Messages By: happilymarried2

I think we are going to see this problem get a whole lot worse among future generations. Our oldest son is 14 and he thinks that when he turns 16 that we (mom and dad) are going to lease him a car. (surprise! he's got another thing coming!) Mom and Dad each drove cars that were  dependable but used and cost less than 3,000 then we upgraded slowely over time. He's going to be in a similar boat. 

If these parents continue down the same path of giving these kids whatever they want whenever they want it then the sad part is that they will end up with kids who are incapable of loving anyone other than themselves.  

Hi there pickle. 

First of all let me say that I have alot of empathy for both you and your husband. Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard work.  It is amazing how mean we can be to those who we are closest to but yet so polite to perfect strangers.  Do you think it is possible that your husband feels insecure within the marriage? 

  I just saw the show and I am amazed at how each couple seemed to make it their mission to tear each other down. I never once saw either husband or wife attempt to lift each other up.  If husbands and wives were to spend their time trying to find out what they could do to make their partner's life easier, thereby lifting them up daily, it would make for a much better marriage. Dr. Phil said marriage is a partnership, and he is right. How much better would these couples marriages become if they spent their lives, getting to know each other firstly, and secondly serving each other in love on a daily basis.

In my view women spend way too much time verbally attacking their husbands. When they do that they crush their husband’s spirit. Men like to know that their women have confidence in them, that they trust them, and trust their decision making.   How destructive it is to a marriage when a woman is calling her husbands names like: Idiot, stupid, moron, ect... Women need to build their husbands up primarily through trusting them with decisions. A man who doesn't believe that his wife trusts him is deeply wounded.  Each time a woman attacks her husband through attacking his abilities to make decisions it is like giving the knife another twist that is barricaded in his heart. Wives: I hate to say it but men do not like our unsolicited advice. I don't mean to say that they value us less  as human beings but If they need advice they would much prefer to ask another man whom they have a respect. (call it a man thing)I think that when a woman can do that her husband will interpret that as love. and he will be able to return that love to her a hundred fold.. Men need to realize that women are more emotional.  Truly we are ruled by our emotions. Learning how to master and control our emotions is a bit of a challenge for us. It is easier sometimes to fly off the handle =) Women are emotionally attached to the house, and the children. We want to be good wives, mothers and housekeepers. Men can deeply wound us by attacking our abilities as mothers, wives and housekeepers.  Because men are less emotional, they should take the lead role through complementing his wife on her abilities as a wife, mother, and housekeeper, then women will be able to respond to that love, the more confidence that a man shows to his wife in her abilities in these areas, the more a woman will be able to trust and love her husband.  Wives: the more you show that you have confidence in your husband's abilities to make decisions for the family the more they will feel loved and return that love back to you. Wives: If your husband has had an especially rough day, go the extra mile to do something special for him, after all he should be your top priority. Men: If your wife has had an especially rough day at work, or at home, go the extra mile for her. Offer to do the dishes, bathe the kids, or take out the trash. She should be your top priority.

 Its worked for us for more than 10 years but it was a skill we both had to learn, and we are still learning. We didn't start off that way, we had to learn how to treat each other and that takes time. The best advice I once received was that it takes an entire lifetime to get to know someone as intimately as you are supposed to know your spouse.  I think that is true.

Just my 2cents worth.

Shelly from Ohio

Hi there Philosophy. 

 In my marriage  My husband is the financial provider. I fulfill a completely different role in the home. I don't work. I believe that I was put on this earth to be a wife specifically for him and a mother to our children. Does that mean that I am less of a person? No absolutely not. Does that mean that we don't discuss finances together? No. Does that mean that he doesn't value my opinion? No. The Gist of my message was in my first paragraph. How much better would a marriage be if wives were constantly  lovingly fulfilling  the needs of  their husbands and husbands were in turn constantly  lovingly fulfilling the needs of their wives. If those couples were lifting each other up in love instead of tearing each other down destructively in words and in deeds, and sabotaging each other's efforts in the marriage. How much better off would they be?

You can't just accept that your husband should go to a man "that he respects more" to make family decisions.  Seems a little archaic to me.   

  I think that the reason many couples end up in divorce today is because there is a  power struggle going on inside the home. There can't be two chiefs to an Indian tribe. It doesn't work. With that being said that does't give the husband the right to be a tyrant, nor do I think the wife should be a doormat. But I think that if she is uplifting her husband on a daily basis and he is uplifting her on a daily basis that tyranny or doormats will not be an issue because each will be fulfilling the needs of the other continuously.  The end result will be a loving relationship where there is mutual respect between the two partners.

  A true partner is there as a soft place to land emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.

I agree. and I think the only way to achieve this is to place your spouse above yourself.  Spend your life placing his needs first, and yours second. He should do the same  also be placing your needs above his and fulfilling his own second. If you do that then I think you will have marital bliss.

It may seem old fashoined but so what? 

Obviously the newer ideas are not working (women's lib and all that) since the divorce rate is 50 percent for 1st marriages and even higher for subsequent marriage. 

again just my 2 cents worth. =) 

Shelly 

First of all let me say that I truly feel for this family. Mom and dad defiantly have their hands full.  In this family the 16 year old is in charge. I think that Amanda would deep down really appreciate it if her parents took charge. I am willing to bet that she feels out of control and desires for her parents to challenge her, and yank a knot in her tail. To make her behave. I think that Amanda would do great in a program likes Outward Bound. I think that Amanda probably has some deep hurts, and probably is not getting the male attention that she needs from her dad, therefore she is seeking it from someone else. 

I think that mom and dad need to absolutely take charge of the situation. Dad seems to passive. Amanda is very skilled at "divide and conquer"  (*Note the scene where Amanda said "I knew mom lied and dad didn't back his  wife up, and coward away at telling the real truth which was obvious to all that he truly was not as  involved  as he should have been in helping his wife find his daughter)  I think that dad's passiveness was highlighted in the shower scene where Amanda was uttering profanities and threw her tantrum that Dad just passively sat on the couch and failed to take control of the situation. It seems to me that these parents are afraid of Amanda. She is aggressive, she is out of control and she learned that by acting aggressively, and out of control mom and dad cower away and give into her desires, no matter how unreasonable. That is just not  right. 

Amanda: If you want to be treated like an adult you need to act like one. Acting like one means first and foremost taking responsibility for your actions and not blaming your decisions on your parents behavior.  2nd you need to apologize to your mother. She is your mother!  You demand that your parents recognize you, and your desires and that they respect you but you seemingly are absolutely unwilling to give them any respect.  You wreak of an "I don't care what anyone thinks" attitude. Be glad your not my daughter because you would have been on complete and total lock down with absolutely zero privileges. And by the way, telephones are privileges.  . The laws very from state to state but in the state that I live in children under 18 must obey the house hold rules and failure to do so will land someone like you in the DH with incorrigible child charges.  

Dad:  One of the things you need to do is to  PLUG INTO YOUR DAUGHTER  Love your daughter, as only a father can because the first person that comes along that loves her more than you do, is the one that she is going to marry. It seems to me that you are absent emotionally from your daughter.  If you don't she will be out the door and married by the time she is 18 to the first "joe" that comes along! I believe that if you were meeting her emotional needs she never would have run away., and never would have sought the attention that she did from this young boy.  2nd Back your wife up when she disciplines Amanda, don't let Amanda divide and conquer. Step up and lead this family. I am puzzled as to why you tolerate your daughters aggressiveness toward your wife??? She is your wife! My view is that your job is to protect your wife, even if it means protecting her from your own child!  

Mom: Don't fear Amanda. Don't be afraid of jerking a knot in her tail and doing whatever you have to do to get her to behave. Yeah sure, she will be a legal adult at 18 but she won't have the experience to back it up. She will still need and desire  guidance and love from you and your husband probably for the next several years of her life. I find that as a mom I want to just be merciful to the kids, but they need strong discipline at times. 

2ndly It seemed to me that there was a lot of emotional disconnect between you and your husband. I think on the show it said that he moved out after she ran away. I am sure that placed a lot of stress on your marriage, that was probably already in trouble. I really hope that your marriage doesn't dissolve, I really hope that the two of you can find a way to put your marriage back together and give your kids the greatest gift of all, a mom and dad under one roof who truly love and care for each other. You two are the role models. 

Amanda respect your parents and their decisions you might be surprised how much easier life becomes if you are willing to do that. They absolutely should not compromise with you when you are engaging in such dangerous behavior with people who hopefully are facing criminal charges for taking you across state lines. 

God Bless. 

Amanda is a 16 year ld child, her parents are the legal guardians of her until she is 18 years old. Amanda made a choice and it was the wrong one.  Amanda said she only wants a compromise, yet a compromise for her would mean total freedom to do and act as she pleases no matter how harmful regardless of what her parents want I think she made that absolutely clear when she ignored Dr. Phi's question to her about that very subject. Whether she wants to admit it or not, she was participating in a harmful lifestyle that would eventually ruin her future. Intrincically, there is something wrong with people who do not have legal custody of Amanda taking her across state lines, without permission from her parents, it is called kidnapping. Amanda doesn't have any rights here. She has the right to have a roof over her head, 3 square meals a day, and clothes on her back  and a safe place to live. That is it. everything else is a bonus.--Including the cell phone.strealing her possessions--Now that is a crock! Her parents are not being disrespectful--she is with her beligerent attitude and sense of entitlement. 

Mom and Dad need to step up to the plate instead of letting their daughter bully them into giving her what she wants. 

Pat: 

One of the most powerful things you can do for Kim is to Pray for her. 

Pray for her an Pray for your son 

Train a child up the way he should go and when he grows old he will not depart  from it. Prov. 22:6 

Don't worry if his attentions are more on Kim. They should be at this stage of the game.  That is going to be his wife. So my advice to you is to just get happy about it. Your role is going to change a little bit. You used to  be the most important woman in your son's life but now Kim is. And that is ordained by God. (Dr. Phil mentioned Cleaving.) 

Personally I came from a home where athiesm was practiced and My husband was a Born again Christian. Not only him but his entire family.  BUT 4 years into the marriage I became a Born again Christian. NOW I don't know where I would be without my personal Relationship with Jesus, and I am so Thankful that HE chose me. 

Dr. Phil is talking to a brick wall.  She came to defend her position. But it is absolutly wrong what she is doing,and what she is putting These adults are abusing these children emotionally, They may not have any visible scars on them but emotionally they are bruised. Dr. Phil: Report them. I can't believe these two women are actually defending this disgusting and abbhorant behavior. They seriously need some therapy, and until they get it these children need to be removed from the home.