Messages By: rda295

Quote From: lauren41

OK I have a question for every one.  I have been with this man for nearly 20 years married for 17 of them.  He seemed like the perfect person until....  While I was pregnant with my first child he told me he didnt want kids and he was leaving me then shortly after she was born he begged me to let him back he said he was just scared. Roughly, 1 1/2 years go by and I become pregnant with my son about six months into the pregnancy find he had been cheating on me for the prior 1 year with two different women.  He said it was a one-time thing when he got drunk when he was out of town working and he swore it would not happen again. 

 

Therefore, I let him off the hook things seemed to be going well for the next 6 years or so then after I gave birth to my third child he was caught red handed cheating again, I confronted the woman and she said my husband had told her I trapped him and he never wanted kids to begin with.  I can you all screaming at your monitors right now....but yes I took him back again then some time later I was diagnosed with breast and uterine cancer lots of chemo a hysterectomy and mastectomy total of about 3 years fighting for my life.  All the while, he rarely came with me to treatments or came to see me in the hospital and yes, he had been cheating the whole time I was sick.  Six times all together that I am aware. 

 

I still wanted to save the marriage; my grandmother who raised me to believe that the first person you are with should be who you are with forever no-matter what.  I struggled with that for a long time and I tried to make it work.  So the kids my husband and I went to Vegas for vacation about three days into the trip he said he was called back on an emergency at work so he left, the kids and I  stayed another 4 days.  When we arrived back in Minnesota, I was served with divorce papers at the airport in front of my children.  Completely stunned on the cab ride home I arrived at my home to find it had been completely cleaned out of everything and all of our joint bank accounts drained he left me with the kids and nothing else.  I spent the next few years by myself, then I met this guy whom I totally fell in love with he has the values and morals I cherish dated him up till about a month or so ago.  When my ex started saying he wanted back in with me saying he has changed for the better meanwhile I have this guy who makes me happier then I have ever been hes thoughtful, kind and my kids adore him, he is everything my ex-husband is not.  The ex tells me to this day he never wanted kids; that I made him have them and I made him cheat because I didnt spread my legs enough.

 

I have my folks and grandparents pressuring me to reconcile with my ex, saying in the eyes of the church I should not have divorced him in the first place, so I am really struggling.  I do not know if I love him anymore, I love him for the three wonderful kids he gave me but I do not think I am in-love with him.  I am sure I love the man I have dated for 2 years  because regardless of how hard I try to forget him and reconcile with my ex I always seem to find myself being pulled back to the man I was dating for 2 years.  He sent me a text message on Sunday morning telling me to have a good day and he loves me, well my ex saw the text first and he forwarded it to everyone in my family  and they all pretty much laid a huge guilt trip on me about still having contact with him while trying reconcile with the ex.  Therefore, I am in a major struggle with the prospect of leaving what I know to be the best thing in my life in this man I have dated for 2 years and re-marring my ex or staying with this man I truly love and totally going against my folks and the church.   A side note my 2 oldest children do not want me to re-marry my ex they want me to marry the mad I have dated for 2 years in my heart that is what I want as well.  Yet still I struggle.  Any advice?

 

Quote From: anon_slc

There are relationships that are so destructive that the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  Some of my favorite books which provide a great introduction and insight into the subject are: 

 

Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn Collins AND Overcoming Passive-Aggression:  How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships...by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin

 

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward 

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss 

 

The decision to leave another person is never easy.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave so that you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can eventually learn to live a joyful and peaceful life. 

 

Hope it helps! 

 

Quote From: brians38

I like sex as much as the next guy, in fact I have been told I am quite good at it, but I digress.  If you ask me sex is a small part of a healthy relationship  too many people base soooooo much of the success of theri marrage on their sex life  how about the other sstuff that I think is what it's really about....Like the touch holding hands caressing your partners back a kiss on the neck a whisper in the ear for no reason saying I love you or your beautiful, A wink at your spouse or just a smile in their direction, saying have a great day, or how was your day, sharing responsibilities with the kids and helping around the house...I could go on and on but I hope you all get my point.  If most couples talk about all of those things prior to getting married I think there would be less divorsce and less adultry.  I am a man and i believe that too many men think like neanderthals that the women is their to serve them, isnt that why they took "obey" out of traditional marrage vows, because it is so out dated and sexist?  I apologize but for blabbering, but if prior to marriage men wouold understand that a marrage is a 50-50 partnerhsip on all levels their would be a lot less adultry and and divorce in general.  I mean come on MEN you will be suprised how much better the quality of you sex life will be not to mention frequency if you try these things...Make her feel important even if have had a hard day or your tired, get your own beer out the fridge when you get home, run her a bath take the kids out for ice cream so she can relax a bit you will surprised with the responce just a little consideration will bring.  And for you women who do not get these things at home or dont get the repsect we all deserve...Stand up and require it! or say hit the road jack.  Form day one of a marrag no woman should ever have to feel like they dont matter, or feel like they give and give and get nothing, or EVER EVER have to forgive a cheating husband.  Because if all men understood all these things before entering to marrage they wouldnt feel the need to cheat becasue they would be fulfilled at home.... Theres my two cents....What say you all?