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Messages By: pensiveme
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October 19, 2006, 4:12 am PDT
 Quote From: oneme123 I also was recommended by my therpist to read "Courage to Heal" and it helped me too. makes me smile. how wonderful to read about your healing. triumph is soon to be yours. you are climbing the mountain. how wonderful when you get to see the view. all for you to enjoy, all for you to claim as your own victory. kudos to you for your determination. you made me happy, a smile is on my heart!!! |
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October 23, 2006, 3:27 am PDT
Quote From: tngrammy My daughter is 21 and "married" to a felon who is 22. They are currently separated and each doing "their own thing". They have a precious little girl who is 2 years old, my 1st grandbaby! My daughter has been rebellious since she dropped out of high school her senior year, a week prior to graduation. (She was failing) She immediately got into trouble for drugs and spent a few nights in jail, which we bailed her out of. After many chances to get her act together and obey house rules, we asked her to move out. Well, she and another rebellious teen both moved in with a 3rd friend's mom. This was the "cool mom" who ran the "home for rebellious teens"! *rolls eyes* Long story made short, she allowed her son to sleep with my daughter right under her roof and thus producing my grandbaby girl.
Because my daughter was pregnant, and the "father" was sent back to jail, I allowed her to move back home during her pregnancy. The "father" was released just before the baby was born, but my daughter and grandbaby continued to live with us until she was 6 months old. Thinking that things would work better for them as a "family", I encouraged them to get married. *sigh* As of now, grandbaby just turned 2 years old, and my daughter and she have moved in and out and in and out of my home again and again. She would leave her husband, hate him, go back, leave, etc.... etc.... This last time I refused to let her move back in, but allowed my grandbaby to stay here. Recently the "husband" refused to allow "his baby" to stay with me any more and threatened to kill my daughter (no proof though) if she let the baby stay here. So ... my daughter and grandbaby have been living in another city with my sister. As usual, my daughter finds every excuse in the world to not work, to lose a job after a week or two, or finds something wrong with every available job that WE locate FOR HER! She contributes nothing around the home, eats all the food, and puts her own needs before her baby's! My sister and I both are sick and tired of allowing her to live with each of us and continually MOOCH and MANIPULATE us! As of TODAY, we finally got the bright idea to tell her she needed to let the MIL keep the baby while she finds a job! Up until now, she and Baby's Daddy have done nothing! Of course whenever my daughter talks about divorce, he threatens to "take the baby"!
OK, so as of tonight, dear ole MIL and Daddy get to actually see what I have been doing for the past 2 years! Wonder how long it will take Daddy to re-think his decision about not letting me keep her!!!??? So .... I am feeling "in the lead" for tonight, but the REAL problem is far from being settled. What to do about my irresponsible, Lazy and controlling manipulative "Adult" daughter? If it weren't for my grandbaby, I could easily cut the strings for once, but she KNOWS that she "has me" because of my grandbaby! I want so badly to get my life back, or HECK ... GET my life for once since she has been "grown". I still have a 17 year old that is what you would call the "perfect child". She is a senior in High School, and has a 4.0 GPA. This weekend she has been invited for a special Honors tour the University of Tennessee in Knoxille ... GO VOLS!!! Unfortunately, her life has been affected by the constant drama surrounding her sister!!! I want SO BADLY to be able to take the focus off of them, and place it on my youngest girl! HOW can I do this when my grandbaby is being tossed around like a piece of trash????
looking for your attention, the only way she knows how. i can relate to your story. i have a neice in a situation quite similar. except that she's 28 now and the cylcle of enabling has gotten bigger. mothers, we think we hide our emotions so well from our daughters. but daughters, they have the keeness of feelings just like we do. you seem to see gold in one daughter, the perfect a daughter, the one who gives you 'accomplishment' for your motherhood. and the one who has failed consistently will give you what she knows to get her share of attention. failure. you need to step back. you need to stop making it easy for her to fail and continue on her merry go round ride. you need to stop helping her fail. if you can't say a positive word to her, to help her be the best that she can be, don't say anything. how can she compete with her perfect sister, the one that makes your heart strings sing? how can you feel 'sorrow' for the perfect child because of her sisters drama???? if you don't want your grand to be treated as trash, then don't treat the mother like trash. you are part of her cycle, some where there was a glitch in your daughters life. mothers, we don't do it intentionally, we really try to do the best we can. but some times our own fears create what we fear. in your fear of her lifestyle, you are creating the lifestyle. if you don't support this girl, what future will the next woman generation, your grandbaby going to have??? please stop and rethink. put the anger on the back burner. where there is anger and fear, there can be no love. anger, it is an overpowering emotion. like a fire extinguisher, it can put out the fire of your love. and without your love, your daughter will continue to fail. can it be its the only way she knows to get your love, your attention and be in the limelight like your perfect child??? she needs you to be her ally, not her enemy. not a rug, not the bank, not the critic, not the revolving door. if you love her, go seek professional help as a unit. find out what makes the cycle of failure and mooching part of the relationship between you. you would be surprised what is really inside her head. it may be that you won't want to hear it, but if you want your grandbaby to have a better way to life, you need to step up. a babys personality, her foundation, is formed in the first 5 years of its life. you and your daughter have 'lost' 2 years of time. don't continue the dance of anger. time is ticking away. |
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October 26, 2006, 2:37 am PDT
Quote From: tngrammy My daughter gets all of my attention! We are extremely close!!! Please do not try to tell me about my personal relationship with my daughter ... you could not possibly begin to know from my post how close we are! If anything my "perfect" daughter is neglected because she doesn't demand all of the attention. Whenever my youngest daughter and I get together, the conversation always turns to my 21 year old, it just happens because her life and problems are a constant worry and concern to me! I have taken my 21 year old to a doctor and had her started on medication for Bi-Polar II Disorder (as I also have) and depression ... so again, you don't know the whole story! I have done everything I possibly can do for her and to help her ... I have sat down and taught her how to budget her money, pay her bills, etc .... she refuses to try! My heart is broken over my daughter ... I feel helpless to do anything to change her. Her own father kicked her out of his home the week she turned 18!!! She literally came home from school and found all of her belongings in the carport! She then moved in with me full-time and I've been trying to "pick up the pieces" ever since ..... on my own!!!!! So please don't begin to judge my relationship with my daughter ... PLEASE!
I came here for support, for any advice of what I might further be able to do for her, OR what I can finally do for MYSELF ... to accept / deal / whatever with this situation. I have looked in to many avenues of what I can do for my dear grandbaby as well ... and the last resort is to call the Dept. of Childrens' Services on her parents. Because I DO love my daughter and desire to help her ... I have NOT used this last option! i did not 'say' you didn't love your daughter, on the contrary, it seems you love her quite a bit. i am not judging your relationship with her. sorry if you my words caused more stress in your dilemma. my advice to you was sometimes mothers love too much. and that's where our hopelessness begins. |
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October 26, 2006, 8:57 pm PDT
Quote From: oneme123 Ok...long story short. I recently decided with my therapist that my mother and I "take a break" from one another. My mother is one of my triggers that bring up my abuse...not to mention she is still married to and lives with my abuser. Anyway, I have an 8 year old daughter and obviously have decided she doesn't need to be around them especially without me. However, because of my decision and the fact that I can not explain to my daughter in any kind of detail why we're not around them...she is left confused and sad. I usually have a reason why were are not going to grandma's but lately it is getting harder to come up with excuses. Can anyone offer any advice or offer some support on this issue? I feel like I'm hurting my daughter...but at the same time I know that she cannot be around my abuser because that could hurt her more. I just feel so very guilty and am not sure how to establish boundaries with my mom (she is manipulative). Our relationship can get very hostile, and I know my daughter doesn't need to be around us when that happens...Can someone tell me if they have been in a similiar situation and how you dealt with it? Keeping in mind my daughter is only 8 years old.... hey, long time no post. i think you need some 'don't feel bad about your decision" inspiration. your decision to have a break from mom, good for you. so what do we tell the little one, what to do?? first, acknowledge the fact she misses her granny. give her a big hug and let her know you hear her loud and clear. don't dismiss her feelings, and i know how very difficult this can be. it is difficult to contain survivors rage without tainting the feelings of those around us. remember, your little ones experience of her grandma is so different than your own. leave her memory as pure and untainted as you possibly can. don't feel guilty about not providing her with details, or giving her to much info. that is a great decision, an adult one, the right one. removing your daughter from the rage you feel for your momma is a gift you are giving your child. so why are you feeling guilty??? you are not hurting your daughter by removing her from a bad situation, don't think that way!!!! she is a child that has a memory of 'being loved by her grandma. leave it that way for now. when i had my survivor rage come back into my life, i realized i wanted my abused son to be as pissed off as me. but, i wasn't being fair, my experience, my feelings can only belong to me. that i wanted him to have the same anger, it was like passing on my baggage to him. i didn't want to do that. i speak to him about his feelings, not mine. so try that. listen to your girl. but remember, you are the parent, the mom who loves her, who wants the best for her. stop carrying your moms guilt, shove it back into her life where it belongs. just tell your daughter, you and your mom are having a hard time being together, and you are trying to find a way to become better friends. that you know she misses her, and grandma misses her as well. that grandma loves her and always will. but you and granny have a problem that YOU are trying to fix. don't promise her a tomorrow with her granny, you don't know if that will ever happen. keep it simple, in words she can understand in her little head. when she brings up the subject, do something with her. go read a book together, bake cookies, do a manicure together. any thing you can do to reinforce your love, and take that negative feeling out of her feeling bank. find her books where the theme is about having a problem and finding a solution. it will help her learn that problems can happen, and there are ways to fix them. as she continues to grow, her questions will become more mature, and your answers will also become more informative. share with her any story of your childhood that brings good memories for you. try to find a good memory. if the memory is a good one, and she asks you about your momma, you will be able to share it without anger. let her write a book about how she misses her grandma, and have take it to a printer and have it bound. it will inspire her. don't freeze when she asks you questions. just answer in words she can understand. you will find a way, i know you will. and in your precious head, turn off that recording your mom etched in your brain. you are being a loving mom, a mom who wants her daughter to be a happy and whole woman. how can you feel guilty about that, my love?? talk to your therapist, he will guide you. let love guide you, it is never wrong. build your daughter the castle, a castle with all the magic of your love. but remember to add that moat, to keep the enemy from harming her in any way. want me to be the guard at the gate??????????? have a good one. did you buy yourself flowers yet?? |
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October 29, 2006, 7:56 pm PST
Quote From: oneme123 I have been wondering where you have been. I am still working on my whole "mom" situation. It is really hard, but I like your advice and will try to use it. She makes it awfully hard. For example, I told her back in July that any relationship that myself or my daughter was going to have with my stepdad was finished....well, for Halloween she sent my daughter a card and put his name on it! I feel that it was a TOTAL disregard of my wishes, but my therapist wants me to ask her "why" she did that....... I don't know that I even want to talk to her, but therapist thinks that I need answers in order to resolve my problems. My moods are just 10x's better NOT talking to mom. I was fine until the that card came in the mail....I lost it! Just the idea AGAIN that what I say doesn't matter. I wrote her a letter(haven't mailed it) but therapist said she thought it was ok to send and that it was to the point.....therapist also thinks it's time to pull mom in on my sessions...but I don't know. Anyway, how are things going for you? How is your family, especially your son? No, I didn't buy myself flowers...BUT I did have some given to me.....:) Glad to hear from you.... i've been in pensive mode, trying to find a better way. going down the same road you are on, i know how you feel. isn't it good to have those good moods?? aren't those flowers beautiful?? isn't it sad when all you really want is their love?? such a simple thing really, but some people just don't get it. i'm glad you did. i agree with the therapist, send the letter. it's a form of closure, a way of getting the power as an adult. as for the therapist bringing in your mom into the sessions, he/she must see you as a stronger person. another positive step in bringing her in is so the therapist can 'see' her, giving you additional tools to help you deal with her incredible denial. i know the 'butterflies' you must feel in just thinking of confrontation. that is the first part of us that is removed from our life as victims, fighting back someone who is 'bigger' than we are. but you'll be okay. if the therapist didn't see you as a stronger person, she would not put you in the arena with the lion. and from where we began, i can see that strength in you as well. that letter, mail it and start the wheels in motion. and you do need to ask her why she put that snots name on the card to your daughter. she needs to understand you mean business, and if she doesn't comply with your requests when it comes to your daughter, there will be consequences. how dare she do that!!!! i think you know deep in your heart what that consequence will be. take a deeeeeeeeeep breath, go walk to the mailbox and mail the letter. and then, reach deep within, and you find that strength, and bring her into your sessions with the therapist. it;s not going to be easy, probably going to hurt like hell. but in the long run, you will survive, come out of it so much stronger, claiming victory, crossing the finish line. at the end of that race, you will be such a powerful woman. you will see your mom with different eyes. she may never understand what she did was wrong, but she will understand you are the only winner, the only one to claim victory. how will you see her?? probably for what she really is. a weak individual, a woman who did not have enough love to love anyone but herself. and how sad, she lost the race. but only because she was too scared to even run. and you did. kudos to you, my love. and you know what?? it doesn't matter matter what she thinks. as long as what you say matters to you. that's all that matters, always. remember that. |
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March 15, 2007, 12:16 am PDT
married 32 years. husband has 'no sexual desire. we have not had sex for well over a year. i am a 50 year old fit woman. i pass the lingerie department and wish i could wear it for someone. i bypass victorias and miss the days when we would shop there together. every night, for the past year, i sigh myself to sleep. i was the good wife. supportive, waiting, for the woody would awaken from its coma. decided, enough of this mielda. told him i was sleeping with him anymore. my daughter is moving out this weekend, gonna have my own room. going fill it with with sexual toys, a nice flat screen and who knows, maybe i'll sneak a boy toy under the bed. anyway, talking about a diff sex drive. i want to drive the 'mustang' he wants to use the horse buggy pulled by a donkey. incredible. i can finally let out those screams of pleasure, kids are gone and the only screaming going on in this house is when his team wins. and please don't tell me to do this or that. i have tried everything i can think of. i'm just letting a little steam off instead of the scream . to all a good night. at least i get to snore alone.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz |
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