cannot summon up the joy I had in Christmas that first year we were married.
Maybe something happened in Joyce's first married Christmas that permanently spoiled it for her? |
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January 3, 2007, 1:34 am PST
Quote From: elvirus I just had to get rid of a jerk. I met a guy at a friend's birthday party and at first he seemed so nice and I thought I found my perfect mate but then after dating for a while, he started showing his true self. He had his own accounting business and also worked two days a week at a corporation doing their payroll. His wife had passed away about a year and a half ago. At first we went out to nice restaurants and ordered steak dinners and then as time went on it became 99 cent hamburgers. He was too controlling. Then he started noticing all the women who would walk by in the parking lot or on the street and let me know he noticed them by making all sorts of remarks like Ooooh and Aaahhhh and Wow Look at that. I asked him to stop and he said he would but then he did it whenever a sexy woman would come on television. So I finally had it with him and Iold him it was all over. Then he really blew his stack and kicked me out. I was visiting him in another town and I had to go stay with a friend because he got so mad and threw me out. At the corporation where he works, there is a young sexy secretary who is only 30 yrs old and he is almost 66 and he had to tell me all the time how he drools over her. I told him he could be her grandfather and he said he didn't want to be reminded of that. So anyway, I finally got rid of him and told him it was all over. He was very controlling in other ways, too. I'm glad i got rid of him but it is too bad he changed so much and began doing all those things. It all seemed so perfect before that. So, if you are going with a jerk or married to one, you will be better off without them. It's not worth all the trouble and pain they put you through. He didn't even want the secretary to meet a young good-looking chiropractor friend of mine because he was so jealous. I think if they could have met, they would have really liked each other but he screwed it up and didn't want them to meet. He wants to keep living in a fantasy land thinking he has a chance with her. There is no way she wants him but yet he didn't want her to meet the friend. I even showed her a picture of him and she was interested but he gave some sort of excuse that she does not answer the phone and so it would do no good to call. What kind of secretary doesn't answer the phone? I was once married to a man who was just the nicest guy in the world...generous, thoughtful, complimentary...until after I married him. I couldn't understand why he had changed, what I had done to turn that wonderful man into a cheap, controlling, emotionally abusive monster. After 10 miserable years I finally ended up seeing a therapist who helped me open my eyes...what she helped me realize is that HE WAS PRETENDING in order to get me hooked, after which he quit pretending and started being his real self. And there is no doubt in my mind that you have experienced the same thing. All the "nice" behaviour was for the purpose of hooking you, after which he could go back to being his own real self. Why? Because these kinds of guys have SERIOUS interpersonal problems...they need a whipping post, a dumping ground, and if you fall for their pretend personality, you get to be it!
How can you tell, early on, if a man is like this? You can't. You just have to be ready to ditch him as soon as the negative behaviours start. Don't beat yourself up and think it is your fault he changed...he didn't change, he's just showing his true colours. Remember, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince, so don't go into each date (or relationship) thinking "he's the One!" because the odds are against it. It's a numbers game...kiss a big enough number of frogs and eventually a prince will show up. I've found TWO since ditching Mr. Control Freak. Married them both (#2 after being widowed by #1, of course).
Don't waste your time hanging onto a jerk and trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...you need the time to kiss all those frogs so you can finally find the prince! |
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January 5, 2008, 9:41 am PST
Quote From: danikat2 Just wondering why there is no legislation on the books for cyber bullies. We certainly have it in place for someone who harrasses and threatens us in person. This, to me, is the same thing. A computer is easy enough to trace. Hold the harrassing person responsible; and if it's a child, hold the parents responsible, both legally and financially (court costs, etc).
Adults engage in this kind of behaviour as well. Please do not minimize the damage that can be done to a person's self-esteem...even a well-balanced person...when he is the victim of a cyberbully. Being attacked so often that you don't want to open your email for fear of another bash, having people who used to be your on-line friends turn against you because of lies, being held up for ridicule (or worse) can eat away at the emotional well being of the strongest person.
There was a case of a neighbour who posted pictures and telephone number of a little girl on kiddie porn sites and escalated to posting her address and a statement that she wanted to get rid of her virginity, It turned out to be vengeance on the part of the neighbour who didn't want the child, who had written "hello" on his driveway in chalk, on his property. The child and her parents were traumatized by the attention they got as a result of his postings!
It doesn't matter how strong you are, if someone takes it upon himself to destroy your reputation...on line or otherwise...if it goes on long enough, it begins to hurt. For kids who are still searching for their identities and feeling their way towards knowing themselves, this can be devastating. Remember when you were 14 and things that you now know are minor and will blow over, were just the end of the world to you.
Not only should legislation be implemented to prosecute these bullies, websites that allow this kind of abuse (by ignoring or refusing to take action on reports of cyberassaults) should be held liable as well. Right now, many of these places are like the Old West...completely lawless, without consequences, and ruled by the rudest, most aggressive and offensive users. That has to stop! |
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July 13, 2008, 11:25 pm PDT
Calling a woman a "cougar" implies that she is predatory and the young man is innocent prey. That cannot be further from the truth.
After a year of widowhood I put a personal ad on the internet. A significant number of my respondents were men under 30 (I was 54). I began a correspondence with a very thoughtful, intelligent man whom I assumed, due to the quality of his writings, to be in his mid 40s (about as young as I was willing to go). I was completely unimpressed with the men my age and older...they all had bitter beefs against their former partners, or were so wrapped up in their material successes that there was no man left, just money-grubbing machines. And a shocking number of them were just looking for vulnerable women they could exploit for sex.
So, this man who could write intelligently about life, philosophy and global politics, as well as his own life, captivated me. Eventually I met my internet correspondent and imagine my surprise at learning he was only 29! 18 months later he proposed and six months after that we were married. That was nearly five years ago and we are doing just fine.
My children are older than he is and have teenaged kids of their own. One of my kids is opposed to the relationship, the other one is pals with my hubby. His family and I get along fine, and his mother and I have become friends.
I love and respect my husband and he loves and respects me. It seldom occurs to me that he is younger and I don't see him that way...he is just my husband and a kind, thoughtful, loving man. I am sure there are women out there who fit the predatory image exemplified by the cougar, but it's unfair to stereotype all older women who date younger men as such. Good relationships are build on respect, love, and compatibility, not on superficials like looks or age. |
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August 3, 2008, 5:16 am PDT
Quote From: shadycat1 LOL, Wouldn't it have been HILARIOUS if she had learned enough French, to cut her MIL off at the pass, I mean PRIVATE lessons because I don't think Hubby would tell her the truth anyway. I remember this from the first one, and I have to say she fits the stereotype of a Quebecois very nicely (I'm not speaking of the average French Canadian, but how they are stereotyped ), so her fellow Quebers should be thanking her for perpetuating the Myth of them all be rude and crude toward English speaking people, she's almost lucky her son married an American, because French is compulsary in many Canadian Schools, we learn enough often, she wouldn't even try. Well I hope he made a decision he is happy with, one way or another. I had a similar mother-in-law. She not only found fault with me, she found fault with my husband because he was happy working with his hands and was not a self-made millionaire like his arrogant, insufferable brother. A native of Paris, she and the brother and his wife all spoke French...my husband never used it and had long forgotten what he had learned in early childhood. One evening the family had great fun saying rude things about me and my husband and laughing among themselves until, near the end of the evening, the brother became drunk and obnoxious.
I asked his wife if her husband was always so difficult and she replied "Only when he has had too much to drink,." It took her a moment to realize that I had asked the question in flawless French, and when it dawned on her, she at least had the good grace to blush beet red...the shocked and mortified look on her face was worth money! What none of them knew...because none of them were polite enough to inquire about me and my life...was that I minored in French was was employed by a local college as a French tutor.
Not another word of French was spoken in my presence over the next 12 years I was involved with that family! When my husband died, I cut them loose and don't feel I've lost a thing of value, including the diamonds and money she hinted would be in her will for me.
So I have to wonder...is this kind of arrogance common among European women? Or were Amanda and I just lucky?
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