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Messages By: sparkywita

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September 13, 2006, 3:21 pm CDT

Telling your child a secret

Hi there

 

About eight years ago I met a man and had a brief affair with him - I was married to my ex husband at the time (something I'm not proud of) but the marraige was over anyway.  I became pregnant  by the man I had an affair with and had my son.  I told my ex husband when my son was 2 that he was not his father - he accepted it and considers my son his own son.  I am in a terrible dilemma as I do not know whether to  tell my son about his biological parentage and it has caused me to put up barriers between myself and him.  I love him so much and could not bear to hurt him but at the same time I feel tremendous pressure in holding the lie.  Can somebody please throw some light on this and advise me what to do....

 

 

Thank you so much and God Bless you.

 

 
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September 13, 2006, 3:31 pm CDT

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Quote From: ccmanuel6

Hello all, I just thought this was quite the place to start writing. Why? I guess it really hit home with me and made me realize my own legacy. I grew up in a large family of 5 brothers and 4 sisters. My legacy of course begins with my mother who was raised by her grandmother. She is very caring but doesn't always show it. My mother was and still is a determined, strong woman. She always provided for her family. She worked as long as I can remember. She was determined to get her driver's license in her early forties and got it. She worked as a Community Health Representative for over 30 years and spent a great deal of her time away at workshops. Believe me she has been a great role model in regards to determination, strength and independance. All my sisters are the same and so can you imagine? So am I. I have two daughters of my own, and one step daughter. 

  

 I think what I am worried about is all that was provided for me, I am providing the same for my children.  

 I have either worked or attended school and finally achieved a Bachelor of Education, and this has been since my children were in pre-school. This is my first year to stay at home to be a mom and wife. My daughters are now 18 and 16 and I see the results of the legacy. Ouch, my daughter whom is 16 is a reflection I see of me when I was her age. She is struggling big time finding her place. I can remember doing that. I never had a relationship with my mom until about 8 years ago. I vowed that it would not be the same with my own daughters, however, what I learned from my mom even though I never knew I was learning these things from her, I am doing the same things to my own daughters. I want to keep the determination, strength, and independance, but I want to give my daughters more. I am working on communicating with them but find it difficult to deal with confrontations, and end up making like nothing happened and sweep it under the carpet; Now my youngest daughter does the same and we don't know what we can do to make changes to it. Can you give me some adivice? What is the next step? We acknowledged it but now how do we make the changes? HELP! 

Hi there

 

I empathise with your problem and you are a very strong woman to want to give your daughters more than what you received from you own parents.  I know that confrontations are difficult and they need to be addressed with the greatest of respect for your daughters feelings and her privacy.  I feel that the only way to confront your daughter is to tell her how you are feeling ie if you are worried about her behaviour or worried that she may be drinking etc (just an example)... tell her exactly how you feel in a calm reassuring way ie. sweetheart I need you to know that i feel worried about you at the moment and am wondering if you wouldn't mind putting my mind at rest about a few things....and wait for her to say ok or I don't want to talk about it or whatever she says.  And accept exactly what she says without probing her or forcing her to explain herself etc.  Trust me if you leave her alone she will feel safe in coming to you with her concerns than if you confront her guns blazing and force her to speak when she is not ready.   I would love to know how it goes and if you think what I have said is helpful.

 

God bless xx

 
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September 13, 2006, 3:56 pm CDT

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Quote From: unclemike

hello i am desperately seeking advice. I am the oldest male of two children - my sister and i have always been at odds and she has dictated the direction of my family ever since she got pregnant in high school.She has always been a screamer and bi-polar - she has carried that thru 3 fatherless children (intentionally and selfishly) for the last 20 years - putting 99.9 percent of the responsibility and duty onto the shoulders of my very giving and tired parents.  Her first two boys dont know their fathers and have taken on her  angry manic  ways in dealing with my parents and any family authority.  I have always been the fun loving "uncle" video game buddy visiting from college and out of state up until the last few years.  Already surviving the first teenage boy rebelling against me as the only male authority and man he could shout"YOUR NOT MY FATHER I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU" to with angst and resentment when reminded of a wrong doing or rude behavior....there is now the 14 year old who has so much anger and withdrawn behavior to the entire family.  Resentful and combative. Especially to his always giving grandparents. I try to stay out of it but my sister uses this family and my aging parents to the point of exhaustion. She is bi polar and allows the boys to run wild - most of the time passing the teenagers off on any school friends parents that will take them (weeks at a time sleepovers) as she primps and spoils her latest fatherless baby girl. This boy has changed more than just puberty. his anger and withdrawal from the family (enabled by his selfish mother) has turned him into a loveless and hollow shell of a great little boy i just recently knew.  He is out all nite even on school nites and lives in the biggest trash bin of a garbage filled to the ceiling condo when he is home.  The toll it is taking on this family is devastating and to make it worse -  my sister fights all attempts to try and bring about positive change. I assume out of the estrangement of her own illness.   I am asking??? How do i deal with this little monster of a teenage boy who actually has his very unstable mother siding with him and openly fighting against any disciplinary correction while in our home.  It wouldnt be so bad if she didnt dump it all in our laps.  Its double jeopardy because she sticks the family with her kids yet does not support the authority that we should have.  I have been staying with my family since i returned home both to save money and help out- full knowing the situation.  I am pretty much the head of the household
as my father is ill and my mother is simply under thumb. My manic sister and her angry family show up nearly every nite torturing this family and setting this home on its side. My father allows it and tolerates it as he has always enabled her wicked ways yet it is taking its toll...they have changed this entire family into nothing but a painful existence. How does an uncle put in the awkward place of trying to maintain discipline in a family where it is usurped by a woman and her wild children that have no love or respect for the only people in their lives that love them enough to care?  They are all destroying  this family and the boys are getting worse every day...no respect for themselves or others...no love and no desire for the nurturing my parents willingly offer -every time i try to bring about a little peace or at least rational debate it gets so ugly and stressful on all. They know they have the upper hand as their mother has showed them the way to achieve anything thru screaming and thoughtless behavior. Help i have no experience and i am loosing my family.

HI there

 

I have just read your message and you are in a bit of a pickle there to say the least - just want to acknowlede that you sound like a really caring man so more power to you.

 

Heres a few questions to ask your sister.

 

What do you want for your children?

How do you see your children's lives progressing?

Do you feel your children are happy and nurtured?

Do you know what your children want to be when the grow up?

Do you feel your children are equipped to go into the world?

Do you feel your children are secure?

How do you rate yourself as a mother and mentor to your children

 

That's just a few and maybe you could add a few more if you can think of anything.  It is important to get your SISTER thinking about her children and see how she responds and even if she gives some smart assed answers or tries to turn it around to put the spot light on YOU - DON'T say anything don't rile her or try to change her mind - just LEAVE those questions with her because trust me - they will stay with her - and let her think about them when you are making efforts to give your nephews feed back on their behaviour.

 

In relation to your nephew saying YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER AND I DONT' HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU!!! hate to say it but he is right!!! ALWAYS acknowledge this to him - say to him "John (just using that name as don't know his name) YOU ARE RIGHT (important to say this and not I KNOW IM NOT YOUR FATHER) I am NOT your father but would you consider regarding me as a friend who is interested in your life and gives a damn about teaching you about how you are coming across to people!  ALWAYS give him space to make up his mind and don't try to get him to answer you straight away.  Say to him - John I am here when you want to talk.  ALWAYS acknowledge his feelings and his situation and spell it out to him.!!  Spell out his good points and his great characteristics too ie say to him John you are a smart good looking young man you have a sharp mind and a good brain ! (say this even if you don't believe it yourself - but just say it anyway) ask him is this the way he wants to be and if not what does he want and you will be there to help him get it.

 

I would love to know what you think of this advice and hopefully it will be of some help toyou.

 

 

God bless

 

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