Michael,
I do know how you feel. I felt your pain as you told your story because this happened to me. I too, would never tell people about this growing up because I hated it when people looked at me with pity. I never wanted people to feel sorry for me because I was ashamed of it. My brother and I were also abandoned by my mother when I was 8 and he was 7. She left us at home. There was no food in the house. I remember not eating all day and being extremely hungry that night and all the next day. I layed in her bed and tried to sleep, waiting and waiting and waiting for her to come back . . .It was the next day when my older sister came by and found out my mother wasn't there. She didn't return for 2 more days. She didn't call around for me for 3 days, altogether. I would have been there for 3 days left to starve. God must have sent help. Another time I had to be hospitalized for malnourishment. I was too young to recall what happened. My mother had 12 children. I was # 11. I am the youngest girl. My six older sisters have been there for me, some. I guess because she gave up somewhere. Maybe in her mind. She didn't drink, or smoke, she even took us to church. She never came clean with me when I confronted her. Not even an apollogy. She just kept repeating excuses. One of my older sisters raised my little brother and another sister tried to raise me but I moved back in with my mother a year or 2 after she had left me. At which time I became severly molested by a step father and other relatives and strangers. We moved every year. She also had alias names. I was never in foster care. I moved in with a boyfriend at 16 and his mother raised me from there. I thought I was in love, we married 6 years later. Except he was very controlling and abusive. I too have flash backs with certain smells, like with the grass in the park, with you. I still hate to be alone. Sometimes feeling as though no one is going to come home again. I don't trust many people and had anxiety and social disorders. I am grateful my husband and his mother made me finish school and made me get a job with good insurance. I became an Executive Secretary to two Vice Presidents for a nationwide dept. store chain. I checked into hospitals and got great therapy. I got a divorce, after 14 years of marriage. I gave it a shot. Now we try hard to get along for our 2 children. I'll be going back to school this year after 20 years. My mom is now 81 and is suffering from severe memory loss due to old age (deminsia). I have forgiven her a)she was and is sick b)there wasn't therapy then, like there is today, and c) it helped me heal, to forgive her. But I will never forget what she did. I will accept her for who she is and I will always love her because she did not abort me and she did teach me to believe in Jesus. I see now, how he replaces those in our lives who are missing. My sisters and I are extremely close. Maybe because it's the lack of love our mother showed us, so we fill it with each others love. I now do not regret anything in my past because it made me who I am today. I am strong, nurturing, empathic, understanding, intuitive, intellegent, sensitive and I am finally happy. I did forgive her because I believe everything is in God's control. Maybe I wouldn't have come to see Jesus is real if none of this had ever happened. It was God who intervened when I needed someone to be there. What great foster parents he sent you. Now I believe in Him. I feel that if my little brother hadn't been raised by my older sister he would have ended up like two of my older brothers who have severe mental illness today. Mostly due to heavy drug use, I think. Not me! I tried them but I'd rather have Jesus. Mom did teach me that.
Your mother is also lost and alcohol is an illness. I still get angry at my mom to this day. But I forgave her after the anger and hate ate me up for a long time. If I don't and I make a mistake maybe my kids will never forgive me. I know we would never make one that big. But later they may resent something we do. For me maybe divorce. It feels alot better to forgive than to hate. I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed. With Jesus I have overcome and can teach what I've learned. I'll just say, I believe the Bible is God's voice to us and holds the answers we are all looking for. A bible study healed me more than years of great therapy. God bless you!
Jewelly
