Mom Dictionary!
ALIEN
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house
if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
BABY
1. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
2. Dad, when he gets a cold.
BATHROOM
A room used by the entire family,
believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE
Mom's reason for having kids do things
which can't be explained logically.
CARPOOL
Complicated system of transportation where Mom
always winds up going the furthest with the biggest
bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
COOK
1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.
DATE
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy
worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DUST
Insidious interloping particles of evil that
turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS
See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR
A place where kids store dirt.
EAT
What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST
See "WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY
Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME"
One of Mom's favorite phrases,
reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE
The highly susceptible optic nerve which,
according to Mom,can be "put out" by anything
from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD
The response Mom usually gives in
answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
See "SARCASM"
FROZEN
1. A type of food.
2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter
date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns
to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself
GENIUSES
Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
HAMPER
A wicker container with a lid,
usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw
with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water
immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
HOMEMADE BREAD
An object of fiction like the
Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
INSIDE
That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
"I SAID SO" Reason enough, according to Mom
JACKPOT
When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
JEANS
Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just
about any occasion, including church and funerals.
"JEEEEEEEEZ!"
Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else
you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"
JOY RIDE
Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK
Things belonging to Dad.
KETCHUP
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom
spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS
Mom’s medicine.
LIE
An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's
papier-mache volcano science project into a
Nobel Prize-winning
experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
LOSERS
See "Kids' Friends"
MAKEUP
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MAYBE
No.
"MOMMMMMMM!"
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
NAILS
A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn
modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
OPEN
The position of children's mouths
when they eat in front of company.
PANIC
What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.
PENITENTIARY
Where children who don't eat their vegetables or
clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS
Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so
Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
PURSE
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she
can never find because they're buried under tissues,
gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list,
and several outdated coupons.
QUIET
A state of household serenity which occurs
before the birth of the first child and
occurs again after the last child has left for college.
REFRIDGERATOR
Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
SCREAMING
Home P.A. system.
TEACHER CONFERENCE
A meeting between Mom and that person who
has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO’S
Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP
A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
VITAMINS
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot
to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME"
Standard measurement of time
between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO
Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried,
or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
nope! I not the author....
A Rare Book
collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. 
It's not that big and this is the original pic from the advertisement. 
its not uncommon to be depressed after child birth. i had twins at age 27 and the hormones went out of wack. i was diagnosed with post pardum depression. its very common. Sounds like you need to talk to your doctor as soon as possible about this. This can be very serious if left untreated. Know from experience. you want to enjoy that new bundle of joy not be depressed. i am sorry your having problems with your boyfriend. when your depressed its hard to stick up for yourself also. you are not weak. dont let him put you down like that. For goodness sake you just had his baby. Thats pretty strong stuff if you ask me. hang in there and let us know if yu went to the doc. 
