Messages By: dchandler

Quote From: ken_amber

Confront him. If you haven't already, he needs to know and comprehend the toll his actions and words are taking on you. Approach him at a calm moment. Maybe while watching tv together or something. Don't try to bring it up in mid- arguement. You probably won't be able to get to him as well in a heated arguement. When you do bring it up, try and be as sincere as possible, but also firm. Not threatening. Tell him he needs to recognize how he treats you is not acceptable, and it can't continue to occour, otherwise you will have to remove yourself from the situation. If you don't get a handle on it NOW, it WILL get worse. There is always some history behind a person who can be abusive in any way. Nip it in the bud now before he turns violent as well. Give him an opportunity to seek help for it, and if he doesn't comply, or at least agree to try, you may have to end up leaving him. I was lucky. I know Ken loves me a great deal and I knew HE knew he had a serious problem. And he was very willing to get help while we are both still so young because he recognizes just how it is preventing him from leading the type of lifestyle he would like to live. I wish you and your husband all the best.

Quote From: debellyn

Again, and still, I don't know what to do or even how to go about making a decision on this. I feel so incredibly alone with these parenting decisions, and each decision seems so critically important.  My 16 year old daughter is oppositional, rejects all authority (especially mine), has no father or father figure in her life (her dad was bipolar and committed suicide in '01), she may also be bipolar, has learning disabilities, is lacking in some basic life skills (i.e., problem solving), is unmotivated, is connecting with the wrong peer group, is angry and mean, swears profusely, and is clinically depressed.   

   

I spoke to an educational consulting firm (hugely expensive) and they're suggesting that eventually (if not immediately) she'll need to be entered into some kind of residential school/program. Wow, scary. Sure, I'm scared that she'll feel like she's being kidnapped and that I've abandoned her. And, I honestly don't know if it's the right thing to do. How does one know? How does one know where to send your child? Do they work? Her hatred for me will certainly increase...is it possible for such a troubled teen, possibly bipolar, with such a negative view of the world, to eventually see and find some happiness?  

   

Any thoughts? Any really great residential programs? Any success stories? What should I be wary of? And how do I ultimately make these decisions??  

   

Thank you.  

deb  

Quote From: bampa22

Oh boy do I need advice and help.  I have a 16yo adopted son who we adopted at age 6.  He was a cocaine and alcohol exposed child.  He entered the foster care system at the age of 11months after months of neglect.  He went through many foster homes, 2 pre adopt homes who all turned him back over to our state b/c of his behaviors. 

  

Over the years we got used to "M's" rages he was small enough we could basket holdhim until he called down.  Well now he is 16 weighs nearly as much as much as my parnter and I and is taller than both of us.  To make matters worse = I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 7 years ago. 

  

Two weeks ago, I reached the end of my safety rope.  M began to rage when he became grounded from his gameboy as I left his room - he ran after me and punched me 2 times with a closed fist in the head.. I fell forward and hit the door jam.  This terrified our other adopted children.  M then began running through the house turning over furniture and scream.  I got the other 3 children safe in their rooms while my partner attempted to get M on the floor on his stomach and sit on his bottom until his rage ended.  He usually - believe it or not - allows her to do this.  But I was in so much pain from being hit I said I had enough and said I was calling 911 over the objection of my partner.  While on the phone w/ the dispatcher he came and cornered me while onthe phone and began kicking me.  ... he then ran up the stairs put his foot through 2 walls, a door and slammed his bedroom door so hard he ripped part of the door jam off and put a hole in the wall where the door knob would touch the wall. 

  

So when police arrived, about 4 minutes later, it took 4 large officers to handcuff my son.  We immediately gave him his night time medication = zyprexa.  he continued to kick and scream.. then he began to calm down.  As we explained that he has been charged before but found not culpable b/c of his mental age (IQ is about 60-68).  The police decided that detention would not accept him b/c of his mental retardation so the only option was to the ER for a psych eval.   

  

So I followed them to the ER.. by the time he was seen 4 hours later, my son was sound asleep - it was 1am his zyprexa was in full effect and couldn't be arroused enough to answer question.  I thought best at that point since the CDMHP wouldn't find him a harm to himself or others since he was docile and asleep.  We left and agreed to see his psych the next day which took 2 days thanks to my HMO. 

  

So my questions.. anyone in the same boat.  I am even thinking of sending my son to facility that can appropriately handle his mental retardation, mental illness and obvious brain disfunction.  If you know of any facilities that take teen boys with low iq.. please let me know.   

  

I am now terrified of my son and everyday I walk on egg shells hoping to not set him off for fear he will attack me worse next time. 

j 

Quote From: mishl0422

My mom was always the life of the party with her friends but didnt give a crap about me and my sister.  She is still like that to this DAY.  I am 38 yrs old.  I think the twist that occurs you are talking about my mom used to say "you always hurt the ones you love..."  because she knew we had unconditional love for her and her friends didnt!!!  So she never tried to impress us.  I am still angry with her and argue with her sometimes, but she ALWAYS  wins.  We went through strange men too, and always were her second priortiy.  She is on her 4th marriage, and all her energy goes into him and her dogs.  She never visits her grandkids, my oldest is 17 and she has never taken my kids anywhere just for fun.  She wont even babysit for me or my sister.  She says she did her "time" but to us she never did.  Everyone else we know their parents beg them to babysit!!!  I have a question for you if you even read this, my mom always says if I argue with her I will regret it when she dies.  I say I won't.  Because our strained relationship is HER fault.  She is SUPPOSED  to be the mother in my opinion.  Do you think i will???

Quote From: thumpalina

I had this wonderful chance to be on the Dr Phil Show when they were trying to find the guests to be on the show but I just so happend not to check my email on the sunday that they sent it to me so I missed my chance how ever I would still like to share my story with you. I am now 21 years old and I have a mother that I no longer talk to at this point for my self and the protection of my child and the children that I will have in the future. My mother has never really cared what has been going on with my life and it has been almost three and a half years since I stopped talking to her. she is a drug addict and an alcoholic and she will not take responsibility for her actions. she is now 41 years old and since I was little all I can remember is her being with alot of men. and her doing drugs in front of me I know that she needs help but I thing that she is beyond help at this piont I have been trying to get her to realize that I have her only grandchild and she may never get to see him unless she shaps up. however she tells me that it is way to hard. and she blames every thing on my Dad. Non of this is my falt or his but she doesnt seem to think so. some days I wish that I could have the relationship I used to have with her but when I look at reality I know it will never happen. she alowed me at the age of 10 to drink alcohol and even after I joined my church and she new it was not permitted to drink she would still offer me some. I told her no after I got baptised but I know that she was dispionted in me. Some time I think if she could only see me now and how happy I am with my husband that she may change but that is why I stay a way from her because I know that my feelings are the ones that are going to get her in return because she can only change if she wants to. and at the moment I thing that it will take her getting lung cancer for her to realise what she has missed out on all these years. for all of you that have gone through the similar experiences. keep your head up. and dont look into the past for answers look to the future and what you stand for it is the only way that you will get throught the hurt that you are feelling at this moment in time. I can say that I do forgivemy mother for the things that she has done. but I will not let me or my children suffer for her sake. My God bless you all. 

  

Thumaplina