Messages By: lollipop10

Quote From: jill564

     My 23 year old daughter is in a similar situation.  Not quite to the extent of this guy...not many are to this extent.  Nonetheless, her boyfriend is very controlling.  He has moved her out to his community, away from her hometown and everything and everyone she's known all of her life.  He won't let her have friends....only his friends can be her friends.  They live so far back in the woods...there are no neighbors who she could have as friends.  He has set a limit as to how much she can see her family (once a week).  She had a car, but it broke down, and he won't get it repaired for her.  She doesn't have a job right now and stays home and cares for their 2 year old son.  She has worked in the past, but he much prefers her to stay at home.  He controls the money.  She is not allowed to even have input on the budget at all...so, in turn, the bills are constantly paid late (with services cut off frequently).  He accuses her all the time of seeing other men...how could she???

    My husband and I have begged her to come back home and bring her son with her too.  We're so afraid that this controlling nature and emotional abuse of his is going to escalate into physical abuse.  She will not leave him.  Says he is such a good father to their son...although he fights with her and calls her names in front of the child.  How on earth do we convince her to get away from him before it's too late.  We urged her to leave him before there was even a child involved in it....and she wouldn't leave him.  Said she didn't want to hurt his feelings.  Said he was like this because his own father abused his mother and she felt sorry for him.  What do we do?  Any suggestions from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Quote From: sheriearl

I'm sure somebody is going to jump on the band wagon to say she is now provoking or causing his behavior.  People have to put themselves in her shoes to imagine what she must be feeling.  She has been isolated, humiliated, blamed, trapped (literally), criticized, etc...This I'm sure was a gradual process throughout their years together, and he has denied and made her question her own "gut" feelings for years.  So then you have a woman who has no self-esteem, questions if she is provoking him because after years of being told, part of you believes this, and lonely and unloved.  Does that sound like a person powerful enough to pick up and leave?  This man wants so badly for his wife to love him, and yet he won't do the one thing that could make that happen...STOP ABUSING HER!  Stop criticizing, questioning, name-calling...  Has he ever tried this obvious solution.  He needs to look at himself in the mirror and look where his finger is pointing.  I can only imagine the reasons why she is still there.  However, she needs help and support to get out of there.  Even if he were to get help and change his behavior, would she be able to forgive and forget?