Messages By: cmolinger

There is a program RSA (Redirecting Sexual Agressiveness) that is offered to some cases that seem to have the potential for being productive, non-threatening citizens.  They are very strict and have a successful program.  I personally know a man who went to prison for exposing himself to children of both sexes and for fondling female children.  He is one of the most spiritual, kindest, intelligent, most sensitive people I have ever met.  He knows he has this addiction and follows strictly the principles he was taught in RSA.  He had determined never to have children or be around them and never allows himself to have destructive thoughts.  He's looking for a woman with whom he can share his life, and I think she'll be lucky to have him.   

  

I'd be curious to know if anyone else knows a former abuser who has become a blessing to society.  They're not all the same.  Every case is different, and we shouldn't be automatically afraid or disdainful of someone we discover in our neighborhood.  You really have to know exactly what the person has done. 

There are professionals who know how to deal with children of every age who may have been in such a situation.  Luckily, your daughter is old enough to tell them herself what happened and let them determine the seriousness of her allegations.  True, there are children who use negative behavior to get attention.  There are also adults, like my uncle, who will push right up to the line:  They must be exposed and dealt with by their immediate family.  When it became known to my immediate family that my uncle had been inappropriate with my sister, myself, and even my mother, we took action.  I'm sure he's been inappropriate with many other girls/women, but we had the guts to do something about it.  I wrote him a letter telling him that if he ever made an inappropriate move toward anyone in my family again, he'd have to explain to his family why he had a black eye, a broken arm, or was arrested and would be black-balled from his relatives and friends.  I kept a copy and told him I'd show it to his family.  Surprisingly, he showed the letter to his wife (an abuse enabler and heavily into denial) and extolled his detestment of our family.  Today, we are barely civil to him at family functions.  He keeps to himself.  I don't think his grown sons know about it, but his wife understands that when he passes on (he's in his late 80's now and not well - his youngest son recently died of cancer), we will not attend his funeral.  It's not our concern what explanation she will give anyone who asks why we're not there.  Our response to those who would ask why we're not close to him is that we're estranged because of his abusive behavior.  Period.

My husband has always been selfish, lazy, and self-centered.  When we got together, he was supportive and loving to me.  As the years went by, I allowed him to become more and more self-absorbed, telling myself I could work around it and that his obsession with work was necessary.  AFter 27 years together, our grown daughter (who is amazingly like him), came to visit and was appalled at his behavior toward me.  She felt that he treated me like a doormat, I was the dog he emotionally kicked when he got home, and that the family comes last, after his work, his rest, his TV, his exercise, his everything.  I saw then that I would always come last, so I tried to tell him how we felt and what I needed.  He agreed to work with me through Dr. Phil's "Family First" but he never did read past the first chapter; he said that if Dr. Phil was in his shoes, he'd see things differently.  He'd say he'd do better or have a million reasons why we were wrong and he needs to be the way he is.  So I followed up on my ultimatum and left.  For the first three months he was so angry he wouldn't contact me.  We've been separated for a year, and his communications of doing better but excusing his behavior and blaming us for his attitudes became less and less frequent; I haven't heard from him since Mother's Day.  I realize he doesn't want a family badly enough to make the effort to get us back and that I must end this marriage.  I don't want to lose any more time having a full life.

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