Messages By: stratisf

I really think that Christy and Michael's situation was an unfortunate miscommunication, and one I hope that they can clear up. A lot of people on the discussion board seem to be demonizing Michael as "just another jerk" who wants his wife to attain an unrealistic ideal weight. But it seemed to me that he wasn't a jerk... a jerk would have just left his wife, or would have cheated on her. It seemed that he really wanted the right thing, but was just going about it the wrong way. He was communicating in his way, saying that her weight was a problem for him, he was being honest and straight-forward, and ultimately that is a good thing, to be open and discuss those issues, however, he may have gone about it the wrong way, which made Christy feel ugly, undesireable and destroyed her self-esteem. I don't believe, as some of you do, that a man or a woman should just blindly accept their partner at whatever weight they are. Personally, if my loved one, any loved one, were grossly obese or were smoking or were drinking to excess (anything that was detrimental to their health, anything that would possibly reduce the time I could spend with them here on earth) I would not stand for it and readily ask them to become more healthy, lose the weight, quit smoking, or drinking, start working out and eating healthy. I think there was an element of fear for Michael too... not only in that he was projecting his own fears and disgust about letting himself go onto his wife, but also the fear of not getting the wife he loved back (even as simple as just that he loved to look at her and feel her)... or losing her all together. She would always say that she had tried to lose weight, but he'd point out how she had cheated numerous times on her diet. This action seems nit-picky and controlling, but I don't think the intentions behind it were to keep pushing her down, I think it's just he didn't know any other way to get his loving message of  "please take care of yourself because I couldn't live without you" across. Or even, "I hate seeing you unhealthy and miserable and sad", even though those comments were just making her more sad and miserable. 

Ultimately, my point is that I don't think we should turn a blind eye to the obesity problems of our loved ones. Yes, people who are fat probably already know that, but if you truly care about someone and you see them doing something harmful to their health, you should try to get them to stop. How you encourage someone to take control of their health is probably specific to that individual, so I have no furth advice other than to say that there should never be belittling involved, and it should be stressed that love is the motivating factor, and love is the reason behind it, not disgust or meaness, which Michael clearly failed to do. Had he said more things like, " I really love you so much and want you to be around for me and the kids, I'd be destroyed if I lost you at an early age, please let me help you in whatever way possible to take care of you" then maybe there wouldn't have been this gross miscommunication. 

I understand what I am going to say is not the popular opinion, but I feel really strongly about it. I think that the biggest problem in these types of situations is labeling these boys as "victims". The same can be said for teenage girls in similar situations. I think that when we are talking about molestation... like a teacher molesting a minor, the age should matter less than sexual maturity. I think that everyone (including Dr. Phil) thinks way too much in black and white on this issue and ignores the many shades of grey.

I understand that I have these opinions because I do not have children, but when Dr. Phil calls an almost 16-year old boy a child, it really makes me feel uncomfortable and like he's being WAY to narrow minded. Personally, I was an early developer and was very precocious, and I worked at a Fortune 500 company when I was fourteen years old. I looked fully mature and acted mature as well. I lost my virginity when I was 14, to a boy my age. We dated for a year, felt that we were in love at the time, and when we were ready to have sex I went to the gynecologist and had an exam and went on birth control. I feel that I acted responsibly and maturely, even at age 14. I felt like an adult then, I had adult responsibilities, and I was as mature if not more mature than many adults. From the ages 16-17, I worked at a company where they only hired people 21 and up. They made an exception for me, but everyone I worked with, besides my boss, did not know my age. There were two co-workers that I almost had a relationship with, and actually, both of them knew I was 16. They were in their 20s. I don't think that there would have been ANYTHING wrong or weird about that. We were on the same level, it would have been something that I wanted to do (it would not have been forced on me), and I still don't view myself as a "child" back then. I really felt like an adult and I STILL feel like I was an adult. Even at 16.

At 16, I had a relationship with someone who was 27, but he thought I was older, because we were drinking in the same bar when we met... so I must have been at least the drinking age, and  I lied about my age as well as having a fake ID. I still don't feel like a victim of anything, I chose to be with that person and pursued it, just like these boys pursued a relationship with their teachers and I think it is sad how society is now making them feel really bad and "dirty" for what they thought was really fun and acceptable at the time. I also grew up with a girl who developed breasts at 9 and had her period at 10 years old. She had older brothers who would take her out. By the time she was 13, she was hanging out with some older people, because they all thought she was older, and she willingly lost her virginity to a 20-something year old guy. I still to this day, don't find anything wrong with this situation, and neither does she. When you are on an even mental playing field, emotionally and maturity wise, I don't think there is an issue... and I don't think that AGE dictates when that is... I think there are many factors that go into sexual maturity besides age and I am disappointed that as a psychologist, Dr. Phil really overlooked that and didn't give it any consideration. Just so you know, that girl eventually went to college and is now in medical school and is fine. I don’t view the guy she was with, or the guy I was with as sexual predators at all, and I’m glad that they weren’t put in jail and that I wasn’t made to feel a victim, when all I did was something I wanted to do and was ready to do. I do wonder, however, if things would be so okay for us if someone had stepped in and put these men in jail and made us feel like victims. We  might then have doubted ourselves, our  judgment, and really felt horribly, when we felt just fine in the first place about it.... just like these boys felt fine about it until there was some intervention from society telling them that they were a part of a perverse act. How do you think THAT is for development? To think that your feelings and the decisions you made were wrong... because the boys DID make the decision to sleep with these teachers, they were attracted to them and felt good. Why should we tell them that it is WRONG? What is wrong about it? Two sexually mature (meaning in physical development) people are attracted to one another and want to have sex. Who cares what the age of one is? It's not like we are talking about a child that hasn't gone through puberty... and it's not like we're talking about a teacher who said, "If you don't have sex with me, I'll give you a bad grade". They were consenting, and I just hate that somehow these teenagers cannot be consenting adults. Why can they have sex with each other all the time then and get pregnant? Why can they have sex with each other and cheat on each other without anyone going to jail? Should a 16-year-old girl go to jail because she cheated on her 16 year old boyfriend and he committed suicide because of the heartbreak? I don’t think that the heartbreak that this boy experienced is any worse pain and suffering than if it happened with a girl his age. I think we should teach teens to be sexually responsible and mature at the RIGHT age, which is when their bodies start being ready and wanting to have sex.

I don't view these women as sexual predators. I similarly wouldn't view a 20-something-year-old man who was with a mature teen (meaning that their bodies are sexually mature... they have gone through puberty and LOOK like adults) as a sex offender.

In the history of the world and even of our culture, it has not been unusual, except in recent years, to view 14 year olds and up as adults. Many of them look sexually mature at that age and act it as well. Some 14 year olds are very immature... and as we saw, some 24 year olds (like that first lady) are VERY sexually immature and inexperienced. I mean, even movies in the 80s... like Fast Times at Ridgemont High had the older 20-something-year-old brother fantasizing and trying to get with the 16 or 17-year-old girl coming out of the swimming pool, flashing her breasts to everyone in the audience. Are men who find that exciting and want to have sex with her perverts? If so, we should lock up all of the male population.

Sorry that this was so long, but I am sick of hearing about this, and I think society is being really closed-minded, not seeing any shades of grey, and is causing more harm than the acts themselves by making such a big deal out of it.

I totally side with the cheapskate husband. Why does anyone need to buy name-brand peanut butter? They all are made of the same stuff! Especially if they are trying to save some money. I think saving for a rainy day (like when their car needed some repairs) is the mature and responsible thing to do and she should really be happy that her husband is looking out for their long-term goals instead of squandering away their money on frivolous things like most Americans do.. and then wind up in debt. If the wife wants more money to buy herself things then she can go get a job and use a portion of her earnings towards buying herself whatever luxuries she feels she needs. I don't know why she was so snobby about buying at Good Will, but I found it really obnoxious that she is "above" Good Will. Good Will has some great stuff. Oh, but he should probably get rid of that motorcycle and instead buy something they can both enjoy together. And in all fairness, as much as I praise him for being responsible, he needs to realize when he is being a scrooge (like not buying presents for the kids or a wedding ring for his wife).

Now... where Carlena is concerned... wow, I don't even know what to say. What a SPOILED BRAT! She needs to experience some form of struggle, or just simplicity, to realize what matters in life, she needs to see what is really beautiful and special about herself and about others and realize that it is definitely not the material things. What she is looking for, money cannot buy, and the sooner she realizes that, the sooner she will get herself out of debt... or at least stop going further into debt. Maybe a trip into the woods for a while, or a few weeks at some boot camp would break her down and make her appreciate the good things around her which would fill that void in her life that she tries to fill with all of that stuff!

There must really be a lot of lonely and miserable people out there trying to fill themselves up with all of this stuff. Where did they learn this behavior? Didn't we all grow up watching Sesame Street and Disney Movies and so forth which teaches us to be kind and to share and all of those good warm and fuzzy American values? I didn't, but don't a lot of people grow up going to religious services and so forth which teach them to be giving to others, to be humble, and to value goodness above all material things? Weren't some of these kids boy scouts or girl scouts and had to rough it in the woods and learn to find their inner strengths rather than show off the latest trends?

When did everyone's values shift so dramatically? Why can't people find happiness in simple things anymore? Where did this come from?