Messages By: secretme02

At what point is it wrong?  If the wife feels betrayed by the behaviour?  Does he have to agree that it is betrayal?   

My feeling is that if she feels betrayed by it -- he needs to stop -- but how do we ask?  Should we? Do we have to change the way we feel, or do they need to change the way they behave??  

I sure would like to know. What would Dr Phil say?  

Thanks for sharing.  If you don't mind telling what happened did he understand and stop or just keep denying?  

We have tried with the inclusion, but the problem is that this woman is predatory, manipulative and a liar.  I have caught her in a lie (about me, to another person) and he still won't see her for her real self. She is nasty and has been nothing but rude and cruel toward me.  History suggests that she is happiest when she is the only one in her social circle that is "happily" married.  

I don't want to end the marriage -- but honestly -- I don't trust him anymore.  It would just be easier if he did have a physical affair -- then it would be cut and dry -- stop seeing her or you are out of here -- how do you do that when he denies the damage his friendship is doing to my trust in him??  

Is it my responsibility to be OK with this affair -- which BTW drains all emotional interaction away from our relationship -- or his to stop doing the thing that hurts me most?  

You know -- I know I need to look after ME -- but you hit it on the head -- it is a scary place to be.   

Because I made some bad choices and went into a spending spiral that put us into major debt -- my fault -- bad choices, but precipitated by the beginning of his friendship with her -- he took my name off of the joint account.  You know typing it out -- I do know what that means......... but I still am too paralysed to save myself.  How do I find the strength?  

Am I wasting my time by confronting him and asking for truth, trust and control?? I am so conflicted -- and I don't want to see a lawyer until I am prepared to follow through.............. 

I ask him to help me by trying to understand how I feel -- and he says he will try -- how many times do I let him try just long enough to placate me, and then stop?   

You know I used to wonder why abused women stayed -- and now I know some of the paralysis they must feel.  

I am in the same situation -- its been 5 years and he knows how unhappy I am about it.  His answer is now to lie about the time he spends with her.  

Did your husband stop interacting with her?  How did you get him to see how inappropriate it is?  

I don't want to divorce, but I am beginning to think it is the only option for me.  

Hello, I am an adult adoptee who has met her Birth Mother.   

I  have read a couple of very helpful books :   

Adoption Healing: A path to Recovery by Soll   

and the other I think was 12 things every adoptee needs to know -- and I can't remember the author's name -- I lent it out and don't have it back.   

I think it might be good to read things from an adoptee's perspective, but I do want to give you something to consider.  For every one adoptee, there is a feeling , an opinion about being adopted -- what I feel isn't what another will feel......... so try to keep that in mind. This is true for all members of the adoption triad.   

The other thing I would suggest is that you get some counselling or find someone to talk to about how you feel about his adoption.  Be prepared that emotions can, and probably will, come out of nowhere for both of you.    

One thing many adoptees feel is a sense of abandonment.  It really doesn't matter that you know you weren't really abandoned or that there was no other choice, or that the choice was made for the best of the child -- the feeling isn't always logical.  THere also may be trust issues too --again they can be there even if the adoptee knows that they were adopted / surrendered in love.........  

I would suggest that you try to go into reunion without any expectations.  You may end up close and loving, you may end up with a more distant relationship -- there is no way to know what will happen, and you have to be prepared for anything.   

Hope this helps some.   

This depends on how much information you have, but I found my birth mother through an online bulletin board.  

She actually doesn't even have internet, but someone who knew her did, and that is how we made contact.   

Do a google for some of the reunion sites -- I would try that for a bit first -- you may be lucky and not have to pay someone to look for you.  

Where were the children born? You were in BC, where was your girlfriend?  

Is your name on the Birth Certificate?   

I have some suggestions for you, I am not saying you shouldn't try to get them back, but I am saying you need to know exactly why and what you are doing and how it is REALLY going to be when you do.   

I would suggest you contact a legal aid office and see what your rights are.  But first you need to really think about this, and try to do it in a non-emotional way. It isn't going to be easy, but you owe it to yourself and your children to do so.  

What is the mother's desire in this? Are you together, and wanting them back? Or do you want them alone?  

Then you need to ask yourself some hard questions.   

Do you want the babies back because you think it will mend your relationship? It won't -- having children is difficult, and it won't make things easier.  

Are you finacially able to raise them?  Children are expensive, three infants will be a huge stress and expense.  

Are you emotionally able to raise them? Again, Children are expensive, raising them is not simple, it is tiring, and taxing and you need to be very emotionally ready to do it.  One is hard, three will be even more so.  

Do you have a stable home to raise them in? Same as above.  You need to be set and able to look after all of you. You need to not be worrying about where you are living.   

Make sure you have a real sense of what you want and why you are doing it before you carry on.  I am not only an adoptee, but I am also a mother (I was just a bit younger than you when I had my first) -- so I do have feelings about both issues.  Hope this helps.  

What province are you in? Some provinces (BC for one) have open records 

www.canadopt.com is a good canadian web site with board and info -- this would be a good place to start.  

let me know if you need more help -- I am a reunited adoptee 

Angie  

secretme0289@yahoo.com