Quote From: richard_woodsHi Fire...
First of all I am flattered that you thought enough of my reply to another person to ask my opinion. I promise to not be cavalier with your feelings and the problems in your relationship...although my vernacular might not always seem that way.
Recently my car was having trouble with the transmition. Is the transmition what makes the car run? Is it the most important part of the car? Is it more important than the engine? ...Well none of those answers really matter because regardless, the car won't function without all of its nessarary compnents.
Much is the same with Sex and marriage. You can argue until you are blue in the face about its "importance" in relation to other components ....but nevertheless no marriage can function in a healthy, loving way without it. So in that regard, it is as important as anything else in your marriage. So this is an important issue that needs to be straightened out NOW.
(Remember, this is the world according to Richard, not gospel)
You and he need to begin with a dialouge about your rape. He is your husband, and hopefully your confidant. An *INTERDEPENDANT* marriage is one that exist to support each other, and address everything as a TEAM. This is no longer just your issue. It is now both of your issue, and before you can move on in a sexual loving relationship, you have to meet this head on, together. After all, the sexual relationship you want involves both of you, right? This is priority, and everything else is predicated on how the two of you weather this storm.
Once that is at a point where you feel comfortable as a team...(it may be a while, dont rush this)......
No one is wrong for having feelings. Not you, not him. You only become at fault when you try to IMPOSE your feelings unwillingly on each other. You are way ahead of the game in that you have already started (what seems to be an honest) dialouge about sex. That is great. Now you have to do it without fighting. You need to see if the two of you can find where you can both exist sexually and comfortably with each other. Most people fear the reaction from their spouse and never have the courage to begin this dialouge. It is ecsential though. Try to tremember that he has a right to his feelings as well, and he has sexual needs that are important.
Hopefully the two of you can find the right balance to have great, loving sex. It is as important as anything else. best of luck.
thank you for your reply...It gives me a lot to think about..i know that I need to go get counseling or something....he seems better today than he was a couple of days ago but i still feel as if he thinks that he has the damaged goods left over...we have made a promise not to argue in front of the kids and the only time to talk is when they are sleeping....I sat outside and we watched a fire for awhile and listened to music and he said nothing...so I think that he needs to deal with it in his own way.....but he did sleep in our bed last night for awhile which was an improvement to the last couple of days....when I got up this morning, he was out on the couch though....we will have to see what happens....
I feel so bad for him...and what he has to deal with....
I know that sex is important to him and therefor I need to find a way to get over my issues and share that part of our meriage....that would be wonderful for both of us....
