Messages By: ceross54

Well Kristen. hello. your page is quite long for me so honestly, i haven't really read it full. just skimmed right through. but i read (correct me if i'm so wrong..+) )that you're feeling quite confused right now. Well, so am I. Sometimes I really would like it that my parents and my siblings and me would stop making each other's day gloomy- every single time we get together. But I guess the only fruitful thing I can get out of the situation is think UNgloomily. At times it works Sometimes it doesn't. Atleast for me. . .I just try my best to accept whatever that is that makes me feel uncomfortable, even irritated or angry. I make Peace with myself by not succombing to other else's frustrations about this world. Sure it's hard! especially to relate to people that makes me feel bad. And as much as possible I move as far away from them --like what i do when my father's around. He's very dominating, you see. An overt controller. I already gave up being right infront of him, and instead accept everything he says (say yes and yes and yes) just to avoid arguments. Arguments are what makes us father and daughter for the last 20 years that i can recall. Never was there a productive, calm, soothing, pleasant talk that we have. Always in low-spirits. Which i know is not good. that's why as much as possible i prevent undesired circumstances from happening. Prevention is better, I think. and it works for me. I am less hateful now. hehe. 

  

  Well, i guess i had wrote not only to just post a message here to you but also so i could  reach out. to people í barely know like you but is as human as i am. with their own troubles, griefs, happiness,  contenment, dream of a beautiful smooth-sailing life. I too needs a friend. (who doesn't?) i just  migrated here in sydney, and to tell you the truth, it's quite lonely here. haha. Except for the times that i see a compassionate face --which may be our librarian neighbor whom i got to meet once i visited the local lib. or a face i met while strolling somewhere) It's just that I think the way to make friends-- especially like i who's not very comfortable with relationships that are too 'deep'ly attached-- is to consciously find a friend in strangers. A smiling, polite banker, for example, could easily be a friend if i'd just try talking to him about whatever comes to mind. Well, that works for me. It helps me from feeling so alone and deserted. I do not presume though that you are like me. For we are all different in our own majestic, meaningful way! All i'm saying  is that whatever you do in life: Never, Ever loose that LOVE you have INSIDE of you.  Coz i believe you are very much capable of loving, as any body else is. 

  

thank you for reading kristen. and i hope i could be a real friend to you. who knows? right? Godbless. Hope only for the best in life, and you'll have just that! See you around, i hope. bye! 

     What i think about friends is that it helps you find your self within the friendship.  

  

     Once, i discovered, that i could really cry infront of a friend. (sound silly?) But i am a very rigid, unfeeling a person that i am afraid to show others, even my own set of friends, of what i truly feel. I was growing up believing that i should not trust any one with how i feel because that would render me vulnerable. And i don't want for others to think i am helpless. Deep inside though i am as weak as a dying tree. It felt empty. But then when i try finally succombing to the close and more honest company of friends that I had never felt so alone again.I can tell her (or them) what my frustrations are, or  those little, amazing moments that happen just as easily. There is that nice feeling of being free atlast from my shell, where i have long been hiding from every one. I learned that I can change. And somehow be also of a help to a friend when they too are in trouble. 

  

     I guess from social, distant friendships that i had i had finally learned how to communicate. It is hard at first. Especially the part wherein I also try to be honest with what i really feel. But God has his own way of doing things, that in time i finally learned to be true-- both to myself and others.  

  

     It is this transforming kind of friendship that keeps me on my feet now, planted on the ground deeper than before. 

     I am not sure how to start this...i am just 20 years old and i don't know this life as much as you do, as a caring mum, and as a wife. But somehow because i could see my own parents in you experiencing almost alike things, i just felt i have to tell you my story. 

  

     My older sister died 3 weeks after she was born. Because in the Philippines good hospitals are few, my mother and my grandparents have to settle for the nearest clinic for my sister to be born. My father was at work out of town, and when he heard the news he crammed to come back as soon as possible. But too late. my sister had died due to pneumonia. He was blaming his own parents (and also my mum) for that unwise decision. they could've sent my mother to the city. A year later i was born. Months after i was given up to my grandmother and with her i stayed for a long 12 years. 

  

     Since then, as far as i could remember, after i had finally settled into my own paren't house and be with my other 4 siblings, my parents have always been quarreling. My father is the only one employed. My mother stays at home and take care of us.  We are a Big family. Years passed and the same troubling thing keeps on coming.  

  

    My father has been to so much outside relationships. A lot of crazy affairs. And once for 5 years he really did finally abandoned us. He managed to give us a part of his wages, but the thing is, it wasn't enough. We were all going to private schools and we got no other means of income. Plus the fact that i see my mother crying and feeling so depressed everytime... 

  

    It was simply terrible to see my own mother in pain. She, for awhile, was not her own self. She feels so useless. Incapable of doing the simplest of tasks like cooking meals. Somehow, then i thought she's going mad. But the God was good to keep her sanity at bay. and to keep us her kids still living. My father really LEFt us for another woman. And what's worse is that he sort of blames it to us. That we weren't loving enough. caring enough. Appreciative enough. But you know, he doesn't have to leave us feeling so unworthy of our selves? He doesn't even let me go to the university where my mother had graduated (reasoning, that he doesn't want me to be like my own ''weak'' mother. In years i had believed my mother is really Weak as he said she is. And angry at him all at the same time. The only relief i got is by rebelling. I went on with my university studies to that same school he loathed. And stayed in the dormitory so i could get out of my troubling family life.  

  

     There is when i found peace like i never knew before. My grandma always calls. And i see her 2 or 3 times a year during vacation. But my own family haven't change. 

  

     I have not graduated in that university. I was supposed to graduate last last week but my father suddenly accepted a job here in Australia and we went. The woman whom my father left us for 5 years suddenly died out of heart attack. And i thought then, maybe we really have a chance of starting over as a family. Months later, after all the buzz of relocating here in a new country did i realize the same things that we left there keep on HUNTing us.  

  

     From an e-mail my mother discovered my father left back home a pregnant woman. Another of his shitty affairs. And of course, I am angry again. And my mother still cries. But i guess i tend to cry more. But i know she must be feeling worse having been deceived a second time. He said he would change. He even suggested we all start going to church? But he seem to cannot help producing more hurts than there already was. What's torturing me more is that in front of every body else he is the family man. The good, concerned father and husband to my mother. To others he is perfect! While at home, he just keeps on controlling us like we have not any right to do how we want to get some things done. Like laundry. It's silly, isn't it. And i can't take this anymore. Atleast he stopped hurting my mother the time i went living with them. He started hurting me instead. I am so vocal with my feelings that he can't take it. But now what i do is give him the silent treatment. It's hard not talking to him. trying not to ,look his way. Or not react when he's angry over me or my sisters, and remain as if deaf and blind. I don't know what to do really. I need help. And my mother firmly decides not to go away and give him up because she believes we cannot make it on our own. My youngest twin sisters are 15. I know they too are suffering. They don't talk. As if they are afraid that whatever they'll do or would say would anger my father. 

  

     Like right now, he just slammed the door infront of me. But I ain't talking to him. Not in my life. I hate him so much i can't bear to hear his voice. I don't know how much longer can i take this. I already tried doing things i never did before. I bought cigarettes. Could you imagine!? I bought cigarettes because i needed some kind of relief!! 

  

    I need help. Could anyone here help me. And i thought i could help you dear. . . i'm sorry. 

  

   I think that inside the house, and especially in front of young children, sex talks should be fairly limited. And never so vulgar like how margaret does-- showing off her sex toys?! It's crazy. I agree she needs help.  I believe though that we all have to be open-minded about it. When the kid is no longer a kid, and is mature enough maybe he can know the "sacredness'' of sex, within a marital context. It is so precious a gift from God that it is just not so fair going about it as literally ridiculous like some people do with it.