Growing up is a painful experience for many. And I am not going to tell you that my experiences were any more difficult than the next. At 17 I was on my own and I quickly learned how hard life was, if I didn’t know before. I jumped into the world of porn very quickly. Hey, it’s a hard knock life out there and you got to make a buck, right? And I knew as a child that using my body got things for me. If I wanted to make it on my own, it was what I had to do. But I had standards and rules just like any one else. There were somethings I just wasn’t willing to do. I had heard the stories about sex in numbers and about other weird things that was produced. That wasn’t me.
My first experience showed many similarities that others had experienced. I showed up for the job and some really cool people took care of things for me. They asked me about the place I was staying and if I was comfortable. They supplied a pretty good spread. And that was about it. Told me we would do more work tomorrow. Told me to call them if there was anything they could do for me. There was only one real complaint I had. The dog in the alley kept me up at night barking so darn much. That night I slept pretty good.
The next day I came back to the job and I was thrown into the industry pretty darn fast. I remember showing up and being told the location in which I was to report to. So off I went in my little baby tee and cut offs to the location. This place wasn’t as nice. Pretty scary place really. I was greeted by a large guy who seemed a little ticked that it was my first day on the job. But I didn’t let him get to me or the smell of the place. I was directed to a bed and there I met my first partner Steve. He was a lot older than I had hoped for. And had pretty nasty breath and he was not so friendly or good in bed from what I remember. The whole experience was pretty much a blur to me because I was given some weed to smoke to loosen up with and I think there was some pretty nasty stuff in that weed. I got paid on the spot and after I sobered up a bit and took a shower (even after all these years, sex had a way of making me feel pretty dirty afterwards), I went out and bought myself a bunch of food. To me it was worth the crap I had to do, if I got to eat well and sleep in peace each night.
Now that was years ago. I don’t do porn any longer! Wish I never had, because it changed everything for me. But in the time that I did it, I learned a few things about this so called great world of porn. I met many young girls in the time I was there. Most were like me. Most were 18 or younger when they started. The youngest I came across was 13 but you wouldn’t know by looking at her that she was 13 years old. Sex has a way of aging people. Most don’t make it past that first experience. I guess those girls are wiser than me. Only around 20% come back for a second or third round. And of those girls, only a handful make it past that. Many were conned into that first time. Thought they were going to produce a movie or there to do a modeling job. Naïve but that’s what you get when your 16 and out on your own for the first time. I stuck around because of many reasons. For one I had to eat and I wasn’t going to go back home. No matter how bad it was here, at least I felt I was calling the shots. Secondly, I knew at a very young age that my body got things for me. I hadn’t been raised to know anything differently. I still wanted some of the same things other girls wanted. I wanted someone to love me and I wanted a family. I wanted nice things and I didn’t want someone yelling at me every day and hitting me. But what I found wasn’t much different than home. I wish I knew to walk away like those other girls. I did walk away sometimes but hunger and wanting a place to sleep at night had a way of making a person do things.
I have many regrets about it all but I hope that some good comes out of my experience. Maybe this is it. I know things about porn that most people don’t want to know. People fool themselves into believing it is okay. They don’t know what I have seen. They haven’t seen the drugs, the beatings, the STD’s. They haven’t seen the lies and deception. The rats and the very ugly horrible men that do things to you and know they can because you want so badly to eat tonight. They don’t know that I will never have children because of the STDs I caught. I was lucky because many of them catch their STDs in the first times they are screwed. I went a good six weeks before I caught my first case. Having my own family is not in the picture any longer. That is just one thing the porn took from me. I also wonder if I will ever feel okay with myself again. I doubt if I will.
I did the porn for a handful of years and then came the night that things got out of hand. That night I nearly lost my life. I was drugged with something to do this day I have no idea what it was laced with. I ended up in the street where someone found me and took me to a hospital, or so I have been told. I was black and blue and I to this day I don’t know exactly what happened to me. At the hospital one of the aides that helped me told me what she had been through and told me there was a way out. I didn’t believe her at first. I wanted to but heck no one had ever told me that I could do something different with my life. We stayed in touch for a long time and I went to a shelter which helped me get my GED and a job. I now have dreams of going back to school again. Maybe be like the next Dr Phil.
That is my story. My story is just one of many. I would like to tell you that the girls I met in those years have a different story than mine. Most don’t except for those that were smart enough to leave after the first time. I guess they had more respect for themselves than I did.
