Messages By: a65zip

My husband has been disabled and bedridden pretty much for about 3 years now.  He spent most of it depressed and eating and gained a LOT of weight and was already a big guy (over 500 lbs.)  June 27th of this year he started a diet and excersize program he made up for himself.  As he couldn't leave the house, could barely walk really, he couldn't do normal things to work out.  He started with lifting weights (we're on a very tight income but I found some cheap hand weights to get him started) to at least work his upper body until he could get breathing better.  Then he started watching a guy on T.V. and getting up a minute at a time doing what he could until he built up some stamina.  He did things like hold his legs up one at a time as long as he could, until it burned. Each week he made himself do a couple more of each excersize he made up.  Slowly it got easier for him to move and get up and down.  That was almost 3 months ago and he has lost about 150 lbs. since then.  He's down to about 560 now and can get in a vehicle and drive again.  He can go with our daughter to watch her ride horses and take her to and from school for the first time.  He can walk across the room without me worrying about him falling down or having a heart attack or stroke from the exertion.  It was so scary for all of us.  If he hadn't found a way to lose the weight he was going to die.  The doctors told him that. 

Now he sees a future again where he can go back to work by next spring and have an active lifestyle like he had when he wasn't so big.  He knows he'll be around to see his daughter grow up. 

So I believe it takes intense will power and a lot of determination but it's possible to lose weight without an actual program and without leaving the house.  He's living proof and we've been taking pictures every couple weeks since he started.  The first roll shows an amazing difference and gave him encouragement to keep going and finish what he's doing.  I'm prouder of him than anyone will know. 

OK, I have to say I'm completely shocked that Dr. Phil is wasting his time on Danny.  Don't get me wrong here, I have nothing against Danny.  But I have to say what a waste of time this is to try to get Gretchen to work this out with him.  I understand why she has stayed as long as she has, and it has nothing to do with the attention she gets for being the "good one", as one viewer commented.  It has to do with the fact that she loved him, probably still does, but she can only take so much.  At some point a person has to walk away for self-preservation, both their own and that of the children involved.  I did last year, for many of the same reasons Gretchen has.  Once they cheat, the trust is gone.  When they lie it only makes it all worse.  I've learned after 23 years of this that some people can't change even if they want to.  We are who we are.  I hope Gretchen has the strength to continue with the divorce.  My husband and I watched the show Friday together.   He and Danny have so much in common it really hit him hard.  And, like Danny, he knows he has lost the one he claims to love more than anything.  But I believe they also both know why we left them and that we did the right thing.   They are not good for us or our children.  They are bad influences and make it harder to raise well adjusted, honest, good kids.  My daughter was 4 the first time she asked me why daddy was lying.  Now she's 7 and even though she knows it's wrong and very often hurts people, she is almost as bad as him. 

Grechen passed the divorce test, as did I, so what makes Dr. Phil think that she isn't done with Danny?  Just because Danny isn't ready?  Too bad!  Gretchen wasn't ready for what she got either but did Danny care?  No, he was taking care of himself, knowing she would be home waiting to make sure he was OK, taking care of the kids and house.  Because he knows she loved him and was a loyal, good spouse. 

Well, as I said, I hope she goes through with what she started.  Her and the children all deserve better than him.   I also hope she takes some time for herself and her kids to be alone before she gets with someone else. 

My husband and I watched this show together, as we do most Dr. Phil shows.  We've been married 24 years.  He weighs about 700 lbs. (this is our best guess as he is housebound and we don't have a scale to weigh him) and I am doing good if I can stay above 90 lbs.  He's 6'3", I'm 5'2".  Yes, he's always had a weight problem.  The rest of his family does not although his mother had him on a diet most of his childhood.  My mother has been a big woman my whole life.  I remember my "dad" always putting her down, saying the same type of thing this idiot does to his wife, and watched her get bigger and bigger as a result.  It never helped but it really hurt her. So I learned from that.  Remember the movie "Bambi"?  Thumper said "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all".  We know he meant "don't say ANYTHING at all".  Grandma said that was a good saying and we should learn from it.  So I've always tried to follow that theory.

My problem with the guy on the show?  It's almost always a "man" who has his own weight problem putting down women with the same problem.  I don't understand how they think they are better and have the right to degrade the ones they "love" in that way. I don't know how long ago the "Blue Comedy Tour" started but when they brought out the fat guy that tells almost all fat women jokes, I quit watching.  Now I see him on t.v. for some weight loss group.  I think he must have figured out he should fix himself first, then maybe his jokes would actually be jokes.  The one about being pulled over by a cop, asked if he'd been drinking, responding with "why? is there a fat woman in the backseat?" is what topped it.  He had to be 300 lbs. or more at the time.  I'm not saying skinny people have the right to degrade fat people, just getting my point across of how ignorant it is for anyone to degrade anyone else for any reason.

Now, I have to admit I have gotten resentful and spiteful through the years, I still try to not react to his weight in a negative way.  Has it helped him in any way by me being nice?  Absolutely not!  I really want to yell and scream and cry but what good would that do him? It might make me feel better for about 1/2 a second until I see the way it would affect him, then I would feel like a giant piece of trash.

How do I deal with all this?  I stay away from home and him as much as possible, take any work I can find to make money as he says I've been such a burden to him by being a stay-at-home wife (that was what we both wanted), being non-supportive when he tried to diet (which wasn't until about 2 years ago when I told him I wanted a divorce), tells me what a horrible mom I am (while his nickname for our 8 yr. old adopted daughter was "dumb" until last month when I told him I wished I had a camera in the house for 1 day just so he could see how often he yells at her and calls her that, among other things). The guilt I feel is for my daughter.  I wish now we had left her in the hospital as a ward of the state (that was her birth mothers plan) as opposed to bringing her into what our life has turned into.  I find myself taking my stress and anger out on her and last night was so mad that I was the one who called her stupid.  Yes, I apologized but I know from experience that doesn't help.  Once you say it, you can't take it back. "If you can't say something nice...."  

So, where do I go from here?  I did leave him in November 2006.  I came back because his family wouldn't help him, he is disabled (even if it is his own fault-he says it's my fault he's fat), and my daughter loves him.  I want her to have the chance to be with both of us.  While I was in another house I couldn't supervise what was going on with them.  She stayed mostly with him.  He's really good at guilting her into feeling sorry for him.  I don't feel that guilt anymore.  I refuse to accept the blame, too.  But as young as she is, it's easy for him to manipulate her. Meanwhile, being the provider he always claimed to be, he lost his home.  Also my fault I'm told.  So we got a large farmhouse, 2 story, so we can both be with her but not to close to each other.  We share the kitchen, try to keep things as close to normal as possible for her, and try not to get on each others nerves. 

I feel I'm stuck here until he dies at this point.  With my luck he'll outlive me but I don't know what else to do.  When I left he told our daughter I didn't love or want either of them and that if it wasn't for her I would still be there. I know it sounds bad but that is what I pray for-his death.  Sad that this is what our lives have come to. 

I wrote Dr. Phil a couple times for help but as my husband can't travel I never got a response. I've talked a lot with my daughter about why I left.  She knows it is mainly because of her dads lies.  He has always talked me down to his girl friends and family.  When I confront him on it, he denies everything and says the others are telling the lies, trying to cause us problems.  I've always asked why his friends and family would do that and he says they are jealous of me.  More lies but he is one who believes what he says. We all know someone like him, the habitual liar who can't keep it straight and will deny to the death when called on it. 

The result so far?  My daughter has turned into a mini him.  She lies about anything and everything and even when caught will deny it.  For example, she will say something, I will say that's not right and tell the truth, she will say thats what she said.  I say no, she said whatever, and she says well, that's what I meant. 

I think she learned by us sharing a house again that it's ok to lie to me and get away with it.  She sees me being nice to him even though she hears him still lie to my friends about how horrible I am. I feel so much guilt and anger and frustration towards them both I could fly.  What a terrible injustice to all of us, I guess, that I can't seem to be mean enough to just take her, file for divorce and let him fall.  I've checked into what would happen if I did this.  The courts would not let him have visitation unless supervised because of her age and his disability.  He would lose a third of his social security which wouldn't be enough for him to live on.  And I'm afraid she would hate me for "doing" this to her dad. 

So now I'm praying for the end of time......