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Messages By: firebomb

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frustrated
September 18, 2006, 2:12 pm CDT

must be nice...

Quote From: westmoneypit

I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids.  We have our issues like everyone does.  Stress, jobs, self esteem, relationship challenges, kids issues, etc... but, we found romance again by finding something to do together that we both love.  We purchased a motorcycle.  We found that buying one, we can be out together, talk about our days, and just get out away from everything.  We can still ride with others, so we can have mutual friends.  While we are going down the rode, it is just her and I even if we are riding in a group.  It has caused some excitement in the bedroom as well.  I can ask her to wear her chaps to bed for me, dress up like my naughty biker girl, so we can even use the attire for role playing.  Buying the motorcyle has been one of the best things we ever did together.  As you can tell from the story, the key to the success has been: spending more time together, communicating with each other more, and getting around other people who like what we like.  The extra benefit has been the renewed sex life and excitement that comes with that.  We have learned from other people's realtionships failures that you must do more together, not less to get along.  Good luck to everyone.

 

my hubby and i are having that issue right now...he is angry with me right now and that means that he will not be speaking to me for at least a week and then he will finally explode and it will all be because he did not get sex when he thought was due...at least that is the impression that I get....I hate not knowing what he is thinking...but on the other hand, if he is going to act like a child and not sleep in our bed and not speak to me...I feel like that when he does not get what he wants, he just starts to whine....but I am going to act my age and just let him get over it....I know that my husbnad would like for me to do the same that  your wife does for  you, but i am not confidnet enuff in myself to do that...we have been married for almost 6 years now and have two kids...sometimes i think that he is comparing me to the women that he spends time looking at when he is online checkin out the porn!!!!  if this relates to anyone,please respond 

 
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Mellow

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sad
September 22, 2006, 7:56 pm CDT

not sure where this should go...

Quote From: richard_woods

You ask what you are doing wrong? Did you ever consider that the answer might be *nothing*?

 

Without really knowing what goes on in your home...Lies are something that No One should tolerate.

 

I'll just submit this cliche'...only you can seehow and  if it applies..."Today is the first day of the rest of your life"

 

Best of luck to you. You seem very sweet.

 

 

I was not sure where to put this and i am new to the boards so forgive me...but I had to write somewhere...my hubby and I were having a "discussion" last night and some things came up...and he was complaining about me not wanting to have sex with him very often and so he came in and told me to take all our toys and throw them away!! there is more that happened in the conversation before this was ever said....but he said that he thought that bringing the toys into the relationship would make sex better between the two of us and would make me want it more.....so I came and out and ripped him a new one and told him that if we had the toys because he wanted to make it better that was not going to happen...and then I finally came out and told him that it is not like that for people have been raped....we have been married for going on 6 years and he never knew anything about all that...I thought that it was in my past and just needed to stay there...I was afraid even after I said something to him that he would see me as damaged goods and be done with it...but I know in my heart that is not true....

he has what I think is an addiction to porn and we talked about that but did not get very far...I just told him that I would appreciate it if he would not do it right under my nose...that at least he could do it when I was not around...he made the comment that at least is not out getting it somewhere else and that is true...I told him that he was too good of a man to do that to me.....

I just wonder if I did the right thing in telling him bc that is just one more thing that he has to deal with...i would love to have a good sex life with him but it is just something that i am not interested in and i do not know why....just not a priority of mine...

can someone give me some insight????

 
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quiet
September 23, 2006, 8:30 am CDT

Sex

Quote From: richard_woods

Hi Fire...

 

First of all I am flattered that you thought enough of my reply to another person to ask my opinion. I promise to not be cavalier with your feelings and the problems in your relationship...although my vernacular might not  always seem that way.

 

Recently my car was having trouble with the transmition. Is the transmition what makes the car run? Is it the most important part of the car? Is it more important than the engine? ...Well none of those answers really matter because regardless, the car won't function without all of its nessarary compnents.

 

Much is the same with Sex and marriage. You can argue until you are blue in the face about its "importance" in relation to other components ....but nevertheless no marriage can function in a healthy, loving way without it. So in that regard, it is as important as anything else in your marriage. So this is an important issue that needs to be straightened out NOW.

 

(Remember, this is the world according to Richard, not gospel)

 

You and he need to begin with a dialouge about your rape. He is your husband, and hopefully your confidant.  An *INTERDEPENDANT* marriage is one that exist to support each other, and address everything as a TEAM. This is no longer just your issue. It is now both of your issue, and before you can move on in a sexual loving relationship, you have to meet this head on, together. After all, the sexual relationship you want involves both of you, right? This is priority, and everything else is predicated on how the two of you weather this storm.

 

 

Once that is at a point where you feel comfortable as a team...(it may be a while, dont rush this)......

 

No one is wrong for having feelings. Not you, not him. You only become at fault when you try to IMPOSE your feelings unwillingly on each other. You are way ahead of the game in that you have already started (what seems to be an honest) dialouge about sex. That is great. Now you have to do it without fighting. You need to see if the two of you can find where you can both exist sexually and comfortably with each other. Most people fear the reaction from their spouse and never have the courage to begin this dialouge. It is ecsential though. Try to tremember that he has a right to his feelings as well, and he has sexual needs that are important. 

 

Hopefully the two of you can find the right balance to have great, loving sex. It is as important as anything else. best of luck.

 

thank you for your reply...It gives me a lot to think about..i know that I need to go get counseling or something....he seems better today than he was a couple of days ago but i still feel as if he thinks that he has the damaged goods left over...we have made a promise not to argue in front of the kids and the only time to talk is when they are sleeping....I sat outside and we watched a fire for awhile and listened to music and he said nothing...so I think that he needs to deal with it in his own way.....but he did sleep in our bed last night for awhile which was an improvement to the last couple of days....when I got up this morning, he was out on the couch though....we will have to see what happens....

 

I feel so bad for him...and what he has to deal with....

I know that sex is important to him and therefor I need to find a way to get over my issues and share that part of our meriage....that would be wonderful for both of us....

 

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