Messages By: secretme02

Barbara Colorroso always said when picking your battles with what your kids want to do:  

Ask yourself these three questions?  

Is it illegal?  

Is it immoral?  

Is it dangerous (or lifethreatening)?  

If not -- why not?  

Besides, I would rather deal with a person who has the guts to wear their personality on the outside for all to see, than one that hides it.   

Careful -- we used to think that we would never allow women to wear pants in public, we used to say we would never accept a man with a pierced ear, or long hair, or a woman with short hair, or women in certain occupations (and men too -- like nursing and teaching) --- the list goes on.... 

Never is rarely accurate.  We change all the time -- and if you look back 100 years you would be amazed at how much we have changed in terms of what is "acceptable" in society and the workplace in terms of appearance.  

Tattoos and peircings are becoming more and more mainstream -- and will most likely be considered non-problimatic in business situations within the next decade.  

I agree -- besides -- consider the tattoo artist:  

I am awed by those who can draw well -- and then consider the fact that the tattoo artist does their work on a canvas that is less than flat, and moves and flinches and breathes.......... amazing!!  

We have a friend who is a tattoo artist -- and he has even manged to do a very well executed tat on his own leg.   

Funny how being judgemental is considered OK if the person you are judging scares you by being different or more assertive........  

We will get there -- when we can look inside instead of on the outside -- but it will be a battle...........but one with incredible pay off.  

Want to talk irony...........  did you see todays show??  About the evils of judging people by their looks..... funny how it should follow the show that started this whole discussion 

I agree that you shouldn't allow your feelings about being adopted -- and being disallowed access to your history -- to ruin or rule your life.  BUT, as one who has been there and found a link to the past, I would say to search for it if that is where your heart takes you.  Try all the online boards and groups you can that are related to adoption -- there might be one in your area.  CHeck the laws in your birthplace in regard to access to original birth certs and info etc -- you might be surprised by what you are allowed to know......... 

I met my birth mother -- and it was a good thing -- but there was, and is no, great and awesome bond or connection.  We have comfortable relationship -- like an odd maiden aunt (probably more to do with her age and personality -- she was 35 when I was born.......)  

BUT the day I met my half brother and looked into his eyes........... now that was surreal.  There was an instant bond and connection there.  It was like we had known each other forever.  That is a feeling that I missed my entire life.  And one I would not have missed for the world.......... 

So, follow your heart, but be prepared for whatever you find -- sometimes it is happy, sometimes it is not, but it can bring you a sense of closure and control, that you may have been missing.  

I am guessing by the smiley face that you understood that I wasn't judging........ I hope that is the case anyway.........  I try not to judge the inside by the outside -- had too many apples that looked shiny and nice on the outside, but turned out mushy,  rotten, and full of worms on the inside to do the same with people.  :-) 

I see identity as something we all wear or perform -- and tats, body modification, clothes, hair and the like are all aspects of that.  I trust a person who is open and honest and brave enough to show their inside on the outside -- you know they hide nothing that way.   

I have hope that we will see a day that appearances will be the last thing that matters when it comes to our interactions with other people.  

(having just taken my teenaged son to have his tat touched up -- sooner would be better than later.......) 

Better to be an old wrinkly lady with wrinkly tattoos and no regrets than one that said "oh I wish I had" :-)    

My DH's grandfather is 94 -- and he is finally able to do what he always wanted to do -- but was never "allowed" to.  He came to Disney with us and rode every scary ride there -- he just got back from Hawaii and he went hang gliding while there.  He is one of the lucky ones, he has lived a long life and still has a chance to follow his dreams.  Most of us won't get to live that long -- so we should do the things that make us happy (and harm no one else) while we can.    

There is a sort of jealousy in some of us who allow ourselves to hold off doing daring or different things -- we wish we were that brave, and instead of aknowleging that we look outwards to lay blame or judgement.  I sure wish I had some of that self assurance that those who dare to be different have.   

I am at my wits end.  My husband is a workaholic -- the socially acceptable addiction, but it is tearing me apart.  

He immerses himself so fully in other projects (he works full time and then takes on odd jobs on the side) that he is never here.  Now in the past the excuse has always been that it is done to make money to help us out -- to renovate or get things paid off -- and it still does, but the cost it too high for me.  When he is here, he works on the house or woodwork projects well into the night.  Occaisionally, he will realize what he is doing and try to come in, but it lasts less than a week and he is back to old habits.  He used to rely on me to tell him when he was doing it too much, but I won't do that anymore because I end up being resented for it.  

He even gets so wrapped up in the things he does that he doesn't stop to eat, and if left to look after our kids forgets to make sure they have eaten, or even pays attention to where they are.  They are all teens now, and look after themselves rather than rely on their Dad.  The 13 year old ends up cooking for them all, because their Dad can't be bothered to think about them or anything but what he is doing.  

When his family (not to mention mine) comes to visit -- they live a day's drive away -- he ignores them too -- they will come and ask him to spend time with them, and he will tell them "in a minute" until they can't wait any more and go to bed.  They don't visit much, and I don't blame them.  

I got us into financial trouble a few years ago -- and I did some counselling and realized that I spent money as a way to fill the void -- basically, I justified it by thinking that if he was always going to be gone making this money, then I might as well spend it and have something for it.  It didn't work -- I am still lonely.  I don't spend anymore -- I know it doesn't fix things.  But then I get to hear how it is my fault he has to work so much to pay it off -- convenient and true for now -- but not the reason -- he was gone before I spent it -- he would have been gone if I hadn't ....he will be gone long after the debt is repaid. 

What I need now is some advice.  I have asked him time and again to get some help to find out why he hides from things in his busy - ness.  He knows it is a problem, but won't face it.  

That said -- he can always find time for the things he likes to do for fun, and his friends (especially a woman friend, who I feel is toxic and involved in an emotional affair with him)...... another long story......... 

So, what do I do?  Do I make an ultimatum?  I so hate them, but is it my only choice?  I have told him how I feel, I have asked him to get the help, and told him I would support any work he needed to do -- I have been to counselling -- I know it is hard work and a frightening thing to start.......  

but -- how long do I wait?  We have been going around and around with this for more than 5 years.  

I am exhausted and lonely -- I know I deserve to come first in someone's eyes -- am I asking too much, or do I have the right to tell him to get started on the road to discovery and recovery or I am gone??  Rather, I want him to leave -- the kids and I deserve a happy and stable home.   

He acts as if he is single and can do with his time what he wishes -- how do I get him to either learn to live as part of a family or do I tell him that if he wants to live as if he was alone and single to do it -- away from me?   

I really don't want a divorce -- but I can't live like this any more.  People so often tell me I am so lucky to have a husband who can do so much -- except more often than not it is at someone else's house that the things get done or built -- and that I am lucky he is renovating for me -- but the reality is that I hate this house -- I hate ever inch of it because all it is is a bunch of time and energy and money spent hiding and doing everything but making it a home.  I would rather live in a tent with a man who is my friend and shows me he loves me by wanting to spend time with me than the most beautiful house and pay for it by being alone and lonely.   

Does anyone have any suggestions -- or has anyone dealt with this in the past??  I really want to be married to him and have him well balanced and able to work and do things on the side while at the same time being part of our family.  Am I asking for something that is impossible?  Or do I just end it and protect myself first?  

I don't know your whole situation, or your wife's but here is something to think about.

How do you treat your wife?  Are you emotionally absent? Physically absent a lot?  Do you invest more time on hobbies, work and / or friends than you do her?

If she is already mistrustful (and there are many. many reasons people are that way, that have deep roots) and you are retreating from that, it can and probably will give her all the reason she needs to assume you are cheating.

This doesn't mean it is your fault that she feels this way, but that between the two of you, issues and behaviour may make things feel or seem to be what they are not. 

Why do I say this?  I am the wife who has trust issues -- deep rooted and something I have to work on and deal with on a daily basis -- some days are good, some are not. They have nothing specifically to do with my husband, but they colour my perceptions and ability to trust him too.

I have a husband who is emotionally absent and physically absent much of the time (partly because of his personality, and partly as a reaction to my issues -- which just make things worse) and he is involved with a woman at his workplace, who I think is dangerous and in an emotional affair with him.

So, I have / had an issue with trust, he responded by retreating and finding companionship with another woman, and it made my trust issues that much worse. It is a vicious cycle, we each make the other feel worse and worse.

Is he cheating?  I don't know.  The man I know him to be wouldn't cheat, but the way he acts and treats me some days I can't help but think he is.  Some days I think he is, some days I know he wouldn't. 

Ultimately, it is both our fault -- and both our responsibility to make it right.

Just a thought for you.