Quote From: mismindles So if I had to be really honest with myself I'd say I saw a little of myself in a couple of these moms. I know Dr. Phil did this show to help those of us who are in this business and need to step back and analyze our situation so for all of the people who think this show was done just for ratings and all the moms out there who have child actors I ask you to please be honest with yourself and see if you fit the profile of any of these ladies.
I think I find myself as a cross between Kiki & Susan. Kiki is rational and supportive, but she pushes Gracie at times when she needs a moment of space. Perfectly normal I think- all moms do this occasionally. Susan is a bit of a perfectionist and doesn't let Meagan think for herself. Susan pushes Meagan to the point that she is almost in tears and then yells at Meagan for getting upset. I regret to say that I have done this in the past. As for the rest of the moms....Psychoooooo!
I think what I am taking out of all of this is that it may have been the childs idea to start this business, but once the mom gets her mind around stardom she becomes obsessed! I find myself always torn between letting my son fail if he decides not to rehearse or if I should push him because he will thank me later. I think of it like making your child do homework or practice piano even when he would rather play outside. I took piano as a kid and I didn't practice and eventually my parents made me quit. I wanted to take piano, but I didn't like to practice. Now i could kick myself and my parents for not making me stick with it because I can sing and write lyrics, but I can't play an instrument and I ask myself all the time if they should have forced me to practice. I don't have an answer to this question, but I am curious what others might think.
I don't let my child fail at anything. If he tells me at 10:30 that he forgot he had to have his report ready the next day, I will send him to bed and type it up for him. If he forgets his lunch money I drive it up to him instead of letting him eat peanut butter & jelly & learn the hard way. Forgot his backpack- drive it to his school. Left homework on the tabel- drive it to the school. I know that's a problem I just don't know when the right time is to let him fail.
In the acting business if you don't book work you get dropped by your agent. If you book work and don't walk on set with it ready you get dropped by the production. If you gain weight in some cases you get dropped and if you lose weight you can get dropped. Bad attitude, tardiness, tiredness, almost anything can get you dropped and sometimes it's like a walk on a wire to stay in the business. Moms know this, but kids don't always get it and they say they want to be actors, but some of them have no idea what it takes to "make it" I know my son doesn't always get it unless it's a role he's just dying to get and then he practices a lot, but commercials don't thrill him and sometimes commercials are the gateway to televison and film. We don't live in LA so film is rare and television is almost obsolete, so commercials are how he pays for trips to LA. I offer to let him do what he wants if he chooses to give up all of this. Just the other day on the way to an audition I calmly and gently told him that:
"Daddy and I don't care if you decide to play sports or do something else. You let us know when you want to quit because I don't want to spend my time and gas money and all of our extra money going to LA and paying for acting classes & headshots if you don't want to hold up your end of the bargain by rehearsing and giving your 100%"
He immediately started crying & saying:
"I want to act, Mom. I just get tired of going to auditions and not booking work, but I don't want to quit because it's the one thing I am really good at." (which is not true because he loves science and has the mind for it)
Now maybe my way of saying it could be looked on negatively and maybe that makes me a stage mom, but honestly, would you want to fork out thousands of dollars if your child wasn't going to be in it 100%? And the fact that he started crying really bothered me, not in an angry way, but I understood that sometimes the pressure gets to even the most resilient kid, because he has never voiced anything in the 4 years he has been doing this that would make me think that he actually felt rejected until now.
That's how it is for these kids, but to tell him it's all over because it's too much pressure would make him feel even worse because he would think I didn't think he had what it takes to make it and that would also be a really bad thing to do to his tender little spirit. SO what do I do? He has what it takes when he wants to give his 100% and that's not just my opinion. He has a good agency and a manager that believe in him because they have seen his work.
Another thing parents on the outside who say, "let your kid be a kid and not worry about acting till later" don't realize that unless kids were wiped from movie screens there will always be that kid who WILL take the part and it's the kids who spend all these young years taking lessons and booking work that sometimes already have a bridge to a career as an adult. I know- has been child stars...blah blah blah, but there are just as many success stories of kids who started out around 10ish and are now big time actors. It's hard for an adult to break into the business and much easier for kids.
I don't kid myself. I know my son is not the next Josh Hutcherson. (the male Dakota IMO) but he talented and he needs more classes and coaching and obviously, work, even if it's lowq budget or for free, to hone his skills even better.
Anyway, I have learned some things and I have passed on some knowledge to all of you who don't understand all of this madness. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want my kid to make it. His dreams are my dreams and I have always said that perhaps he will not be an actor and all of this training and auditioning is preparing him for another field that will require these skills. He may be a pastor. He may be a scientist, he may be a lawyer or a missionary, but I don't believe God gave him these gifts for no reason and I know that the oppertunities that he has had are all in a plan to shape who God wants him to become. I just need to step out of the way and let that happen naturally failures and all.
I am writing about your concern that you do not let your child fail at anything. You take his forgotten backpack to school, type his assignment when he has left it too late. I am sure we have all done this on occasion just as we would want a member of the family to bring a forgotten lunch to us if we had left for work without it. But I would urge you NOT to do this if he is continually forgetful however or else you are training him...to be dependent, lazy and irresponsible. My 3 children set their own alarms from age 7 or 8 on and they got themselves up and came down to breakfast. If they missed the school bus then of course I had to drive them but I don't even recall if it ever happened. If it had happened repeatedly then they would have had to walk to school even if it meant that I drove along nearby. My kids took responsibility for themselves bit by bit as I thought that they were mature enough to handle it. If you cover for your kids repeatedly they will not learn that there are consequences in this world for irresponsibility. If they don't 'get it' young they will be late for their jobs, turn in poor work and not follow through on promises to friends and family...resulting in losing their jobs, letting down their friends and family and feeling disappointed in themselves. We want our kids to grow up to have good character and so letting them fail in small ways....no lunch, no school bag...is good training. I would not let a child not to his homework. He must sit down and do it, THEN he can go out to play. Speaking of piano practice. My children had to do their hour of violin or piano practice from age 4 right up through their teens, every single day of the year...and I sat with them every evening coaching them. Like Larissa I was very committed. My feeling was that if they did not practice it was akin to not going to school. There is no choice in these matters. Children MUSt do certain things such as doing chores or keeping their rooms clean if that is important to us....or doing their homework or instrument practice. We may not feel like doing something but it is part of learning commitment and responsibility. We do things whether we want to do it or not because it is our duty. I pay for the lessons that they want. The teacher does a good job. The child works hard. We are all doing our part. If my child really wanted to quit music (after age 12) that would have been fine...sad for me...but fine. But they were really good at playing their instruments by that age...like Larissa's musical and talented boys. It is due to hard work, lots of parental encouragement and yes, enforcement and once they reach a high level their involvment with their instruments is part of who they are...and they don't want to quit. Their friends are in the same milieu and there are a lot of perks such as traveling with a large city youth orchestra around the world which is what my daughters did. So I say, in the small stuff, let them 'fail' or go without...that is character building as my grandmother would say. With the big stuff there are obligations and they must do what is expected of them. They will thank you in the long run...as my now 'just grown up', responsible and hard working kids have done.
