Messages By: msbrill2

Many years ago I dated a guy who was into porn. Pornographic magazines, films, pornographic movie theaters. And he had the mentality. He once took me to a porno movie. He made it clear he was more interested in what was going on with the screen than he was with me. He had his hat on his lap, and that is all I'm going to say. The experience was degrading. It was as if I was not enough and he wanted me to feel bad about it, and I did. He was very very controlling, and yet he needed the outside source of his pornographic entertaiment to be "interested" in me. If I wanted to leave, he would convince me anyone else I ever saw would use me. He obviously had a different name for what he was doing to make using and controlling me "okay", which it wasn't. I got fed up with this man, got fed up with his endless put-downs, his negativity. I left him and didn't care about what he didn't like about me or what I did or didn't do with my life, because he was totally against my pursuing my college degree. Years later, I read a book by Dr. Barbara DeAngelis that if you need an outside source to feel attracted to someone you are cheating on your partner. Dr. DeAngelis spoke straight to my heart when I read that. My answer to the how porn affected our relationship? It ruined a relationship I regret I ever being in in the first place. The man I saw who indulged in pornography was selfish, sexist, controlling, cruel, hypercritical, slimy and sick. I am sure there are men who are far more healthy than this man was who also look at pornography, I am seeing a great guy, and he does not look at pornography. I am what he needs and he accepts me exactly the way I am. He loves me and respects me as a friend and loves me like a woman, not an object. We separated for a long time and saw other people, then we got back together a year ago. I learned to set a firm limit on someone who watches porno books, magazines or films. I will refuse to be involved with someone who looks at porn, and I refuse to have it in my home. I will also re-evaluate why I am wasting my time!

Ever since Junior High, I have always believed that no matter how nicely you dress, no matter how much you keep yourself thin (note I didn't say "in shape"), if you're a female, how much spackle you put on your face, or any other outer accoutrements of "beauty", people are going to treat you exactly the way they feel like treating you. There MIGHT be a glimmer of hope they MIGHT treat you a LITTLE more regally, but don't count on it. Some people will disrespect someone no matter how good the other person looks. Sometimes some people will disrespect that person is getting all the goodies and they're not, and they will try to hurt the one they perceive as "gorgeous", by stealing their things, destroy their property, smear their name, start a severe argument with their best friend or partner, hurt their dog, you name it. Then they justify hurting "Mr. or Ms. Gorgeous". If someone has improved themselves, like working out and losing weight, coloring their hair, clearing a bad acne condition, creating a new wardrobe, by all means that should be something to be admired and revered. A friend who complains is obviously jealous and obviously very self-effacing. Hopefully the former will see the pettiness as it is and ignore it and keep doing the positive things they're doing.

When Colin and his wife got on the show because of Colin's temper, it brought me back to the never-to-be forgotten memory of my father's temper growing up. It was explosive. He hit me, called me names, humiliated me in front of the rest of the family. Once he kicked a big hole through my bedroom door.

The door incident happened because I was getting confirmed from my synagogue (I was 16) and we had a discussion over my using pencil to write my thank you notes for the people who sent me presents. He was sitting at his place at the kitchen table, which was on the far left end of the table, facing a sliding door to the balcony on that floor. He wanted me to write the notes in pen. I said, "What difference does it make whether I use a pen or a pencil? I'm getting the thank you message out, aren't I?"

With that, my father quickly got up from his chair, and he acted like he was on fire. I knew what was coming, because he was coming after me to physically attack me. I ran upstairs to my bedroom and tried to block him from coming in by closing the door on him. I wanted to close the door and lock it so he couldn't come in, but he wedged the door with his foot as I was trying to close it. He wanted to get in my bedroom so he could assault me and kick me. This was a common thing for him to do when I activated his rage, a rage I was constantly at blame for activating.

He unexpectedly kicked a hole through my bedroom door, close to the bottom of the panel. I quickly realized the door wasn't a solid wood, but two plywood panels in a frame. He succeeded in getting into my room, kicking me and yelling at me, but we were also laughing at the same time. He fixed my door. He was very embarrassed he did it, and while I don't know what he told my mother and my other three sisters about it, probably a lie, he replaced my door. There was this unspoken implication I wasn't supposed to tell my mother and sisters why the door had to be replaced so I wouldn't embarrass him.

Believe this or not, I grew up thinking my father's behavior was normal. I wasn't supposed to talk about it. I was even warned by one of my sisters on the day we buried him after he died unexpectedly of a heart attack one month after his 65th birthday, not to discuss his abuse and his temper outside of the family "because we were private people". I didn't say anything to her, but I didn't buy it. In an earlier time my anger at his violent attitude would have been unaccessible to my because of guilt, fear, worry. Those three emotions--guilt, fear and worry were eroding my self-esteem like a Chinese water torture.

So Colin, if you think this is "okay" or "normal", read my story and think again. My mother should have considered my father's violent temper before she married him too. My Grandparents had their doubts, obviously. My father lost his father when he was six and didn't know about it until one week later. His mother went to work as a bookkeeper, and she hated it, but she needed to support her daughter and son. And this was during The Depression. There were no support groups my Grandmother could go to, no therapy for her self or her children, all because being a single parent due to divorce or widowhood was "unheard of". Neither were child abuse, alcoholism, family dysfunction. They were all hush-hush and kept private in the family. People pretended these issues didn't exist, and then these same people complain about "The Good Old Days", when life was a Norman Rockwell painting! Please.

In my home my father's word was The Final Word, so when he insulted me, I thought his insults were The Final Word. He called me Stupid, a Bitch, a Schmuck (A Yiddish term meaning a despicable person), he grounded me from my music, he physically assaulted me, all because he felt entitled to.

When he died, I was very hurt, but I also remembered the abuse. I got therapy so I could deal with my own anger at that, and recognize the insane behavior for what it is. Dr. Phil, I thank you for the times you get abusive people on your show, because it helps me to stop blaming myself for the abusive people in my own life.

I know someone in my condo building who is a pack rat. He can't even stay in his own place because it is a sea of papers. He also has two cars filled with the same.

He picks out of garbage cans, and even though he lives in a good condo, he lives like he is homeless. It's disgusting. He has some certifiable problems.

To think my parents hired this guy to tutor my sister on her academics!

You mention someone on your show about someone who has a dark secret, and that involves porn and maybe even something more sinister. You ask whether or not you would stay with someone who was keeping secrets or doing porn.

My answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I have experience with both scenarios in my relationship history. I was involved with someone who watched porn, and he even took me to a pornographic theater. It was too painful to be there. It meant he needed much more than I could give him, and he made it clear I never measured up.

I also dated someone who was a heavy marijuana user. He was divorced with two daughters. They were under ten at the time. I asked him repeatedly if his daughters knew about his pot smoking, and he said they knew, but I didn't think to question him further.

Then one day he told me something that led him to leaving my apartment directly the next day, never to see him again. This is what he said to me, word for word, verb for verb:

"My ex-wife and her new husband were smoking marijuana in front of Belinda and Margaret. They were curious, so their mother let them try some. Belinda (age 5 at the time) and Margaret (age 8 at the time) came home high, and I told my ex and her husband to get them to sober up when they got home. Belinda doesn't like marijuana. You see, Margaret and Belinda are very sophisticated.

In order to help Margaret get over the divorce, I have been feeding her marijuana two weeks for a year."

I had been seeing him for four months by that time, and this was the first time I ever heard that! We had an argument about it, and he left the next day.

People were asking me, "What else was he doing with her?" "How else was Fred treating Margaret like an adult?"

Well, I completely understood the question, and the implications behind those questions as well, and I didn't know, but putting two and two together wasn't hard.

Marijuana is a relaxer and and loosens inhibitions. Forgive me for doing your job there, Dr. Phil. A high adult, a high kid, he's a male, she's a female, he wants a creative way to teach the facts of life..

That thought occurred to me too.