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Messages By: a65zip

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May 29, 2006, 12:39 pm CDT

I'm looking for a different kind of support. Can someone help?

Hello, everyone.  I'm new here and not sure where to find the kind of help I'm looking for.  I'm looking for a support group that sees my side of the weight problem.  My husband is morbidly obese and has been disabled since Feb. 2004.  He can no longer do anything for himself.  We've been married for 22 years and have a 6 year old daughter that we adopted as a newborn.  The doctor last month gave him a life expectancy of 6 years.   So he decided he has to lose weight but can't exercise or hardly move.    

My problem is this:  I am so tired of doing this.  I don't think I can do it much longer.  I work as much as I can, cleaning houses so I can make my own schedule.  But he needs me here a lot, too.  If I'm not here our daughter-only 6-has to take care of him.  He has coughing spells that make him pass out.  If he falls I don't know what we'll do.  I don't like to leave my daughter alone with him for obvious reasons but he wants her with him to call 911 if necessary.  I don't feel she should be in that position at her age but don't always have a choice.  He knows that her and I try to stay away as much as we can, which hurts his feelings, but sometimes we need a break.    

I've tried to get help locally but noone does home health without money and we have no insurance.  I can only do so much and then what?  He won't go on the Dr. Phil show without me and I don't travel.  Obviously, I have issues of my own, but that's another problem.    

Are there any support groups for the families of the dieters?  How do we keep up our strength?  I can't hardly eat when he's around (I know that's bad) because it makes me almost ill to look at him.  Not to mention how hard it is for me to not be too hard on our daughter.  She has a tummy.  It drives me crazy.   Last time I got on the scale I was down to 87 lbs. and in my eyes still fat so it's hard for me to understand why he can't just quit eating.  Can't he see?  Or am I just mean and heartless?  I want to be supportive but I'm so tired of this.  All help is welcome and appreciated.  Thanks for letting me vent if nothing else.  

I'm feeling a lot like Gilbert Grape these days.  

   

 
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May 30, 2006, 7:13 am CDT

Thanks for listening

Quote From: jettav

Hi, I wish I knew what to say to help you, but first of all, I would encourage you to be the support system that you can be for your husband, marriage isa committment through all seasons of life, at least it is suppose to be.... Are there family members or a friends that could help out some?maybe even a teenager, some one who can be in the home while you are out? I agree that your daughter should not have to be put into this position, it is so unfair for her, she is only 6. And I agree that you need a break at times, again, I ask is there a friend or family members who can help?............Have you checked out the weight loss boards here on the Dr. Phil site, you might be able to find support and advice there........I do understand a little bit of where you are coming from as my mom is in the position of taking care of my dad as well as my grandma now after both suffering from a stroke, though she does not have kids at home, she cannot leave them alone and gets depressed at times, and it is hard at times to find some relief but becasue she loves her family, she is more then willing to do this and she does take advantage of what little help she does get..........And venting is good, seems to help and can actually make us feel better at times...........Also, have you talked to your doctor about this situation, I am sure he can help give you a good diet plan or refer you to a good dietician. SInce you are pretty well taking care of him and cooking his food and all, then you can control what he eats which can be a bit hard in itself, my dad is a dietbetic and can't have just anything but since his stroke he seems to be alittle bit more manipulative and tries to convince us to give him things that he shouldn't have but my mom pretty well takes care of that, LOL.......If I understand your message, his biggest probalem is his weight so if YOU take control of his eating habits then the situation can get better and that is something to look forward to..........I am sure your husband probably feels helpless and maybe even some guilt, and maybe feels some lonliness, maybe you need to be his biggest supporter, make it clear to him that you and your daughter needs a break once ina while but you are there to take care of him, encourage him on a daily basis, I know it isn't easy but some how, you have to make things work for the sake of your family........................
Thanks for listening. No, he isn't willing to admit that he can't really be alone so when I suggest having someone come stay, he gets mad and says he doesn't need a babysitter.  His family is 5 hours away and no help even when they visit, which is rare.  His mother literally pad-locked the fridge when he was young.  It sounds like I could control what he eats, but it isn't that easy.  When I'm gone he calls for deliveries or calls my mom and she feels sorry for him so she brings whatever he wants.  I've talked to her but being overweight her whole life she empathizes with him and can't seem to see my side.  His self-esteem is so low that I'm half-scared to do too much.  He's always had suicidal tendencies.  Yes, we have him taking something for depression.  However, his doctor retired last year and I can't get him to go to anyone else.  It's not like I can pick him up and take him, you know?  So, I realize I have to work with what I have.  I should be working now but I sent my daughter to my moms so she could have a day off.  Even when I'm home, he tends to tell her to do more because he doesn't want to bother me.  When I go to do whatever he asked her, he gets mad.  Says she can do it.  But she's 6 and I don't think she should have to.  I thought about leaving for awhile to see if he would realize.... I'm not sure what.  I talked to one of his brothers about this and he said "I don't blame you, noone in the family would, we understand, but you know he'll kill himself if you do!"  So, no, there isn't that option either.  I am certain he's right.  I have searched the message boards, but none seem to be for me.  They are all for the dieter and he won't get on here with a support group because he can't type fast enough, he says.  He wants the easy way out and there isn't one.  You're right, though, sometimes just venting like this helps improve my attitude.  I did have a couple of friends who I would have stop by during the day when I'm gone but he caught on and got really upset about being babyset.  So, I'll just keep going like always cause ther's nothing else I can do.  Again, thanks for listening and understanding. 
 
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June 3, 2006, 8:38 am CDT

What can I do?

Quote From: heavyangel

This show absolutely terrified me, yet I saw myself..my future, my worst fears, in these people. I amdesperately seeking people who understand..I do not know how to find a way out of this nighmare.   I am 33, single from Virginia, female, & am desperate. I am small bones, 5'5" & right now 334lbs. I have fouhgt obesity since I was a child, except for a brief period in college where I was hospitalized after starving myself down to under 100lbs. I was also bulimic then, but underneath it all, I have been a severe food addict all alomg. It has gotten worse..I am eating from the time I wake up until  I go to bed, & having 4-5 sandwiches in the middle of the night is not uncommon. I am eating probably in one day what most people eat in 3-4 days. Ive tried every program, plan, pill, even switching to "healthy" food, but the comopulsion always wins in the end. Its like I truly live to eat, & feel like I am suffocating in my own fat. I carry a LOT of weight in my belly, & the top part is so distended & round I look pregnant with twins. My belly "apron," has gotten so heavy that it is hanging halfway down my thighs & slaps against them when I walk. I am huge, & just getting fattter all the time. But yet, even seeing myself continue to expand, I keep shoveling the food in. Mobility is decreasing rapidly..I am always out of breath, cabnnot bend over unless I spread my legs far apart to allow my belly to hang between them, & have terrible back, knee, & foot pain, as well as arthritis already. I feel so very alone- everywhere I go I am the fattest. I work full time - my boss even had to get me a wide armless chair becaue chairs with arms are out, as are booths, etc. I need a seatbelty extender even in my car. I have a history oif anxiety & depression, & have spent years in counseling dealing with my "issues," ranging from abandonment, to rejection, to sexual abuse, an alcoholic parent, & the death of my father when I ws little. I felt as if I had worked thorugh it all. I take meds for depression & anxiety, but lately all I want to do is lay in bed ( mainly to get the pressure of this belly off my back) propped up on pillows, watching tv & shoveling in the food. I cry all the time too it seems. Walking is getting so hard that I try to avoid even moving. Clothes dont fit unless I order them. And even though I know all of this, & see it getting worse, again, I keep right on eating. I am so totally out of control  that it scares me. I dont want to die. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, & am now borderline diabetic. My breathing is horrible. I am terrified I am going to die from being so obese, & this is not how I had imagined my life at 33. Im scared, very alone, & very scared. The depression itself is overwhelming, so I eat more, get fatter, & it starts all over again. An average breakfast is something like 4-5 egg mcmuffins, 4-5 hashbrowns, then 6 jelly donuts from 7-11, a few cheese danishes & cnady bars. Then morning snacks at my desk can be anythig from a box of twinkies & a big bag of doritos to more donuts, candy, etc. I eat the same way all day long, & stopping at several drive thru's, eating meals at each then going home to order pizza or something is not uncommon for me. My own mother doesnt even want to be ariound me - she says I disgust her, & is she had known her kid would be an elephant she wouldnt have even had me. That hurts so bad. I dont want to be seen as a circus freak. I want to be treated like a human, not stared at & pointed at.  My waist, or where it should be, is somewhere around 72" now. My insurance wont cover gastric bypass, & my doctor says I am at huge risk for a heart attack. Walking 20 feet about kills me, because with this belly swinging & out so far I feel like I simply follow behind it. I lose my beath, start to hurt terribly, & sometimes even have a difficult time with balance.  Life like this - revolving around food - is a nightmare, but I dont see any way out or any "light at the edn of the tunnel." I am so scared. My doctor says I need to lose about 215lbs, but right now I'd be happy to even get 50lbs of this fat off of my body. But instead, I just keep letting more & more pile on. Is there any way out of this hell? Please please, if anyone is, or has been where I am, please let me hear from you. I would love some friends who understand how this feels, because I feel so alone that lately I even wonder if I want to live if I have to live for food & in a body so enormous. Anyone out there?????
Thanks so much,  

Angel   

Hi Angel.  I do understand your situation to a point.  However, I am hoping maybe you can give me some advice.  My husband is in your position.  The unbelievable weight, the pain, the loss of breath, etc, but he blames me.  He says he can't do this alone.  But I don't know how to help him.  What can a person do to make you motivated or whatever to do something for yourself.  Right now he thinks I hate him and some days I do.  We've been married 22 years and I have never once said one word about his weight.  I try to help him however I can but when it got to the point that I have to put his socks and shoes on (as you say, special order-and they don't even fit anymore)  I got frustrated with him.  That started about 3 years ago and now he is completely disabled, mainly because of the fat.  He doesn't have high blood pressure or anything else that you would expect for someone his size-approximately 600 lbs. now.  His family half-way blames me and tells me to take all the food out of the house.  That seems cruel, not to mention we have a 6-year-old daughter that needs to eat.  So that is unfeasable.  I've changed to healthy cooking and keep fruit and such for snacks all the time.  He asks for certain things (healthy) but them won't eat them when I have it here.  I'm tired of wasting money on things that go in the trash because he won't eat what he asks for.  It's a terrible game we're playing and he has 6 more years to live at this rate, according to the doctor.  I've had to quit my job and started cleaning houses to make money and still be home to take care of him as much as possible.  At what point is he going to take responsibily?  I am sick to death of fat.  He is very depressed, of course, and embarrased to try to get help outside of home.  I've tried to get him on here to talk to some of you in the same situation but he won't because he types slow.  I've given him phone numbers and web sites for all kinds of help and support groups.  He won't even try.  Last night he sat crying saying he can't do this alone.  Well,  I can't do it for him.  Can you tell me some things that would motivate you?  What could your family and friends do that would make you want to lose the weight and get better?  Is there anything or is it just up to him to decide he's ready to do it?  I've looked for weight loss buddies in our town and haven't found him one yet.  Has your doctor suggested any excersizes for you?  He says a program might help.  Something easy that will get him moving at least a little bit.  He can't hardly walk to the bathroom now without feeling like he is going to fall from the weakness.  He doesn't eat anywhere near what you do but still gains.  I try not to be hateful but I don't want our daughter to think it's OK to be like him.  Yet, I want her to know and love him as a dad, not as someone she has to worry about or take care of.  If I'm working he thinks it's her job to take care of him and I don't like that.  How do I make him see what he's doing to the whole family, not just himself?  I would love to find the answers to what I can do for him but ......I don't know where to start.  Last night at midnight I woke up to the smell of him cooking bacon and eggs-talk about mad!  He doesn't eat much during the day but at night he does.  I don't understand  -- I hear him up and around at night but come morning he acts like he didn't do anything.  The dishes are still in the front room and pans on the stove.  Does he really think I don't see that?  Do you think he really doesn't care if he dies?  Maybe that's it.  Now 9 hours later, he is in there again cooking bacon and eggs.  There are all kinds of healthy choices he could have had.  I buy some things because at 6 my daughter doesn't understand why she can't have things just because daddy shouldn't.  And I think she's right.  Me, too.  I am under 90 lbs. and need to eat more.  However looking at him makes me want to never eat again.  Now I know that's the wrong attitude but it's the way I feel.  I have done everything I know to do and nothing works.     

   

So can you give me some advice?  You aren't near as big as him but still seem to be in the same boat.  What would make you want to help yourself?  Is it anything someone else can do or say?  Or is it just up to you?   You say you wonder if you even want to be alive.  Daily he says he just wants to kill himself.  I am at the point of buying a gun and giving it to him.  If we don't mean more than food why should we stay with him?  Maybe that's it...priorities...food is more important than us or himself?  Anyway, if you would like to chat more I check these boards several times a day looking for some help.  If there's anything I can do for you, say it.   You came here for help and I doubt I did that.  Sorry but maybe we can work together and get you and him healthy.  You have got to do it for yourself.  Can't you see that you're worth it?  Can't he see?  Why not?  Please reply.  I need advice from your side of things.  Thanks.  Hope to hear from you soon.  

   

   

 
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June 3, 2006, 9:22 am CDT

I'm with you

Quote From: chrisgold

I am 44 years old and have been married for 24 years, 15 of those have been unhappy. In the beginning my husband cheated on me with 2 differant women that I know of, I should have left him then but I did'nt. For the past 15 years I can not stand to have him touch or kiss me, when I do give in to sex I cry myself to sleep.  I recently left him and he has been bugging me to come back, he says that he can live the rest of his life without having sex as long as I come back to him and we stay married. I have tried counseling but nothing has helped me, I want to have a sexual relationship just not with my husband, I have talked to my husband about this until I'm blue in the face, but he thinks that I just don"t like any men. I have been very unhappy for a long, long time, and I am looking for alittle advice.

You sound like me, except you finally left.   I've been married 22 years, he had affairs after our 10th anniversary that I know about,  who knows what before that.   I haven't gotten past it either, and he of course doesn't understand.  Did your husband admit it or lie like mine?  I found him at one of his girlfriends at 3 a.m. and he still denied everything.  I, too, should have left then, but was so depressed nothing mattered.   I want out but don't have a way.  Now he's disabled and I'm really stuck.  We haven't had sex in years (literally, even before he was disabled)  because I quit giving in.   He said the same thing as your husband,  just stay and we don't have to have sex.  Yeah, right, until he was in the mood.  Then the mean came out of him.   My advice to you is if you're out, stay out.  I wish I had the guts to do it but I can't yet.   I understand your wanting a sexual relationship with someone else.  Mine thinks I hate men too.  He doesn't seem to get that it's not men in general, just him.   And I don't know if I hate him, I just don't love or even like him anymore.  It's a horrible place to be and you know it.  Why would you consider going back?   If nothing else, do it for all of us who can't do it for ourselves.  I would feel better knowing somebody made it out of this mess.  It might even give me hope that someday I can too.  You said you're 44.  I'm 40 so maybe in a few more years. haha     

Good luck and keep your head up and keep moving FORWARD.      

 
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June 3, 2006, 9:45 am CDT

We're not all bad....

Quote From: dlanzillo

My name is Donna and I to am a birthmother. I was also told the lies that they tell the birth mothers to stell their babys. I would suggest that you contact him from where I am sitting they told you lies. They promised pictures and letters and never did this and it piss me off that another women was treated like this. They take what they want and forget how they got the child they always wanted. We the birth parnets desirve the rights to be treated with repect. Go after your son and tell him your story because you never know what they have told him. 

  

God Bless 

Donna 

Dear Donna,   

   

I am an adoptive parent and want you to know not all of us are bad and don't care, either.  We got our daughter from the hospital at 2 days old, where her birth mother was going to leave her as a ward of the state.  She was 22 years old and wouldn't say who the father was.  We let her know that she could contact us any time she wanted and if she let us know where she was we'd keep in contact.  She has our address and we haven't moved.  We are listed in the phone book, also.   We haven't heard from her since.  Our daughter knows she is adopted, although she doesn't really understand at 6, and we have only told her good things about her mother.  Some day I expect her to want to find her birth mother and we'll help as much as possible with what little information we have.  So please stop putting down adoptive parents.  If it wasn't for us, where do you think all these kids would be, that you birth mothers didn't want or couldn't keep for whatever reasons.  I don't want to be rude but you need to see the other side of adoption, too.   

 
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June 3, 2006, 9:58 am CDT

Keep looking...

Quote From: genihanna

I am 47 (48 in August) and was adopted when I was 2 and a half months old.  Prior to my birth, my birth mother had been married twice and had 2 sons from her first marriage and twin sons from her first.  After my birth, she reunited with her 2nd husband and had a girl in 1960.   I would like to locate them.  I don't know, though, if they even know about me.  What do ya'll suggest?  I don't want to hurt anyone, but I am selfishly curious. 
I think you should keep looking for them.  Whether they know about you or not isn't the point.  You know about them and it's only right for you to know them.  Even if it doesn't work into a permanent relationship you have the right to find them.  If I had more siblings out there I would want to know about it.  I don't think it would be selfish in the least.  Some times we just have to do things for ourselves no matter what the cost.   I don't see how finding siblings could hurt them.  It may hurt your birth mother but  I wouldn't worry about that.  She basically put you in this position.  I would think most adopted children would at some point want to find their biological families, so she should expect no less from you. 
 
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June 4, 2006, 8:08 am CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: busty19

I noticed that I posted something back in April that I guess people just passed over or I was just too agitated to go from reply 40 to reply 89...I was raped back in april of 2005 and I never really go over it. They've had shows on Dr. Phil for it and I've been recommended, people calling behind my back because they wanted me to get help. I just want to know if it's stupid to grieve over losing my virginity...I can understand heated passion with a lover or husband...but not to a total stranger that even after I said no WOULDN'T stop until he was satisfied. I know there's rapes all over the world but we need help for the ones now...and it seems people think it's just part of life, I almost died because I thought it was my fault I'd gotten raped, I'd been told that I would wear 'whorish' clothing and I don't know about you people but grandma clothing is NOT what I would consider whorish because I couldn't wear women's or teen's because of my chest and other parts of my body. 

  

  

I just need help, if you want to reply back, feel free because I'm on the goddamn breaking point, and I've had rushing thoughts of suicide but never went with them but they're getting worse...if you want to help me out, email the show, or email me at spazzing_psycho_18@yahoo.com I always answer. 

  

Butterfly cuts and candy blood,  

Jill 

I just want to say how sorry I am for what happened to you.  It does seem to be a common thing and noone does a heck of a lot about it.  Usually what happened to you...blame the victim.   That is SO wrong.  No matter what anyone says DO NOT blame yourself.   I did that for years and it makes you feel so worthless.  Get some help from where ever you can find it...if nothing else look in the front of your phone book-there should be a listing for mental help which is what I think might help you.   Your mother doesn't have to know.  You said you're 18.  You're an adult.  But if your mom knew she might be more supportive than you think.  Chances are she has been through something similar in her life.  I found that talking to people about it was very helpful in the healing process.   Good luck and keep fighting. 
 
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August 8, 2006, 4:20 pm CDT

Staying Motivated

Hi, everyone.  I'm just wondering if I could get some ideas for motivation for my husband, besides the obvious.  He started a diet and excersize program on his own June 24 of this year and has lost an unbelievable amount of weight.  We don't know exactly how much because he was housebound for 3 years and until last weekend he couldn't get out the door and into a vehicle.  Sunday we got him to a scale that showed him at 620 lbs.  I am guessing that he has already lost at least 75-100 lbs. just to get to this point by looking at how his clothes don't fit and the fact our 6 year old  70 lb. daughter can sit next to him in his chair now.  He was wedged into the chair before he started this. 

 

OK, so I'm wondering how to keep him motivated.  He says he needs support of some kind and I am not good with these things.  Can some of you let me know what keeps you going each day?  He knows he needs to keep going with this but some days it's hard to do when he has so far to go.  He's been big his whole life but the last few years he gave up and got even bigger.  This is the first time in the 25 years we've been together that I've seen him try to lose even 1 pound so I want to help him if I can.  Suggestions and ideas please????

 
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August 29, 2006, 3:42 pm CDT

All or none

Quote From: michelleinva

My mother and I have always had a relationship until a couple of months ago.  She thinks I don't spend enough time with her since i have been married.  She and I have not spoke since our last arguement 3 months ago.  She called to let me know she wants to repair our relationship but she wants nothing to do with my husband.  She will not come to our house and he is not welcome at theirs.  I feel like if she wants to repair the relationship she needs to with both of us not just me.  Is it wrong of me not to want a relationship with her unless she accepts my whole family?

My mother in law was the same way with me when I first got married.  My husband simply explained that if she wanted to be like that she could, but she wouldn't be seeing him until she treated me decently, to my face as well as behind my back.  After about a year of not having him around for holidays or anything else she learned to accept me.  He is her oldest child.  That was 22 years ago and so far we are still together. 

I think you are doing right to stand by your husband.  I can't imagine things would have worked for us this long if he hadn't.  That's part of marriage to me.  Standing together no matter who/what is trying to come between us.

Good luck with your situation.  Hope this helped.

 
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August 31, 2006, 9:32 am CDT

I'm rocking the boat

Quote From: lynda47

Hello

This is my frist time to post here.I have been married 33years.For the last 10-12 years I have lost my feelings for him.I have keep try to hold it all together but the last 3 years have been so bad.He is going thought a depresson because of a job change.He has just given up on everything.We have not had sex in I say 4 years.We are not close at all.He saids he loves me but I dont feel it.One night we were talking and he said he loved me even thoe I am fat.This is not the frist time hes brought up my weight.I just dont know what to do.I dont feel anything for him but scared to walk away. Is it better to stay and not rock the boat?If theres anyone that could talk to me I would really be thankful.Could you please us my email address  dessur@yahoo.com  thank you so much

Hi.  I am pretty much where you are only to top it off my husband has been disabled for the last 3 years and he is the one who has the weight problem.  DOWN to about 600 lbs. now from about 750 2 months ago when I told him I wanted to leave.  We've been married 22 years and have a 6 year old. 

I don't know what to do either.  I want out hoping that I can be happy.  I'm tired of this and don't know how to get the feelings back.  I also have tried to fall back in love for the last at least 10 years, probably more, and I can't seem to do it. 

I guess I had to rock the boat because I have the slight hope for a chance for happiness.  Like you, I am scared to death of being on my own.  I'm not sure I can do it.  I went from mom to him.  I work and think I could do it, but there is always this fear and doubt in the back of my mind.  He knows all of this as we have been talking a lot since June when I told him how I felt.  He's changing daily for the better but I don't feel like I am.  My feelings for him haven't changed.  I will always love him as a friend, worry about him and be there as much as I can.  But not in the way of a wife.  We are living together in seperate rooms until he can lose weight to be able to take care of himself.  I can't/won't leave him until he's stable.  It's really hard though to do this.

Good luck in what you decide to do.  I hope things work out for you.  And me.  Take care.

 

 

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