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Messages By: our4sons
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June 5, 2006, 11:12 am PDT
 What do you do if you’re the person who was deceived into thinking the other one loved you when they really didn’t? What do you do if they now claim they only married you because you got pregnant & not because they loved you, like they had swore in front of God & your family? Like they told you each day y’all had been together, once they had confessed their love for you to you all on their own & without any provocation or coercion from you? What if you have tolerated & forgiven things because “life happens but we love each other”? What if you had been their rock even when their family turned their back on them & deceived them?
What do you do when you’ve been together over 11 years & just can’t live with them anymore, after having forgiven fights & lies, coldness & sexual “issues”, now with a total of four kids your husband informs you that he didn’t really love you then? That he knows he’s hurt you, he’s sorry for everything, he knows he’s hurt you in one of the worst ways you can imagine (the one way you had him promise he wouldn’t hurt you) but he swears he loves? That it’s for real because he “just knows”?
We’re in therapy. We still live together as before. We’ve made changes. We can’t afford to live apart.
What do you do if you’re a SAHM who hasn’t held a job in over a decade & has no real support system beyond emotional, but you’re torn between staying & leaving? How long should it take to get over the pain of this type of deception? How do you know you’re not just buying into what he says again but rather healing & growing & moving beyond it all? What do you do?
I saw this episode air when it first came on. It’s not exactly our predicament but the similarities were enough for me. The timing of it’s original airing was both amazing & scary to me. I came away from it thinking I should separate from my husband. I am glad it is being re-aired. I will record it & share it with him. I don’t know if that will help us any. I’m hoping it will get us talking again as I am afraid we’re avoiding the big topic again, just dealing with the “small stuff”.
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June 12, 2006, 12:24 pm PDT
Quote From: dreammom4 I need some advice, my situation is similar to some of the other people, but my MIL did not raise my husband his whole childhood. Her husband was VERY abusive to my husband, his brother, and only one sister. His brother has absolutely nothing to do with anyone in the family because of this, to watch his sister is sad because its like she is begging for love from her mother and just to be acknowledged, my MIL ignores her, and constantly talks about how perfect the "other" sister is. My husband didn't have hardly any relationship with his mother at all when we got married. She was very nice to me and we got along great when we were together. My husband shared all the horrible terrifying stories about his childhood, it is so bad I won't go into it. The abuse came from his step-father, but MIL knew and didn't do anything to stop it. After we were married about 4 years MIL and husband were divorced. That's when she decided to be the mother she should of been. I had reservations. We have 4 children and my husband has always said she is never to be alone with them no matter what, so that's how its been. She has never babysat, and my kids don't even like her I think they sense things, and she never shows them any attention, she only shows attention to the other sisters 3 kids. She shows favoritism towards her and her kids. My other SIL has a beautiful baby girl who has SP. She needs so much more attention then the rest of the grandchildren, but my MIL will walk right past her and not say a word to her. Its really sad. Then my MIL started treating me horrible, rude nasty and just plain mean. She would decide to have a dinner and tell me it was gonna be at my house, so I would have it then not one of them would help clean up, my house would be a disaster. I told my husband no more I had EVERY holiday for the first 5 years of our marriage, then she really started to hate me. My husband won't stand up to her or defend me, we went to a counselor and she said that wasn't right for her to do that. Its sickening to watch her around him now. She treats him like he is 5 years old. We have now been married 8 years. It has gotten so bad that my husband and I split up a while back, she then told him she didn't like me. She told him that I thought she was too fat and ugly to be around, and I wanted her to be my mother and she just can't do that. She said a bunch of other horrible things about me. My husband never defended me one time. I asked him if he thought those things were true and he said no, but nothing to her. Now we are back together and trying to work things out. She has not come to our house or called here nothing. But my husband has a business and she goes there and calls him at least once a week. He never talks about her or this problem, its just pushed under a rug for right now but I know its gonna come back and I don't know what to do. She hasn't seen my kids in 4 months and hasn't even asked about them. Sometimes I feel like my husband is living two lives, one with her and one with us. Am I wrong to feel this way? There are so many more things to say but it would take all day. Thank you for listening and letting me get it off my chest. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. A wonderful book I happened across at my local library helped me & my husband immensely with our in-law problems. "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward. It confirmed, for me, so much of what I felt about my in-laws & their toxic behavior not only with my husband, me & our children but also what I witnessed with my brother-in-law's family and my sister-in-law and her family.
We have chosen to no longer be in contact with FIL & MIL, as BIL & his family has also chosen. BIL & MIL had what seems to be a similar relationship as your husband & MIL. She raised all of her children (for the most part) though.
I hope the book is a help to you. As kooky as it may sound, I think I was meant to find it. I happened across it purely by accident. It was in an area where books are given away for free & it couldn't have come at a better time. It gave us the tools to try again with the in-laws on sure footing & helped us deal with what all came afterwards.
I wish you all the best.
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June 13, 2006, 7:53 am PDT
Quote From: booba1104 Hello, I have been married for 7 years and have 3 beautiful children. Immediately after the wedding I noticed my husband spent more time on the phone or out of the house than with me. I didn't know him well enough and I assumed it was just work related for having a busy career. When I was 8 months pregnant with my first child (before our first anniversary) he suprised me by a confessing to me that he has been seeing another woman continuously 5 years before he even met me and that it was still going and that because he got married to me she was giving him the boot. I didn't know how to react to this. He assured me every way that he knew that it was completley over and that he was with me and wanted no one else in the world. I stayed. A year later I noticed evidence of infidelity and with my own ways I found out he was back with the same woman and I even understood the extent of his love for her that it was difficult for him to leave her. Three more rocky years later, it was over between them and I was glad that I had stayed and worked it out with him and especially because both of us are extremely in love with the children and couldn't stand to part with them one day. After our fights and arguments over the other woman ended we found ourselves very quiet with eachother. I do my role as a wife and mother and I am proud to say that I meet everyone's needs. He does his part of earning the income and being a good father. But he is a bad husband to me. Its like I dont even exist. He doesn't even look at me or desire me. I keep myself pretty and clean for him but there is no use. Even if I seem stressed out he won't ask me what is wrong. and the list is long. I dont know what went wrong? Does he resent me for forcing the other relationship to end? Is he still not over her? I feel trapped! Was I supposed to leave him when he confessed to me about her less than a year into the marriage? The problem is that I can't get over the fact that he loved the other woman and he doesn't love ME. I can't forget everything that he told me about her and wonder to myself why he never did ANY of those things with me. I regret asking for details about their relationship because all I can do is compare "why doesn't he ever remember my birthday and always remembered hers? why doesn't he ever take me to all the exotic places he took her?...etc" I read every book there is about saving marriages and relationships and I do my part, but how can I get him to apply the things I read. I feel he is not working at all whereas I work very very hard to keep our household "normal". I gave up many things like my job to be as dedicated as I can be to this marriage. But its all one-sided. when I tell him that I love him he says "thank you" when I ask him if he loves me he says "that's a stupid question" and when I insist he answer it , he says "you should know that I do. I dont have to tell you" He talks to me only if its a command or something to do with the kids. My husband is naturally a very passionate sensitive person. But with me , he is insensitive and extremely cold. I am strong person so I try not to let it get to me but it has been draining my spirit and body. Where was I wrong? Will all this investing pay off? Please give me your feedback. I feel very trapped. Where was I wrong?
You married someone who did not love you.
Will all this investing pay off?
That depends on what you mean. Will he love you as he loved her? Well, I'd say "no".
Do you mean he'll stay & continue to provide for you & the children? It seems so. But I wouldn't expect more than that from him.
I too was trapped/tricked into marriage. I became pregnant shortly after my now husband & I got together; 6 months, to be precise. We lived together & married the day before our son turned 5 months old.
I knew things were "off" at times between us. I forgave a lot because I believed in his love for me. After all, neither of us had good examples of how a good marriage should be. Heck. our examples for how to even be good & decent people weren't even there. We were learning as we went along. We struggled & stuck together. We fought but always made up & at times really came out of it all better in the end...
or so I thought.
After 11 years, 3 sons together & he fully acting as my first son's father , almost 10 years of marriage & making it through the years of struggles I came to realize I could not live in this marriage as it was any longer.
One night after almost a year of thought and true consideration, I informed my husband that I wanted a divorce. The marriage was far too loveless for me & I was changing into someone I was not proud of, both physically & mentally. I have gained weight, had gotten short tempered & easily irritated & seemed to be sick a great deal of the time.
We cried & talked, truths were shared & I could no longer deny things I had chosen in the past to see differently.
You see, I had always felt in my heart & had seen in many of his actions that he didn’t really love me, not like he had told me when we first became serious. Because he was the one to say “I love you” first, I so wanted it to be the truth that I believed him despite his actions. He had done things that made it glaringly obvious it wasn’t the truth but with his reassurance & my considerations of how we were both raised, I accepted the idea that I was wrong, that he really loved me after all.
It turned out that he had been lying to me from day one about his feelings towards me. He knew of many of my hardships & had realized “too late” that he had gotten himself “in too deep” with me & my son. He had his reasons for everything. But he swore he loved me now.
We chose to stay together. I read through “Relationship Rescue” again and it really began to make a difference for us. He even read through it & did some of the activities. Things were different. I wouldn’t say better, because we had a long way to go, but I could see his true commitment to make things better & to show his real love for me.
3 months into this his best friend moved away without saying good bye. We had a huge fight & he became physical with me. After everything cooled down we talked. He confessed that he had less feelings for me than he originally stated. He confessed that he assumed he loved me when we were trying for our second son & that he married me because he was afraid I would be vindictive & keep his son.
We began marital therapy within 2 weeks.
I now struggle with the ideas of staying & leaving. I am not emotionally fit enough to leave yet. I know I would fall apart right now & literally have no true support I can count on. I haven’t held a job since before we lived together beyond babysitting for a neighbor. I have no college education & barely made it out of high school. I have previously been in the local women’s shelter for a different relationship so I know I would qualify. I just can’t make myself go there again; not now.
We’re in a “good spot” right now. Money’s tight but for some strange reason that has always brought us together & tighter. Therapy may be one of the things cut out of our budget here soon. It’s helped some but we still have our problems.
We are trying.
With all of this, I at least hope you feel less alone. I hope it in some way gives you the inspiration you need to do what you must. I know we teach our children by our actions far more than our words. I never wanted my children to think a cold marriage was a good one but I know I do not want them to think fighting on an almost daily basis was okay either. I don’t think they’ve ever seen us get physical but I know they’ve heard us. That shames me more than anything.
Please, do what you can even if others don’t. My husband are quite trapped right now but we’re trying our best with what we can. You may have more options than I but I know that doesn’t lessen the pain. I just hope you have the strength to do what you must.
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June 13, 2006, 10:29 am PDT
Quote From: booba1104 Thank you very much for responding. I am speechless because all I can say right now is "Oh my God" you just told my story at least the beginning of your relationship. My husband deceived me too into thinking that he loved me and he used to be the one who said I love you before we got married and he stayed with me because he didn't want me to leave with his son!!!!!
Your situation is also VERY similar to mine. Except I am a few years behind you. I don't like who I am becoming. I gave up so much of myself. I constantly think about leaving vs staying but I end up staying hopeful that someday it will payoff. Its obvious he doesn't love me and he indirectly says it and he would get verbally abusive with me and he throws things and can't manage his anger and he'll do it in front of the kids too.
I feel like your message is supposed to save me from what's yet to come. I am so confused. I stay for the kids yet maybe I am hurting them by keeping them in this. But what does divorce offer? I dont want to be a single parent of three children. its hard doing it when he's around to help.
He will never love me. He doesn't love me now when I am still young and attractive and still have choices to get back to my career. so I can't imagine how he'll be when I am older and dependent.
Plus there is also the fear that he will go back to her. When she's in his life I become completely invisible to him. This is a trap!!
Thank you as well.
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September 11, 2006, 7:43 am PDT
First, “discipline” & “punishment” are not the same thing. "Punishment" is the consequence of undesirable behaviors, i.e. a tool. “Discipline” is the method/process used to mold.
Second, statements such as “My child(ren) did not act like that!” & "Kids didn't act like that in my day!" are flawed arguments. They are statements that are a bit blind to real factors & situation. One person’s method or methods that worked with one child will not necessarily work with all children, including their own different children.
I personally believe there are far too many factors for anyone to be able to pin down any one thing as the sole reason for today’s epidemic of “bratty” behavior among children. Single parenting, lack of parenting skills, loss of contact & exchange with the older generation, 50 million different “experts” who all have their own ways that we should follow, over stimulation of both the child(ren) and the parent(s), ect., are all factors that can & do affect children as well as their parent(s). |
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September 11, 2006, 8:47 am PDT
Quote From: skppr1 If there is anyone who knows about this from both sides, it is me. I have both become too close to a male, married coworker and ultimately resulted in marriage and 3 children with him. Now, like poetic justice, after 17 years of marriage, he has done the same to me. He began an affair with a coworker 20 years his junior, and although professed he had ceased seeing her, portrayed himself as the perfect, loving husband, was forgiven and regained my trust TWICE (there were two discoveries), and had counseling, he continued to lie and decieve me. He finally walked out a year ago. The night before we left, I went to sleep with his arms around me, with "I love you." the last words I heard before going to sleep. The next morning he made his confession of still "being in love" with his mistress, that he had been lying about loving me, and told me he wanted a divorce. We found out 4 days ago that he and his mistress had a baby one month ago, and he was trying to keep it a secret until our divorce was final. It is still not final. I am fighting major clinical depression, recurring nightmares, anxiety attacks, and the injustice of the Texas Family Law Codes. Because I naively signed a premarital property agreement under false pretenses, I have not claim to any assets--NONE. I worked part-time as a nurse for my husband, but was not paid. We had 3 children during the first 5 years of our marriage. We decieded I would primarily be caretaker for our children. I poured the last 17 years of my life into our marriage and family, but this earned me no tangible assets, so I am at the mercy of what he will give me above court ordered amounts. This is way below the 300,000.00 per year we lived on. I hope I can help someone else avoid my plight that all began with becoming good friends, with a married man and became too close. There is a very, very good book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I recommend this book to every person before marriage if possible, but EVERYONE should read this book about the real facts of friendships, the risks, and the boundaries that must be respected to protect the marital union. That is an excellent book. My husband & I have been dealing some of the issues handled in the book & it's quite a help & eye opener.
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September 12, 2006, 7:32 am PDT
Quote From: saesq2 When my kids were little, I did not expect them to be able to always control their public behavior. It wasn't their fault if they couldn't handle certain stresses. We were all babies and young children once upon a time. However, I knew better than to inflict such scenes upon others if it was possible to avoid it. Whenever I could take them away from the public scene, I did so. Not to punish them and I never presented it as punishment. Matter-of-factly I would just tell them that people don't behave that way in public so we had to go.
There are always going to be some times when you can't do anything about it. I once boarded a plane with a cranky 18 month old and an older woman said angrily "I hope that baby isn't going to cry during the entire trip!" I responded that I hoped so too, and then began singing Perry Como's "It's impossible," including the line " . . . ask a baby not to cry, it's just impossible." But if I had been at a restaurant when she started crying, I would have taken her out. Of course, I would have missed having a dinner out, but what right did I have to impose my screaming child on others when the alternative was to take responsibility upon myself and remove us both?
Anyone can understand the occasional scene. But people routinely let their children behave in public in a way that is disturbing to others when it can be avoided. They are teaching their kids to be selfish, insensitive, impolite and inconsiderate.
Why should you unleash your kid on anybody without his meds? I'm sorry that your son has problems that must be difficult to handle. But that doesn't give you the right to put him into a public situation that is beyond his ability to handle and then do nothing while his difficulties spill all over other people who are not responsible for him. You don't have to be abusive. Just remove him from situations he can't manage or don't put him in such situations in the first place.
I don't judge you for having a child with behavioral problems that you can't always solve. No one has perfect parenting skills. But, I judge you for inflicting these sceneson other people when you could often avoid doing so. That's your obligation.
For years I attended large outdoor summer concerts in a public, rural setting. Hundreds of families would picnic on the lawn. Without even realizing what I was doing, I began looking for a picnic spot that was close to the many Japanese families who would attend and to steer clear of the Americans. When an American baby would start crying during one of Beethovan's symphonies, the people around him would just not be able to hear the music. When a Japanese baby started crying, a parent would pick him up and go for a walk along the perimeter of the field. I don't know how these cultural differences come about, but the contrasting attitudes were enormous. I never heard a Japanese parent get angry or blameful towards a crying baby. They simply removed the baby because they seemed to share a recognition that they had no right to spoil the concert for everybody else. I learned a lot from those folks. Maybe there's a lesson in this for you, too. Well said! I have 4 boys ranging in ages 14 years to 18 months. They all have had their "moments" and still do at times. We deal with them by removing them whenever possible. My oldest was diagnosed (by a child psychiatrist, not psychologist) with ADHD at the age of 4. He has hearing loss as well. He has thrown some hum-dingers in his day, but I have never allowed it to occur untouched. I, also, do not identify myself as one of those parents who would & do. Illness, condition, limited abilities or not; there is no reason beyond the fear of appearing rude to not take a screaming child out of a situation such as a restaurant to allow them to settle & collect themselves. Yes; we as parents do need to delay our gratifications sometimes.
And it is absolutely the parents responsibility to respect that their child, all children, have their own limits. Yes, that does mean they will not be able to do everything. And that's okay! I witnessed this here where a parent took their child to a local park/water park. The child was obviously overwhelmed by all the children already there combined with the excitement of the water sprinklers. He began screaming about it all so the mother turned the water off & would not allow anyone else to turn it on, rather than coming at a different time or removing him. What right does she have to ruin the day for all the other children who were already there & getting along just because her child was overwhelmed by a situation she placed him in?
I absolutely judged her for that. She was rude & inconsiderate & was not doing right by her son, IMO. "Unleashing" her child on everyone like that & expecting all to stop what they were doing for her son was out-of-line & rude to not only for the park goers but for her son as well. That is a very selfish stance to take. |
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September 12, 2006, 7:42 am PDT
Quote From: kyrosemom I have a 7 yr old who has Autism. We never know what will set him off into a meltdown. Sometimes, I HAVE to get medicine or something when he is with me. I do the best I can to get him out asap when he is having problems. My son sometimes is NOT ABLE to act appropriately. He cannot help it. Should I keep him at home at all times so you might not get offended? Going to the pharmacy for medicine or to the store for a short run when you truly can't wait it is not the same as setting through a full meal at a restaurant while the child runs around & screams, only to disturb the other patrons.
Likewise, doing/running an errand that cannot be put off can be prepared for, usually. I keep crackers in my van as well as tissues & extras - toys, books, tissues, diapers, clothes, drinks, blankets for naps & comfort, ect. I do not & have never relied on everyone being willing to make exceptions for my children, nor should I. |
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September 12, 2006, 7:45 am PDT
Quote From: saesq2 When my kids were little, I did not expect them to be able to always control their public behavior. It wasn't their fault if they couldn't handle certain stresses. We were all babies and young children once upon a time. However, I knew better than to inflict such scenes upon others if it was possible to avoid it. Whenever I could take them away from the public scene, I did so. Not to punish them and I never presented it as punishment. Matter-of-factly I would just tell them that people don't behave that way in public so we had to go.
There are always going to be some times when you can't do anything about it. I once boarded a plane with a cranky 18 month old and an older woman said angrily "I hope that baby isn't going to cry during the entire trip!" I responded that I hoped so too, and then began singing Perry Como's "It's impossible," including the line " . . . ask a baby not to cry, it's just impossible." But if I had been at a restaurant when she started crying, I would have taken her out. Of course, I would have missed having a dinner out, but what right did I have to impose my screaming child on others when the alternative was to take responsibility upon myself and remove us both?
Anyone can understand the occasional scene. But people routinely let their children behave in public in a way that is disturbing to others when it can be avoided. They are teaching their kids to be selfish, insensitive, impolite and inconsiderate.
Why should you unleash your kid on anybody without his meds? I'm sorry that your son has problems that must be difficult to handle. But that doesn't give you the right to put him into a public situation that is beyond his ability to handle and then do nothing while his difficulties spill all over other people who are not responsible for him. You don't have to be abusive. Just remove him from situations he can't manage or don't put him in such situations in the first place.
I don't judge you for having a child with behavioral problems that you can't always solve. No one has perfect parenting skills. But, I judge you for inflicting these sceneson other people when you could often avoid doing so. That's your obligation.
For years I attended large outdoor summer concerts in a public, rural setting. Hundreds of families would picnic on the lawn. Without even realizing what I was doing, I began looking for a picnic spot that was close to the many Japanese families who would attend and to steer clear of the Americans. When an American baby would start crying during one of Beethovan's symphonies, the people around him would just not be able to hear the music. When a Japanese baby started crying, a parent would pick him up and go for a walk along the perimeter of the field. I don't know how these cultural differences come about, but the contrasting attitudes were enormous. I never heard a Japanese parent get angry or blameful towards a crying baby. They simply removed the baby because they seemed to share a recognition that they had no right to spoil the concert for everybody else. I learned a lot from those folks. Maybe there's a lesson in this for you, too. WRT your comment about Japanese families; it's an important part of the Japanese culture to be respectful of others. I live in a community with a large university town. I have noticed similar situations. There's a large difference between German families & Japanese, as an example. |
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September 12, 2006, 8:37 pm PDT
Quote From: miche1972 OMG, you gusy all totally took that out of context! my son too was Diagnosed with ADHD and ODD,OCD by a psychiatrist not A PSYCHOLOGIST! and most recently Bipolar Disorder. I never ever let my son go unmediacated,. but in all honesty ADHD would be a walk in the park right now. I can only medicate him so much and I am not gonna keep him at home all the time to avoid perfect parents! Any single trip in public is gonna cause a melt down!!!!! No matter what. So when I do take him I make sure it is just him and I so I can better deal with it when it comes. and I am able to deal with it most times. You are being a bit defensive & that's unfortunate as I was not attacking. Sorry for the confusion.
I was not aware you made any comment about who diagnosed your child. I mentioned that about my child to prove it was real, not just another case of "teacher knows best", if you KWIM.
You're right, your child's diagnosis are more intense than my son's but I do understand your feelings, believe it or not. I do not expect you to "keep him at home all the time to avoid perfect parents" nor have I suggested it, let alone thought it. I do have a hard time believing every time y'all go out he has a melt-down. |
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