Messages By: wordha

Just making a comment.  I will be turning 50 this year and even after all the therapy and self-help books and truely being a relatively successful person and willing to contribute to others when I can, it AMAZES me how I can still wonder if I'm a good person or not. 

It AMAZES me I can still hear my (now deceased) mother telling me I'm worthless. 

It AMAZES me that I still have to work at reminding myself that now that I am on the planet, I have every right to be here as the next person. 

It's true, doing a gratitude list, and finding ways to be thankful seems to be the best way to get your feet back on the ground. 

I still have to do that. 

i have posted before but will tell you my story. I was adopted by my aunt and unlce who had three boys all older then me. the one three years older decided that he would molest me or incest what ever you want to call it. He would come in to my room at different times. its was down stairs and so my adoptive mom didnt know what he was doing to me. He would rub me and every time he came in i felt dirty and ashamed. I was around 11 i think, i have blocked some of the stuff out since it was so painful. one day at the dinner table i blurted out what he had done to me. my adoptive mom just said STOP It. that was the last thing i heard of it. He treated me mean after that. They blame it on hormomes. What ever. i didnt realize it effected me until i got married and the intimacy that a husband and wife is suppose to have was not there. I felt used and dirty and the picture of my cousin doing that to me keeps coming up in my head. I cant seem to get rid of it. Thats how it has effected me. I live with this everyday. and makes me sick that he never owned up to it. EVen though i confronted the two older ones and they remember it happeining to me after the fact. and that they made light of it. It makes me sick to my stomach. anyway thats my story 

Blaze  

You cannot forgive  what can never be forgiven ,also it is very hard  to forget but he is dead now and why give him more control over your life.I suffered horible abuse from my father and my mom knew and didn't care.They are both dead now and can never hurt me again.To hate them is wasted effort.It has taken me 57 years to feel even a little safe but i know i am but almost everyday something reminds me of the abuse that happen to me.I would have taken my life years ago but i was a single mom and couldn't do that to my children.  

I understand how you feel i was abused as a child and everyone in our family knew and did nothing as i got older i feel like if this is a family i never want one you cannot forgive that which is unforgiveable.You have to be strong and a little anger helps it is better to know the whole  truth It is hard for me tothen you have nothing to fear he is dead what can he do now? If you face everything then the control or power you believe he had over you is gone he is 6 feet under never to return only if you let me my father told me i would never be free of him and he was right as long as i allowed him into my head.It is very hard to forget something so vile but you can control what you let into your life. For me once my parents died i had such a sense of freedom. It is hard for me to believe in God because fof what i went through so that didn't work for me but it might help you.I hope this helps.I am in my 60,s and still have bad days. 

if 

I think abuse happens more than people know......I was abused and tried to tell my mom on many occasions over the years......then I married an abusive man (3x)...had lots of jobs with male employers that I could not get along with and didn't know why until therapy.....my mom kept telling me I couldn't come home and find a way to get along with my husband (even though she had a large home with lots of room)....I went to the base psych. and they told me it was me....that I should admire him for what he is doing for his country(not that he drinks and beats the living daylights out of me....thank goodness military psych.has changed some what).....finally now that I am over 50 I told my siblings and talked again to my mom....well why didn't it happen to us....I think it did....several drink to get through the day....one thinks they deserved it.....anyway...I was told to confront my parents....so I did....alot of good that did....I was told I was just jealous.....that they didn't want anymore problems now they are retired.....he said he was the best father he could be.....none of my family talks to me anymore (cause it didn't happen) so I have made my own new family 

the main thing I wanted to tell everyone is people say why didn't they leave the situation?    I had alot of children and no way to take care of them......the shelters available were always full....and I found help from the social service organizations frustrating , too little available, and it came too late........ 

got help from a psych......but that didn't help my own children who went through alot.....I think churches , organizations,and individuals need to put alot more help out there.....it happens more than the polls say and alot of people loose family if they tell...... 

I was molested and raped by my step-father from the ages of 2-16 yrs of age. When I was about 8 yrs old I remember telling my Mother what he was doing to me and my friends. she asked me to show her what he was doing, I did and her reply was thats ok Daddy loves you. How sick is that? And still to this day she is with him and always will be. How do I let go of my Mother? For years I have tried to let go of her and move on I JUST CAN'T why? My step-father also molested his real daugther too. I haven't really gotten theraphy for this because I guess I'm afraid to face it, I'm not sure. Many times I feel the need to tell my so called Mother the way I feel, but I just can't find the nerve. It is so hard for me to speak up. I have confronted my step-father on the abuse and he claims he is sorry, but to me that was fake and it isn't enough. I feel I need to be face to face with them both to tell them how much hurt they have caused in my life. Than maybe I can finally move on in my life. What should I do? Thanks EVERYONE for lending an ear.

                                                                                  *hugs*

                                                                                    WENDY

I am 66 years old.  I work part time at a job that I really like.  My problem is I am taking 2 xanax every night to go to sleep.  When I get home from work I seem to sleep the rest of the day.  I  feel like a sluggard and it is all my fault because I obviously must be plain lazy.  i feel so guilty I just hid this note from my husband. Could this problem be because of the xanax.

thanks for any help you can give me.

I know I'm not the only one...but sometimes it seems that way. I was reading these posts and couldn't believe I was reading my own story! And the mother "thing"...not being protected...being blamed...that's just as hard as the abuse. I was sexually abused from about the age of 3 from my father. My mother found out when I was 14 and accused me of trying to seduce my father. (I didn't even tell her how long it had been going on...she never would have believed me.) I was treated like an outcast from that day on, still to this day. I was called a liar and even crazy. I'm 55 now and it still has a profound affect on my life. I don't know what "normal" is...normal sex, normal affection...the difference between affection and lust or what is "going over the line?" I've been accused of being crazy again by boyfriends because I just don't "get it." I never found one who would help me try to get over this. I'm in a reationship now and he refers to it as "my problem," that I have to get over. His whole attitude is "get over it." Well, gee, what does he think I've been trying to do my whole life? When he acts this way its like my parents all over again, standing over me when the abuse was exposed, accusing me and demanding my silence and telling me I was crazy. That's what I feel he's doing. He just doesn't understand that I need his help. 

Anyway, I'm glad to see Dr Phil has this board here. I've been searching for somewhere to talk about this and to find others who know what I feel and who understand. Thanks for listening.

Hello Holly,

I Thank You! for posting a response. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through as a child. I remember my Mom telling me that also "It Is Your Fault" she claimed. Well we both know it wasn't our fault and we did not deserve what happen to us. A couple of months ago I confronted my step-father over the phone and he appoligized and FINALLY! admited what he did to me. It was a BIG relief and I finally feel I can move on now. I'm still going to get theraphy for this because it is a struggle sometimes, with the nightmares and flashbacks. I want you to know I'm here for you Holly or anyone else if you need to talk.

                                                                      Take Good Care!

                                                                             Wendy

Oh God that must've been awful, being slapped in the face. I wasn't slapped, but I might as well have been. My mother is also in total denial of my childhood...its like she's rewritten it.  I've tried to get her to talk about it or even acknowledge it and she always acted like she has no idea whatsoever what I'm talking about. But, two years ago I was beaten up by my alcoholic brother. (There again, denial...because they act like he's a fine upstanding citizen!) I haven't spoken to him since and have really suffered serious setbacks since that happened. My mother pesters me to "forgive" him and acts like what he did was nothing. One day she said to me sarcastically, "You can't forgive him but you forgave your father!" (I guess that's what she thinks because I stayed silent like I was ordered to and pretended everything was okay to keep peace in the family!) She went on to say, "I never will! I'll never forget what it did to me!" That's the first time she has ever acknowledged it really did happen. But it happened to her not me! I haven't spoken to her either since that conversation. I just can't. it blew me away.

Anyway, thanks for the reply. it helps to know you're not alone. I hope you're doing okay.

Linda