Messages By: etiamwiam7

BELIEVE ME  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.   

THERE ARE A LOT OF FAMILIES WHO EXPERIENCED SIMILAR STYLES OF COMMUNICATIONS WITH THEIR SPOUSES. 

I CAN REMEMBER GROWING UP AS A CHILD AND ALSO OBSERVING SIMILAR ARGUMENTS BETWEEN MY PARENTS. 

ALTHOUGH, MOST OF THE TIME, IT APPEARED THAT MUM WAS ALWAYS THE INSTIGATOR OR PROVOKER OF THOSE ARGUMENTS.   

MY DAD MOST OF THE TIME, NEVER ARGUED BACK, AND TRIED TO AVOID ESCALATING THE SITUATION BY BEING PASSIVE AND WALKING AWAY FROM IT.  

I CAN'T REMEMBER EVERY HEARING MY PARENTS CALLING EACH OTHER BY TERMS SUCH AS "PSYCHO!", "THE B-WORD" OR SO FORTH THAT MOST PERSONS WHO I HAVE OBSERVED ON DR.  PHIL'S SHOW SAYING. 

COUPLES SOMETIMES HAVE TO WEIGH THEIR ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOURS ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED.  WHEN A COUPLE HAS RECPECT FOR EACHOTHER AND UNDERSTANDING OF EACHOTHER'S NEEDS AND INTERESTS, THEY, CAN SOMETIMES FIND A COMPROMISE TO RESOLVE THEIR DIFFERENCES. 

FOR SOME COUPLES, UNFORTUNATELY, SIMPLY HAVEN'T A CLUE OR A BACKUP PLAN TO COPE WITH THEIR DIFFERENCES AND INSTEAD WILL RESORT TO EXTREME MEASURES AS A LAST RESORT OR THE ONLY ANSWER IN DESPERATION FOR A QUICK FIX OR A SPEEDIER FIX 

WHEN WHAT THEY REALLY NEED IS HELP AND UNDERSTANDING AND AN OUTSIDER TO INTERVENE AND SHOW THEM OR TEACH THEM HOW TO LEARN TO RESPECT ONE ANOTHER OR HOW TO COMMUNICATE TO ONE ANOTHER WITH SCREAMING DOWN EACH OTHER'S THROATS. 

FOR SOME MALES, IT BASICALLY BOILS DOWN TO PRIDE, FEAR OF LETTING GO, SHOWING VULNERABILITY, ADMITTING THEY ARE WRONG OR THEY ARE BEHAVING BADLY, AND THAT THEY ARE WEAK AND NEED TO CHANGE IN ORDER TO IMPROVE THEIR COMMUNICATIONS WITH THEIR SPOUSES.  

I AM NOT A MALE, I CAN ONLY GO BY MY OWN EXPERIENCE FROM WHAT I HAVE LEARN FROM MALES WHO ARE NOT ONLY MY RELATIVES, MY FATHER, MY TEACHERS, MALE STUDENTS, ICONS, ROLE MODELS IN THE COMMUNITIES, AND MALES THAT I HAVE GENERALLY KNOWN OVER THE YEARS.  SOMETIMES ITS ABOUT THE MANCHO IMAGE AND BEING IN CONTROL. 

FOR WOMEN, IN GENERAL, SOMETIMES, THE ONLY FORM OF COMMUNICATION THEY RESORT TO IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH TO THEIR SPOUSES, IS BY SCREAMING AND THROWING THINGS AT THEIR SPOUSES.  MEN TENDS SOMETIMES MISINTERPRET THAT KIND OF COMMUNICATION AS HATRED OR ANGER FROM THEIR SPOUSES.  WHEN SOMETIMES WHAT THEIR SPOUSES ARE TRYING TO SAY IS I NEED LOVE, AFFECTION, COMFORT AND SUPPORT FROM YOU.  A HUG AND A GOOD CRYING IS THE BEST MEDICINE THAT COUPLES SOMETIMES NEED TO ENGAGE IN TO CLEANSE THEMSELVES OR TO FEEL THE PAIN IN THE PRESENT MOMENT AND SHARE THAT MOMENT AND ALLOW TO TAKE PLACE AND RELEASE IT TOGETHER. 

FOR SOME OF US, MANY GREW UP WITH PARENTS WHO WERE NOT AFFECTIONATE TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN WHO FELT STARVED FOR THE LOVE AND AFFECTION FROM THEIR PARENTS, THAT LATER IN THEIR LIVES, THEY DEPRIVE THEIR CHILDREN FROM THAT LOVE AND AFFECTION THAT THEIR PARENTS ROBBED FROM THEM. 

I EMPATHISE WITH YOUR SITUATION.  SOMETIMES, I FIND THAT IT IS BETTER TO SHOW EMOTIONS WHETHER IT BE CRYING OR SCREAMING, THAN, TO EXPRESS NOTHING AND PRETEND THAT YOU ARE NOT HUMAN ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO LOSE CONTROL OF OURSELVES. 

IT IS NOT SURPRISE THAT THOSE WHO DO NOT SHOW ANY EMOTIONS ARE THOSE WHO USUALLY DIE OF SOME FORM OF CANCER OR OTHER LONG TERM DISEASES. 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SHOWING YOUR EMOTIONS, BUT, ONE MUST BE MINDFUL THAT THOSE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO US OR LOVED ONES ARE NOT HARMED, VICTIMIZED, TRAUMATIZED OR THREATENED BY OUR FREEDOM OF CHOICE TO EXPRESS THOSE STRONG HUMAN EMOTIONS. 

IT IS SUCH A SHAME THAT EVEN IN THIS DAY IN AGE, DESPITE ALL THE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS AND SCIENTIFIC RESEARCHES AND ADVANCEMENTS, WE STILL FAIL TERRIBLY IN THE WESTERN WORLD TO ADDRESS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, DIVORCE, FIGHTING OR ARGUMENTS AMONG SPOUSES. 

I THINK EVERY FAMILY IS DIFFERENT AND EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN THIS WORLD HAS A RESPONSIBILITY WHETHER IT BE A VERY MINOR ONE OR A HUGE ONE, TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND LEARN TO MANAGE THOSE ACTIONS THAT MAY AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OUR SPOUSES OR LOVED ONES. 

NOONE IS IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF AND YOUR THOUGHTS BY YOURSELF.  THUS, IF ONE HAS A CONSCIOUS TO SEE, HEAR, LISTEN, TOUCH AND SMELL, THEN, DON'T WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO USE THOSE TREASURES AND GIFTS THAT GOD GAVE US DURING OUR CREATION TO ENHANCE AND ENRICH OUR COMMUNICATIONS AND REALTIONSHIPS WITH OUR SPOUSES OR LOVED ONES AND EVERYONE ELSE AROUND US. 

I USED THINK THAT THE MAJORITY OF COUPLES OR SPOUSES WHO FOUGHT PHYSICALLY DURING ARGUMENTS OR DISAGREEMENTS WERE THOSE WHO GENERALLY LACKED SOME FORM OF EDUCATION OR WERE INSECURE ABOUT THEIR SPOUSES SUCCEEDING IN THEIR CHOSEN CAREERS.   

LATER IN LIFE, I HAVE DISCARDED THIS MISCONCEPTION BECAUSE, I HEARD THAT COUPLES ALSO WHO ARE EDUCATED AND SUCCESSFUL ALSO ENGAGED IN SCREAMING MATCHES AND FIGHTING MATCHES WITH THEIR SPOUSES. 

ONE CAN ONLY BE NON-JUDGEMENTAL AND GIVE SUPPORT AND OPINIONS TO THOSE IN TROUBLE WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIPS TO BE OPEN-MINDED ABOUT THEIR CHOICES. 

THAT THERE ARE LOTS OF CHOICES TO CHOOSE FROM.  IF YOU FAIL ONE, THEN, THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE.   

SOMETIMES, PEOPLE ARE TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THEIR OLD HABITS, THAT EVENTUALLY, THEY BECOME LAZY TO FIX THEIR RELATIONSHIPS OR COMMUNICATIONS.  THEY WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO JUST GIVE THEM A QUICK FIX AND TAKE THE PROBLEMS OUT OF THEIR HANDS, WHEN IT JUST DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY IN LIFE.  WE AS INDIVIDUALS ALSO NEED TO CONTRIBUTE TO OUR OWN EFFORTS IN ORDER TO CHANGE OUR LIVES. 

WE SHOULD BE ALL VERY GRATEFUL THAT DR.PHIL. IS ALIVE AND WELL TO PROVIDE PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD THE STRATEGIES OR GUIDEGANCE TO GET HELP WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIPS OR COMMUNICATIONS. 

KINDEST REGARDS, 

ET 

Dear Claudia, 

It sounds like you never got around to being upfront with your mother about this issue.  You have allowed the issue to escalate to the degree that it has got to, because you were not honest about it from the beginning.   

• NOTHING LIKE A GOOD MOTHER TO DAUGHTER SITTING DOWN TOGETHER AND TALKING THINGS OUT TO GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM AND TELL HER STRAIGHT THAT IF SHE DIDN'T BACK OFF, YOU AND THOMAS ARE PACKING UP AND GOING BACK TO IRELAND, AND SHE CAN STAY BEHIND AND BE LEFT  WITH THE CHOICE OF NO MORE CONTACTS WITH THE GRANDKIDS;
• MOTHERS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE IN OUR LIVES WHETHER WE LIKE OR NOT;
• YOU DO HAVE THE OPTION OF PUTTING A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOUR MOTHER IF THATS HOW SERIOUS YOUR PROBLEM IS AND HOW FAR YOU WANT TO DRAG THIS ISSUE TO;
• IT IS THAT SIMPLE.  SOMETIMES, MOTHERS HAVE TO BE SHOWN HOW SERIOUS YOU REALLY ARE ABOUT.  THEY CAN'T READ YOUR MIND.  IT DOESN'T HELP IF YOU TAKE IT OUT ON THE HUSBAND AND KIDS AND IGNORE THE FACT THAT MUM IS THE REAL ISSUE.  SET CONSEQUENCES OR BOUNDARIES, IF YOU WANT TO BE THE BOSS IN YOUR FAMILY.  THERE IS ALWAYS A TENDER LOVING APPROACH TO COMPROMISE WITH MUM ABOUT THIS ISSUE;
• YOU WEIGH UP THE ODDS AND YOU MAKE THAT LAST CALL.  THAT WAY MUM CAN SEE THAT HER DAUGHTER HAS FINALLY GROWN UP AND BECOME THE RESPONSIBLE DAUGHTER THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO RAISE;
• IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD EITHER BE GRATEFUL I HAVE A MUM WHO IS STILL ALIVE AND AROUND TO WATCH OVER ME AND MY KIDS OR DO THE OPPOSITE;
• I'LL AGREE THAT YOU FEEL SMOTHERED BY YOUR MOTHER'S POSSESSIVENESS, BUT, ITS YOU THAT ALSO NEEDS TO CHANGE YOUR WAY OF ANALYSING YOUR MOTHER'S BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOUR CHILDREN;
• YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK YOURSELF UP ABOUT EVERYTHING YOUR MOTHER QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR DECISIONS OR CHOICES YOU MAKE.  YOU CAN ALWAYS JOKE OR LAUGH AT HER COMMENTS AND BE LIGHTHEARTED ABOUT IT;
• I'M SURE THAT ONCE IN A WHILE YOU DO NEED MUM AROUND TO TENDER TO YOUR CHILDREN;
• THE SITUATION DOESN'T HELP EITHER WHEN MUM BUILTS HER HOUSE NEXT DOOR;
• BUT, OBVIOUSLY, YOU WERE BOTH AWARE FROM THE BEGINNING THAT MUM WAS GOING TO LIVE NEXT TO YOU BOTH ANYWAY;
• MY HONEST OPINION, THERE ARE MANY SOLUTIONS TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE RATHER THAN GOING BACK TO IRELAND ALL THAT WAY FOR NOTHING.  SOME OF THOSE SUGGESTIONS I HAVE NOTED IN THE ABOVE.  I WOULDN'T LET MY MOTHER BE THE REASON FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS AND HUSBAND TO MOVE BACK TO IRELAND.  THAT WOULD SOUND SILLY TO EVERYONE BACK IN IRELAND TO FIND OUT THAT YOU CAME BACK HOME, BECAUSE YOU HAD TO GET AWAY FROM MUM. 
• I THINK YOU WOULD BE TRIVIALISING THIS ISSUE IF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WENT BACK TO IRELAND SO YOU GET AWAY FROM MUM'S POSSESSIVENESS, WHEN, THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS YOU ARE RUNNING FROM YOURSELF AND SOMETHING ELSE.
• I PLEAD YOU PLEASE DO NOT RUN FROM MUM, BECAUSE YOU WILL REGRET IT AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER GET THE BLESSINGS THAT THEY DESERVE FROM MUM;
• ITS BLESSINGS THAT ARE UNSEEN.  DON'T BE A FOOL BE SMART AND BE HONEST AND KEEP ON LOVING;

This is all I have to add to this discussion.  Peace Out. 

ET 

LOVE THE EXPRESSION AND THE COLOUR OF YOUR MESSAGE. 

VERY DRAMATIC AND POWERFUL AS WELL AS EYECATCHING. 

CLAUDIA COULD CHANGE ALL THE LOCKS ON THEIR PROPERTY IF SHE REALLY WANTS TO GET CONTROL OF THINGS.  

THERE SHOULD BE A GRAMMY OR A SPECIAL MEDAL FOR UNIQUE MESSAGES LIKE YOURS. 

PEACE OUT. 

ET 

Dear Linda, 

I have no sympathy for you if you continue to put yourself at risk by accepting men who are physically abusive and verbally abusive towards you.  Obviously, your view of healthy relationships and love are severely distorted.  Perhaps, after counselling and a good deal of professional support and help to understand why you should not accept such men into your life, then, you may have a second chance in life and you will learn to appreciate life in ways that you never saw or imagine could happen to you.   

If you accept Eddie as your soulmate and love of your life, then, obviously, you are saying you accept his abusive behaviour as well as the physical abuse and the fact he should not be punished for shooting you in your right eye.   

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR RIGHT EYE AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR THINKING.  UNLESS, YOU COME TO TERMS IN YOURSELF, THAT, WHAT EDDIE DID WAS UNACCEPTABLE AND WRONG AND THAT HE SHOULD BE MADE ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS. 

HOWEVER, NO ONE WAS THERE WHEN THE SHOOTING HAPPENED.  ITS YOUR WORD AGAINST EDDIE'S WORD.  EVEN IF IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, IT SHOULD NOT BE REASON FOR YOU TO TOLERATE HIS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR AND THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LOST A RIGHT EYE DUE TO HIS NEGLIGENCE OR RECKLESS DISCHARGED OF A FIRE ARM.  HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE FOR MANSLAUGHTER.   

ANYONE WHO IS CAPABLE TO FIRE A SHOT GUN TO A LOVED ONE IS SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE THAT IF HE FAILED TO KILL YOU WITH THE GUN, HE'LL KILL YOU PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY VIA VERBAL ABUSE AND PHYSICAL ABUSE.  SO EDDIE'S REALITY BECOMES YOUR REALITY BECAUSE YOU ACCEPT IT AND TOLERATED IT. 

YOU EFFECTIVELY, GIVE YOUR LIFE TO SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T EVEN BRING YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND NOR CREATED YOU FOR THE LIFE YOU HAVE.   

GOD DID NOT CREATE EVE FOR ADAM TO BE USED AS A PUNCHING BAG OR A KICKING BAG OR A SHOOTING TARGET.  

GOD CREATED ADAM AND EVE TO NURTURE AND SUPPORT EACHOTHER IN THEIR DAILY DUTIES AND PURPOSES IN LIFE.  GOD KNEW THAT ADAM COULDN'T BE SUPERMAN AND THEREFORE NEEDED EVE TO BALANCE OUT THE SCALE AND TO DISTRIBUTE THEIR WORK EQUALLY AND HARMONIOUSLY. 

IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE LIGHT, THEN, I CAN'T MAKE YOU SEE THE LIGHT.  

MAYBE YOU NEED TO GO LIVE FOR A YEAR WITH A FAMILY, WHERE YOU WILL EXPERIENCE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND SEE HOW HUSBANDS AND WIFES LIVE AND TREAT ONE ANOTHER IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE HEALTHY AND RESPECTABLE. 

OR GO AND LIVE FOR A YEAR IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CULTURE OR COUNTRY SUCH AS HAWAII, SAMOA, AFRICA, ASIA, INDIA, OR OTHER STATES IN AMERICA, TRY TEXAS, ETC.  THEN, YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN. 

GOD BLESS YOU MY SISTER, 

PEACE OUT, 

ET 

Dr.  Phil, “Do you love your wife Ryan?”,

Ryan, “I think so.  Only when she pisses me off or gets on my nerves.”

Dr.  Phil, “So, another words, if, no violence, no cursing, no physical abuse and verbal abuse towards Michelle, then, there simply is no love or go for you?”

Ryan, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Dr.  Phil, “Well, I’d say you got a clear case of darn right bullying and cowardice syndrome.” 

Dear gw151873, 

Herein is a quote that may answer your question as to how one raises his or her self-esteem: 

Quotes are elicited from "A Book of Bible Help" by Ruth Connell as follows: 

1. "The Lord is compassionate and gracious slow to anger, abounding in love...he does not  treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the  heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him", (Psalm 103: 8,10-11);
2. "This is how God showed his love among us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love:  not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins...God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.", (1 John 4:0-10,16);
3. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.", (Hebrews 11:1,6);

Self-esteem means confidence in your own worth or abilities.   

The fact that you made the decision to share your situation with everyone on the message board, says to me that you took, your first lesson to raising your own self-esteem.   

When you shared your story with us all, this was your testimony to us all, that something is wrong with your relationship and how you are treated by your abusive husband is unacceptable and you wish to make changes to preserve what self-esteem you still have before it is completely sabotaged. 

There are many resources as per books and websites that many of our colleagues have posted in the message board for you to take steps in raising your self-esteem. 

SELF-ESTEEM CAN BE RAISED EVEN MORE IF YOU LET GOD'S LOVE EMBRACE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE COURAGE TO GET EMPOWERMENT AND HELP.   

FEAR GOD MORE THAN YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU WILL HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOU.   

YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF, WHETHER YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND OR YOURSELF AND GOD.  IF YOU STILL WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOUR HUSBAND, THEN, ITS A QUESTION OF WHETHER HE WANTS TO CHANGE OR THAT YOUR BOTH SEEK COUNSELLING.  

SOMETIMES, ITS BEST TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND TO SORT HIMSELF OUT WHILST YOU TOOK SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF TO GET HELP AND PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT.   

SINCE YOUR HUSBAND SEEMS ADAMANT HE KNOWS EVERYTHING AND HOW THINGS SHOULD BE DONE PERFECTLY ACCORDING TO HIS MIND, WHY, BOTHER WITH HIS CONTINUOUS WHINGEING AND PERSISTENT ABUSE ANYMORE.  IF HE TRULY WANTED TO TAKE YOUR LIFE, HE COULDN'T DONE IT A LONG TIME.  DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HIM AND TENDER TO HIS EVERY NEEDS.   

IF HE IS PHYSICALLY STRONG AND ABLE THEN, HE DOESN'T NEED YOU AND HE CAN LOOK AFTER HIMSELF WITHOUT YOUR HELP.  HE CAN CALL HIS FAMILY TO COME AND TENDER TO HIS NEEDS AND DUTIES IF HE GETS LONELY AND SCARED OF BEING BY HIMSELF. 

IT WAS HIGHTIME YOUR MR KNOW IT ALL HUSBAND GOT HIS PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.  IT IS JUST LUCKY THAT HE IS NOT MARRIED TO AN ABUSIVE WIFE WHO PUT HIM IN PLACE AND PHYSICALLY BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHT OUT OF HIM EVERYDAY TO GET A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE. 

IN THE ANCIENT TIMES, MEN WHO PHYSICALLY ABUSED THEIR WIFES, WERE SENT TO A BOOTCAMP WHERE THEY WOULD FACE THEMSELVES TO FIGHT IT OUT WITH OTHER BULLIES TO SEE WHO WAS A REAL MAN OR A PURELY A SISSY IN THE MAKING. 

THERE ARE OTHER CULTURES, WHERE IS A MAN BEATS UP HIS WIFE, THE WIFE'S BROTHERS OR MEN OF THE TOWN WOULD COME AND BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHT OUT OF HIM.  SINCE HE HAS BEEN IN PRISON IN AND OUT.  IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WAKE UP CALL FOR YOU TO GET PHYSICALLY FIT AND GO LEARN KARATE, SELF-DEFENCE OR SOME FORM OF PHYSICAL TRAINING.  THIS KIND OF MAN WILL NEAR GET IT UNTIL A WIFE BEATS THE LIVING DAYLIGHT OUT OF HIM. 

THESE ARE ONLY EXAMPLES.  THEY SOUND DRASTIC AND SERIOUS.  IT SHOULD NOT BE IDEAS THAT YOU SHOULD APPLY AT ALL.  BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE YOU THE SAME AS YOUR HUSBAND. 

MEN ARE SUPPOSE TO PROTECT THEIR WIFES AND CHILDREN, NOT BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHT OUT OF THEM.  MEN ARE ONLY MEANT TO USE FORCE AND PHYSICAL APPLICATION IN SITUATIONS OF DANGER AND THREAT. 

EVERYONE WHO ARE HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS OR ARE IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD DO A COURSE CALLED "THE LANDMARK FORUM".   

I have had a relative who did this course and it has changed his or her life.  She or he swears by the "Landmark Forum" course as a miracle, because it has saved many marriages on the brink of divorce or separation.  All those who were in abusive relationships finally made peace with themselves and lived more fulfilling relationships with spouses, parents and children. 

This is all I have to add to your question, my sister. 

Peace Out, 

ET 

DEAR COLLEAGUES WHO ARE IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS, 

Wouldn't it be in everyone interest to at least attend some form of self-defence courses to protect themselves from their abusers. 

The mentality of an Abuser is someone who emulates the following personalities: 

1. Their ego is fed on your fear, low self-esteem, your bodily expressions that gives him or her power to have control over you;
2. They are compulsive insecured, confused, lost souls;
3. They often use physical abuse and verbal abuse as strategies to intimidate you and harass you to try to scare the living days out of you;
4. Those are the only types of communication styles they know works best to accommodate their abusive behaviour;
5. This means, that, they have very low self-esteem and in desperation are always searching for external objects or factors to hide their real insecurities and fears about themselves;
6. They love to scare the living days out of their spouses or loved ones who are closest to them because they know they can get away with it and there is no one to challenge their distorted ideals and abusive bad habits;
7. It could become some form of addiction for them because they've been allowed to get away with it far too much and have had no intervention or a wake up call to stop their abusive behaviour or scare the living daylight out of them;'
8. Most of them, are matured enough and are aware of the negative impact their behaviour has on their spouses or loved ones as noted by guests who have been invited on Dr.  Phil's show to discuss their abusive behaviours towards their spouses;
9. Most of them, are not as stupid as they appear to be;
10. Most of them could be labelled as "TYRANTS" who have no remorse or sense of respect for anyone, let alone the furniture or inanimate objects;
11. The mentality of most of them are so low that their self-esteem, couldn't be detected because, they were sitting on it;

It is unfortunate that once you are in a relationship with an abuser and you have children, the cycle of abuse becomes very difficult to reprimand and deter.   

It's too impossible to teach an old dog new tricks as the expression goes. 

It just means that it's going to require a lot of work, effort and commitment to get to the end of the rainbow. 

It would be a life worth livinging and saving if those already in abusive relationships with children, can turn their lives around for the better and the best. 

If you had a choice to come back to complete what you failed to complete the first time, probably changing your relationships with your spouses where were physically abused and mistreated, would be your highest destiny to achieve.   

You will get not only a second chance in the kingdom, but, you'll also get the Medal of Honour for Courage and Bravery with Full Honours. 

THIS MEDAL OF HONOUR FOR COURAGE AND BRAVERY WITH FULL HONOURS IS AN AWARD THAT IS THE HIGHEST HONOUR TO HUMANITY.   

EVEN A GRAMMY, A GOLDEN GLOBE, A DOCTORATE, AN OSCAR, A NOBEL PEACE PRICE WINNER, AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL, THE NAVY MEDAL OF HONOURS, THE WAR MEDAL OF HONOURS, THE WAR VETERANS' MEDAL OF HONOURS, THE PROFESSORSHIP HONOURS, COULD NEVER AMOUNT TO THIS SPECIAL MEDAL I AM TALKING ABOUT. 

THESE AWARDS ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO: 

" THE MEDAL OF HONOUR FOR COURAGE AND BRAVERY WITH FULL HONOURS". 

ITS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME AWARD. 

Perhaps, if something had been done much earlier about the abusive behaviour, even before making the long-term commitment to marry, get engaged or get hitched, then, perhaps, the intervention into the abusive behaviour would have been under control and apprehended at its early stages before escalation to the worst end of the scale. 

FOR THOSE WHO SEEM TO BE UNABLE TO LEAVE THEIR ABUSIVE SITUATIONS.   

THE NUMBER OPTION FOR YOU IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FURTHER HARM. 

YOU MAY NEED TO BECOME RESOURCEFUL, INNOVATIVE, AND CREATIVE ABOUT STRATEGIES TO COUNTERACT YOUR ABUSER FROM PHYSICALLY HARMING YOU ANY FURTHER. 

ABUSERS DON'T LIKE SURPRISES AND BEING MADE TO FEEL SMALL, HUMILIATED, OR MADE TO FEEL INADEQUATE. 

YOU MAY WISH TO TRY OUT SOME SMALL STRATEGIES TO COUNTERACT THE BEHAVIOURS. 

WOMEN ARE NOT PHYSICALLY STRONG AND FOR SOME ITS A CASE OF FEAR OF BEING IN CONTROL OR INFLICTING HARM ON THEIR MEN.  ITS TOUGH WHEN SOME WOMEN DON'T HAVE THE MANCHO ATTITUDE OR TOUGH ATTITUDE.  SOME ARE TOO SOFT OR TOO NICE.  IT MIGHT MEAN THAT THEY NEED TO GO SEEK ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING OR CLASSES SO THAT YOUR HUSBANDS COULD BE CHALLENGED.   

THE MORE PASSIVE AND RESISTENT YOU ARE TOWARDS YOUR ATTACKER OR YOUR ABUSER, THE WORST ITS GOING TO GET FOR YOU. 

I AM REALLY SURPRISED THAT SOME OF THOSE WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN PHYSICALLY ABUSED HAVE SELF-CONTROL AND NEVER LOSE IT TO THE BRINK OF POISONING THEIR HUSBANDS, SETTING TRAPS OR HARMING THEM WHILE THEY ARE ASLEEP. 

LET ALONE I DON'T UNDERSTAND FOR THE LIFE OF ME, HOW, THEY COULD BE INTIMATE WITH THEIR ABUSIVE HUSBANDS AND SLEEP IN THE SAME BEDS EVERY NIGHT, YEAR AFTER YEAR. 

WE WILL ADMIT THERE HAVE BEEN HORROR STORIES ABOUT TERRIBLE DEATHS ALL OVER THE WORLD REGARDING MEN AND WOMEN. 

HOWEVER, WE WOULD ALL WISH NOT TO BE ONE OF THOSE STATISTICS. 

REMEMBER AN ABUSER CAN DO ALL HE OR SHE WANTS TO PROVOKE YOU OR GET A REACTION FROM YOU.  

BUT AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO LAY A FINGER ON YOU OR A SCRATCH ON YOU, YOU ARE IN CONTROL AND A WINNER. 

SO IF THEY COME AT YOU TO TRY AND THROW YOU AGAINST THE WALL OR THROW SOMETHING AT YOU, YOU HAVE TO ENSURE THAT HE OR SHE IS NOT ABLE TO LEAVE A BRUISE OR HARM YOU. 

BELIEVE ME THEY WILL EXHAUST THEMSELVES, IF ALL YOU DO IS OUTSMART THEM, AND BE QUICK ON YOUR FEET AS WELL AS YOUR MIND. 

SOME OF THEM ARE PLAIN DUMB AND STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO SURPRISES. 

ITS NO WONDER THEY ONLY KNOW PHYSICAL AND VERBAL ABUSE.  BECAUSE THAT IS HOW SMART THEY REALLY ARE. 

IF THEY THROW A KNIFE AT YOU, YOU MUST AVOID IT AND SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOUR.  YOU DON'T LIKE IT.  YOU DECIDE ON WHAT CONSEQUENCES OR PRIVILEGES YOU ARE GOING TO DO TO REPRIMAND HIS OR HER  BEHAVIOUR.  

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL HIM OR HER WHAT CONSEQUENCES THAT YOU ARE GOING TO APPLY TO DEAL WITH THE UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR. 

YOU NEED TO CALL YOUR NEIGHBOUR OR YOUR RELATIVES TO HAVE A FAMILY CONFERENCE THAT SO AND SO JUST TRIED TO KILL ME OR HURT ME AND I WANT SOMEONE TO TELL HIM OR HER THAT THEIR BEHAVIOUR HAS TO STOP AND THAT IT IS UNACCEPTABLE. 

I KNOW A LOT OF COUPLES WOULD SAY, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS OUT OF OUR AFFAIRS. 

THIS IS WHERE EVERYONE GETS IT WRONG.  WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS THAT IS ONE BIG FAMILY.  WE ARE ALL RELATED BECAUSE WE ARE MAMMALS AND BLOOD RUNS THROUGH OUR VEINS. 

SOME OF THEM DON'T EVEN KNOW TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES OR SURVIVE IN THIS COLD WORLD WITHOUT YOUR EXISTENCE OR HELP. 

SINCE THERE ARE LAWS THAT GIVES US RIGHTS TO PROTECT OUR INTERESTS IN SOCIETY, WE ALL HAVE AS MUCH BUSINESS WHEN IT COMES TO PHYSICAL ABUSE, VERBAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TO PEOPLE WE KNOW VERY WELL IN OUR NEIGHBOURHOOD OR COMMUNITY. 

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ABUSER WHOSE WIFE OR HUSBAND ABANDONED? 

I KNOW: 

HE OR SHE WAS SO ASHAMED THAT HE OR SHE HAD TO RETREAT TO HIS OR HER LONELY WORLD.   

HE OR SHE BECAME A NICE ORNAMENT THAT DIDN'T EXIST AND WAS SO DUSTY AND RUSTY THAT IT HAD NO PLACE TO GO TO OR EXIST. 

SOMEONE ELSE SAID THEY SAW SOMEONE RUNNING DOWN THE ALLEY WITH SUCH A LONG TAIL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS. 

This is all I have to add to this unfortunate plague. 

ET 

Dear Dr.  Phil, 

Thank you for your the immense hard work that you engage in everyday.  At first, I hesitated in posting messages on your website. 

Now, I am grateful, for having encountered your website and learnt from everyone else's experiences shared about the various issues that affects all of us in some form or another. 

Many have open up and finally come to terms with their cognitive thinking or abusive behaviours that has enslaved their lives for years. 

Breaking the silence and the internal turmoil of being abused or traumatized is setting some  of us free at last.  My opinion is that men tend to shy away from talking to a professional about their problems or issues.  Women are the forefront of open communication and seeking professional help or counselling when they have problems.  This sets them apart from men in general. 

The metaphoric expression like father like son, like mother like daughter has been true in most cases of physical abuse and verbal abuse.  As noted in some of the messages posted on this board. 

Too often people want to get away with the excuse that their abusive behaviour was due to their encounter of physical abuse and verbal abuse by their parents or caregivers when they were growing up as toddlers, children and teenagers. 

To some extend this is usually the case.  However, it can also be one of those excuses, that could be easily bought or accepted.  Everyone pretty much these days will buy into it and accept it.  

The saying like father like son and like mother like daughter is very poweful and influential in everyone's lives.  The parents are the adults in a family and their main job is to rear and nurture the children.  Automatically, the parents, become the influential role models that children look up to and mimick with absolute admiration, loyalty and obedience.  

It is unfortunate for most of us to grow up in abusive environments that is neither nourishing nor healthy.  For some of us despite growing up in abusive environments we still live successful and nurturing lives thereafter.  That we managed to not repeat the cycle, instead we learn from such historical mistakes and imperfections because we make the decision to change our lives for the better.  I know that there have been people I knew who grew up in very abusive and violent environments as well as upbringing, yet, they still grew up to be fantastic and outstanding role models and citizens to their country and communities. 

So, the excuse, that I beat up my spouse, because, my father did the same to my mother is nothing more than an excuse and a fabricated story to hide the real issue. 

I recalled back years ago walking past a neighbour's house, and I saw both the father and mother screaming at this toddler who was no more than 2 years old.  I couldn't believe my eyes at the fact that this child was so tiny and helpless, yet, they were screaming obscenities at the child who seemed clueless and oblivious to their commands. 

I never quite got it then, as a teenager seeing it at that time.  Now, in my 30's I finally understood the significance of that incident I witnessed as a teenager regarding this toddler or child with the raging parents.  

The parents were in their late twenties early 30's or older, didn't quite understand their own behaviour.  They were so stupid to see the real problem is their screaming obscenties at this child.  A child at the age of 2 years has no sense of right and wrong.  They do not have the discernment or maturity to understand their parent's instructions that adults would understand automatically.  The parents are the only ones that would have known of this developmental stage that their child had not quite peaked to.   

Tying shoe laces and knowing which is your right foot or left foot seems to be something that children below the age of 5 years or 6 years find it difficult to grasp.  Unfortunately, there are bright children who do master this phenomenon much earlier than their peers. 

So their obsenities and screaming could amount to nothing more than a good waste of oxygen and energy.  

Today, I had this strange thought, about the irony of children being scared of the dark, the boogie man, the ghost or the monster.  

I giggled like a little child, when, I remembered the story of Red Riding Hood and the big bad wolf.   

It dawned on me, that the real monster or big bad wolf is our parents or the ones we sleep with every night, year after year. 

Poor Mummy or Daddy tenders to the Monster, by cooking his or her favourite meals, by obeying his or her every word, nurturing him or her and sleeping beside him or her every night, year after year.   

Then, instead of being rewarded for all that nurturing and 10 years of hard labour without a bonus, the Monster, turns on him or her and kicks him or her out of her or his own house. 

What an ungrateful Monster!   

So listen up little children, beware of the Monsters you live with everyday.   

Even if they read you bedtime stories and fairy tales, beware of the Monsters. 

And you'll all live happily ever after. 

The End. 

ET 

Dear Giffin, 

I've read your horrific experience and accounts of your historical abusive events.  

You asked Can Abusers change? 

I hope you have self-control as you read my reply to your question. 

As an Abuser, you have to accept comments that are going to incite hostility from you.  You will always encounter situations in which you are going to be a target and be provoked. 

From what I have read about your too honest message, is that you should count your lucky stars that you are not in jail for 10 years or more, considering some of the GRUESOME incriminating behaviours that you, yourself has confessed to doing. 

Which shows clearly, that you have a long long long way to go with your rehabilitation program and counselling.   

A little bit is never going to do it and neither is it going to compensate all those terrrible deeds or harmful behaviours you inflicted on others, mostly those who are your own loved ones, even your own spouse who is now deemed helpless and NUMB AS YOU REFER TO. 

YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO EVEN SAY THAT YOU ARE GUILTY OF MAKING YOUR SPOUSE OR FORMER WIFE "NUMB".  

LET ME SAY THIS, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD NUMB OR SORRY IF IT STARED YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE. 

ITS NICE TO SEE THAT YOU'RE A SMARTY PANTS IN BEING HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU MISTREATED YOUR WIFE AND HOW YOU SEXUALLY ABUSED HER AND POSSIBLY MORE. 

YOU USE THE WORD "COERCING SEX" TO CLEARLY STATE AS PLAIN AS BLUE SKY TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD HOW YOU SEXUALLY ABUSED YOUR WIFE BY FORCE DESPITE HER SAYING  "NO" OR "I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR IT".   

THIS IS AN INCRIMINATING BEHAVIOUR THAT IS NOT ONLY DEGRADING, PAINFUL, TRAUMATIZING, BUT ALSO VERY DAMAGING TO YOUR WIFE IN MANY YEARS TO COME. 

HOW DARE YOU AND YOUR SORRY PAST AND HISTORY OF ABUSE COULD BE  A JUSTIFICATION FOR YOU TO DESTROY YOUR WIFE, WHOM YOU SAY HAS NOT ONLY BEEN IN JAIL, BUT, IS AT A SHELTER AND IS HOMELESS.   

WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST TRANSFER YOUR ABUSIVE PAIN AND AFFLICTIONS TO THE WOMAN WHO WAS ALREADY IN DEPRESSION, AND A VICTIM OF MANY MISFORTUNATES. 

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERN, YOU HAVE ONLY STARTED TO SCRATCH THE SURFACE OF YOUR PROBLEM.  YOU HAVE A LOT TO OWE NOT ONLY TO YOURSELF, YOUR WIFE AND EVERYBODY ELSE WHOM YOU HAVE TERRORIZED AND VICTIMIZED. 

AS SOON AS I READ YOUR MESSAGE I KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOUR MIND.   

YOU ARE TERRIBLY TERRIBLY VERY ILL AND NEED NOT ONLY COUNSELLING, BUT, PSYCHIATRIC ATTENTION.  

 I CAN SEE ALREADY THAT YOU HAVE SEVERAL ISSUES THAT YOU NEED TO ADDRESS IF YOU WANT TO FULLY REHABILITATE YOURSELF.   

YOU WILL ALSO NEED SEXUAL ABUSE COUNSELLING.  YOU MAY NEED MEDICATION TO ASSIST YOU WITH CONTROLLING YOUR ANGER AND OTHER PAINS THAT YOU HAVE.  ONE FORM OF COUNSELLING IS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR YOU. 

SINCE YOU WERE A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND MOLESTATION AT THE AGE OF 4 - 14 YEARS, YOU WILL NOW NEED TO CALL UPON ALL YOUR RESOURCES TO CLEANSE YOURSELF OF ALL THOSE BURDENS, SHADOWS AND PAINS THAT HAVE ENSLAVED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOW. 

AND THERE HAS BEEN NO FORM OF SEXUAL ABUSE COUNSELLING SINCE THEN UNTIL NOW AT THE AGE OF 32.   

NOW YOU ARE GOING TO DICK DEEP AND WORK A LOT MORE HARDER AND DEEPER TO GET ALL THAT NONSENSE AND RUBBISH THAT IS ROOTED INSIDE OF YOU.   

IT WILL TAKE AT LEAST 5 - 10 YEARS OF COUNSELLING BEFORE YOU CAN BE DECLARED AS A MENTALLY FIT AND ABLE PERSON TO BE WITH YOUR WIFE AND ANYONE ELSE IN SOCIETY. 

YOU ARE WHAT WE CALL A VERY VERY DANGEROUS PERSON AND SHOULD BE PLACED IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT UNTIL ARE FIT ENOUGH TO BE RELEASED BACK INTO SOCIETY. 

YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE NOT ONLY BY THE POLICE, THE JUDGE, THE LEGAL SYSTEM OR JUDICIARY BRANCH, AND ALSO BY SOCIETY AS A WHOLE AS NOTED BY YOUR COMMENTS OF PEOPLE SUCH AS YOUR BOSS AND OTHERS WHOM YOU HAVE SHARED YOUR COUNSELLING OR ABUSE PROGRAM TO. 

NO POINT IN WRITING YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT YOUR NEEDING HELP AND FEELING SORRY ABOUT YOUR WIFE, AND YOU DON'T DO NOTHING TO REHABILITATE YOURSELF. 

YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHETHER YOU WERE ALSO IN AND OUT OF PRISON.   

I CAN SAY NOW, THAT, JUST BY READING YOUR DETAILED ACCOUNTS, YOU ARE NOT VERY FAR FROM KILLING SOMEONE ONE DAY.  IF ITS NOT NOW, TOMORROW, OR NEXT WEEK, IT MAY BE IN 5 YEARS TIME OR IN A YEAR. 

HEED MY TEACHINGS AND ADVICE.  IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT CHANGING YOUR LIFE AROUND, GET REAL AND DO IT, STARTING TOMORROW.   

IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO HEAR IN 6 MONTHS TIME, WHETHER YOU HAVE PROGRESSED IN YOUR REHABILITATION OR HAVE YOU BECOME NUMBED OR PARALYZED. 

A LITTLE BIT IS NOTHING.  IF YOU WANT THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK 10 TIMES MORE TO REAP THE BENEFITS OF YOUR REHABILITATION PROGRAMME AND GET MORE MEANINGFUL ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTION AS POSED: 

CAN ABUSERS CHANGE? 

YOU WILL NEVER FIND OUT THE REAL ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THE WORK THAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU WITH YOUR REHABILITATION. 

NO ONE CAN GIVE YOU A DEFINITE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION UNTIL YOU HAVE REACHED THE STAGE OF FULL RECOVERY, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY, YOU STILL HAVEN'T QUITE GOT THERE YET. 

YOU GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.  IF YOU'RE SO SMART I WOULD URGE YOU TO READ AS MUCH AS POSSIBLY ABOUT WOMEN'S ISSUES, ABUSE, EFFECTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE ON THE VICTIMS, AND SO FORTH. 

YOU MAY EVEN TRY GOING TO WORKSHOPS WHERE VICTIMS OF ABUSE TALK ABOUT THEIR HORRIFIC ORDEALS.   

ONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF THEIR BEHAVIOURS TO FULLY UNDERSTAND THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS. 

I WONDER WHAT HAPPEN TO THE BOY WHO ABUSED YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WHEN YOU WERE BOTH YOUNG.   

WHY DIDN'T YOU DEAL WITH IT AT THE TIME?  HOW COME YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE SEXUAL ABUSE BY THAT BOY? 

I WOULD BE VERY SAD TO KNOW THAT THE BOY WHO ABUSED YOU AS A CHILD HAS ALREADY HARMED OTHER YOUNG BOYS OR GIRLS.   

YOU REALLY ARE A HORROR STORY OR A THRILLER THAT WOULD MAKE ONE CRINGE. 

OBVIOUSLY, YOU SEEMED TO HAVE LACKED GOOD ROLE MODELS AT THE TIME AND WAS POSSIBLY NEGLECTED AT TIMES.  YOUR WELCOME TO REPLY TO SOME OF MY COMMENTS. 

The comment you made as follows: 

"I just hope that I can help the innocent woman whom I made NUMB get feeling, life and self esteem back.  Maybe someday after she sees that I have indeed changed then we can start over." 

LET ME TELL YOU NOW, THAT THIS WISH OR DREAM OF YOURS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. 

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO WANT YOU BACK INTO HER LIFE? 

AFTER ALL THE DAMAGE YOU HAD DONE WITHOUT MERCY. 

THAT IS WISHFUL THINKING.  ONCE SOMEONE IS FULLY REHABILITATED AND HAS RECOVERED FROM THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR, YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO GO BACK THERE OR IN THE PAST.   

IF YOU DO WANT TO GO TO THE PAST, THEN, YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT YOU NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION TO REHABILITATE YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE and move on.   

YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK, IF YOU BECOME FULLY REHABILITATED AND YOU SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.   

JUST BECAUSE, THERE IS A CHANCE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOUR WIFE, IS GOING TO WANT YOU BACK OR COME RUNNING BACK TO YOU. 

NO ONE CAN CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON.  IT IS A SHAME THAT YOU LEFT IT RATHER TOO LATE THIS REHABILITATION OR COUNSELLING.  BUT, ITS BETTER NOW THEN, NEVER AT ALL. 

I hope that I've unravelled some mysteries with your case. 

I don't blame that other reply from someone else to your message. 

I just hope that you'll stop being argumentative, but, let it sink into your head. 

You're lucky that Dr.  Phil is a busy man and has a busy schedule, because I'm sure he would love to reply to you which he hasn't the time to. 

So, I have taken that liberty to reply to you personally. 

LETS SEE SOME PROGRESS. 

OH YES.  I ALMOST FORGOT.  THE COMMENT THAT PATHETIC POLICE SAID TO YOUR WIFE AS FOLLOWS: 

            ."Put your hands over your face and head and curl up".  

IT SPEAKS LOUD AND CLEAR, THAT, YOU HAVE FREQUENTLY, ASSAULTED YOUR WIFE OR INFLICTED GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM TO HER BODY.   

POLICE SHOULD HAVE ADVICED HER THAT IF YOU TRY TO ASSAULT HER, GIVE THEM A CALL, AND THEY'LL LOCK YOU UP.  RATHER THEN, COVER YOUR FACE AND CURL UP. 

YOU SHOULD TARGET THAT ANGER INTO SOME SPORT OR A HOBBY RATHER THEN YOUR WIFE. 

COME ON, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.  IF YOU ARE REALLY SMART, YOU'LL FIND OTHER MORE CONSTRUCTIVE MEANS OF DE-STRESSING YOURSELF OR DEALING WITH YOUR ANGER AND TEMPER OR SELF-CONTROL. 

ITS ALL VERY NICE TO GIVE PEOPLE SO MANY ADVICES, BUT, THERE IS ALSO THE BENEFIT OF A DOUBT, WHEN, FINANCE OR MONEY IS ANY ISSUE.  I SHOULD BILL YOU FOR THE USAGE OF MY POWER TO WRITE REPLY. 

I AM GENEROUS TODAY. 

I BETTER LET YOU GET BACK TO WORK AS YOU GOT A LOT TO DO. 

Peace Out 

ET 

 Dear Giffin,

LET’S SEE WHAT PROGRESS HAVE YOU DONE SINCE YOUR LAST REPLIES:

"I thought I was seeking help, some advice, etc. when I posted what I posted. I did not think I myself would have to suffer abuse from people who do not even know me."

"I hope I get other responses than the abusive people that have obviously need help themselves!"

AS THEY SAY WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

YOU WERE ASKING FOR TROUBLE WHEN YOU WROTE YOUR MESSAGE THE WAY THAT YOU DID, MR INNOCENT.

NO ONE SAID YOU WERE A SAINT OR YOUR SON'S MOTHER WAS A SAINT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I'M GLAD YOU HAVE SEEN SOME SENSE.  BUT IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH TO UNDO THE DAMAGE THAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. 

I'M GLAD TO SEE THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOME HOPE FOR YOU AFTERALL. 

LET’S SEE IF YOU ARE FOR REAL IF YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL OF YOUR TEMPER AND YOUR SEXUAL GRATIFICATIONS.

THERE WILL BE NO OTHER RESPONSES THAN ALWAYS VERY AGGRAVATING ONES TO COUNTERACT THE SEVERITY OF THE DEGREE OF HARM YOU HAVE ENGAGED IN.

THE WAY YOU WROTE YOUR MESSAGE WAS SARCASTIC AS WELL AS VERY DEROGATORY AS THOUGH YOU WERE SHOWING OFF TO THE BIG WIDE WORLD HOW TOUGH AND MEAN YOU WERE OR HOW BAD YOU REALLY ARE. 

AND HOW BIG OF A MAN YOU ARE WHEN YOU WERE ONLY MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT BY POSTING SUCH A MESSAGE?

DID YOU THINK THAT PEOPLE WERE GOING TO REWARD YOU BY SENDING YOU LOVE LETTERS OR FAN LETTERS?

THIS IS WHY YOU ARE VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY ILL, PYSCHOLOGICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.

YOU HAVE A SCARED LITTLE BOY IN YOU.  WANTING YOU TO REALISE THAT YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM AND GET HIM HELP TO FREE HIM AND SET HIM FREE ON HIS WAY TO LIBERATION.

THAT LITTLE SCARED BOY DOES NOT WANT YOU TO ENSLAVE HIM ANYMORE.

HE HAS BEEN WANTING TO COME OUT A LONG TIME AGO.

BUT, BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNNESS, YOUR IMMATURITY, YOUR FEAR OF LETTING GO OF THE NONSENSE AND SO FORTH THAT HAS BEEN YOUR COMFORTER; YOU HAVE TRAPPED THAT SCARED LITTLE BOY INSIDE FOR MANY YEARS.

I'D SAY THAT SCARED LITTLE BOY IS NOW A MONSTER THAT YOU HAVE GENIUSLY TAMED FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN YOU EXPLODE OR GET ANGRY AT THE WRONG PEOPLE FOR NO GOOD REASON.

DO YOU KNOW THE REAL ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM?

IT’S THE SEXUAL ABUSE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU DURING YOUR YEARS AS A CHILD BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 -14 YEARS OLD.

THE ANGER AND THE ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR THAT YOU PROJECT TO OTHERS, IT’S DUE TO THAT SEXUAL ABUSE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU YEARS AGO.

NOT BECAUSE YOU WERE EXPOSED TO ABUSE BY YOUR PARENTS.  THAT IS PARTIALLY THE ISSUE BUT NOT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

ALL YOU'VE DONE WAS ADD OTHER LAYERS OR FORMS OF EXCUSES OR ABUSIVE FACTORS TO CAMOUFLAGE THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE WHICH IS THE SEXUAL ABUSE.

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU COULD BE DONE FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT, MR SMARTY PANTS?

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED NEAR CHILDREN UNTIL YOU RID YOURSELF OF THAT SEXUAL ABUSE?

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED NEAR SCHOOLS OR PUBLIC FACILITIES WHERE YOU ARE LIKELY TO HARM SOMEONE, ESPECIALLY YOUNG CHILDREN, GIRLS, WOMEN AND LITTLE BOYS?

ARE YOU AWARE THAT THERE MAY BE ALREADY PEOPLE IN YOUR COMMUNITY WHERE YOU LIVE THAT CAN NARROW YOUR IDENTITY DUE TO YOUR MESSAGE BOARD?

COME TO THINK OF IT NOW, I WONDER WHETHER YOUR AGE IS 32 YEARS OLD.

I DIDN'T THINK SO EITHER.

INDEED, EVERYONE HAS HAD SOME FORM OF COUNSELLING OR NONE AT ALL.  THIS IS WHY WE CAN UNDERSTAND THE DEGREE OF HARM OF YOUR ACTIONS THAT YOU SEEM TO BE BLIND TO.

STOP LOOKING TO YOUR WIFE AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOUR.  SHE IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE TO ELICIT HER SIDE OF THE STORY TO EVENTS THAT YOU HAVE DISCLOSED TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB.

EVERYTIME YOU CHOOSE TO DISCLOSE SUCH MESSAGES, YOU BECOME PUBLIC SCRUTINY AND IS ANSWERABLE TO THE PUBLIC OR OTHERS ON THE MESSAGE BOARD.

WHETHER YOU LIKE OR NOT IS YOUR CHOICE.

BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO STOP PEOPLE FROM PROJECTING VERY DISTRESSING AND AGGRAVATING REPLIES.

COME TO THINK OF IT NOW, I REALLY BELIEVE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN JAIL, BADLY.

A LITTLE PAIN WON'T TEACH YOU ENOUGH, 15 YEARS IN JAIL, JUST MIGHT BE THE BEST FORM OF REHABILITATION FOR YOU TO GIVE YOU PLENTY OF UNDISTURBED TIME TO DO SOME SERIOUS THINKING AND IT MIGHT GIVE YOU THE PEACE OF MIND THAT YOU ALWAYS WISHED.

YOU MAY EVEN COME OUT A COMPLETELY NEW PERSON WITH A BRAND NEW FABULOUS MIND TO SHOW THE WORLD INSTEAD OF YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT YOUR ABUSE AND SO FORTH.

YOUR COMMENT ABOUT HOPING TO GET OTHER RESPONSES OTHER THAN THE ABUSIVE ONES YOU’VE BELIEVED YOU HAVE RECEIVED SO FAR, IS ONLY A DREAM.

JUST IMAGINE, STANDING OUTSIDE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT NEAR THE STATUE OF LIBERTY WITH A HUGE BANNER OR MESSAGE BOARD, CLEARLY STATING EVERY WORD IN YOUR MESSAGE POSTED FOR EVERYONE TO READ.

WHAT KIND OF REACTION DO YOU EXPECT OR HOPE TO RECEIVE FROM BYSTANDERS OR PEOPLE GOING PAST?

BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE NEITHER GOING TO GET $1000.00 DOLLARS OR A DATE FROM THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN THE WORLD.

YOU’D BE LUCKY IF YOU DON’T GET SHOWERED WITH ROCKS INSTEAD OF CANDY.

YOU MIGHT GET UNDERGARMENTS THROWN AT YOU WITH BROKEN GLASSES.

YOU MAY EVEN GET SEXUALLY HARASSED OR ASSAULTED.

YOU’D BE LUCKY IF SOMEONE GAVE YOU A HUG RATHER THAN SOMETHING FALLING FROM ABOVE DIRECTLY ONTO YOU.

THE PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ISN’T GOING TO BOTHER INVITING YOU TO ONE OF HIS OR HER CONFERENCES.  HE OR SHE MAY WISH TO CALL POLICE TO HAVE YOU SENT TO SOME FORM OF PSYCHIATRIC REHABILITATION CENTRE WHERE YOU WILL NEITHER BE HAPPY NOR SAD, BECAUSE YOU WON’T EVEN KNOW WHETHER YOU’RE SAD OR NUMB.

I DON’T THINK SANTA CLAUS IS GOING TO BOTHER STOPPING BY JUST TO SAY MERRY XMAS TO YOU.  HE OR SHE MIGHT REWARD YOU BY GIVING YOU A RIDE STRAIGHT TO THE SHELTER TO HELP OTHERS WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED.

YOU’D BE LUCKY IF SOMEONE DURING A MOVIE SHOOT FAILS TO FIRE AN ARROW BY ACCIDENT AT YOU WHILST YOU COURAGEOUSLY DISPLAY YOUR MESSAGE BOARD.

YOU’D BE LUCKY AS WELL IF THE GHOSTS OF THE NEIGHBOURHOOD DOESN’T VISIT YOU TO DO THE SAME THINGS YOU DID TO OTHERS.

BELIEVE ME THERE ARE TERRIBLE SPIRITS OUT THERE WHO LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN SUCH ABUSES AS THE ONES YOU’VE DONE.

I HOPE YOU SLEEP WELL AS WELL AS NOT NEXT TO A MONSTER.

I AM GRATEFUL, I SLEEP NEXT TO A PRINCE WHO IS MY SHINING KNIGHT IN ARMOUR AND PROTECTOR, EVERY NIGHT, YEAR AFTER YEAR, WITHOUT ANY ABUSE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN A WHINGE.

I WISH YOU WELL AND ALL THE BEST, MR SMARTY PANTS.

I HOPE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I EVER HAVE TO REPLY TO YOUR SORRY ABUSE MESSAGE.

I HOPE THAT YOU WILL STILL BE SURFING THE DR PHIL MESSAGE BOARD BEFORE YOU ARE SENT TO JAIL BY SOME MIRACLE.

ALREADY READING YOUR MESSAGE, INDEED, THE LEGAL SYSTEM APPEARS TO BE BIAS TOWARDS MEN SUCH AS YOURSELF AND OTHER INDIVIDUALS IN SOCIETY.

YOUR FORMER WIFE’S SO-CALLED ADMISSION FOR PSYCHIATRIC COUNSELLING HAS MEANT THAT THE SYSTEM IS FAILING TO SEE THAT YOU ARE THE REAL TROUBLEMAKER OR PROBLEM.

THEY HAVE ONLY USED HER PSYCHIATRIC CONDITION AS AN EXCUSE TO ALLOW YOU TO GET AWAY BADLY WITH THE ABUSES OR INCRIMINATING BEHAVIOURS THAT YOU INFLICTED ON YOUR WIFE.

AS I SAID, YOU SHOULD THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS SO FAR.

ALL THE BEST MR SMARTY PANTS.

THIS WILL BE MY LAST REPLY TO YOU.

UNFORTUNATELY, YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEITHER LISTEN NOR LEARN ANYTHING UNTIL YOU ARE PLACED IN SOME FORM OF SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

I HOPE YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF IN TIME, IF YOU HURRY SOON, YOU MIGHT JUST MAKE TO THE SHIP.

THAT IS HOW SMART YOU ARE MR SMARTY PANTS.

PEACE OUT.

ET