Messages By: hopeless1

it is easter sunday and i am home alone with the kids.  they r each doing their own thing right now so i have time to type out my frustration.  my husband feels that today is just another day so he see's no reason to be home with me and our 2 kids.  actually we have one together and the other is HIS son, which we only get every other weekend.  he rarely spends time at home but for some reason i thought that today being a holiday he would.  ha...wasn't i wrong.  i voiced my opinion to him, i told him that today is a holiday.  it's a day for the kids.  he said that he and i see things differently.  it's almost put the last lick of icing on the cake for me.  in the past few weeks i have found out that he racked up enormous football debts, took cash advances out on MY credit cards to pay these back, and he already had us in debt.  he said he was sorry and that he'll pay every cent back but i just recently found out that he did another cash advance out now here i am at home with our kids on easter.  he spent a few hours with them yesterday and today did the easter egg hunt but i feel like he should be here not off with his friend who is single and doesn't have a family.  am i wrong?  please if i am please someone show me that i am asking for too much.  i guess i'm wanting more of a family man and he's just not that.  he is rarely home.  he's always got an excuse to be out with his friends.  i guess it's a holiday and i feel those days r spent w/ family. 

thank you for responding and i will take what u said to heart.  i feel like it's too late to gain control.  i feel like i have to start over.  mayb bankruptcy is the way i need to go to break free of the debts and him.  but by doing so will that be hurting my child?  if i don't have the credit when we need it?  i keep trying to tell myself there have been many others that have gone through this and they survived.  i guess i'm really scared.  if it was just me i wouldn't be so much.  but i'm terrified of hurting my child.  letting her down.  it is too late?

today didn't go as i had expected.  i confronted my husband about the cash advance (newest one) i found that he did.  he treated me like i should be ashamed of myself for even bringing it up.  i said he's betrayed me again.  and he said yeah i did it again, what r u going to do about it?  he said he would stay at a friends house for a few days and come back over the weekend.  then he walked out the door.  i was really shocked by his acting.  i couldn't believe that he didn't see what he did was wrong.  he lied again.  he tried to hide something from me again when it comes to the money.  at first i cried and then i began to get really angry.  unfortunately my child is here so i couldn't do anything drastic.  but i couldn't believe it.  about 2 hrs later he shows up.  i ignored him and treated him like he wasn't here.  i've had enough.  he's betrayed me and hurt me beyond repair.  i've taken my wedding ring off.  i feel like there is no reason to wear it when everything it stands for has been broken.  i'm trying very hard to get through this.  my emotions r very muddled.  for him to react that way about something he has apologized for so many times.  and this time to act like it's no big deal.  amazing.  i know i should just walk out or make him go.  but i am frightened.  i feel like i've lost so much.  and to raise a child.  i just feel like i'm a loser.  i don't want to let her down.

thank u for sharing ur story with me.  it means a great deal to know someone has gone through what i am and to hear the child's perspective.  i have to ask you.  how has ur mother faired since she left your father?  since he ruined her credit and all.  how has she gotten along?  unfortunately i have no one to turn to in my town.  my parents are too far away to drop everything and go to.  so i have to really get my ducks in a row.  

right now i'm feeling every emotion you can think of.  and i'm not exactly sure how i'm to handle any of this.  unfortunately i can't say as much as i would like due to legal proceedings but i will do my best to be as clear as possible.  recently my husband has possibly been tied into a robbery.  i'll just say it's a federal issue.  it all came on very sudden.  at the time he was picked up he was also had marijuana on his possession.  he has been released and is out on probation.  but i have had so many feelings that i can't seem to process them all.  when he came home i went through anxiety.  every time he left i thought he wasn't coming back.  u see when he was picked up i was at work and they picked him up in a parking lot while he was on his way to the police station.  i received no phone calls nothing.  basically i was in the dark about everything.  i keep trying to take one day at a time but all of this has been so hard for me to digest.  i don't understand how all this has happened.  in lots of ways i feel like i don't even know my husband.  especially finding out about a robbery he may or maynot be linked to and about drugs.  the other difficult situation i'm having is that i have not told my parents yet.  my mom especially is very dramatic and will take this as sooo disgraceful.  i'll be needing her support and she will probably make me feel sicker about the whole situation.  you see when i was married before and got divorced it too her 11/2 year to tell my family that i was "getting" divorced.  it was final.  my parents filled bankruptcy and she to this day will not tell anyone...not even her own parents.  she very much cares about what everyone thinks.  she is quick to put anyone down when something bad happens instead of being caring.  i don't need that right now.  but i need my parents.  i've spoken to my mom twice and i let on like nothing has happened.  but i have to tell her something soon.  they live out of state so that is why i have been able to handle it this way so far.  i'm not sure what is the best way to do this.  financially we r hurting and i know she will go over the deep end on that too.  even though she's been there and could b supportive...she won't b.  trust me...i've told her that before and i thought she sucked her false teeth down her throat the way she gasped.  i love them dearly and i don't want to keep anything from them.  but i don't know how to tell them.  i don't need her ridicule...i need her love.

i have never answered anyone's messages before so bare with me.  i have a husband whom i have been married to for 5 yrs now too.  he has told me that i am never romantic with him.  in a lot of ways for me initiating is never been my thing because i have self esteem issues so i don't deal with the rejection very well.  there has been times though that i tried and he did reject it so i kind of have given up.  i don't think counceling would hurt.  i don't think that he should be cold and mean to you though because that doesn't help matters.  and truth is...go for it!  i have on many occassions...and yes...i was scared, embarrased.  and yes i got rejected many times...but don't give up if u really want to over come this.  after a few times...u won't feel embarrased anymore...the times i didn't get rejected i felt pretty darn sexy. 

the love life between my husband and i is just a poof anymore.  for me it is because of all that i have been through with him.  i have been through alcoholism, drugs, on and off working, gambling.  he put us through financial ruin...more so me since he was taking my credit cards and making cash advances on them.  and recently...a criminal situation.  i keep standing behind him trying to get through each day...but it seems to get harder and harder.  he wants me to be positive and act a little bit happier but i don't know how to exactly do that.  when things begin to start going up the ladder and i'm feeling a tad bit happier...something else happens and i get further depressed then i was before.   he wants me to b more "romantic" but how can i be when i have all this other junk weighing my libido down??  is there a way to spark up the romance when all this other stuff is in place?  or should i even bother wanting to spark it up again?  we do have a young child so that is one reason why i stay.  i'm not even sure this message is going to be of much use to me anyway since he and i fought yesterday and today he told me he won't be staying here.  he left to go to a friends and said he'll b back in the morning.  but i guess i'm really trying to figure out...should i bother??  and if so...how do i do that exactly?  how do i forget so i initiate??

to say it plain and clear i'm in debt.  my husband and i have been together for about 8 years.  we've had our ups and downs with money but we always had extra and worked on ways to get our debts in line and worked on.  then he decided he didn't have to work a "normal" job anymore.  he decided he was going to become a "professional poker player".  yes i said poker player.  we fought about this constantly.  but he thought i was out of line because he was paying the bills since he was winning.  then came the dumper.  while he was winning poker he was racking up football debts.  i didn't know this because he didn't inform me.  when he finally did...it was after he took credit cards that accounts were in my name and got cash advances out totalling $50,000.  he says he knows he's done wrong and that he'll make it all better.  everything seems to go up but my paycheck.  how can i look at life on my own and take care of these debts??  we're behind on bills because of him.  he doesn't get a steady job and everytime i talk to him about it we end up in a huge fight and he says that everything is money to me...blah blah blah.  i have a little girl.  and i want to get out of this hell so the creditors stop calling since they call to talk to me.  it's frustrating since i work every day and i have to figure out how to get out of this when he put me in the situation and he doesn't seem to b helping out.  okay...leave him.  get child support...how?  he isn't paying the support he owes for his other child.  i have no one to go to.  i just want to lift the weight and breath.  if anyone can help i would appreciate your advice.