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Messages By: darcylove

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July 22, 2005, 5:40 pm CDT

hey it's back

don't know what i think of this so far....but we will see!
 
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July 23, 2005, 12:36 pm CDT

I guess it will talk awhile

I guess it will take awhile for everyone to find there way back here. So far I am not a fan of this new style. I hate change sometimes! LOL

Things here have been good. Husband and I are seriously looking into the possibility of building a home in the next year. We have been watching the market for something to buy but haven't seem to find anything we like as of yet that we want to buy. We went through a house the other day but it didn't have a basement.....I really liked the house otherwise. The realitor called today and said the home owners lowered their price again. I guess they are anxious to sell.  We have so much to get done to ours before we sell. Really don't want to put it up for sale until late winter , early spring.  We are in the process currently of paneling the laundry room. From there some fresh coats of paint......and redoing the kitchen counter tops.  We also plan to put in a new furnace with central air sometime in the next few months. And a little landscaping. See....just need time yet.  I am getting anxious about the whole thing. I really like the house we are in.....but with changing schools and with this stinking community we live in.....I am willing to give up our cape cod home. :( Well hope people find us back here soon. 

I guess some discussion about porn in a relationship needs to happen sooner or later here. Was talking to some people from here online in the last couple weeks. The over all message I keep hearing....is how hard it is to move past it all ....even after the porn is gone. I guess it changes so much in a relationship....it is hard to find our way back. I get stuck with it at times.....most of the time however I seem to be so much stronger than I once was.  lately I have more upset with his mood.. ....he has been a real grouch in the last few days.....I guess we all get like that. I think he is getting worried about selling the house and buying a new one. Who can blame him? 

 
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July 23, 2005, 3:21 pm CDT

hey

wow this is strange. wonder how it will all work out....Darcy I couldn't remember my password but I got an e-mail from the Dr. P site that let me reset my password.Just thought I would check out the new format you were telling me about and say hi to anyone who remembers me:) Life is going really well. Hubby and I are as close as ever....it amazes me the changes we have gone through since I found that crap on the computer. Things are so much better between us now, we are so much closer and he is so much more present!! He still drives me crazy sometimes.....as I am sure I drive him a little bonkers too. Hey Darcy....I found some house plans perfect for me.....has everything I want and isn't the size of a small castle either....if I see you on MSN I'll send them to you. I love this house, maybe we'll be building at the same time:)

wow now I get to try out the reply part of this whole thing. I can't wait to see the house plans you found. I have looked at so many at this point and time i am getting sick of them! LOL  hubby and I are going out tonight so i don't know how much i will be online until later. I don't think we are staying out to late. We are going to a rib fest! Yummy! Also got to get a couple things to fix the water line to the washing maching. some hose and clamp or something.....i don't know

 

glad to hear you and hubby are doing well. Isn't life good when porn isn't distracting from the marriage?  have a good evening!

 
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July 24, 2005, 7:28 am CDT

how were the movies?

I won't be on tonight either...my best friend is coming over for scary movies....we're watching "Boogyman" "Hide and Seek" and "The Grudge" don't know if any of them will be any good or even scary for that matter but we're hoping:)

Yep life is much better without porn....just wish we could do something about how graphic commercials and tv are getting....it is everywhere really!!

Hey how were the movies? As scary as you hoped?  The ribs were good. Very hot today and a good chance of storm.  We are working on the utility room still today but I may have to find something cooler to do.

 

Talk at you later!

 
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July 24, 2005, 7:38 am CDT

how were the movies?

I won't be on tonight either...my best friend is coming over for scary movies....we're watching "Boogyman" "Hide and Seek" and "The Grudge" don't know if any of them will be any good or even scary for that matter but we're hoping:)

Yep life is much better without porn....just wish we could do something about how graphic commercials and tv are getting....it is everywhere really!!

Hey how were the movies? As scary as you hoped?  The ribs were good. Very hot today and a good chance of storm.  We are working on the utility room still today but I may have to find something cooler to do.

 

Talk at you later!

 
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July 24, 2005, 10:53 am CDT

i hate scary movies

we only rented the Grudge and boogyman, hide and seek were all rented and sice we weren't going to be able to start watching the movies until after 9 we thought two would be enough anyways:) The Grudge was pretty good....i thought the ending stunk but it actually had some creepy parts. Boogyman was even better I think. I like getting creeped out, but honestly it is the pshycological thrillers that seem to scare me more....or more realistic supernatural movies. Between the movies and chatting it was 3:30 by the time my friend left and the kids got up at 6:15 today. i'm tired!!

I freak out way to easy! I have never been one for a thriller and can honestly say I have not watched one since I was in my early teen years. I much more prefer a good comedy or a romantic movie. Maybe a high action movie from time to time. Are you a Harry Potter fan?  My daughter is the biggest fan. Just got her the new book. She had it all read in a day and is now reading it a second time (well she may be done with the second time through too). 

 

The day here is pretty boring. NOt much going on. The girls just went to do some shopping and the hubby and son are working in the utility room. I go in to help but I feel like I am getting in the way. The room isn't that big for 3 of us, all the tools and the paneling.  So....I am trying to find things to do to keep myself busy. Too hot to do too much cleaning today. I think the week is suppose to cool down about mid week. I have to work a few hours tomorrow. I am really considering puting my name in at a local factory to work for a few months because we are trying to save up a few $ for this whole house thing. I told my husband that I was going to do it.....he kind a laughed because he knows how I feel about factory work!!!  But it seems to be the only job in the area that pays anything and that is hiring. So.....I guess if I look at it as a short term thing....I can handle it.  Maybe just work through Christmas or maybe spring if I was really serious....and then get busy with building the house.

 
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July 25, 2005, 8:26 am CDT

what do I think

Hi! I hope everyone is doing good. Me, well, my husband stopped doing himself infront of the computer after I tried to talk to him. (im sorry if im using inappropriate words, i don't mean to offend anyone) And now he seem to be back in the habit. And, he's about to be on duty at a whole other country for a year!(my husband is in the military)and he can only visit once after six months; and he seem to be excited that he can keep doing it there and I wouldn't be there with him to say anything. what do u guys think?

I think he has come up with a way to justify this behavior. It is like...."feel sorry for me....I have been serving in the military so can't you just grant me this one thing?"  It is great what he is doing for his country. But it is not an excuse to use porn in a marriage. I don't care if he is in Michigan, Texas, Canada, Japan, or Iraq.....he is still a married man and he needs to honor his marriage.

 

I saw that Dr Phil's show tomorrow is suppose to talk to a man who uses porn. I think the man in this episode is addicted to it. I think it would be good to watch it. Maybe tape it and share it with your husband. Maybe he needs to hear the message from someone else. Good luck and I wish you the best.

 
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July 25, 2005, 3:24 pm CDT

welcome

Quote From: gagardener

I will try to make this brief, this seemed a safe place to post - I love Dr. Phil's show and I mostly just want a sounding board to see if I am over-reacting, which is what my spouse usually thinks I'm doing. I am in my mid-forties, two teenage children, a boy and a girl, and have just married a man I dated for three years, after being divorced for four years. I knew he looked at porn but not to the extent he has since we've been married. I guess you truly never know someone until you live with them. I am a very liberal person and have nothing against sexual "enhancements" but I believe it's something that should be explored as a couple, together, and not like most men do it. We have already had discussions about it. But here's my new dilemma: the other night he was on the internet andhe asked for my help with something -and accidentally clicked on the websites he's visited. One of them was a "teen" porn one. I didn't blow up about it, just quietly asked him was he really looking at that. He tried to explain it away by saying he didn't really go on it, he was "re-directed". But he's made joking comments in the past about teenagers in school uniforms, etc., and also he seems unusually pre-occupied recently with child abductions, sexual assaults and murders on the news. Not that I don't think they aren't tragic, because they are, it's a horrible thing, but I don't bring it up while we're out to dinner somewhere, or driving down the road. He'll all of a sudden change the subject from whatever we're talking about and mention a case on the news, and say maybe "I wonder what all that guy did to that little girl", etc. - making it sound like he's disgusted but showing a morbid fascination with it, at the same time.It doesn't give me a good feeling and I know it's not part ofmost "normal" conversation discussing the news. I'm sorry this is so long for a post, I'm just wondering if I'm paranoid or if I have a legitimate concern,maybe should try going to counseling with him?? Please, any comments and input will be appreciated.

First welcome to the board. Usually this place is a lot busier than it is now but they just started this new style of message board (the board was gone for 3 weeks or so) so I don't think many have found their way back. But anyways...welcome!

 

I would be very concerned. First....if the teens he is looking at are minors....it is child porn which is illegal to make and to view. I would be paranoid too. I am not so liberal in my thinking and find that it doesn't matter if a person is liberal or more conservative......they still want some of the same things. They want security. They want to know they can trust the other person and they want to know they are loved. If my spouse was looking at teen porn.....I would definitely be angry. If he seemed to have a fasination with children being abducted and saying things like "I wonder what all that guy did to that little girl" ....I would wonder why the fascination with it.  I find that all pretty scary....pretty creepy. I am not sure what I would do....other than maybe really look into it much further. I would find out what kind of porn is being viewed. I don't like porn in a marriage at all....but to each his own. But if child porn is being viewed....I would definitely be very caution with this man....husband or not. Counseling is a good thing for many things. And I believe if you truely think the problem is as large as it sounds....I wouldn't wait.

 

Good luck and hope you find the answers.

 
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July 25, 2005, 5:07 pm CDT

welcome

Quote From: kellyp

Hi everyone, I am new to the board and I just wanted to vent a little to someone who would understand, and this looks like the best place. Glad to have found it. I have been married to my husband for over ten years, and we have been "together" for over 12. We are in our mid thirties, and I have known him my whole life, actually, but like someone said earlier, you never really know a person until you live with them. I think what is really bothering me the most is the deception. He never actually lied to me about looking at porn, but then again I never had any reason to be suspicious of that. Like I said, I knew him my whole life - at least I thought I knew him.I found it on the computerover a year ago - there were these weird pop-ups that were adult content, and I wasn't really sure where they came from. I asked him, and he said that they could have come from anywhere orfrom someone else sending him an email and thatcame with it unintentionally. I believedhim too. Once I figured out how to look around on the computer I found all kinds of stuffin the history and temporary files. I was sick - I felt betrayed. The idea that he was willfully looking at sexual images of other women to pleasure himself crushed me. I looked at the dates of the temporary internet files and when I checked my calendar I saw that he was doing it whenever I left town on business. I was away working and he, in my opinion, was cheating in his mind with other women. I felt so stupid, inadequate, and unattractive - andI was 6 months pregnant with our secondchild at the time, andI felt like a "house" anyway. I had wondered all along why he had decided tohave a password on our home computer for his profile, but never set one up for me. When I confronted him,he said "it's not abnormal", and "everyone does it" -I knowthose arecommon excuses. Iasked himif I had never found it would he still be looking at it - he said he couldn't say that he wouldn't. I asked him if it was "what Kelly doesn't know won't hurt her?" and he said "yes" - but then he added that "it doesn't change the way I feel about you honey". I think it haschanged the way I feel about him - I haven't had the courage to tell him that. It's been a year - but I'm still suspicious. I still check our home computer - there is no evidence and he has not been deleting the history to cover-up. Every time I'm away overnight anywhere I am suspicious of him on the internet looking at porn. I desperately want to believe that he has stopped. I do know that he goes to the Howard Stern website and has followed links to the homepages (nothing further) of some of the guests from the show - strippers and porn stars. He says when he gets to the homepage he doesn't go any further, and that he just wants to see what they look like since Howard says that they're "hot". I asked him how long he's been looking at porn on the internet.He didn't answer, so I asked"since we gotthe internet?"(1997) and his reply was "yeah, probably." I just feel so conned - or tricked -or like he thinks he's pulled oneover on me. It's that part that hurts the most. Omission of the truth, for me, is the same as lying to my face - because I had a false belief about the way my marriage was and about my husband. He has friends who I know talk to him about websites they view and that these same friends have invited him on more than one occasion to go to strip clubs while they are visiting us in our hometown. I know he didn't go - opted for Hooters instead. (I was in constant contact via cell phone and I saw the receipt). How can I move past this and get over my suspicion?? I think about thisevery day. I am paranoid and I wonder that if he hasn't been forthcoming on this, what else has he failed to tell me so as not to hurt me? The deception hurts the most. (sorry so long!!)

Your story is like so many. And my story started out not so different than yours...but I will have to say...that when we sought help as a couple....things improved greatly. We are now doing very well. It took time and hard work for the both of us. My husband is a porn addict. He no longer makes the excuses like he once did like "everyone does it" and so on.. He doesn't use the excuse "I can't help myself...I am an addict."  He just accepts this is what he is and that he has to stay away from the porn. In our past there was much hurt, there were lies and there was deception. I also didn't feel I could leave the house because I never knew what would happen if I did. But I don't look over my shoulder any more (or for the most part I don't...it is hard to let go).  There is help out there and if you both want it....I think anyone can over come porn in a marriage. Good luck and stick around.
 
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July 25, 2005, 7:43 pm CDT

a place for friends

Quote From: shmaybo

It's not just on the internet. It is the waitress with the short skirt, the nurse at the hospital, the therapist herself, the massage parlors who do more than massage the back, it's the commercials on television, the music videos, etc. I don't get it. Porn has affected my relationship but it's everywhere, so it's not like you can get away from it. If I had a choice between having him look at porn every once in awhile and cheating on me, I would pick to look at porn because I don't think it is the same thing. It is a visual and there is nothing wrong with looking. It is the acting out part that bothers me.

I am bored and these message boards don't talk about the issue at hand. It's more like a chat room in here. Hasn't anyone heard of Yahoo Messenger? Or maybe....oh, I don't know, a phone?

many of us have been here a long time. this board usually is very lively with the talk about porn in the relationship but it was down for  about 3 weeks getting all updated so when it came back.....the conversation started slow. Sometimes we talk about the issue and sometimes we just need a break from it all (it gets stressful) and we just talk. It is a way of allowing ourselves to be okay for awhile. Many of us have found great friendship on this board.....although we have never met. And so....there are days we just ask..."hey how are you doing? What's new with you?" and then there are days in which we talk, discuss, argue, and cry together. It is like home to many of us. If you stick around....you will find this place comes full circle....and you too will beome a friend of many of us....many of us have come here with the same pains....the same stuggles and we stay for the friendship and for the bond we have formed. I wish you well and hope our talking about so many things has not turned you away.
 

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