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Messages By: pensiveme
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August 3, 2006, 9:08 pm PDT
 WORKING FOR A DERM, I WISH I COULD SHOW TEENS WHAT HAPPENS TO SKIN AS IT AGES. EVERY DAY, I CAN TELL THE ONES WHO HAVE HAD A LIFETIME OF TANS VS. THE ONES WHO HAD NO TIME TO SIT AND BROWN. THE SKIN LOSES IT ELASTICITY AND STARTS TO SAG. SPOTS, BOTH WHITE AND BROWN BECOME PART OF YOUR COMPLEXION. IT SURE DOESN'T LOOK PRETTY. THINK OF THIS. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD TANNED WOMAN. SHE LOOKS LIKE A VERY WORN SHOE, WITH DEEP CRAGS AND THICK SKIN. LOOK REAL CLOSE AT THE LEGS AND NOTICE HOW THE SKIN OF THE THIGHS HANGS. THAT IS NOT JUST THE AGING PROCESS. IT IS YEARS OF TANNING THAT LEAVES THE SKIN LOOKING LIKE LEATHER. SO YOUR CHOICE IS TO BE AN OLDER ADULT, WITH THE SKIN UNBLEMISHED, STILL SMOOTH. OR BE THE ONE WHOSE FACE LOOKS LIKE AN OLD, WELL WORN PIECE OF SHOE. AND LETS NOT FORGET, THE INCIDENCE OF SKIN CANCER. THOSE WILL LEAVE DEEP CREVICES AND HOLES WHEN THE SKIN HAS TO BE GOUGED OUT OF YOUR FACE TO REMOVE CANCER. IT'S NOT A PRETTY SIGHT TO SEE. SO CHOOSE, HAVE SKIN THAT LOOKS LIKE A NICE SMOOTH GRAPE OR HAVE SKIN THAT LOOKS LIKE THE UGLY PRUNE. GO SIT IN A DERMATOLOGIST OFFICE. IT IS QUITE AN AWAKENING. WORSE, COME SIT NEXT TO ME WHEN I HAVE TO REFER SOMEONE TO AN ONCOLOGIST FOR MELONOMA. IT BREAKS MY HEART. |
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September 6, 2006, 8:33 pm PDT
married 32 years. love him like crazy. since july 2005, he has suffered three big losses. lost his most important male relationship, his brother in law. lost his job to 'downsizing in feb 06. 34 year career. lost his father, age 96, in march 06. i have been extremely supportive all this time, don't want to pressure him. he has gone through the greatest losses a man can suffer. problem is, it's now sept 06. he has no 'sexual desire'. none, nada., zippo. made me feel real bad. i am an attractive 50 yr old, who loves him and loves having sex with him. he doesn't have the 'desire' anymore. i am getting quite frustrated. i feel i have given a fair share to the 'no pressure' issues. what do i do now? have thought about taking on a lover 'with no strings attached' but that violates my moral ethics. have thought about moving out of our marital bed so i don't have to pretend he doesn't desire me anymore. have thought about calling it quits but he is my heart. how does a man really feel about this sensitive issue?? how is it approached without putting 'pressure' on his non functioning body part? or is his e.d. coming from the emotional issues that have come too soon, too close together. trying to find the mans perspective to this sensitive issues. |
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September 8, 2006, 8:41 pm PDT
Quote From: jettav I'm not a man but I will say that marriage is suppose to be 100% on both sides but stuff does happen and the two need to be supportive of one another. You married this man for better and for worse, in sickness and in health and chances are, with the losses he has experienced in a short period of time, it is probably affecting him emotionally so therefore his emotions are gonna get in the way of his true feelings including within his marriage. Remmeber men and women think differently and deal with things differently. My husband tends to go into his own little world when he is depressed/has a lot on his mind but snaps out of it pretty well, others might not be able to deal with issues as quickly in those cases, I would reccomend some good counseling, he needs to talk to some one and you need to be his support system. even if he chooses not to got o a counselor, you can still be there for him, maybe find something good to read, not sure what to reccomend, but maybe something on how to help a loved one grieve and maybe a relationship book, Dr. Phils, relationship rescue or even self matters might be a good one to read. Whatever the case, leaving him, having an affair,a nything negative like that isn't gonna help you or him. sure, it's a temporary fix for you but in the end, you are gonna regret it and then there will be more emotional issues and whatever else to drag right along sid eof this other stuff. I do feel that sex is imporant in a marriage and shouldn't be with held from one another but every ones situstions are different and the two has to find a way to communicate and get help with thier issues, even if he deosn't agree to any form of counseling, you can still get some to help you through this and to help you find ways of helping your husband.If you truly love this man as much as you say you do, then you need to be his support system and find a way to encourage him and in return, if he truly loves you, he will eventually come through it, he has a lot of emotions, I am sure to deal with. Sad that he is putting you through this as well but yet at the same time, he is probably so depressed and sad that he isn't thinking straight, don't let this come between you and your husband, I know, easier said then done but don't bail out because of his emotional state,, these tragedies just happened just over a year ago and that isn't very long ago, healing is a process, it doesn't happen over night and not only he is dealing with one loss, but three and to be perfectly honest, I am not so sure I could deal with it, I am still grieving over my best friend who died 3 years ago unexpectedly and beleive me, when I get to thinking about her, my emotions can get a little ahead of me, with out the love and support of my husband, I am not so sure I would be as far as I am with the healing process. He has only been going through this for a year and hopefully you can stick around and find a way to help him through it instead of adding more stress and with all this being said, only you know the real deep issues and only you can make the desccisin that needs to be made, just remember, running fron the sitaution isn't gonna help either one of you, just gonna make it worse. we were in counseling before these life altering events happened. the issues were about lack of 'intimacy' in our relationship. it is not a new issue but an issue i was way tired off. he comes from a family where his dad had extramarital affairs since day 1 of his 60 year marriage. he comes from a family where affection was not an expressed emotion. his dad was a real winner, no emotion and my husbands entire family orbited around his world. his mom, was the martyr. stayed with this man even though she knew about his extramarital affairs. she was a typical hispanic female who tolerated all her husband infidelities because of the culture of the time. as my marriage has progressed in years, i realize it's possible she turned to my husband as her 'partner' instead of a child. my concern is not entirely about the sexual non existence, but that he has serious issues with intimacy. he will not kiss me, hug me, etc etc. how am i at the age of 50, going to 'be supportive' in a marriage without the power of physical contact of any type??? i look at life for the day. i like to look at my day as a mission to accomplish. thinking about what happened yesterday is not going to help me live today. i have been supportive but i am beginning to feel quite neglected. a marriage needs two people to survive. a marriage of only one, does not work. i have asked him to return to therapy, i 'graduated'. our last therapist told me ' you are an emotionally healthy person'. i guess what i can't accept is that he wants to relive the coldness of his father and the pain of his mother all over again. i do not. problem is i see it, he doesn't. he has been a faithful partner throughout our marriage. but what makes you think that unless he reconnects with me, he will not fall into having an affair himself??? a man in mid life can be swayed in a heart beat by a prettier younger woman who is looking for a daddy to take care of her. as my therapist told me, i can stay in the marriage for 'financial security' and find other hobbies to take up my time. would you want to end your life in a marriage where you can eat all the chocolate you crave alone or in a marriage where you eat bread and water together?????????????? i pick bread. |
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September 14, 2006, 8:17 am PDT
Quote From: jettav Basically what I am saying is that having an affair and things ike that isn't gonna help your situation any, it will only make things worse. He does need to get some therapy to help through all this stuff and if he doesn't then it isn't gonna help. Even though I do believe divorce is a cop out for most people now days, but if one is gonna cheat and isn't happy in the marriage and thinkin about leaving then why not just get the divorce and be free of him. I agree with Dr. Phil when he says that one should earn their way out of the marriage meaning that you have done everything in your effort and power to make things right but you see no good results from it. I honeslty don't know what else to say to you but you did say that you have considered leaving and having an affair but I can guarentee that those actions wil not resolve anything, yes, for a short period of time, but then you go back home to the same issues. Keep searching til you get the answers that you need. Maybe leave for a while and see what happens, maybe if he sees that you are gone, he will at least attempt to make some changes and you can both sit down and communicate and come up with solutions, a stregedy together to make the positive happen, sometimes it takes tough love to get through to another. yes, you are. an affair is not an option for me, i wouldn't do that. sometimes, that little child, the one that seeks her own comfort, replaces the adult part. it just makes me angry because we have been together so long and our time together is coming to a close. and for me as a woman, it;s hard to accept the physical part of our relationship may never return. i'm only 50, and still like to be held and kissed. i have tried to reconnect to him that way but he pulls back from physical touch. i understand that as a man, he finds it humiliating. to know he can't. my suspicion is that he won't. something triggered this in him. i know that. i realize he must return to therapy to seek the answers i cannot give him. i am working on that. but to have an affair or hurt him or my family is not something i would ever do. trust me. if my future brings this 32 year relationship to an end, whatever it would be, then i would accept it. what i was trying to say is that i am not stupid. that could be another woman. unless he finds the reason why 'he has no desire' , our marriage will be on a precarious ledge. intimacy is part of all marriages. i don't want to be his roommate. i want to be more. we have been through therapy, the therapist has told him all of this already. he is choosing not to do it. my choice is then to continue to live this way, to stay in this marriage for it's 'financial security', this advice from the therapist, find other ways to fill my life, 'advice from the therapist' be thankful i'm married, advice from the therapist' or get divorced. all options i really don't like. but realities that i am trying to accept. in talking to many women my age and reading these boards from women my age, it is very common that 'sexual intimacy is given up. i never thought that i would ever be in this position. it makes me sad. i didn't see it coming, never thought that i would live in a 'sexless marriage. thanks for your support. your words brought me back to the reality of adult world. i know i am responsible for my own life, not for anyone Else's. |
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September 16, 2006, 10:24 am PDT
Quote From: srbluvslab I could have almost typed this post word for word. I always dreamt of the idealic marriage. Thought I would have that since I married a wonderful woman. Almost immediately her desire went away. Now it has settled into an out-and-out aversion. I guess counseling is what we are going to have to try again, but it just sucks when your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you. Not many things are worse for the ego than that. is it about the ego?? or is it about knowing some one you truly love just doesn't love you enough?? enough to put their own egos aside to make us happy?? that isn't ego. it's part of marriage. knowing marriage is team work. working together and putting the damn ego to the side. ego is one, means self. i got up this morning and thought, how did Dana reeve do it?? stayed married to a man who could not hold her, could not perform in the traditional sexual way. but he, Christopher must have satisfied her some way. and i thought i wish i could have that, be like that. how does one reach that plane in a relationship??? stay married where there is no sex at all??? especially when the desire is there but there is one crucial element missing, a partner who wants to share the experience of the connection with you. i won't have an affair, that goes against my belief system. divorce is not an option now. i truly love this man with heart and soul. to think i would find this love again is fairy tale stuff, and Cinderella i am not. i guess the difficulty in this situation is knowing their ego, the partner who doesn't want, who can care less about your needs creates the rhythm of the relationship. and you, the one who wants to have sex, to have the connection to another human being, gets nada. so is it ego:?? you bet!!!!! my issue is the ego that is being fulfilled is not mine, but his. how do i deal with that?? in a heart beat, i could pick who i want to have an affair with, but it's not what i want. i want to have an affair with him, my partner, the one i have grown up with, that went from an 18 year old sexy momma to a 50 year old sexy mom. where do i grow from here without sex in the equation of marriage?? and please, don't tell me to get a hobby. and finding the spiritual side of me, where sex no longer is an important component, I'll get there eventually. bottom line, i am so pissed off, i just want him out of our bed. the frustration of knowing this person who lies next to you has no desire for sex, has no desire to kiss or hold you, to have you near their body is a nuclear bomb, smashing your ego into minute particles of dust. and the bad part, it happens night after night. so you go to the bed anticipating the 'connection will happen, that connection that created your couple hood, that made no one else matter but this one person. and you go to bed, newly shaved, freshly bathed, no sox, no flannels, cup your hand, check your breath. all the things new couples do to bait that person who turns you on. we all do that. and the minute you get in the bed, you feel that glacier wall, that blueness of ice between you start to envelop you. and the tension starts to grow, you feel the muscles strain but for all the wrong reasons. and the ego of the person who doesn't want, wins yet again. because they have no desire but to comfort their own ego. and you sink into the pillow, put your own hand somewhere on your body, to feel some human contact anywhere at all. go to sleep, frustration blocking dreams. and the worse part, is you get up the next morning, to do it all over again. because the ego of the one who has no room for you on their agenda, doesn't realize their ego is sucking the air out of your own. damn it, i hate it, detest it, abhor that i am in this place. a lightning bug stuck in a jar, thats how i feel. |
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September 17, 2006, 1:09 am PDT
Quote From: hotnychick Why doesn't she want sex with you ( I am guessing you are a man?) (By the way-you read alot of classics-I saw your email) Anyhoo- Did something happen? Did you do something to make her not want to have sex with her hubby-you? Do you TRULY respect her? Do you abuse her in any way? Do you have good healthy hygiene? Nothing is more sick or unattractive than being 'forced' to have sex with a hubsand ( or wife-I guess) who does not bathe daily brushes his teeth and generally cares about his overall appearance- Know what I am saying? The ego- Well.... I do not think it is a good idea for a man to tell or ask his wife to have sex with him to boost his insecure inflated ego- ( I do not mean you ) But alot of men think women are only on this planet for sex and for him to 'relieve'himself- Have you asked your wife these questions? Are there health problems? Please do not be mad or yell at me-I was just asking and kinda sharing somethings with all who read this- You may have to get really really real and hope therapy helps y'all- and what makes you think hygiene creates arousal?? wouldn't it be cool if just because we had colgate fresh breath and pantene washed hair, our partners would become sexually aroused. do you mean to tell me that all these years of keeping myself in good shape, all it takes to arouse sexual desire lies in the toothbrush??? know what ' ego' stands for??? EVERYTHING GOING OKAY. for the partner who doesn't want to have sex, who no longer has the desire to 'go all the way', that's the world they live in, their ego. and despite all those body mists, perfumes, whitening toothpaste and all the other gook on the market, that isn't gonna bring woody back to life. i don't think most men use women to relieve themselves. what i do think is that men forget how they caught the attention of a woman in the first place. it was with flowers, and compliments. smiles and attention. but then, they forget. forget that a woman doesn't carry that button to push start arousal. and unfortunately for us women, the ones who lies next to that colgate fresh, pantene washed, gillette trac 2 shaved man, we just get to smell them from afar. and wish that they would make love to us. and by the way, what's wrong with reading the classics?? seems to me if more men would, they could learn a thing or two. |
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September 17, 2006, 2:03 am PDT
Quote From: dancer24 You have said the same things that I am experiencing. I really don't think that my husband really truly loves me enough to put asise his ego or selfishness. I too just want to be held, kissed and told I am the best part of his life. Recently I broke my arm and had to rely on my family to help. Not once did he wash my back or help without some snide comment. Of course my children pitched in best they could (11 & 10). I would have just loved it if he would have expressed some kind of concern about my welfare.
I have thought about divorce, but I do not want to break up the home for the children and I really don't think that I can handle raising them by myself. I am just chicken. I am an only child without any family left and feeling very alone. I am very so very close to an affair that I want for the physical aspects, but know that it will not solve the problem.
Like the song - so much for my happy ending. and it can be still a happy ending. listen, i do know how it feels. especially when there are children involved. how lonely it is when you go to bed and instead of his arms holding you, making you feel special, you end up so frustrated you want to take the damn pillow and whack them with it. i get so pissed, every time he starts to snore and i'm lying there fuming, i give him a good poke. we have spoken about his 'lack of desire'. and you know what, it;s so much more than that. it's the lack of intimacy, the hand that goes unheld, the hug to reinforce the love that brought you together. and men, they are a bunch of emotional idiots. we, evolved into intellectual and emotional species. men, alot of them still live in caves. but they now sit warming their hands in front of the television instead of an open fire. really, they have no clue to what makes a woman feel loved. but don't let him be the barometer of your life. when you were born, it was life given to you alone. and you are an adult woman, with two young children to raise. i know where you are, i was there for a loooooooooong time. hardest part is accepting responsibility for ones' own life. an affair, whether physical or emotional, is more garbage for your soul. don't go there. if you are, than shoot for a better goal. don't settle for an affair unless george clooney (or whoever turns you on) is the willing partner. then, an affair would work. but read the print on the prenup. make sure you secure a financial future for the kids. smile, and give yourself a happy ending. the world wants you too. p.s. wouldn't it be devastating if georgy boy was impotent. sob!!!! |
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September 19, 2006, 7:44 pm PDT
Quote From: semiprecious My adult daughter moved back home in March 2006, with her 8 year old daughter, boyfriend and pregnant with twins. The boyfriend is the father of all three children (twins were born in May). They were only suppsed to be with us for six months. They were going to save enough money to get a place of their own. Well, we havent seen any job, money or motivation in 6 months. My husband and I feed everyone. Daughter and boyfriend sit and watch tv all day. The educational shows like Jery Springer, Maury and lets not forget MTV. He always has money for cigerettes and gas to tool around but no money for formula or anything else.I told the boyfriend yesterday it wasn't fair that my husband works 12 hour days sleeps for 5 and goes back to work, while he sleeps till noon and my daughter serves him lunch in bed. His reply was, " I'll take my s--t and leave. He did, and so did my daughter after him. We asked for the key back and told my daughter she cannot come back. They are now living with his mother and will be selling my daughters car so he can go to Chicago and make a better life and my daughter will eventually follow. Do you think the state will make a difference for a lazy moocher? Why can't my daughter see him for what he truly is? My main concern is the grandchildren, and I will miss them terribly! How should I react? I would never talk her out of it and I'm trying to be strong! Can someone like this guy truly change? read your post and i'm sorry for the stress you must be feeling as a mom. you did the best you could, gave your daughter and her young family a little security blanket when it was needed. it's what moms have done since the beginning of time. but you also did the right thing in asking them to contribute to the maintenance of a home. that too is part of being a mom, showing that life requires work to survive. don't feel guilty. just try to stay focused on your grans, keep judgement on your adult daughter and her b.f. on the sideline, don't let them take advantage of someone elses's hard work. give all that extra love to the little ones, they need you now, not the adult daughter. it doesn't matter if the guy can change, you do not have power over any adult, that includes your own daughter. the only adult you have power over is ....................you. good luck, prayers are with your entire family. |
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September 19, 2006, 8:04 pm PDT
Quote From: jb7ctx My sister has adult children living at home that are just too dang lazy to work!!! They want everyone else to take care of them and their children. They would rather sit around all day and watch T.V. and smoke, instead of getting off their lazy butts and going to work! When they need money for gas, cigarettes, food, rent, electricity, what do they do? They run to my parents and put on a sad sob story! My sister just lost her husband last year, and as soon as he was buried, her grown kids moved in and mooched her dry!!! My sister hasnt even went to work yet. She stays home and watches her grandchildren so her grown kids can run the roads. How do they run the roads? By begging for money from my parents saying they are looking for a job. This was last year and neither has a job yet!! One is 29 and married with 3 kids. ( her husband is a lazy butt too and dont work). He couldnt go to work because his lip got sunburned! GOOD GRIEF!! ( just one example of an excuse)! Another excuse, " I hurt my back", but yet he can go outside and move tree limbs! The other daughter is 24 with 3 kids and she feels that if her mom dont work, then she dont have to either because she shouldnt have to be the one to pay all the bills. Excuse me?? But she has 3 kids to take care of. I just dont get it! They want all the good life to live in, but dont want to work a day for it. They are L-A-Z-Y! AARRGGHH!! make s me ill! I wish my parents would quit giving them money. They use their kids as a pawn to get money and when they get the money, they BLOW it on unneccessay things! instead of buying food and paying bills! My parents paid their rent for over 4 months one time, and all the rest of us kids turned against them for doing that, since none of them are working and when my parents found out how we all felt, they said they were gonna stop, but I dont think they have because no one is working over there and yet they still have elecrticity, food, you name it! Sorry! I am venting! I could go on and on, but I will stop now. Theres just no excuse for this! My daughter just turned 17, she is graduating this year. She WORKS after school! She just brought herself a 98 mustang, PAID FOR,and she buys her own clothes, she does chores around the home on her off days. She has money put up for when she graduates. If my daughter can do this, so can they! For petes sake! They are older than her! OK! I'll quit now. i was reading your message and i started to laugh. brought back memories of when my adult sister was living at home and my parents did everything for her and her two children. made me so damn angry. how was it we as children had to bust our butts if we wanted extra money and here are our parents allowing the now adult sib to mooch??? makes you wonder if your parents had lost their mind. anyway, it came to a situation the mooch had become super monster mooch, (she 'stole my parents rent money for drugs) and i, me the sister finally kicked her out of my parents house. years later, she finally told me it was the best thing that ever happened to her and she thanked me. she finally had to grow up and face life on her own two feet. she's 44 now and i thank god she lives life on her own. hopefully your sister will some day realize the damage she does to encourage her children to continue living life at a childs level. in the meantime, don't forget to breath. and thanks for putting a smile on my face. hope you will smile too when you read my post traumatic stress memory. hang in there. |
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September 21, 2006, 12:09 am PDT
Quote From: jb7ctx Sorry I gave you a post traumatic stress memory. And yes, it does turn my stomach pepto pink. My sister called me yesterday wanting to know if she could borrow some money from me because her (adult daughter living at home, who dont work, and has 3 kids) is sick and she needs money for medicine! Sorry, but here I go again, I told her that her daughter needs to get off her butt and get a JOB so she can have money for her own medicine! What am I supposed to do? take care of this grown lazy child? I have my own kids to take care of and they are young. THEN, her grown adult daughter, who dont work and sits on her butt all day, gets mad at me for not giving any money when she is desperatelty sick! The only illness she has is called : LAZY-I-TIS! It would be one thing if I loaned her lazy daughter money, only IF I can borrow money from her, but I cant borrow money from her because she dont know how to WORK! PLUS, she would never pay me back and why? because she dont know how to work. I guess they think I am stupid. it amazes me how parents don't realize the incredible damage they do by over loving, over indulging and keeping the 'bottle' stuck in their childrens mouth. what really makes me crazy, is that they live at home and don't contribute to house hold finances. AND, still expect for mom and dad to take care of them. to top it off, instead of bringing home a stray animal, they bring in a stray person. i am so tired of people my age saying how hard it is for their adult children to pay rent here in nyc. listen, if it's so expensive here, go move to wisconsin. ( no offense Wisconsinites) life isn't fair and it requires something called hard work. too bad your sister doesn't get it. when i realized my oldest "child" was becoming a moocher, and that college was my dream and not his reality, i knew i had to shove him out of my nest. here's a little tip for you. he was told his household contribution to our home would be 400 a month. (that would only cover my gas and electric bill) on the first of every month i would be on him like white on rice, pay up sonny boy. he hated me and thought i was so unfair. after all, i was obligated to take care of him forever, god said so. every month, i would put on my ninja outfit and pursue him for 'the rent money'. the battles were not fun. he would call me cruel-la. but little did he know, i opened a bank account and put every penny he gave me in this account. within a year, "i" had saved enough money for him to move out. he was only 23 but i knew it was time for him fly my coop. i saw what my mother had done to my sister and i didn't want to do that to him. he's now 28, living on his own and is doing okay. he tried coming back a few times but i changed the locks and threw on a disguise . and now i start working on the next kid, my daughter who turns 23 in a month. gotta go up in the attic and get the ninja outfit ready. oh well.... any way, you stay strong. i know how frustrating it can be to see moocher ism live and uncut. a moocher is a moocher, they do it because they can. wouldn't it be great if they had a boot camp for adult moochers children. let's see. they would have to work 2 jobs and give one income back to charity. make a 7 course meal every night from scratch, kraft mac n cheese doesn't count. they would have to clean the house including the inside of all closets daily with a little toothbrush. they would have to get up take their kid to school, pick them up dedicate all the time necessary to their well being, make dinner, do household chores and be available to every little detail in life. oops, sorry, i started talking about the life i live and I'm sure you do to. you know what? life is like a box of chocolate. you stick you finger in each one to find the one you like the best. so stay strong girlfriend. if you get really ticked off, take a chocolate and throw it at your niece. stupid-itis is definitely not a disease you want to catch. now that box of chocolate, doesn't that sound so much nicer. peace out ' |
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